Something's in the air

Welcome to the eve of change. Ten hours from now I will be starting a new journey, one that has been a long time coming. Recent personal challenges and victories may have "tipped the scales," so to speak, but the decision, my CHOICE, to change behaviors and make this commitment is a culmination of all my past experiences. Tomorrow I become proactive and take a step toward nurturing my body and mind in a much needed way.

All that to say, I'm starting Weight Watchers. My intention for this blog, however, is much more than just a weight loss journal. For me this decision is about more than pounds, more than food, more than exercise. It's about finally facing my fear of looking in the mirror and seeing who I really am, inside and out.

Part of me feels like this whole thing is cliche. I can very much relate to all the women you've seen on Oprah or Dr. Phil. Yes, food is comforting to me. I've done the secret eating routine. I've been known to sneak a snack. I understand the whole "food feeds the emptiness in my heart" thing. But I don't want this experience to be an episode of "The Swan." There has to be more to it than just "look at her, she's fat," and then next thing you know, "wow, look, she's skinny!"

I'm already feeling a huge impact, just from making the decision to get started. I'm not afraid anymore to be honest. So listen up, HEY! I'M FAT! I'm astonished that it can actually feel good to admit that, after spending basically my entire thirty years of life avoiding the topic of weight. Being fat for the majority of my life has been isolating, depressing and it's dictated way too much of who I am and what I've done. I'm really freaking tired of feeling this way.

I am under no false pretenses. I know this is going to be hard, probably one of the hardest things I'll ever do. What's scary is that the physical weight loss will probably be much easier than losing the emotional baggage. If you were to ask anyone in my family, my immediate circle of friends, or even people I went to elementary school with, they'd say, "that Carrie, she's always the joker. Loves to make people smile, always laughing." And that is part of my true personality. But it has also served as a handy tool that I could always rely on to disguise how I perceive myself.

Warning: This is about to get messy. Following are some of my own frighteningly true perceptions. Maybe not truth in reality, but truth in my eyes and in my heart.

1. I hate my body. I've spent most of my life avoiding mirrors and wishing I looked like somebody else.
2. To this day, shopping for clothes is an absolute sweat-inducing anxiety ridden experience.
3. My husband tells me I'm gorgeous, but I don't believe that I am. I don't question at all that he loves me, I just don't understand how he can see me as beautiful.
   
4. I sometimes think others in my circle feel bad that I'm the fat girl. And shamefully, that thought leads to, "they'd love me more if I were skinny."
5. I've tried to diet before, or at least get started. But that little voice in the back of my head always told me I'd fail so why even bother.
6. I've never really "come into my own" as a woman. Y'know, when you're in junior high and you realize that boys are looking at you? As my husband says, it's when a woman realizes the power she has. I've NEVER known that feeling and have yet to obtain that power.

These are perceptions that I hope will change over the coming months. I'm looking forward to seeing who I am underneath the fat suit. I'm excited about the challenge and the work. But all the days won't be good ones, so I'll come back here to process, to reflect, to accept.

Welcome to the eve of change. It's about time.