So here we are, on the eve of 2007. New experience, just new-ness in general waits around every corner. Things that are new, transition, change...it all used to scare me. And I guess it still does in some ways. But in other ways I look forward to not staying stagnant, to having opportunities. That was one of the things that I learned in 2006 - as scary as it can be to stray from our comfort zone, it can be very rewarding.
It's appropriate that the same day that closes out the year also closes out my first six months on WW. I started this journey on July 1st, 2006, kicking off the second half of the year. Depending on what you're talking about, six months can either seem like forever, or a split second. In my case, it passed really quickly, and my progress still surprises me. The holiday season posed a bit of a challenge and I allowed myself to indulge, as evidenced by my last weigh-in. Just for the record I'm up 1.8 lbs, current weight is 174.8. In the grand scheme of things, there's no way I can be disappointed. What I've gained through this experience that really matters is way more than just what I've lost in pounds.
Ok, 2007, I greet you with a smile. Here's to family, lots of good food, fantastic friends and losing 20 more pounds along the way. Jon and Zaya...more adventures await, thank you for your love. Mom and Rachel, I love you and miss you. Nana, Papa and Reub...thank you for supporting the journey. J, ending the year having such a good friend back is priceless. A, you're the best new friend/neighbor/coworker/shenanigans-maker one could ask for. G and A2, you guys are good medicine for a girl who loves to laugh. M, I know it's been a hectic year, but you're so close! I'm with ya. And to everyone who enriches my life in many, many ways, thank you just isn't enough. Always in my heart, never far from my thoughts.
Happy Year of New-ness.
12.31.2006
12.27.2006
Day One Hundred Fifty-Eight
What's going on with me? Wondering what I've been up to? Defeating the purpose, that's what I've been doing. Hiding from my blog, feeling really unmotivated to tell you where I'm at. Part of that includes revealing that I'm just like everyone else when it comes to eating my way through the holiday season. Don't get me wrong, it's been a great one. But I have been less than focused on good eating. Barely paying attention to points tracking. Splurging, to say the least. Everywhere you go, there's FOOD! The kind that tastes good and looks festive but isn't so good for the nutritional plan.
As far as stats, when I last left you, I had reached my 40 lbs. So to bring you up to speed, here's how the last two weigh-ins went:
Saturday, December 16th - gained 1.4 lbs. Was not a big surprise.
Saturday, December 23rd - lost 1.4 lbs. Was a HUGE surprise!!!
All things considered, I'm doing pretty well. Currently I weigh 173 lbs., and am still heading to 155. That's right, just 18 lbs. to go. Doesn't seem like all that much, and it's really not. Especially considering all that I was able to accomplish in just the second half of the year. But the fact is, it's far from easy.
The reason I said my lack of blogging is defeating the purpose is because I started this thing with the intention of documenting the ENTIRE journey. Good, bad, ugly and everything in between. Not just the weight loss victories. Not just the parts I like. All of it. So here I am, back to tell you it ain't all roses. And that's ok.
One of the things I never anticipated was uncovering more than just what I looked like under the physical weight. I've begun to see the me underneath the emotional weight, too. There's confidence now that's unfamiliar, both to me and those around me. My perspective has shifted, brought new things to light. There's transition ongoing, work being done. Kind of like peeling back the layers of an onion. I'm still the same person at the core, but new layers are being exposed. It just takes some getting used to. And what I'm learning is...that's ok, too.
So I'm still here. It's been an amazing, fantastic, emotionally-driven, educational, whirlwind of a year. I've lost some of me along the way and found even more. Equally exciting is the fact that I've re-discovered some of you, who have eagerly jumped on board, grabbed my hand and come along for the sometimes bumpy ride. You've carried my burdens, shouted my victories and celebrated me at every step. And that's why I'm here, not hiding anymore. I owe you my honesty, given as freely as the love you've given me. It's a crazy life, one that would be boring and lonely to be lived alone. In the words of Shakespeare (as spoken by Steve Martin in one of my all-time favorite movies, L.A. Story) you are "wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful, wonderful! And yet again, wonderful." And I love you.
As far as stats, when I last left you, I had reached my 40 lbs. So to bring you up to speed, here's how the last two weigh-ins went:
Saturday, December 16th - gained 1.4 lbs. Was not a big surprise.
Saturday, December 23rd - lost 1.4 lbs. Was a HUGE surprise!!!
All things considered, I'm doing pretty well. Currently I weigh 173 lbs., and am still heading to 155. That's right, just 18 lbs. to go. Doesn't seem like all that much, and it's really not. Especially considering all that I was able to accomplish in just the second half of the year. But the fact is, it's far from easy.
The reason I said my lack of blogging is defeating the purpose is because I started this thing with the intention of documenting the ENTIRE journey. Good, bad, ugly and everything in between. Not just the weight loss victories. Not just the parts I like. All of it. So here I am, back to tell you it ain't all roses. And that's ok.
One of the things I never anticipated was uncovering more than just what I looked like under the physical weight. I've begun to see the me underneath the emotional weight, too. There's confidence now that's unfamiliar, both to me and those around me. My perspective has shifted, brought new things to light. There's transition ongoing, work being done. Kind of like peeling back the layers of an onion. I'm still the same person at the core, but new layers are being exposed. It just takes some getting used to. And what I'm learning is...that's ok, too.
So I'm still here. It's been an amazing, fantastic, emotionally-driven, educational, whirlwind of a year. I've lost some of me along the way and found even more. Equally exciting is the fact that I've re-discovered some of you, who have eagerly jumped on board, grabbed my hand and come along for the sometimes bumpy ride. You've carried my burdens, shouted my victories and celebrated me at every step. And that's why I'm here, not hiding anymore. I owe you my honesty, given as freely as the love you've given me. It's a crazy life, one that would be boring and lonely to be lived alone. In the words of Shakespeare (as spoken by Steve Martin in one of my all-time favorite movies, L.A. Story) you are "wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful, wonderful! And yet again, wonderful." And I love you.
12.10.2006
Day 141: Weigh In
What is it about December...there's just food EVERYWHERE! And not like trays of carrots or anything, I'm talking big, heavy, sugary, fatty food all dressed up in red and green with chocolate sprinkles. It's everywhere I go. I have to say I think I've been pretty good about avoiding it. Sure I've nibbled here and there. But I haven't overindulged as of yet. It's easier to stay on target now that I'm back to tracking my daily points more consistently.
Weigh in today reflected that I've regained some focus. I lost .8 of a pound this week, so I'm down a total of 40.4 lbs. My current weight is 173 exactly. And I couldn't be more pleased. This comes after having several weeks with only one exercise day, so it was a nice surprise. And again, just like when I reached the 30 lb. mark, reaching a round number makes me feel really accomplished. For some reason 39.6 sounds ok, but 40.4 sounds like, WOW!
This loss also comes after my big day out at the Happiest Place on Earth. Jon and I took a Disney trip yesterday in celebration of my birthday. And I knew what I wanted first thing, too. The cafe on Main Street serves the most amazing cinnamon rolls in the entire world. Dripping with icing, warm from the oven. Of course I failed to remember how ENORMOUSLY HUGE they are. But I did not try to finish it. Didn't even come close. I never eat stuff like that anymore, so it was a treat, to say the least. And to compensate, I didn't eat much more til dinner at The StoryTellers Cafe that night.
I'm proud to say that dinner was tasty beyond explanation and points-friendly as well. It consisted of broiled swordfish, fresh veggies and mashed potatoes, and this:
Yeah, so what if you won't find the chocolate covered, chocloate mousse-y, yummy cake Mickey dessert in the WW points guide. All you need to know is that it made me do this:
Weigh in today reflected that I've regained some focus. I lost .8 of a pound this week, so I'm down a total of 40.4 lbs. My current weight is 173 exactly. And I couldn't be more pleased. This comes after having several weeks with only one exercise day, so it was a nice surprise. And again, just like when I reached the 30 lb. mark, reaching a round number makes me feel really accomplished. For some reason 39.6 sounds ok, but 40.4 sounds like, WOW!
This loss also comes after my big day out at the Happiest Place on Earth. Jon and I took a Disney trip yesterday in celebration of my birthday. And I knew what I wanted first thing, too. The cafe on Main Street serves the most amazing cinnamon rolls in the entire world. Dripping with icing, warm from the oven. Of course I failed to remember how ENORMOUSLY HUGE they are. But I did not try to finish it. Didn't even come close. I never eat stuff like that anymore, so it was a treat, to say the least. And to compensate, I didn't eat much more til dinner at The StoryTellers Cafe that night.
I'm proud to say that dinner was tasty beyond explanation and points-friendly as well. It consisted of broiled swordfish, fresh veggies and mashed potatoes, and this:
Yeah, so what if you won't find the chocolate covered, chocloate mousse-y, yummy cake Mickey dessert in the WW points guide. All you need to know is that it made me do this:
12.02.2006
Day 134: Weigh In
Just the facts, ma'am. Weigh in was very good. I got rid of those Thanksgiving pounds and then some in one week's time. Sure aren't gonna hear me complain about that! I lost 2.8 lbs. this week for a total of 39.6 lbs. lost. I'm currently at 173.8. These results are hugely motivating and confirm the difference that all the little things make. I went back to nonfat milk, tracked my points consistently every day and faithfully stuck to my "take one, not two" rule. Those little things really add up to success for me, so if it ain't broke, why fix it.
I also need to mention the wonderfully supportive e-mail I received this week from one of my best life-long friends. We don't see each other much anymore, life tends to get in the way of that, but our bond is a strong one. She was responding to the most recent batch of Z pictures that I e-mailed out to our friends and family list. Out of 19 pictures, I am in two of them, holding Z in front of me. From those two pictures, she apparently noticed the weight loss. Her response was this:
I also have to give a shout out to A2, who co-hosted a wonderful party tonight AND made a very tasty WW dessert recipe. My mouth thanks you. And so does my daily points tracker.
I also need to mention the wonderfully supportive e-mail I received this week from one of my best life-long friends. We don't see each other much anymore, life tends to get in the way of that, but our bond is a strong one. She was responding to the most recent batch of Z pictures that I e-mailed out to our friends and family list. Out of 19 pictures, I am in two of them, holding Z in front of me. From those two pictures, she apparently noticed the weight loss. Her response was this:
"I'm so proud of you, not because you needed to lose the weight, but because I understand first hand how very difficult a journey it can be. I can't help it, I'm really excited for you, and you're such an inspiration!"This, to me, is huge. Coming from someone I've always looked up to and wanted to be like. In school, she attracted attention. She's smart, funny, attractive, was a cheerleader, always had more confidence than I did. I grew up feeling like the tag-along friend whenever I was around her. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death and she never looked at me like a person with a weight problem. But my poor image of myself was highlighted by the shining-star image of her that lived in my head. So to hear from her regarding the topic of weight loss is a big deal. Thank you, C, your encouragement means more than I think you realize.
I also have to give a shout out to A2, who co-hosted a wonderful party tonight AND made a very tasty WW dessert recipe. My mouth thanks you. And so does my daily points tracker.
11.25.2006
Day 127: Weigh In
Well, I can't blame this on the turkey...just got home from weighing in. It wasn't pretty. To be honest, I did expect to gain this week, that part's not a surprise. But 2 WHOLE POUNDS! Talk about motivation to get back on track.
Honestly, this really had nothing to do with Thanksgiving. Sure I probably ate a bit more on that day than usual, but I can pinpoint a lot of little things that I've been changing gradually that are sure contributors to the gain. I stopped buying nonfat milk about a month ago, because it's been more convenient to buy lowfat in larger quantities for Z. I started eating his sugary, flavored oatmeals instead of plain. I have not been consistently measuring portions. I've been indulging in the FANTASTIC regular granola topping at Golden Spoon, instead of the non-fat variety (which I should note is good as well). And I've been squeezing in extra points without really keeping track. Two tortillas instead of one here, two pudding cups instead of one there. It all adds up, and I know that.
So I'm not going to wallow, I'm going to use this as an opportunity to kick myself into action. I've been trying to organize a good winter workout schedule. Sunday mornings at the gym or the park are looking good. I've just gotta get at least another two days in there. I miss exercise when I don't get it. I miss feeling better physically and knowing that I've stayed committed.
We had a good meeting this morning. Fewer people than usual...post-Thanksgiving scares people. One of the questions Jim asked was, "What do you know now (since joining WW) that you didn't know then?" I raised my hand and said, "That I really can do it." I walked into that first meeting feeling desperate but expecting nothing really significant to happen. I thought I was just "supposed to be fat" all my life. Like it was a given. And I didn't believe in myself at all. Didn't think I had a chance. Boy, was I wrong.
So I just tracked the points for my breakfast. And I am excited about re-focusing...again. It happens, what can I say. Today is a new day. So if you'll excuse me, I have a date with all new opportunities...
Honestly, this really had nothing to do with Thanksgiving. Sure I probably ate a bit more on that day than usual, but I can pinpoint a lot of little things that I've been changing gradually that are sure contributors to the gain. I stopped buying nonfat milk about a month ago, because it's been more convenient to buy lowfat in larger quantities for Z. I started eating his sugary, flavored oatmeals instead of plain. I have not been consistently measuring portions. I've been indulging in the FANTASTIC regular granola topping at Golden Spoon, instead of the non-fat variety (which I should note is good as well). And I've been squeezing in extra points without really keeping track. Two tortillas instead of one here, two pudding cups instead of one there. It all adds up, and I know that.
So I'm not going to wallow, I'm going to use this as an opportunity to kick myself into action. I've been trying to organize a good winter workout schedule. Sunday mornings at the gym or the park are looking good. I've just gotta get at least another two days in there. I miss exercise when I don't get it. I miss feeling better physically and knowing that I've stayed committed.
We had a good meeting this morning. Fewer people than usual...post-Thanksgiving scares people. One of the questions Jim asked was, "What do you know now (since joining WW) that you didn't know then?" I raised my hand and said, "That I really can do it." I walked into that first meeting feeling desperate but expecting nothing really significant to happen. I thought I was just "supposed to be fat" all my life. Like it was a given. And I didn't believe in myself at all. Didn't think I had a chance. Boy, was I wrong.
So I just tracked the points for my breakfast. And I am excited about re-focusing...again. It happens, what can I say. Today is a new day. So if you'll excuse me, I have a date with all new opportunities...
11.24.2006
Day One Hundred Twenty-Six
Well, I survived it. The big Thanksgiving feast. I'm pretty positive that I overindulged a bit. The nice thing is that I only had one plate, did not go back for seconds and thirds as in years past. I didn't even eat anything later in the day...usually there would be another helping at dinner time. But this year, I ate what I wanted to and was satisfied. The satisfaction I have within myself and for my accomplishments just made everything taste twice as good.
Then came today...the day after Thanksgiving is always one I look forward to. No, I am not a shopper, you won't find me in any 5am lines on Black Friday. For me the day after the holiday is a rest, the real vacation. And today was just that. Jon went to a volleyball game and then out to the OC to work on a video project, so it was just team Carrie and Zaya. The house was quiet. I read some of the book that's been sitting on my night table. I revisited my favorite Jon Cusack movies. I lounged...something I NEVER get to do. This day has been a long time coming.
I also spent a little time looking at photographs of myself and my family and friends. It occurred to me that those of you following along at home who don't see me regularly are probably curious what a weight loss of almost 39 lbs. looks like. I've talked so much about changes, both physical and emotional, but it's really hard to visualize. So I've decided to post a visual progress report here. The following are photos taken almost exactly six months apart. The photo on the left was taken on May 16th, 2006 and the one on the right was taken yesterday morning, November 23rd. I'm doing this as much for myself as I am for you. When I look in the mirror, my eyes go directly to the flaws and faults. This is a good way for me to remind myself where I am and where I've been.
Then came today...the day after Thanksgiving is always one I look forward to. No, I am not a shopper, you won't find me in any 5am lines on Black Friday. For me the day after the holiday is a rest, the real vacation. And today was just that. Jon went to a volleyball game and then out to the OC to work on a video project, so it was just team Carrie and Zaya. The house was quiet. I read some of the book that's been sitting on my night table. I revisited my favorite Jon Cusack movies. I lounged...something I NEVER get to do. This day has been a long time coming.
I also spent a little time looking at photographs of myself and my family and friends. It occurred to me that those of you following along at home who don't see me regularly are probably curious what a weight loss of almost 39 lbs. looks like. I've talked so much about changes, both physical and emotional, but it's really hard to visualize. So I've decided to post a visual progress report here. The following are photos taken almost exactly six months apart. The photo on the left was taken on May 16th, 2006 and the one on the right was taken yesterday morning, November 23rd. I'm doing this as much for myself as I am for you. When I look in the mirror, my eyes go directly to the flaws and faults. This is a good way for me to remind myself where I am and where I've been.
11.20.2006
Call me crazy...
...but they're not half bad! Thanks to J for introducing me to a new snack. And yes, you can taste the buttery caramel...sorta.
Day One Hundred Forty-Two
Two blogs in two consecutive days...this is quite an accomplishment for me! Maybe this means I'm back on track. Maybe my focus is back, just in time for the holidays! (Or it could possibly be that my boss is out of town and I'm finding myself with a little spare time at work. Eh, why ask why?)
Yesterday was good. Got in some early morning exercise, stuck to my points and had an evening out in Long Beach. Went to see a special screening of the Freedom Writers movie. Jon and I have a history with the Freedom Writers going back about 10 years. I was working at B&N in Long Beach right around the time that Erin Gruwell, an incredible first time teacher, was taking her first steps to make a tremendous difference in the lives of some kids who needed a break. The bookstore became a focal point for their journey and I was priveledged to be along for the ride. Last night was the first time in years I've seen Erin or "the girls," three of the students who became good friends. It was a bit surreal to see their stories on the big screen. A great story, ten years in the making.
And just to keep me honest, I have to share my irritated moment of the night. There is a scene in the film where Erin gives each of her students a bag of new books, something most of these kids had never had before. Much to my dismay, the camera shows Erin standing in front of a table filled to capacity with "Borders" bags. I had to laugh to myself. Only myself and a handful of B&N booksellers know that it was in fact our store that put these bags together. Using my own two hands. You may think this is a petty point to bring up. I only mention it because it's so typical of B&N...to screw up an endorsement deal of this magnitude. That company has a history of specializing in bad decisions. C'est la vie.
So here I am at work fighting off the craving to jump into the tub of chocolate that sits behind my desk. After having already sampled a few pieces. Maybe I'll just continue blogging for the rest of the day to keep my fingers occupied...
Yesterday was good. Got in some early morning exercise, stuck to my points and had an evening out in Long Beach. Went to see a special screening of the Freedom Writers movie. Jon and I have a history with the Freedom Writers going back about 10 years. I was working at B&N in Long Beach right around the time that Erin Gruwell, an incredible first time teacher, was taking her first steps to make a tremendous difference in the lives of some kids who needed a break. The bookstore became a focal point for their journey and I was priveledged to be along for the ride. Last night was the first time in years I've seen Erin or "the girls," three of the students who became good friends. It was a bit surreal to see their stories on the big screen. A great story, ten years in the making.
And just to keep me honest, I have to share my irritated moment of the night. There is a scene in the film where Erin gives each of her students a bag of new books, something most of these kids had never had before. Much to my dismay, the camera shows Erin standing in front of a table filled to capacity with "Borders" bags. I had to laugh to myself. Only myself and a handful of B&N booksellers know that it was in fact our store that put these bags together. Using my own two hands. You may think this is a petty point to bring up. I only mention it because it's so typical of B&N...to screw up an endorsement deal of this magnitude. That company has a history of specializing in bad decisions. C'est la vie.
So here I am at work fighting off the craving to jump into the tub of chocolate that sits behind my desk. After having already sampled a few pieces. Maybe I'll just continue blogging for the rest of the day to keep my fingers occupied...
11.18.2006
Day 140: Weigh In
So let's just say for two weeks now I've been lazy. My attitude has been kinda like "tracking schmacking" to say the least. I told Jon I think my mind has convinced me that I'll remember what I'm eating. And we don't really keep bad food in the house anymore, so I must be doing ok, right? But ultimately, it's just downright laziness. So as I sit here and type this blog entry, I am simultaneously looking up my points for the day. Tracking points has worked for me thus far, so I can't give up on it now.
Luckily, my careless attitude hasn't been my downfall. Went back to WW after a week off and weighed in at 174.6 lbs. That's down 1.4 lbs for a total loss of 38.8. I was amazed, yet again. Aside from not calculating my food intake, I also only exercised once this week. So I wasn't expecting good results. Not to mention that the one time I did exercise, I went to the gym after work without having eaten anything that day...not a winning combination. Let's just say Carrie learned an important lesson about nutrition and exercise that day. Ended up sitting in a chair looking out the window eating a nutritional bar and hoping she could walk out unassisted. She won't be testing that rule again.
Today's meeting was all about Thanksgiving. It seems to be the one day a year that drives WWers over the edge. We did an exercise where we actually mapped out our typical Thanksgiving meal on paper plates. Then came the calculation of points. People had all kinds of suggestions like, "Don't let any of your food items touch each other on your plate." The idea being that you'll leave space between foods and won't over do it, I guess. But I think it really comes down to common sense. Of course it doesn't hurt that my mother-in-law, the Thanksgiving Day chef, is a WWer too and she'll be making some lower fat substitutions with some ingredients. Thanks, Mama! I won't tell the other guests your secret recipes.
The frustrating thing is that I'm 20 pounds away from my goal weight, and I know exactly where those 20 pounds are. Sitting right on my stomach and thighs, where I can see them everyday. They're taunting me. The weight loss is visible to me in my face, my arms, my legs, my waist. But that darn stomach is a stubborn...well, I won't get into name-calling. I kinda knew the last pounds would be the hardest. And I'm sure it will get even more challenging. All the more reason to stick with it.
So if I'm lacking in my blog skills this week, as I have been in weeks past, let me take this opportunity to wish you all a Happy Turkey Day. Hug your loved ones, remember all that you have. This WW journey is only one of many things I am thankful for this year. Each one of you is high on that list as well.
Luckily, my careless attitude hasn't been my downfall. Went back to WW after a week off and weighed in at 174.6 lbs. That's down 1.4 lbs for a total loss of 38.8. I was amazed, yet again. Aside from not calculating my food intake, I also only exercised once this week. So I wasn't expecting good results. Not to mention that the one time I did exercise, I went to the gym after work without having eaten anything that day...not a winning combination. Let's just say Carrie learned an important lesson about nutrition and exercise that day. Ended up sitting in a chair looking out the window eating a nutritional bar and hoping she could walk out unassisted. She won't be testing that rule again.
Today's meeting was all about Thanksgiving. It seems to be the one day a year that drives WWers over the edge. We did an exercise where we actually mapped out our typical Thanksgiving meal on paper plates. Then came the calculation of points. People had all kinds of suggestions like, "Don't let any of your food items touch each other on your plate." The idea being that you'll leave space between foods and won't over do it, I guess. But I think it really comes down to common sense. Of course it doesn't hurt that my mother-in-law, the Thanksgiving Day chef, is a WWer too and she'll be making some lower fat substitutions with some ingredients. Thanks, Mama! I won't tell the other guests your secret recipes.
The frustrating thing is that I'm 20 pounds away from my goal weight, and I know exactly where those 20 pounds are. Sitting right on my stomach and thighs, where I can see them everyday. They're taunting me. The weight loss is visible to me in my face, my arms, my legs, my waist. But that darn stomach is a stubborn...well, I won't get into name-calling. I kinda knew the last pounds would be the hardest. And I'm sure it will get even more challenging. All the more reason to stick with it.
So if I'm lacking in my blog skills this week, as I have been in weeks past, let me take this opportunity to wish you all a Happy Turkey Day. Hug your loved ones, remember all that you have. This WW journey is only one of many things I am thankful for this year. Each one of you is high on that list as well.
11.11.2006
Day One Hundred Thirty-Three
I have no idea what I weigh right now, since there was no WW meeting today. But I kinda like it that way for some reason.
Kicked off the week with some eating extremes. Started out my day with breakfast from Farmer's Market. Egg white omelet, mushrooms and tomatoes. The end of the day, however, brought lots of goodies at a family party, including chocolate cake from King's Hawaiian. Yes, a whole slice. And did I mention the M&M's?
The greatest moment of the night came when I was being greeted by a relative of Jon's who hadn't seen me in awhile. She hugged me and said, "Hey, skinny. Pretty soon I won't be able to see you anymore." I was instantly struck by the irony of that statement. I realized that the harder I work at this and the more weight I lose, off my body and mind, the more of the real me is visible to others. People are just now starting to see Carrie. And it feels really good.
Kicked off the week with some eating extremes. Started out my day with breakfast from Farmer's Market. Egg white omelet, mushrooms and tomatoes. The end of the day, however, brought lots of goodies at a family party, including chocolate cake from King's Hawaiian. Yes, a whole slice. And did I mention the M&M's?
The greatest moment of the night came when I was being greeted by a relative of Jon's who hadn't seen me in awhile. She hugged me and said, "Hey, skinny. Pretty soon I won't be able to see you anymore." I was instantly struck by the irony of that statement. I realized that the harder I work at this and the more weight I lose, off my body and mind, the more of the real me is visible to others. People are just now starting to see Carrie. And it feels really good.
11.10.2006
Day One Hundred Thirty-Two
Happy Friday, everyone. It's been a good week. I've been lacking in my tracking (didn't mean to do that, honest!), but I'm feeling great.
Went back to the gym with J yesterday. My feelings about going there are totally different now. That first trip obviously was breaking down the wall, now it's about slowly building confidence. We did some more weight training before doing some cardio. I didn't want to do the treadmill, because that's something that I'm used to. Really wanted to try something new. So I step on the elliptical, J sets it for 30 minutes, and two minutes later I'm seeing my life flash before my eyes. My legs were burning and I thought I might die. I know this sounds dramatic, but I was truly convinced that if I made it to five minutes, it would be only through an act of God. J kept saying, "You'll be fine. Try for fifteen." That seemed completely impossible. But I stuck with it. And when I made it to fifteen minutes, I decided I'd stay on for twenty. And when twenty came, I knew I could make it to thirty. And I did.
This was a good reminder to me about how mental this process is. Don't get me wrong, the pain I was feeling was OBVIOUSLY physical, but it allowed me to convince myself that I couldn't accomplish my goal. The mind is so powerful sometimes. That's why we have to stay focused, so we don't allow it to talk us out of the things that, deep down, we know we can and should be doing.
In the evening, Jon and I made it out to a book talk that I had so been looking forward to. It did not disappoint. Frank Warren, the founder of PostSecret (If you haven't been there, go there! Right now!), spoke about the project and signed two of the book compilations. Basically, it's a community art project where people send in secrets on postcards. Frank, all on his own, picks up thousands of these postcards from his very own mailbox each week, reads and catalogs them, and posts some on the website. They are fascinating. More than the actual cards themselves, it's about people finding common ground, learning about themselves by reading the secrets of others. I was inspired by this one individual and the massive movement he has started. And it all started with a simple idea, a simple act. I think there's a lot to be learned from that.
I also couldn't help but think about myself, my own secrets. We've all got them, things you don't share for a variety of reasons. Things about your past, things about your present. And I realized that one of the secrets I carried for so many years, my own self-loathing, has been exposed to the light. It's not a secret anymore. That's how this blog got started in the first place. It's just me telling you where my head has been in relation to my body. I hadn't realized this was even a secret until I started to tell more people about the blog. The reactions I usually got were, "Wow, I never knew you felt this way." Which told me a lot about the masks I was wearing and taught me how to take them off. Shedding pounds off of my body has become shedding tons off my soul.
So there's no weigh-in tomorrow. I get the morning off. I'm hoping that by next week's WW meeting I will have reached 175 lbs...maybe even 174. Who knows. It's just nice to not be bound by the numbers. Well not all the time, anyway. I find myself really enjoying moments, which includes food and exercise, rather than obsessing over my weight. What a refreshing feeling.
Oh, and I know I've been a little shout-out-happy recently, but I can't help it. I have to give kudos to A, for taking chances, following a dream, being willing to learn more about herself. And to J who is finishing up his first week at a great new job. And to M, who is slaving away at work and school, but is always ready with a hug (even a virtual one). You guys are awesome...thanks for listening to all the ramblings of this crazy fat girl.
Went back to the gym with J yesterday. My feelings about going there are totally different now. That first trip obviously was breaking down the wall, now it's about slowly building confidence. We did some more weight training before doing some cardio. I didn't want to do the treadmill, because that's something that I'm used to. Really wanted to try something new. So I step on the elliptical, J sets it for 30 minutes, and two minutes later I'm seeing my life flash before my eyes. My legs were burning and I thought I might die. I know this sounds dramatic, but I was truly convinced that if I made it to five minutes, it would be only through an act of God. J kept saying, "You'll be fine. Try for fifteen." That seemed completely impossible. But I stuck with it. And when I made it to fifteen minutes, I decided I'd stay on for twenty. And when twenty came, I knew I could make it to thirty. And I did.
This was a good reminder to me about how mental this process is. Don't get me wrong, the pain I was feeling was OBVIOUSLY physical, but it allowed me to convince myself that I couldn't accomplish my goal. The mind is so powerful sometimes. That's why we have to stay focused, so we don't allow it to talk us out of the things that, deep down, we know we can and should be doing.
In the evening, Jon and I made it out to a book talk that I had so been looking forward to. It did not disappoint. Frank Warren, the founder of PostSecret (If you haven't been there, go there! Right now!), spoke about the project and signed two of the book compilations. Basically, it's a community art project where people send in secrets on postcards. Frank, all on his own, picks up thousands of these postcards from his very own mailbox each week, reads and catalogs them, and posts some on the website. They are fascinating. More than the actual cards themselves, it's about people finding common ground, learning about themselves by reading the secrets of others. I was inspired by this one individual and the massive movement he has started. And it all started with a simple idea, a simple act. I think there's a lot to be learned from that.
I also couldn't help but think about myself, my own secrets. We've all got them, things you don't share for a variety of reasons. Things about your past, things about your present. And I realized that one of the secrets I carried for so many years, my own self-loathing, has been exposed to the light. It's not a secret anymore. That's how this blog got started in the first place. It's just me telling you where my head has been in relation to my body. I hadn't realized this was even a secret until I started to tell more people about the blog. The reactions I usually got were, "Wow, I never knew you felt this way." Which told me a lot about the masks I was wearing and taught me how to take them off. Shedding pounds off of my body has become shedding tons off my soul.
So there's no weigh-in tomorrow. I get the morning off. I'm hoping that by next week's WW meeting I will have reached 175 lbs...maybe even 174. Who knows. It's just nice to not be bound by the numbers. Well not all the time, anyway. I find myself really enjoying moments, which includes food and exercise, rather than obsessing over my weight. What a refreshing feeling.
Oh, and I know I've been a little shout-out-happy recently, but I can't help it. I have to give kudos to A, for taking chances, following a dream, being willing to learn more about herself. And to J who is finishing up his first week at a great new job. And to M, who is slaving away at work and school, but is always ready with a hug (even a virtual one). You guys are awesome...thanks for listening to all the ramblings of this crazy fat girl.
11.06.2006
Day One Hundred Twenty-Eight
Two words...french fries! Yes, I ate them. And two hot dogs as well. Right after I finished saying I'm gonna stay focused. You know what this means? Two things:
- We need to go grocery shopping.
- The gym is calling my name! (Just not over the loudspeaker this time, hopefully)
11.05.2006
Day One Hundred Twenty-Seven
Facts, figures and fears. These are three of the things that have played a very important role in my weight loss journey. Finally facing the fact that I had let myself get far beyond the point I ever wanted to be - that's what got me to go to WW. Realizing that I have the power to change the numbers on the scale, the figures - that has motivated me to continue. And conquering fears that I have carried with me for thirty years - that's been the great reward.
We'll begin with the facts and figures of this weekend. I was definitely more focused in the last half of the week. Got back to tracking my points and tried new exercise (which I'll get to a little later). The result was a really good weigh-in day. I lost 1.4 lbs. last week, for a total loss of 37.4 lbs. I'm now at 176! It's still surreal for me to realize that I don't weigh over 200 lbs. anymore. I defined myself that way for so long. I'm only 21 lbs. away from my goal, which seems so reachable to me now.
This was also a monumental week for me in that I faced a huge fear, one that has been with me for years. I went to the gym for the very first time. Yes, ever. Had never stepped foot inside the doors of a gym before. Those of you who have been reading this blog since the beginning or if you've gone back and read some of the early entries, you know how emotional of an experience this has been for me. You have an idea of the level of insecurity I've fought against for most of my life. That's why the concept of going to work out - something so common to most people - has seemed completely out of reach for me. The thought of exercising in front of, heaven forbid, PEOPLE, has scared me to death. Don't get me wrong, my mind understands that not everyone who goes to the gym is a hot babe. They're just regular people, I get that. But somehow I've always seen myself as "below" any of those people because I was so unhappy with the way that I looked.
So thanks to my good friend J, who has a free guest pass on his gym membership, I decided to take the plunge. When we parked the car I actually said, "I'll just stay here and wait while you go work out." I couldn't imagine walking in those doors. And the level of anxiety within me rose with each step toward the building. Which is why I thought I was going to fall over and die when the guy at the counter promptly took my ID and announced to the entire gym that I was a first-timer. Surprisingly enough, after being completely horrified, I was much more at ease.
We headed upstairs to do some weight training...something I've never done before. I couldn't tell you what all the different machines were if my life depended on it. But I learned a lot. And I was thrilled because I know that aside from general weight loss, toning up is another part of my goal. I'm not trying to get fancy, just firm up and be fit. Trying all this new stuff was a really great experience. And while I still lack a lot of confidence when it comes to working out in a social environment like that, I can safely say that I'm excited and looking forward to the next opportunity to go back. So tonight's shout out is to J, for opening the door and helping me take that huge first step.
I'd also like to say thanks to A, who joined me last night for my first "girls night out" in a really long time. We had a great dinner, saw a fantastic show, and dessert was...frankly, amazing. Totally way out of my points range (fresh warm cookies and ice cream to die for, enough said), but completely worth it. A, you are the best date ever. And I have to say that I recognize, if it were not for the weight loss and my changing self-image, I would have passed over an opportunity like this. Taking the time to go out and have fun means that I accept myself more, and don't worry so much about what I look like.
So I guess there's another word I need to add to the list. Facts, figures, fears, and best of all friends. You know who you are. Thank you for being a part of the journey.
We'll begin with the facts and figures of this weekend. I was definitely more focused in the last half of the week. Got back to tracking my points and tried new exercise (which I'll get to a little later). The result was a really good weigh-in day. I lost 1.4 lbs. last week, for a total loss of 37.4 lbs. I'm now at 176! It's still surreal for me to realize that I don't weigh over 200 lbs. anymore. I defined myself that way for so long. I'm only 21 lbs. away from my goal, which seems so reachable to me now.
This was also a monumental week for me in that I faced a huge fear, one that has been with me for years. I went to the gym for the very first time. Yes, ever. Had never stepped foot inside the doors of a gym before. Those of you who have been reading this blog since the beginning or if you've gone back and read some of the early entries, you know how emotional of an experience this has been for me. You have an idea of the level of insecurity I've fought against for most of my life. That's why the concept of going to work out - something so common to most people - has seemed completely out of reach for me. The thought of exercising in front of, heaven forbid, PEOPLE, has scared me to death. Don't get me wrong, my mind understands that not everyone who goes to the gym is a hot babe. They're just regular people, I get that. But somehow I've always seen myself as "below" any of those people because I was so unhappy with the way that I looked.
So thanks to my good friend J, who has a free guest pass on his gym membership, I decided to take the plunge. When we parked the car I actually said, "I'll just stay here and wait while you go work out." I couldn't imagine walking in those doors. And the level of anxiety within me rose with each step toward the building. Which is why I thought I was going to fall over and die when the guy at the counter promptly took my ID and announced to the entire gym that I was a first-timer. Surprisingly enough, after being completely horrified, I was much more at ease.
We headed upstairs to do some weight training...something I've never done before. I couldn't tell you what all the different machines were if my life depended on it. But I learned a lot. And I was thrilled because I know that aside from general weight loss, toning up is another part of my goal. I'm not trying to get fancy, just firm up and be fit. Trying all this new stuff was a really great experience. And while I still lack a lot of confidence when it comes to working out in a social environment like that, I can safely say that I'm excited and looking forward to the next opportunity to go back. So tonight's shout out is to J, for opening the door and helping me take that huge first step.
I'd also like to say thanks to A, who joined me last night for my first "girls night out" in a really long time. We had a great dinner, saw a fantastic show, and dessert was...frankly, amazing. Totally way out of my points range (fresh warm cookies and ice cream to die for, enough said), but completely worth it. A, you are the best date ever. And I have to say that I recognize, if it were not for the weight loss and my changing self-image, I would have passed over an opportunity like this. Taking the time to go out and have fun means that I accept myself more, and don't worry so much about what I look like.
So I guess there's another word I need to add to the list. Facts, figures, fears, and best of all friends. You know who you are. Thank you for being a part of the journey.
11.01.2006
Day One Hundred Twenty-Three
Have you taken a look at your calendars, people? IT'S NOVEMBER! How did this happen? It's been over a week since my last post, which should give you a glimpse of what October was like for me. For all the planning and preparations, it was a great month, filled with lots of reasons to be thankul. Pass the Light was beyond what I had expected, Z's birthday was a blast and he definitely can't complain...we're STILL opening gifts and filling up the recycle bin with cardboard packaging! Not to mention our second consecutive year of participation in Make a Difference Day, gathering with a group of really supportive people to do some good. Throughout the month, everything was moving so fast, I found myself just looking to get to the next thing. That was, of course, until Elena stepped in with this much needed reminder of why we do what we do.
So in the midst of all the chaos, something had to give. Unfortunately it was WW. Not that I've fallen completely off the wagon. But the past few weeks have been filled with "convenient eating," no tracking my points, way less exercise, that sorta thing. Which is probably another reason I haven't been blogging...didn't want to get discouraged by seeing it all there in black and white.
Naturally, based on recent behavioral slips, I was expecting the worst on weigh-in day. I was looking to have gained about five pounds or so. Actually, what I told Jon was, "I'll be happy if I've gained less than five pounds, but I'm expecting it to be closer to ten." When I got to WW, I immediately told Jim that it wasn't going to be pretty. I step on the scale and he says, "Well, it could be a lot worse." Up only 0.2lbs! I couldn't believe it. I'm sure there were other WWers who came in that morning and were discouraged to be up 0.2, but I drove home smiling and upon entering the house announced that I had never been so happy to gain weight! And it was completely true.
So here it is, November. The start of a season of eating for everyone. But I'm excited because this is my get-back-on-track month. Literally, with tracking my food intake. It just has to be done. I can tell myself all I want that I'll remember what I ate and account for it later, but writing it down is what really works. And staying committed to exercise is key. What's nice is that I actually look forward to opportunities for activity now, I don't run from them. So I'm more inclined to keep the commitment. I'm not gonna let the Thanksgiving turkey and Christmas ham wear me down.
Welcome to a new day. Each one is a blessing. I've taken inventory of all the previous days and put them in their place where they add up to exactly where I am right at this moment. The key is to make sure they stay in their place and aren't allowed to redirect my future. My past is part of me, but I am not my past. I am my right now.
So in the midst of all the chaos, something had to give. Unfortunately it was WW. Not that I've fallen completely off the wagon. But the past few weeks have been filled with "convenient eating," no tracking my points, way less exercise, that sorta thing. Which is probably another reason I haven't been blogging...didn't want to get discouraged by seeing it all there in black and white.
Naturally, based on recent behavioral slips, I was expecting the worst on weigh-in day. I was looking to have gained about five pounds or so. Actually, what I told Jon was, "I'll be happy if I've gained less than five pounds, but I'm expecting it to be closer to ten." When I got to WW, I immediately told Jim that it wasn't going to be pretty. I step on the scale and he says, "Well, it could be a lot worse." Up only 0.2lbs! I couldn't believe it. I'm sure there were other WWers who came in that morning and were discouraged to be up 0.2, but I drove home smiling and upon entering the house announced that I had never been so happy to gain weight! And it was completely true.
So here it is, November. The start of a season of eating for everyone. But I'm excited because this is my get-back-on-track month. Literally, with tracking my food intake. It just has to be done. I can tell myself all I want that I'll remember what I ate and account for it later, but writing it down is what really works. And staying committed to exercise is key. What's nice is that I actually look forward to opportunities for activity now, I don't run from them. So I'm more inclined to keep the commitment. I'm not gonna let the Thanksgiving turkey and Christmas ham wear me down.
Welcome to a new day. Each one is a blessing. I've taken inventory of all the previous days and put them in their place where they add up to exactly where I am right at this moment. The key is to make sure they stay in their place and aren't allowed to redirect my future. My past is part of me, but I am not my past. I am my right now.
10.23.2006
Day One Hundred Fourteen
Bear with me, everything's been up in the air lately and nothing has quite settled yet. This includes my weight. At this point, I have no idea how much I weigh and I almost don't even remember what I've eaten in the past three days. But I can tell you I've had my share of no-no's. What would a party weekend be without plenty of those?
I actually missed my WW weigh in and meeting on Saturday, but got in some exercise for the body and nourishment for the soul. Jon, Z and I headed out to Irvine to participate in the OC Walk To Remember, in honor of our Elena. It was an inspiration to meet the two moms who started and coordinated this annual event. Before the walk all attendees gathered for a remembrance ceremony, including a reading of the names of the babies we were walking for. I surprised myself by getting emotional during the balloon release. I guess after four years, it's still difficult for me to witness anything symbolizing letting my Elena go, even though she's already gone.
Immediately after the ceremony, we began the 5K walk, taking 5,278 brisk steps to the finish line. It was incredibly hot, which usually slows me down, but I took this as an opportunity for some productive exercise and maintained my speed. It was without a doubt an energizing and refreshing way to start the weekend. And even more meaningful to do something personal for Elena. We spend the whole year running the Fund and organizing events of our own in October, but as an organizer you never get to experience the full impact. This day was just for us, just for me to pause and reflect. It was exactly what I needed.
To maintain fairness, the rest of the weekend was devoted to Z, my now two-year-old prince. Sunday we gathered with family and friends for his birthday party. As usual there were some stress factors involved getting everything together. What kind of party would it be without stress, right? But the outcome was amazing. There was more love in that room than I can even comprehend. Who are we to be that fortunate? It overwhelms me every time I think about it.
So needless to say, it was a great weekend. I didn't count points because I was too busy counting the blessings. We were still polishing off party leftovers today, so I'm sure the point count isn't too pretty still. But tomorrow I'm back on track. Need to get focused again, want to get back to basics. Am looking forward to the treadmill tomorrow night and have been thinking about how to fit in some trips to the gym. Maybe after this season, who knows. The important thing is that through the challenges I haven't given up on myself, which used to be so easy for me to do. One wrong move or a slip off the scale was enough to send me packing. But not anymore. I've come too far, had too much support and seen too many glimpses of my true self to let that happen.
I actually missed my WW weigh in and meeting on Saturday, but got in some exercise for the body and nourishment for the soul. Jon, Z and I headed out to Irvine to participate in the OC Walk To Remember, in honor of our Elena. It was an inspiration to meet the two moms who started and coordinated this annual event. Before the walk all attendees gathered for a remembrance ceremony, including a reading of the names of the babies we were walking for. I surprised myself by getting emotional during the balloon release. I guess after four years, it's still difficult for me to witness anything symbolizing letting my Elena go, even though she's already gone.
Immediately after the ceremony, we began the 5K walk, taking 5,278 brisk steps to the finish line. It was incredibly hot, which usually slows me down, but I took this as an opportunity for some productive exercise and maintained my speed. It was without a doubt an energizing and refreshing way to start the weekend. And even more meaningful to do something personal for Elena. We spend the whole year running the Fund and organizing events of our own in October, but as an organizer you never get to experience the full impact. This day was just for us, just for me to pause and reflect. It was exactly what I needed.
To maintain fairness, the rest of the weekend was devoted to Z, my now two-year-old prince. Sunday we gathered with family and friends for his birthday party. As usual there were some stress factors involved getting everything together. What kind of party would it be without stress, right? But the outcome was amazing. There was more love in that room than I can even comprehend. Who are we to be that fortunate? It overwhelms me every time I think about it.
So needless to say, it was a great weekend. I didn't count points because I was too busy counting the blessings. We were still polishing off party leftovers today, so I'm sure the point count isn't too pretty still. But tomorrow I'm back on track. Need to get focused again, want to get back to basics. Am looking forward to the treadmill tomorrow night and have been thinking about how to fit in some trips to the gym. Maybe after this season, who knows. The important thing is that through the challenges I haven't given up on myself, which used to be so easy for me to do. One wrong move or a slip off the scale was enough to send me packing. But not anymore. I've come too far, had too much support and seen too many glimpses of my true self to let that happen.
10.18.2006
Day One Hundred Nine
Y'think I would have figured it out by now, but I'm discovering that counting points after the fact is not such a great idea. Good intentions are wonderful things, but intentions don't help you lose pounds. We were at Islands today, which I love, and I thought I was being pretty good. Ordered some chicken tacos and thought to myself, "These can't be worth that many points, so I get to have cheddar fries, too!" Cut to me at my computer, checking points values on the WW site...22 points for the tacos. Did I mention that I only get 24 points a day? And...scene.
It's another busy week, Z's party is on Sunday. My little man is two years old. Everything just sweeps by so fast. And when you stop for a glance at a photo or some other reminder, it can be overwhelming...in a good way. Been talking to J about the fact that he was a preemie baby 30 years ago. Found out his mom went into pre-term labor at about 29 weeks and he weighed 2lbs. 9oz at birth. How do you wrap your mind around that? Seems almost impossible for a baby of that size to survive after multiple blood transfusions, surgery and several other life-preserving procedures. If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is. Looking forward to celebrating the miracle that is life with J and all our family and friends this weekend. Reminds me how monumental every birthday is. Correction...how monumental every DAY is.
It's another busy week, Z's party is on Sunday. My little man is two years old. Everything just sweeps by so fast. And when you stop for a glance at a photo or some other reminder, it can be overwhelming...in a good way. Been talking to J about the fact that he was a preemie baby 30 years ago. Found out his mom went into pre-term labor at about 29 weeks and he weighed 2lbs. 9oz at birth. How do you wrap your mind around that? Seems almost impossible for a baby of that size to survive after multiple blood transfusions, surgery and several other life-preserving procedures. If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is. Looking forward to celebrating the miracle that is life with J and all our family and friends this weekend. Reminds me how monumental every birthday is. Correction...how monumental every DAY is.
10.15.2006
Day One Hundred Six: Jam-Packed Weekend Edition
Pretty hard to put a weekend like this into words. Some monumental things happened. Let's start with weight loss. Weigh in day was really good. I was down another 1.8 lbs. for a total of 36.2 lbs. I'm currently at 177.2. When Jim handed me my seventh little red bookmark that morning, he said simply, "It's been 15 weeks. Talk to us." So I said some of the same things I usually say. I love the program, I have tremendous support, I feel better than ever. I also told him that the motivation to continue forward comes from what's already been accomplished in the past. Thirty-six. "I don't ever want to go back to the way I was. And I know I don't have to." On the inside, or the outside.
Later that same day came all the busy-ness in preparation for the PTL candlelight service. This year did not involve any chaos, surprisingly. Last year involved nothing but chaos, but apparently we've worked out a lot of the bugs. The whole day was beyond what I can detail here. The people who were meant to be there were there. Everything looked beautiful, everyone who came was really touched. But as always in my life, what stood out were the people. The individuals who believe, who gave of themselves to help and to experience. The time, caring and dedication. The overwhelming love I saw on every face and felt in every hug.
Experiences like this often make me wonder how I was chosen for such a time as this. Why was I picked to give birth to such a small but miraculous being? How was I entrusted with her legacy? And how can any one person be so blessed as to be surrounded on all sides by such indescribable love? Sure I have as many bad days as the next guy, but I find it hard to be anything but thankful everyday. In my silly interactions with A and G at work. In my serious conversations with J, finding out how we've both changed during the (too many) years that we didn't talk. In my daily correspondence with moms who are suffering inside. In the giggles and tickles with Z on our big bed. In the spontaneous adventures and quiet moments with Jon. It's all a part of me, it's who I am. I never want to take that for granted.
On a very vain note, the weight loss was extremely noticeable, especially to many of those I hadn't seen since last year. I was really happy with the way my suit looked. And in watching some of the video footage from the night of the service, I can't believe the difference. It's almost like I'm looking at someone else. I was telling J recently that it's horrible but when I see this year's footage compared to last years, I can't help but think, "Why did Fox news have to come out to film during the fat year?" That's just the selfish me talking. (I've gotta throw thoughts like that in there so that you know I'm equal parts deep thinker and silly, frivolous knucklehead - like everyone else).
For those who were there, thank you for working and sharing. For those who weren't, thank you for praying and encouraging. You know who you are to me, and I love you.
Later that same day came all the busy-ness in preparation for the PTL candlelight service. This year did not involve any chaos, surprisingly. Last year involved nothing but chaos, but apparently we've worked out a lot of the bugs. The whole day was beyond what I can detail here. The people who were meant to be there were there. Everything looked beautiful, everyone who came was really touched. But as always in my life, what stood out were the people. The individuals who believe, who gave of themselves to help and to experience. The time, caring and dedication. The overwhelming love I saw on every face and felt in every hug.
Experiences like this often make me wonder how I was chosen for such a time as this. Why was I picked to give birth to such a small but miraculous being? How was I entrusted with her legacy? And how can any one person be so blessed as to be surrounded on all sides by such indescribable love? Sure I have as many bad days as the next guy, but I find it hard to be anything but thankful everyday. In my silly interactions with A and G at work. In my serious conversations with J, finding out how we've both changed during the (too many) years that we didn't talk. In my daily correspondence with moms who are suffering inside. In the giggles and tickles with Z on our big bed. In the spontaneous adventures and quiet moments with Jon. It's all a part of me, it's who I am. I never want to take that for granted.
On a very vain note, the weight loss was extremely noticeable, especially to many of those I hadn't seen since last year. I was really happy with the way my suit looked. And in watching some of the video footage from the night of the service, I can't believe the difference. It's almost like I'm looking at someone else. I was telling J recently that it's horrible but when I see this year's footage compared to last years, I can't help but think, "Why did Fox news have to come out to film during the fat year?" That's just the selfish me talking. (I've gotta throw thoughts like that in there so that you know I'm equal parts deep thinker and silly, frivolous knucklehead - like everyone else).
For those who were there, thank you for working and sharing. For those who weren't, thank you for praying and encouraging. You know who you are to me, and I love you.
10.12.2006
Happiness is...
...buying a pair of size 12 pants that FIT! Nothing spilling over the top or busting out the seams.
It's been a good day so far. Can you tell? :-D
It's been a good day so far. Can you tell? :-D
10.11.2006
Day One Hundred Two
Here's a dilemma I've been dreaming about and never thought I'd have. Went shopping today to try and find something to wear to the service on Saturday. Thought it would just be another quick trip to the fat lady store. Lane Bryant, my favorite store, have shopped there for everything I've worn over the past ten years, at least. Just looking for a dress or a nice top I could wear with my one pair of black pants that actually fit at the moment. Tried on at least six tops/sweaters and a skirt, all size 14. Too baggy...all of it! That's never happened before. Every time I put something on I was thinking, "It must be an odd cut or something." But after six I figured, maybe I'm just not that big anymore.
Then it hit me that I couldn't just go get a smaller size because...that's the smallest size they carry! Which meant...I had to go elsewhere. Here's where the dilemma came in. I'm completely unfamiliar with any other store, including department stores. Have always overlooked them because there was no point in trying. So I check out Macy's and a couple of shops along our walking route. Felt completely lost. Clothing in Macy's is divided up by designer. What sense does that make!?!? Not to mention that size 14 at the fat lady store is different than size 14 at a department store. So do I go back up to 16? And what the heck is the difference between 16 and 16W?
Total confusion. Needless to say, left with nothing. Well, that's not true. Nothing but a great big smile on my face!
Then it hit me that I couldn't just go get a smaller size because...that's the smallest size they carry! Which meant...I had to go elsewhere. Here's where the dilemma came in. I'm completely unfamiliar with any other store, including department stores. Have always overlooked them because there was no point in trying. So I check out Macy's and a couple of shops along our walking route. Felt completely lost. Clothing in Macy's is divided up by designer. What sense does that make!?!? Not to mention that size 14 at the fat lady store is different than size 14 at a department store. So do I go back up to 16? And what the heck is the difference between 16 and 16W?
Total confusion. Needless to say, left with nothing. Well, that's not true. Nothing but a great big smile on my face!
10.09.2006
Day One Hundred
Got whistled at today while walking from my car into the post office. Really wasn't all that it's cracked up to be. It's never happened before, so it sorta took me off guard. Not sure what I expected, but whatever it was, that wasn't it. Maybe because I realized, why the heck do I care about what some dirty guy in an old Ford Escort thinks about my looks?
Was a good day. Preparations are in full swing for Saturday's Pass the Light service (Not gonna go into the full explanation here, so if you're curious, check this out). Plenty to do and never enough time to do it, but I think we're ahead of last year's schedule. Hung out with J and Jr. as well, so Zaya was thrilled, naturally. He thinks everyone lives to be his friend. Oh, to be two years old again.
A actually called me skinny today. She's pretty adamant that I buy some new pants, and who can blame her. It's starting to get ridiculous. Sometimes when I go to work I look like a little girl playing dress up in her mommy's clothes. Yeah, that bad.
Shout out to A2 who had a good points day. It's a great feeling when you've reached the end of the day and realize you managed to avoid snacking yourself out of 10 extra weekly points. Treat days are good too, but it's nice to make a habit of coloring within the lines. The lines are our friends.
Was a good day. Preparations are in full swing for Saturday's Pass the Light service (Not gonna go into the full explanation here, so if you're curious, check this out). Plenty to do and never enough time to do it, but I think we're ahead of last year's schedule. Hung out with J and Jr. as well, so Zaya was thrilled, naturally. He thinks everyone lives to be his friend. Oh, to be two years old again.
A actually called me skinny today. She's pretty adamant that I buy some new pants, and who can blame her. It's starting to get ridiculous. Sometimes when I go to work I look like a little girl playing dress up in her mommy's clothes. Yeah, that bad.
Shout out to A2 who had a good points day. It's a great feeling when you've reached the end of the day and realize you managed to avoid snacking yourself out of 10 extra weekly points. Treat days are good too, but it's nice to make a habit of coloring within the lines. The lines are our friends.
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