It's 11:09pm and I just prepped a brisket for the slow cooker. It almost sounds like I know what I'm talking about, huh? I should've been an actress.
Not only that, but I sat down and planned out a few different meals for the week. Then proceeded to write out a shopping list to include items I would need for several entrees that I plan to prepare. As if that weren't enough, Zaya and I took a trip to the grocery store, where we actually walked each aisle and filled up our cart with the necessary fixin's and some healthy snacks.
This is getting a little out of hand. Domestication be damned.
2.03.2009
1.31.2009
Day 944 - Weigh In
Just the facts, ma'am.
Went up .8 pounds this week. Current weight is 184.6 pounds.
It was a loooooooooooong weekend. But a good one.
Went up .8 pounds this week. Current weight is 184.6 pounds.
It was a loooooooooooong weekend. But a good one.
1.28.2009
Day Nine Hundred Forty-One
I JUST COOKED A MEAL!
For those of you that really know me, this is a big deal. I have several things working against me when it comes to cooking. First, I never really learned how - that's the bigee. I've dabbled with baked goods, I've heated up plenty of pre-prepared dishes from Trader Joe's and I've mastered a couple of things in the crock pot. But until today I had never done what I consider actual "cooking" before. Where you start with frozen meat of some kind, defrost it, brown it and then combine it with some other ingredients to create a meal.
The other factors that contribute to my absence from the kitchen are all the same complications everybody else deals with. Part-time job, chasing an energetic kid, household chores, running several entrepreneurial endeavors. But somehow others seem to find the time to do all that stuff and cook. In thirty-three years, I haven't quite figured that one out.
Needless to say (though I'm going to say it anyway), I didn't exactly tackle a gourmet masterpiece for my first time around. I found a WW recipe online that we had most of the ingredients for already and decided to give it a shot. Oven baked turkey flautas (or chimichangas, depending on what light you look at them in). The whole thing took about 25 minutes from start to finish and was pretty darn tasty. Of course Jon may have only agreed with the tasty part so as not to completely crush my ego, but even that would be ok. I'm proud of myself anyway.
The thing that surprised me about the whole experience was that I actually enjoyed it. The story might be different if I had to put on a four course meal, but overall I was calm, confident and found it a little...dare I say FUN?
The bottom line is that I felt pretty good about feeding my family. Though technically I only fed Jon and myself because Z refused to eat, then ended up stuffing his face full of dehydrated apples and goldfish crackers, but that's another blog entry entirely.
I should also throw out there that this in no way means I'm gonna have the time to make this a daily thing. And my hat's off to all you ladies and men out there who are able to do that. Kudos, praise and all that jazz, man. But nevertheless it's a start, and I'm kind of excited about seeking out new recipes.
Ok, excited is a strong word. Let's start with "positive." I can think positive thoughts about finding recipes and doing more cooking.
For those of you that really know me, this is a big deal. I have several things working against me when it comes to cooking. First, I never really learned how - that's the bigee. I've dabbled with baked goods, I've heated up plenty of pre-prepared dishes from Trader Joe's and I've mastered a couple of things in the crock pot. But until today I had never done what I consider actual "cooking" before. Where you start with frozen meat of some kind, defrost it, brown it and then combine it with some other ingredients to create a meal.
The other factors that contribute to my absence from the kitchen are all the same complications everybody else deals with. Part-time job, chasing an energetic kid, household chores, running several entrepreneurial endeavors. But somehow others seem to find the time to do all that stuff and cook. In thirty-three years, I haven't quite figured that one out.
Needless to say (though I'm going to say it anyway), I didn't exactly tackle a gourmet masterpiece for my first time around. I found a WW recipe online that we had most of the ingredients for already and decided to give it a shot. Oven baked turkey flautas (or chimichangas, depending on what light you look at them in). The whole thing took about 25 minutes from start to finish and was pretty darn tasty. Of course Jon may have only agreed with the tasty part so as not to completely crush my ego, but even that would be ok. I'm proud of myself anyway.
The thing that surprised me about the whole experience was that I actually enjoyed it. The story might be different if I had to put on a four course meal, but overall I was calm, confident and found it a little...dare I say FUN?
The bottom line is that I felt pretty good about feeding my family. Though technically I only fed Jon and myself because Z refused to eat, then ended up stuffing his face full of dehydrated apples and goldfish crackers, but that's another blog entry entirely.
I should also throw out there that this in no way means I'm gonna have the time to make this a daily thing. And my hat's off to all you ladies and men out there who are able to do that. Kudos, praise and all that jazz, man. But nevertheless it's a start, and I'm kind of excited about seeking out new recipes.
Ok, excited is a strong word. Let's start with "positive." I can think positive thoughts about finding recipes and doing more cooking.
1.24.2009
Day 937: Weigh In
More proof that the program works when you follow it (what a concept!). Weighed in at 183.8 today, down 1.4 pounds from last week. This news actually got me mentally motivated to exercise, because I want to stay on pace. I realized that counting my points and eating healthier is making all the difference, and exercise is the other piece of the puzzle that will get me where I want to go.
There are a lot of people who don't need to attend the WW meetings. I've had people ask why I do. Could I lose the weight without that element? Probably. But why would I do that when I have access to the added resource? It's kind of like re-fueling my mind and spirit. You can laugh and say it's just a room full of fat people commisserating. And there are instances of that. But mainly it's a way to remind yourself that life isn't a diet and that the journey is as important as the destination.
There are a lot of people who don't need to attend the WW meetings. I've had people ask why I do. Could I lose the weight without that element? Probably. But why would I do that when I have access to the added resource? It's kind of like re-fueling my mind and spirit. You can laugh and say it's just a room full of fat people commisserating. And there are instances of that. But mainly it's a way to remind yourself that life isn't a diet and that the journey is as important as the destination.
1.19.2009
Day Nine Hundred Thirty-Two
So Jon had me diggin' for photos of him so he could do his own before/after picture on his blog. Of course what he considers his "fat" photos mean nothing to me when I keep finding stuff like this:
WHO IS THAT???
WHO IS THAT???
There...whew!!! Had to leave myself with an image of someone I recognize. It's also a good reminder that though I was off the wagon for awhile, I didn't fall completely out and roll all the way to the bottom of the hill.1.17.2009
Day 930 - Weigh In
Might as well start with the numbers, cuz they're good ones! My first week back to WW, I lost 2.2 pounds. Current weight is 185.2. When our leader Jim was recording my weight he said, "Nice job, Carrie!" I responded with, "See? I know how to do it...it's just a matter of doing it." And the truth is (emotional eating, life stressors and a genuine love for food aside), it really is that simple.
The good news at WW kicked off a really great weekend. Jon and I have been discussing throwing our hat back in the storytelling ring with a re-launch of StoryTunes. Everyone's always told us that doing the sing-alongs and working with kids is our gift, and I agree. Not to mention we really love it. We stopped performing when I got pregnant with Z. But now that he's four, he's at the perfect stage to become part of the team, and really benefit from it. So we're getting organized, re-connecting with our friends in the literacy community, and doing some focused marketing.
Right after the WW meeting, the three of us went to Wilson Park as invited guests of Southern California Live Steamers. Those in the Torrance and South Bay community know this group well. They have a beautiful property located on the park grounds and right next to the the train tracks where they offer free rides on their own miniature steam engines and electric trains. After a phone conversation with the president of the organization, we found ourselves at a board meeting and within minutes were signed up to perform on their next run day. It's an exciting opportunity to get the StoryTunes name back out there and to hopefully raise awareness of this great resource in the community.
As I was reflecting over the weekend, it was easy to get overwhelmed by all of the things we're involved with. Running PlanetZaya, trying to get back on track with The Shining Light Fund, Zaya's blossoming career, our continued involvement with First Book...not to mention that Jon and I have both been on the hunt for stable jobs for over a year now. And adding to the mix the rebirth of StoryTunes. Some might look at us and say we should be sacrificing our "extracurricular activities" and buckling down in a cubicle somewhere. And maybe that's true. We're certainly not sitting pretty on the financial end of things. But I can't help feeling that the Lord has opened the doors to all of these things as ministries. He's given us skills and talents that I don't want to waste. We have been privileged to make many new friends and touch the lives of all kinds of people each day with what we do. Not everyone gets to experience that. Not everyone takes the time to notice and appreciate what's around them, or is in the position to help give back. I'm thankful that we do.
So I'm on a good track right now, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sure it's easy for me to slip and fall backwards, like when I found out Jon's twenty year high school reunion will be happening this summer. My first thoughts were about how I would look, how intimidated I would feel by meeting and seeing other people from his past. I even decided at one point that I just wouldn't go, so as to avoid feeling all of those things. But that's not realistic...or healthy for that matter. And I don't want to go back to getting ahead of myself.
Life is what it is. A series of small, individual moments. They happen whether or not you're ready for them. Not easy, not pretty sometimes. And we don't always know how to do it. But it's the doing it that counts.
The good news at WW kicked off a really great weekend. Jon and I have been discussing throwing our hat back in the storytelling ring with a re-launch of StoryTunes. Everyone's always told us that doing the sing-alongs and working with kids is our gift, and I agree. Not to mention we really love it. We stopped performing when I got pregnant with Z. But now that he's four, he's at the perfect stage to become part of the team, and really benefit from it. So we're getting organized, re-connecting with our friends in the literacy community, and doing some focused marketing.
Right after the WW meeting, the three of us went to Wilson Park as invited guests of Southern California Live Steamers. Those in the Torrance and South Bay community know this group well. They have a beautiful property located on the park grounds and right next to the the train tracks where they offer free rides on their own miniature steam engines and electric trains. After a phone conversation with the president of the organization, we found ourselves at a board meeting and within minutes were signed up to perform on their next run day. It's an exciting opportunity to get the StoryTunes name back out there and to hopefully raise awareness of this great resource in the community.
As I was reflecting over the weekend, it was easy to get overwhelmed by all of the things we're involved with. Running PlanetZaya, trying to get back on track with The Shining Light Fund, Zaya's blossoming career, our continued involvement with First Book...not to mention that Jon and I have both been on the hunt for stable jobs for over a year now. And adding to the mix the rebirth of StoryTunes. Some might look at us and say we should be sacrificing our "extracurricular activities" and buckling down in a cubicle somewhere. And maybe that's true. We're certainly not sitting pretty on the financial end of things. But I can't help feeling that the Lord has opened the doors to all of these things as ministries. He's given us skills and talents that I don't want to waste. We have been privileged to make many new friends and touch the lives of all kinds of people each day with what we do. Not everyone gets to experience that. Not everyone takes the time to notice and appreciate what's around them, or is in the position to help give back. I'm thankful that we do.
So I'm on a good track right now, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sure it's easy for me to slip and fall backwards, like when I found out Jon's twenty year high school reunion will be happening this summer. My first thoughts were about how I would look, how intimidated I would feel by meeting and seeing other people from his past. I even decided at one point that I just wouldn't go, so as to avoid feeling all of those things. But that's not realistic...or healthy for that matter. And I don't want to go back to getting ahead of myself.
Life is what it is. A series of small, individual moments. They happen whether or not you're ready for them. Not easy, not pretty sometimes. And we don't always know how to do it. But it's the doing it that counts.
1.13.2009
Day Nine Hundred Twenty-Six
Note to self: Getting a small half Heath Bar flavor and half Peanut Butter Cup flavor at Golden Spoon Frozen Yogurt is almost like eating real candy.
Almost.
Almost.
1.10.2009
Day 923 - Weigh In
How's this for a wake-up call? I had to go back through my blog postings to find the format for my "Weigh-In" day entries. The last one I wrote was in October of '07. YIKES!
Let's see if I remember how to do this. Went to my first WW meeting today in four months. I didn't know what I would feel like. There's a natural tendency to feel embarrassed for "falling off the wagon," if you will. Or I thought maybe I'd be ambivalent about sitting there, thinking that I already know how this works, why do I need to be taught again? But I didn't feel any of that. Walking into that meeting felt like coming home. Despite the fact that many of the faces were new and many of the faces that I remember are long gone, I felt like I was where I belonged.
So here are the hard numbers: I weighed in at 187.4, which is down 26 lbs. from when I started. That part I was expecting. Yes it's disappointing to think that I had been down 50 lbs. at one point. But the part I wasn't expecting was learning that since my last weigh in on September 6, 2008, I'm only up about five pounds. This essentially means that I've been "maintaining" as we say at WW. In plain words, the lifestyle changes that I originally made when I joined have stuck with me. Though I've allowed myself to indulge in lots of sweets and more snacks over the past six months, I'm still making healthy food choices for meals. We're still keeping healthier foods in the house. I'm still not eating anything like I was for years before starting WW. That was a pleasantly surprising realization.
I have not started back into an exercise routine yet, but I will. I'm kinda viewing this as starting all over, getting my body used to the good foods again. We were at Costco over the weekend and saw an amazing deal on a 24 hour Fitness membership. Not amazing enough that we can afford it right now, but amazing nonetheless. It makes me happy that something like that...opportunities to exercise...is something I look forward to. Heck, the mere fact that I excitedly stopped the cart to read the deal is a miracle. That's something I never would have done pre-WW.
It sure is good to be back.
Let's see if I remember how to do this. Went to my first WW meeting today in four months. I didn't know what I would feel like. There's a natural tendency to feel embarrassed for "falling off the wagon," if you will. Or I thought maybe I'd be ambivalent about sitting there, thinking that I already know how this works, why do I need to be taught again? But I didn't feel any of that. Walking into that meeting felt like coming home. Despite the fact that many of the faces were new and many of the faces that I remember are long gone, I felt like I was where I belonged.
So here are the hard numbers: I weighed in at 187.4, which is down 26 lbs. from when I started. That part I was expecting. Yes it's disappointing to think that I had been down 50 lbs. at one point. But the part I wasn't expecting was learning that since my last weigh in on September 6, 2008, I'm only up about five pounds. This essentially means that I've been "maintaining" as we say at WW. In plain words, the lifestyle changes that I originally made when I joined have stuck with me. Though I've allowed myself to indulge in lots of sweets and more snacks over the past six months, I'm still making healthy food choices for meals. We're still keeping healthier foods in the house. I'm still not eating anything like I was for years before starting WW. That was a pleasantly surprising realization.
I have not started back into an exercise routine yet, but I will. I'm kinda viewing this as starting all over, getting my body used to the good foods again. We were at Costco over the weekend and saw an amazing deal on a 24 hour Fitness membership. Not amazing enough that we can afford it right now, but amazing nonetheless. It makes me happy that something like that...opportunities to exercise...is something I look forward to. Heck, the mere fact that I excitedly stopped the cart to read the deal is a miracle. That's something I never would have done pre-WW.
It sure is good to be back.
1.09.2009
Day Nine Hundred Twenty-Two
I came into the office today to find the usual assortment of illegible notes asking me to do ridiculous things, and it made me want to dive into the candy bucket. This was the first real strong craving I've had all week. But I reminded myself how well I've been doing this week, and the great food I've been eating, so I settled for using real sugar instead of Splenda in my coffee and called it an indulgence.
Getting back to the food, I've had some really flavorful yet healthy stuff this week. Whole Foods Market cooked up this veggie sandwich on a whole wheat roll that was excellent, and their split pea soup is equally good. Did I want to take a stroll by the bakery and the case of handmade chocolates that Jon so generously described to me? Absolutely! But I did not. Instead I focused on the really good meal I was eating and the time I was spending with my family.
I'm feeling like 2009 is off to a great start. No one ever knows what waits around the corner, but I'm doing a much better job of living in the moment and paying attention. My son is growing and changing so quickly and I'm taking more moments to drink him in and gauge his needs. Old friends are popping up everywhere and I'm loving the reconnection. So much is happening...but then, when is it not.
It's a good day. Don't let it get by you.
Getting back to the food, I've had some really flavorful yet healthy stuff this week. Whole Foods Market cooked up this veggie sandwich on a whole wheat roll that was excellent, and their split pea soup is equally good. Did I want to take a stroll by the bakery and the case of handmade chocolates that Jon so generously described to me? Absolutely! But I did not. Instead I focused on the really good meal I was eating and the time I was spending with my family.
I'm feeling like 2009 is off to a great start. No one ever knows what waits around the corner, but I'm doing a much better job of living in the moment and paying attention. My son is growing and changing so quickly and I'm taking more moments to drink him in and gauge his needs. Old friends are popping up everywhere and I'm loving the reconnection. So much is happening...but then, when is it not.
It's a good day. Don't let it get by you.
1.05.2009
Day Nine Hundred Eighteen
I'm back at work today. Wishing for about fifty more weeks of holiday, but that's slightly impossible. So instead I'm attacking the new year, new outlook thing. Got to work and did my normal routine, which includes filling the candy dish for our clients. I was looking at that chocolate and telling myself, "I don't want to ruin it. I'm committed. I'm committed." My mother-in-law would be proud...I'm investing in some positive self-talk.
I even poured myself a cup of coffee and used fake sugar so I could maximize the zero points value of the coffee. And when my boss showed up with a huge plate of cookies in all shapes and sizes, there I was talking to myself again. "It's not worth it. I'm committed." Amazingly, it wasn't difficult for me to get through these moments at all. I'm looking forward to being closer to a comfortable place in my body. Where the clothes fit right and I don't feel as sluggish.
A friend came by over the weekend and was telling me that she and her husband are joining WW. They have both gained weight over the past few years and had a rude awakening when they found out a cousin had just passed away suddenly. She said seeing and talking to the widow, who is understandably devastated, caused my friend and her husband to sit down and say to each other, "I don't want to go through that. I know there are circumstances beyond our control, but there are other things we can do to be healthier." And I wholeheartedly agree.
This discussion reminded me of the reason I joined WW in the first place. I want to be healthy. For me, for my husband, for my son. For all the things I've yet to do in life. I remember how good I felt when I got close to my goal weight, how much fun it was being more active with my family. Trying on new clothes, even when I didn't buy anything. How much more open I was to new experiences. And I want to get back to that. That's why I'm committed. Because I am important...to myself.
So 2009 is off and running, and so am I. Literally, figuratively, in every way I can. Gettin' back in the rhythm and I couldn't be happier about it.
I even poured myself a cup of coffee and used fake sugar so I could maximize the zero points value of the coffee. And when my boss showed up with a huge plate of cookies in all shapes and sizes, there I was talking to myself again. "It's not worth it. I'm committed." Amazingly, it wasn't difficult for me to get through these moments at all. I'm looking forward to being closer to a comfortable place in my body. Where the clothes fit right and I don't feel as sluggish.
A friend came by over the weekend and was telling me that she and her husband are joining WW. They have both gained weight over the past few years and had a rude awakening when they found out a cousin had just passed away suddenly. She said seeing and talking to the widow, who is understandably devastated, caused my friend and her husband to sit down and say to each other, "I don't want to go through that. I know there are circumstances beyond our control, but there are other things we can do to be healthier." And I wholeheartedly agree.
This discussion reminded me of the reason I joined WW in the first place. I want to be healthy. For me, for my husband, for my son. For all the things I've yet to do in life. I remember how good I felt when I got close to my goal weight, how much fun it was being more active with my family. Trying on new clothes, even when I didn't buy anything. How much more open I was to new experiences. And I want to get back to that. That's why I'm committed. Because I am important...to myself.
So 2009 is off and running, and so am I. Literally, figuratively, in every way I can. Gettin' back in the rhythm and I couldn't be happier about it.
12.31.2008
Day Nine Hundred Thirteen
"I've got another confession to make, I'm your fool.Remember when I used to write about weight and exercise and motivation or the lack thereof? *sigh* Those were the days. You may be asking yourself, "What happened?" The answer is simple...life. Life happened. Not just in the busy-running-to-work-and-taking-the-kid-to-gymnastics kind of way. Also in the looking-inside-and-battling-emotional-turmoil way as well.
Everyone's got their chains to break, holdin' you.
Were you born to resist, or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?"from "Best of You," by The Foo Fighters
How much do I weigh? Couldn't tell ya. The last WW meeting I attended? Months ago. Exercise? Sounds vaguely familiar. Yep, I think it's safe to say I fell off the wagon. Or safer to say that I took a flying leap.
It wasn't a conscious decision by any means. It's not like I woke up one day and said, "I wanna be fat again. Screw Weight Watchers!" More accurately I would say 2008 dealt me a tumultuous hand internally. And ironically, having lost fifty pounds and coming within twelve pounds of my goal is what triggered the inward reflection. In combination with the wear and tear of marriage, parenting, working in a "challenging" (translation = crazy) office environment, coming this close to five excellent employment opportunities and having none of them pan out...it all swirled together and resulted in me basically giving up on myself.
It isn't that I forgot how capable I am, that I was able to lose fifty pounds in just over a year. It's more that I was fighting too many other battles (most of them within myself) and started to think, "What's the point?" Maybe I was afraid of reaching my goal weight and having all of the other chaos still lingering around. I was forced to face the real reasons why I joined WW in the first place and just who it is that I want to be.
On Christmas Eve, I was out to dinner with Jon, Z and K. We were doing a little "year-in-review," listing off our individual accomplishments in 2008. Jon's whole year was practically taken up with shooting and editing a feature-length documentary, shooting beach volleyball footage for a potential project about Casey Jennings and his Olympic Gold Medalist wife Kerri Walsh, working a handful of weddings and an assortment of freelance gigs and part-time jobs. Kaitlin left her small town home in Michigan and moved to California (where she knew no one) just days after graduating high school be a live-in caretaker and work for my boss before taking on a second job. Zaya went on eleven auditions resulting in television commercial jobs for Target and McDonalds, and started a gymnastics class that he loves. Me? I...pretty much worked, took care of the homefront and supported all three of them through all of it.
At first glance, I saw this as a glass half-empty conversation. It made me sad that I was only able to come up with a short list of firsts which included singing karaoke and tasting sushi for the first time. But I quickly changed my perspective. I realized that the glass half-empty point of view is what was holding me back all year. I kept looking for what was lacking and overlooking what was already there in abundance.
I've made it to the point where I'm thankful for 2008 because I learned so much. Yes everyone around me was getting the best of me, leaving little left for myself. But it's not because they were taking it, it's because I was giving it away. Like most busy wives and moms these days, I've never made myself a priority. I've given the best of who I am to my parents, my husband, my children, my job, my volunteer work, and my friends. But I'm starting to see how much value and worth lies within me. I have much to offer all of those people because I am an intelligent, creative, loving, compassionate person. The timing of my accomplishments is not the same as everyone else's. And that's ok. Not to mention that who I am and what I have to offer is a pretty huge accomplishment in itself.
So what does all of this reflection add up to? That I'm excited about the new year. That I've committed myself to being a little more selfish. That I'm going back to following the WW program for my health and because I want to look good. That I'm going to spend more time playing with words and taking photos, rolling in the grass with my son, and all of the other things that I have a passion for. That I'm going to stop defining myself as someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's employee, and start defining myself as me.
As a friend wrote in their Christmas card to us this year, "We know that life is fragile and not all the days are uppers. May the new year be filled with peace, good health and strong bonds." I couldn't have said it any better. I am a blessed person. God is good to me everyday. It's about time I started being good to myself.
"I've got another confession my friend, I'm no fool.
I'm getting tired of starting again, somewhere new.
Were you born to resist, or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in...I refuse."
12.28.2008
Day Nine-Hundred Ten
Dear Mr. President-Elect Obama,
Just a short note from one lil ole' American citizen to another. You may recall that just over one month ago, you placed an important footprint on the path of our nation's history. And we were all watching. So many with tears of joy in their eyes and hope in their hearts that you will be the one to take the lemons we've haphazardly strewn about and make lemonade.
I just want you to know that I and my family are praying for you and yours. We, who did not even vote for you, will support you as our leader and respect you as an authority and a human being. Thankfully I am only responsible for myself. I cannot speak for those who so enthusiastically voted you into office and weeks later are questioning your character and leadership purely because of the minister you chose for your inaugural invocation and because of the possibility that the name "Jesus" might be uttered at this historic ceremony. I'm not that fickle. As far as I'm concerned this country, and you, face a mountain of challenges and issues, the least of which involves whether or not the Lord's name is mentioned in a (GASP! Non-demoninational deity or spirit-like being forbid) prayer.
So as we approach this most momentous occasion, remember that there are some out there who are with you, looking to a brighter tomorrow for all of us, not ready to tear you down in an instant for making a choice that you believe in.
Sincerely,
Carrie
Just a short note from one lil ole' American citizen to another. You may recall that just over one month ago, you placed an important footprint on the path of our nation's history. And we were all watching. So many with tears of joy in their eyes and hope in their hearts that you will be the one to take the lemons we've haphazardly strewn about and make lemonade.
I just want you to know that I and my family are praying for you and yours. We, who did not even vote for you, will support you as our leader and respect you as an authority and a human being. Thankfully I am only responsible for myself. I cannot speak for those who so enthusiastically voted you into office and weeks later are questioning your character and leadership purely because of the minister you chose for your inaugural invocation and because of the possibility that the name "Jesus" might be uttered at this historic ceremony. I'm not that fickle. As far as I'm concerned this country, and you, face a mountain of challenges and issues, the least of which involves whether or not the Lord's name is mentioned in a (GASP! Non-demoninational deity or spirit-like being forbid) prayer.
So as we approach this most momentous occasion, remember that there are some out there who are with you, looking to a brighter tomorrow for all of us, not ready to tear you down in an instant for making a choice that you believe in.
Sincerely,
Carrie
11.05.2008
Day Eight Hundred Fifty-Seven
In the words of a white rapper known only to Christian thirty-somethings in small pockets around the world...
Recently, Jon and I have been playing this horribly politically incorrect game we like to call, "At least you're not..." Usually it takes place in attempt to make ourselves feel better after commiserating about our finances or the daily stresses in our family. We stop to think about people we've heard of who face serious and severe challenges. And one of us will turn to the other and say, "At least you're not (insert name of down-and-out individual here)." Though he is far from down-and-out and though he is celebrating a monumental victory, today I can wholeheartedly say, "At least I'm not Barack Obama."
Last night I listened to our "fair and objective" media refer to President-Elect Obama as a "savior" and the "high-priest of change." I listened to people say that their hope is now restored. That is an awful lot for one man to live up to. A man who has said a lot of pretty words and been endorsed by a lot of pretty people, but who is at the heart of the matter still just one man who has a lot to prove.
I wish that this election meant as much positivity for our country as people give it credit for. I wish having our first African-American president meant that racism is being diminished. I wish the average American were as willing to face accountability for their own actions and contribute their own "calloused hands" to the cause of making this country better, as Obama indicated is necessary. But the fact is racism is still alive and well. We have our first African-American president not out of decreased bigotry but out of increased desperation. As far as I can tell anyone who was NOT Bush (i.e. NOT Republican) would have been all the change this country was seeking. Sure it helps that Obama is young and poised and eloquent. But God help the man who has now taken the reigns of a country of citizens that are quick to relinquish all personal responsibility and are relying on him to take this jumbled mess and fix it.
I'm gonna raise a lot of eyebrows with this entry. Especially from friends whose mouths will drop open and say, "She didn't vote for Obama????" No, I didn't vote for Obama. But at the same time, I want him to succeed. I want him to be a strong president and make decisions that will guide America to a brighter tomorrow, which if I'm not mistaken, is the same thing that everyone else wants. I will pray for him and his family as they head to the White House and face the next four years. And I will lend my hands and heart wherever I can to making this country a safe and strong place for my son and future generations. I commit myself to being a good citizen and supporting my president.
But as far as my hopes and faith, those remain where they've always been. With the One who created us all. The One who was and is the same yesterday, today and forever.
Yes my fellow American, these are extreme days. And maybe it's time we present the boldness of our beliefs in extreme ways.
May God keep His hand over us all.
"These are extreme, extreme days." - TobyMacLast night, along with millions of others glued to their television sets, I watched history in the making. The United States of America elected it's first African-American president. After weeks of watching the financial structure of this country crumble, and years of watching wars waged on foreign soil and social unrest thrive in our own backyards, citizens from coast to coast breathed a collective sigh of relief. Everyone smiling ear-to-ear, erupting in excited cheers and quiet tears of joy, clutching their paper campaign signs calling out for "CHANGE." It was a memorable and undeniably meaningful event for Americans.
Recently, Jon and I have been playing this horribly politically incorrect game we like to call, "At least you're not..." Usually it takes place in attempt to make ourselves feel better after commiserating about our finances or the daily stresses in our family. We stop to think about people we've heard of who face serious and severe challenges. And one of us will turn to the other and say, "At least you're not (insert name of down-and-out individual here)." Though he is far from down-and-out and though he is celebrating a monumental victory, today I can wholeheartedly say, "At least I'm not Barack Obama."
Last night I listened to our "fair and objective" media refer to President-Elect Obama as a "savior" and the "high-priest of change." I listened to people say that their hope is now restored. That is an awful lot for one man to live up to. A man who has said a lot of pretty words and been endorsed by a lot of pretty people, but who is at the heart of the matter still just one man who has a lot to prove.
I wish that this election meant as much positivity for our country as people give it credit for. I wish having our first African-American president meant that racism is being diminished. I wish the average American were as willing to face accountability for their own actions and contribute their own "calloused hands" to the cause of making this country better, as Obama indicated is necessary. But the fact is racism is still alive and well. We have our first African-American president not out of decreased bigotry but out of increased desperation. As far as I can tell anyone who was NOT Bush (i.e. NOT Republican) would have been all the change this country was seeking. Sure it helps that Obama is young and poised and eloquent. But God help the man who has now taken the reigns of a country of citizens that are quick to relinquish all personal responsibility and are relying on him to take this jumbled mess and fix it.
I'm gonna raise a lot of eyebrows with this entry. Especially from friends whose mouths will drop open and say, "She didn't vote for Obama????" No, I didn't vote for Obama. But at the same time, I want him to succeed. I want him to be a strong president and make decisions that will guide America to a brighter tomorrow, which if I'm not mistaken, is the same thing that everyone else wants. I will pray for him and his family as they head to the White House and face the next four years. And I will lend my hands and heart wherever I can to making this country a safe and strong place for my son and future generations. I commit myself to being a good citizen and supporting my president.
But as far as my hopes and faith, those remain where they've always been. With the One who created us all. The One who was and is the same yesterday, today and forever.
Yes my fellow American, these are extreme days. And maybe it's time we present the boldness of our beliefs in extreme ways.
May God keep His hand over us all.
10.15.2008
Day Eight-Hundred Thirty Six
I live with two miracles. One of them bounds around the house on a daily basis, heavy feet stomping and silky waves bouncing on his head. He addresses me as any number of female characters from any number of his favorite DVD's...and he waits for me to respond, calling him by the name of a male counterpart. "Hey Elsie???"..."Yes, Snowcat." or "Oh Sally???"..."Yes, Stickers." These are the sounds you'll hear in our house all day long. In addition to the sound of uncontrollable, tickled-little-boy laughter. The sound of kicking, screaming I-want-it-now tantrums. The sound of growling bear hugs and kisses before bed. Just the thought of him brings sighs of pride and tears of joy.
My other miracle doesn't speak, she's much softer in volume, but her presence is just as loud. She weighed less than a pound when she was born. Her tiny hand and footprints hang on the wall in the hallway of our home. We were given just hours to see her and hold her. But she's there, no matter where I go. Her name is known to people all over the world. She's introduced me to new friends and brought me closer to my family. Just the thought of her brings sighs of pride and tears of joy.
Today, on Zaya's birthday, I celebrate four jam-packed, amazing years of life for my superstar son. And today, on Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I remember and honor the brief seconds of life for my daughter Elena, the shining light.
To my two miracles...thank you. Mommy loves you.
My other miracle doesn't speak, she's much softer in volume, but her presence is just as loud. She weighed less than a pound when she was born. Her tiny hand and footprints hang on the wall in the hallway of our home. We were given just hours to see her and hold her. But she's there, no matter where I go. Her name is known to people all over the world. She's introduced me to new friends and brought me closer to my family. Just the thought of her brings sighs of pride and tears of joy.
Today, on Zaya's birthday, I celebrate four jam-packed, amazing years of life for my superstar son. And today, on Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I remember and honor the brief seconds of life for my daughter Elena, the shining light.
To my two miracles...thank you. Mommy loves you.
10.13.2008
8.10.2008
Day Seven Hundred Seventy
Very deep. Very true. Brings a lot of things to mind. I think I need to keep pondering this one for a bit...
8.01.2008
Day Seven Hundred Sixty-One
Six years ago today, I felt her. I felt for the first time my body telling me what a vulnerable state she was in. I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know what could happen. But I felt her in me and with me. She was there.
In the days that followed, I felt her. I felt for the first time my heart in heavy pieces that seemed they would be impossible to put back together. I didn't know how to go on without her. I didn't know if I could go on without her. But still I felt her in me and with me. She was there.
This morning, on the day she would have turned six years old, I feel her. I feel for the first time the love that she introduced me to, because it's bigger and touches me in different ways every day. I feel the indescribable mix of joy and pain that was having her and losing her all at once. I feel robbed of the giggles and smiles, the kisses on my cheek and the skinny arms wrapped tightly around my neck. I feel blessed by the overwhelming reach her life continues to have. I don't know who she would have been. I don't know who she could have been. But I know who she is. I feel her in me and with me.
She is here.
Happy Birthday, Elena. Your light still shines the brightest.
In the days that followed, I felt her. I felt for the first time my heart in heavy pieces that seemed they would be impossible to put back together. I didn't know how to go on without her. I didn't know if I could go on without her. But still I felt her in me and with me. She was there.
This morning, on the day she would have turned six years old, I feel her. I feel for the first time the love that she introduced me to, because it's bigger and touches me in different ways every day. I feel the indescribable mix of joy and pain that was having her and losing her all at once. I feel robbed of the giggles and smiles, the kisses on my cheek and the skinny arms wrapped tightly around my neck. I feel blessed by the overwhelming reach her life continues to have. I don't know who she would have been. I don't know who she could have been. But I know who she is. I feel her in me and with me.
She is here.
Happy Birthday, Elena. Your light still shines the brightest.
5.02.2008
Day Six Hundred Seventy
I'm feeling a little anxious about having exercised only one day this week. For once in my life I'm at this place where it's not for lack of motivation, just lack of time. I guess it's a good type of frustration (if there is such a thing)...most people don't suffer from "desire to exercise."
Took Z to an audition yesterday. And of course the kid who I normally can't keep from swinging on the ceiling fan and singing "Show Me What You Got Little Mama" at the top of his lungs was uncharacteristically shy and quiet in front of the people who want to pay him for acting crazy. Go figure.
While we were there, though, I was notably inspired by one of the little boys in Z's audition group. Most of the children in the room, including my own son, had apparently been too well trained by their parents to be polite and reserved in social situations. Each one would stand on the mark, state his name and age, and when asked to dance and get wild, would carefully shift his weight from one leg to the other with a half-smile, as if waiting for a disapproving remark from a nearby parent.
But there was one little boy with Down Syndrome who just lit up the room. He looked right into the camera, proudly said his name, and when the music started, he brought out some moves that had us all clapping and cheering. No inhibitions whatsoever, just pure joy. One minute he was jumping and clapping and spinning, the next he was on the floor breakdancing in a style all his own. Z and I watched with matching ear to ear grins and applauded loudly for this little boy who couldn't bring himself to stop dancing, even when the music had ended.
I left there a little jealous of that little boy. Wishing he could teach me how to let go like that. When I'm jogging on the bike path, or just walking through a crowded room...I need to remember him, put on that smile and enjoy each experience for me and only me.
Took Z to an audition yesterday. And of course the kid who I normally can't keep from swinging on the ceiling fan and singing "Show Me What You Got Little Mama" at the top of his lungs was uncharacteristically shy and quiet in front of the people who want to pay him for acting crazy. Go figure.
While we were there, though, I was notably inspired by one of the little boys in Z's audition group. Most of the children in the room, including my own son, had apparently been too well trained by their parents to be polite and reserved in social situations. Each one would stand on the mark, state his name and age, and when asked to dance and get wild, would carefully shift his weight from one leg to the other with a half-smile, as if waiting for a disapproving remark from a nearby parent.
But there was one little boy with Down Syndrome who just lit up the room. He looked right into the camera, proudly said his name, and when the music started, he brought out some moves that had us all clapping and cheering. No inhibitions whatsoever, just pure joy. One minute he was jumping and clapping and spinning, the next he was on the floor breakdancing in a style all his own. Z and I watched with matching ear to ear grins and applauded loudly for this little boy who couldn't bring himself to stop dancing, even when the music had ended.
I left there a little jealous of that little boy. Wishing he could teach me how to let go like that. When I'm jogging on the bike path, or just walking through a crowded room...I need to remember him, put on that smile and enjoy each experience for me and only me.
4.30.2008
Day Six Hundred Sixty-Eight
I developed a new appreciation for the treadmill yesterday. Typically I prefer to do my walking/jogging outdoors purely because the beach is nicer to look at. But I needed to fit in a quick exercise session between the ten thousand things I did yesterday, so the treadmill was the best answer.
My normal treadmill routine is a thirty minute program that goes up a pretty steep incline and includes jogging intermitently for a couple minutes at a time. This time, though, I elected to see how long I could maintain a five mph jogging pace. I surprised myself by keeping it up for twenty minutes. It might have something to do with the fact that when I'm on the bike path and feel like slowing down, there's no threat of injury or death. So the secret to the treadmill? The fear of missing a step and flying uncontrollably off the back end like something from America's Funniest Home Videos. Hey, whatever works, right?
Went to a networking mixer last night and had a great time. The event took place at Lawry's in Beverly Hills, famous for it's prime rib. Only my second time there and I was already hungry when we arrived. The wonderful aroma throughout the place didn't help. We were treated to a great assortment of hors d'hoeuvres and I was having such a good time that I didn't really notice not eating a complete meal. Though I'm sure I took in my share of points with the stuffed mushrooms and salmon topped potato pancakes. But this fell in line with my new goal of trying to eat the bigger meal at lunch time and less in the evening. That's been working out pretty well.
Off and running again today. The bright side to that is that I'll probably burn more calories running errands and lugging around a forty-five pound three-year-old than I would staying home and taking a nap.
My normal treadmill routine is a thirty minute program that goes up a pretty steep incline and includes jogging intermitently for a couple minutes at a time. This time, though, I elected to see how long I could maintain a five mph jogging pace. I surprised myself by keeping it up for twenty minutes. It might have something to do with the fact that when I'm on the bike path and feel like slowing down, there's no threat of injury or death. So the secret to the treadmill? The fear of missing a step and flying uncontrollably off the back end like something from America's Funniest Home Videos. Hey, whatever works, right?
Went to a networking mixer last night and had a great time. The event took place at Lawry's in Beverly Hills, famous for it's prime rib. Only my second time there and I was already hungry when we arrived. The wonderful aroma throughout the place didn't help. We were treated to a great assortment of hors d'hoeuvres and I was having such a good time that I didn't really notice not eating a complete meal. Though I'm sure I took in my share of points with the stuffed mushrooms and salmon topped potato pancakes. But this fell in line with my new goal of trying to eat the bigger meal at lunch time and less in the evening. That's been working out pretty well.
Off and running again today. The bright side to that is that I'll probably burn more calories running errands and lugging around a forty-five pound three-year-old than I would staying home and taking a nap.
4.28.2008
Day Six Hundred Sixty-Six
Remember when I used to blog daily??? Ahhh...good times, good times.
Those of you readers out there who have been faithful followers of my journey may recall that early on I said this would probably get messy.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to messy.
At the end of 2007, I had just reached my fifty pound weight loss, the chocolate-and-cookie-happy holiday season was over and I was looking forward to the New Year as a continuation of my success. I had decided to work towards reaching my goal weight by July 1st, as this will mark my two-year anniversary with WW. That meant I only had ten pounds to lose in six months...no problem!
Cut to January 1st - Jon, Z and I are celebrating the New Year with Jon's family. He gets a text message to grab his camera and head out at that moment on a project he knew virtually nothing about. Everything between then and now has been an exciting, frightening, wonderful, horrible, amazing and exhausting blur.
I'm well aware that I go through my daily routine under a fabulous illusion of control. Always got that to-do list in my back pocket and it comforts me somehow. But over the past few months, the wheels have been spinning in so many directions, I've not only misplaced the list, I can't even seem to locate the pants with the pocket it was in.
Long story short, Jon's had the opportunity to shoot behind-the-scenes footage on a film project, produce a documentary feature, and be introduced to a whole new pool of industry folk that are opening doors to exciting places. Because of the new developments in the film industry, I've stepped up my role with PlanetZaya and have taken on more of the marketing and general office responsibilities concerning weddings. Z has been out on a couple of auditions with another scheduled this week, and now proudly proclaims when asked if he has a job, "I'm a model." My "stable" part-time job that I originally took for the convenience factor is no longer stable nor convenient, so I'm on the hunt for employment. Not to mention that having all of these balls up in the air at the same time has made the normal roller coaster of marriage and parenting a challenge, to say the least.
At this point, you may be asking yourself, "What does this have to do with her weight?" EVERYTHING!!! Well, technically nothing. But since I'm the type of person who is more than prone to stress eating, I sorta took a flying leap off the wagon. I was still making good choices for meals, but doing a lot of snacking...taking in lots of sweets, making lots of excuses for myself. In just one month, I gained back eight of the pounds I had lost. So in the first four months of the year instead of losing those ten pounds I had planned on, I gained back fifteen.
About three weeks ago, when I saw the scale creep back to numbers that slapped me in the face, I knew it was time to get back on that wagon. A light switch flipped on in my head and I realized that I've been sabotaging myself, letting my thoughts and emotions get back to a place I never wanted to see again. While losing weight is definitely one of the hardest things for a person to do, I've already proven I can do it so there's no reason for me to take steps backward. I'm committed to reaching my goal, even if it's not by July 1st. I'm making me a priority, and not feeling guilty about it. And I'm toughening up so that when me being a little selfish poses a challenge for others in my life, I won't allow myself to jump into the back seat. I'm done apologizing for what I need. I'm the only one who can drive this car.
Today is a new day, every day is a fresh start. I'm leaving the house without the list and not feeling anxious about it. Heck, I may even leave without the pants! :)
Those of you readers out there who have been faithful followers of my journey may recall that early on I said this would probably get messy.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to messy.
At the end of 2007, I had just reached my fifty pound weight loss, the chocolate-and-cookie-happy holiday season was over and I was looking forward to the New Year as a continuation of my success. I had decided to work towards reaching my goal weight by July 1st, as this will mark my two-year anniversary with WW. That meant I only had ten pounds to lose in six months...no problem!
Cut to January 1st - Jon, Z and I are celebrating the New Year with Jon's family. He gets a text message to grab his camera and head out at that moment on a project he knew virtually nothing about. Everything between then and now has been an exciting, frightening, wonderful, horrible, amazing and exhausting blur.
I'm well aware that I go through my daily routine under a fabulous illusion of control. Always got that to-do list in my back pocket and it comforts me somehow. But over the past few months, the wheels have been spinning in so many directions, I've not only misplaced the list, I can't even seem to locate the pants with the pocket it was in.
Long story short, Jon's had the opportunity to shoot behind-the-scenes footage on a film project, produce a documentary feature, and be introduced to a whole new pool of industry folk that are opening doors to exciting places. Because of the new developments in the film industry, I've stepped up my role with PlanetZaya and have taken on more of the marketing and general office responsibilities concerning weddings. Z has been out on a couple of auditions with another scheduled this week, and now proudly proclaims when asked if he has a job, "I'm a model." My "stable" part-time job that I originally took for the convenience factor is no longer stable nor convenient, so I'm on the hunt for employment. Not to mention that having all of these balls up in the air at the same time has made the normal roller coaster of marriage and parenting a challenge, to say the least.
At this point, you may be asking yourself, "What does this have to do with her weight?" EVERYTHING!!! Well, technically nothing. But since I'm the type of person who is more than prone to stress eating, I sorta took a flying leap off the wagon. I was still making good choices for meals, but doing a lot of snacking...taking in lots of sweets, making lots of excuses for myself. In just one month, I gained back eight of the pounds I had lost. So in the first four months of the year instead of losing those ten pounds I had planned on, I gained back fifteen.
About three weeks ago, when I saw the scale creep back to numbers that slapped me in the face, I knew it was time to get back on that wagon. A light switch flipped on in my head and I realized that I've been sabotaging myself, letting my thoughts and emotions get back to a place I never wanted to see again. While losing weight is definitely one of the hardest things for a person to do, I've already proven I can do it so there's no reason for me to take steps backward. I'm committed to reaching my goal, even if it's not by July 1st. I'm making me a priority, and not feeling guilty about it. And I'm toughening up so that when me being a little selfish poses a challenge for others in my life, I won't allow myself to jump into the back seat. I'm done apologizing for what I need. I'm the only one who can drive this car.
Today is a new day, every day is a fresh start. I'm leaving the house without the list and not feeling anxious about it. Heck, I may even leave without the pants! :)
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