Bear with me, everything's been up in the air lately and nothing has quite settled yet. This includes my weight. At this point, I have no idea how much I weigh and I almost don't even remember what I've eaten in the past three days. But I can tell you I've had my share of no-no's. What would a party weekend be without plenty of those?
I actually missed my WW weigh in and meeting on Saturday, but got in some exercise for the body and nourishment for the soul. Jon, Z and I headed out to Irvine to participate in the OC Walk To Remember, in honor of our Elena. It was an inspiration to meet the two moms who started and coordinated this annual event. Before the walk all attendees gathered for a remembrance ceremony, including a reading of the names of the babies we were walking for. I surprised myself by getting emotional during the balloon release. I guess after four years, it's still difficult for me to witness anything symbolizing letting my Elena go, even though she's already gone.
Immediately after the ceremony, we began the 5K walk, taking 5,278 brisk steps to the finish line. It was incredibly hot, which usually slows me down, but I took this as an opportunity for some productive exercise and maintained my speed. It was without a doubt an energizing and refreshing way to start the weekend. And even more meaningful to do something personal for Elena. We spend the whole year running the Fund and organizing events of our own in October, but as an organizer you never get to experience the full impact. This day was just for us, just for me to pause and reflect. It was exactly what I needed.
To maintain fairness, the rest of the weekend was devoted to Z, my now two-year-old prince. Sunday we gathered with family and friends for his birthday party. As usual there were some stress factors involved getting everything together. What kind of party would it be without stress, right? But the outcome was amazing. There was more love in that room than I can even comprehend. Who are we to be that fortunate? It overwhelms me every time I think about it.
So needless to say, it was a great weekend. I didn't count points because I was too busy counting the blessings. We were still polishing off party leftovers today, so I'm sure the point count isn't too pretty still. But tomorrow I'm back on track. Need to get focused again, want to get back to basics. Am looking forward to the treadmill tomorrow night and have been thinking about how to fit in some trips to the gym. Maybe after this season, who knows. The important thing is that through the challenges I haven't given up on myself, which used to be so easy for me to do. One wrong move or a slip off the scale was enough to send me packing. But not anymore. I've come too far, had too much support and seen too many glimpses of my true self to let that happen.
10.23.2006
10.18.2006
Day One Hundred Nine
Y'think I would have figured it out by now, but I'm discovering that counting points after the fact is not such a great idea. Good intentions are wonderful things, but intentions don't help you lose pounds. We were at Islands today, which I love, and I thought I was being pretty good. Ordered some chicken tacos and thought to myself, "These can't be worth that many points, so I get to have cheddar fries, too!" Cut to me at my computer, checking points values on the WW site...22 points for the tacos. Did I mention that I only get 24 points a day? And...scene.
It's another busy week, Z's party is on Sunday. My little man is two years old. Everything just sweeps by so fast. And when you stop for a glance at a photo or some other reminder, it can be overwhelming...in a good way. Been talking to J about the fact that he was a preemie baby 30 years ago. Found out his mom went into pre-term labor at about 29 weeks and he weighed 2lbs. 9oz at birth. How do you wrap your mind around that? Seems almost impossible for a baby of that size to survive after multiple blood transfusions, surgery and several other life-preserving procedures. If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is. Looking forward to celebrating the miracle that is life with J and all our family and friends this weekend. Reminds me how monumental every birthday is. Correction...how monumental every DAY is.
It's another busy week, Z's party is on Sunday. My little man is two years old. Everything just sweeps by so fast. And when you stop for a glance at a photo or some other reminder, it can be overwhelming...in a good way. Been talking to J about the fact that he was a preemie baby 30 years ago. Found out his mom went into pre-term labor at about 29 weeks and he weighed 2lbs. 9oz at birth. How do you wrap your mind around that? Seems almost impossible for a baby of that size to survive after multiple blood transfusions, surgery and several other life-preserving procedures. If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is. Looking forward to celebrating the miracle that is life with J and all our family and friends this weekend. Reminds me how monumental every birthday is. Correction...how monumental every DAY is.
10.15.2006
Day One Hundred Six: Jam-Packed Weekend Edition
Pretty hard to put a weekend like this into words. Some monumental things happened. Let's start with weight loss. Weigh in day was really good. I was down another 1.8 lbs. for a total of 36.2 lbs. I'm currently at 177.2. When Jim handed me my seventh little red bookmark that morning, he said simply, "It's been 15 weeks. Talk to us." So I said some of the same things I usually say. I love the program, I have tremendous support, I feel better than ever. I also told him that the motivation to continue forward comes from what's already been accomplished in the past. Thirty-six. "I don't ever want to go back to the way I was. And I know I don't have to." On the inside, or the outside.
Later that same day came all the busy-ness in preparation for the PTL candlelight service. This year did not involve any chaos, surprisingly. Last year involved nothing but chaos, but apparently we've worked out a lot of the bugs. The whole day was beyond what I can detail here. The people who were meant to be there were there. Everything looked beautiful, everyone who came was really touched. But as always in my life, what stood out were the people. The individuals who believe, who gave of themselves to help and to experience. The time, caring and dedication. The overwhelming love I saw on every face and felt in every hug.
Experiences like this often make me wonder how I was chosen for such a time as this. Why was I picked to give birth to such a small but miraculous being? How was I entrusted with her legacy? And how can any one person be so blessed as to be surrounded on all sides by such indescribable love? Sure I have as many bad days as the next guy, but I find it hard to be anything but thankful everyday. In my silly interactions with A and G at work. In my serious conversations with J, finding out how we've both changed during the (too many) years that we didn't talk. In my daily correspondence with moms who are suffering inside. In the giggles and tickles with Z on our big bed. In the spontaneous adventures and quiet moments with Jon. It's all a part of me, it's who I am. I never want to take that for granted.
On a very vain note, the weight loss was extremely noticeable, especially to many of those I hadn't seen since last year. I was really happy with the way my suit looked. And in watching some of the video footage from the night of the service, I can't believe the difference. It's almost like I'm looking at someone else. I was telling J recently that it's horrible but when I see this year's footage compared to last years, I can't help but think, "Why did Fox news have to come out to film during the fat year?" That's just the selfish me talking. (I've gotta throw thoughts like that in there so that you know I'm equal parts deep thinker and silly, frivolous knucklehead - like everyone else).
For those who were there, thank you for working and sharing. For those who weren't, thank you for praying and encouraging. You know who you are to me, and I love you.
Later that same day came all the busy-ness in preparation for the PTL candlelight service. This year did not involve any chaos, surprisingly. Last year involved nothing but chaos, but apparently we've worked out a lot of the bugs. The whole day was beyond what I can detail here. The people who were meant to be there were there. Everything looked beautiful, everyone who came was really touched. But as always in my life, what stood out were the people. The individuals who believe, who gave of themselves to help and to experience. The time, caring and dedication. The overwhelming love I saw on every face and felt in every hug.
Experiences like this often make me wonder how I was chosen for such a time as this. Why was I picked to give birth to such a small but miraculous being? How was I entrusted with her legacy? And how can any one person be so blessed as to be surrounded on all sides by such indescribable love? Sure I have as many bad days as the next guy, but I find it hard to be anything but thankful everyday. In my silly interactions with A and G at work. In my serious conversations with J, finding out how we've both changed during the (too many) years that we didn't talk. In my daily correspondence with moms who are suffering inside. In the giggles and tickles with Z on our big bed. In the spontaneous adventures and quiet moments with Jon. It's all a part of me, it's who I am. I never want to take that for granted.
On a very vain note, the weight loss was extremely noticeable, especially to many of those I hadn't seen since last year. I was really happy with the way my suit looked. And in watching some of the video footage from the night of the service, I can't believe the difference. It's almost like I'm looking at someone else. I was telling J recently that it's horrible but when I see this year's footage compared to last years, I can't help but think, "Why did Fox news have to come out to film during the fat year?" That's just the selfish me talking. (I've gotta throw thoughts like that in there so that you know I'm equal parts deep thinker and silly, frivolous knucklehead - like everyone else).
For those who were there, thank you for working and sharing. For those who weren't, thank you for praying and encouraging. You know who you are to me, and I love you.
10.12.2006
Happiness is...
...buying a pair of size 12 pants that FIT! Nothing spilling over the top or busting out the seams.
It's been a good day so far. Can you tell? :-D
It's been a good day so far. Can you tell? :-D
10.11.2006
Day One Hundred Two
Here's a dilemma I've been dreaming about and never thought I'd have. Went shopping today to try and find something to wear to the service on Saturday. Thought it would just be another quick trip to the fat lady store. Lane Bryant, my favorite store, have shopped there for everything I've worn over the past ten years, at least. Just looking for a dress or a nice top I could wear with my one pair of black pants that actually fit at the moment. Tried on at least six tops/sweaters and a skirt, all size 14. Too baggy...all of it! That's never happened before. Every time I put something on I was thinking, "It must be an odd cut or something." But after six I figured, maybe I'm just not that big anymore.
Then it hit me that I couldn't just go get a smaller size because...that's the smallest size they carry! Which meant...I had to go elsewhere. Here's where the dilemma came in. I'm completely unfamiliar with any other store, including department stores. Have always overlooked them because there was no point in trying. So I check out Macy's and a couple of shops along our walking route. Felt completely lost. Clothing in Macy's is divided up by designer. What sense does that make!?!? Not to mention that size 14 at the fat lady store is different than size 14 at a department store. So do I go back up to 16? And what the heck is the difference between 16 and 16W?
Total confusion. Needless to say, left with nothing. Well, that's not true. Nothing but a great big smile on my face!
Then it hit me that I couldn't just go get a smaller size because...that's the smallest size they carry! Which meant...I had to go elsewhere. Here's where the dilemma came in. I'm completely unfamiliar with any other store, including department stores. Have always overlooked them because there was no point in trying. So I check out Macy's and a couple of shops along our walking route. Felt completely lost. Clothing in Macy's is divided up by designer. What sense does that make!?!? Not to mention that size 14 at the fat lady store is different than size 14 at a department store. So do I go back up to 16? And what the heck is the difference between 16 and 16W?
Total confusion. Needless to say, left with nothing. Well, that's not true. Nothing but a great big smile on my face!
10.09.2006
Day One Hundred
Got whistled at today while walking from my car into the post office. Really wasn't all that it's cracked up to be. It's never happened before, so it sorta took me off guard. Not sure what I expected, but whatever it was, that wasn't it. Maybe because I realized, why the heck do I care about what some dirty guy in an old Ford Escort thinks about my looks?
Was a good day. Preparations are in full swing for Saturday's Pass the Light service (Not gonna go into the full explanation here, so if you're curious, check this out). Plenty to do and never enough time to do it, but I think we're ahead of last year's schedule. Hung out with J and Jr. as well, so Zaya was thrilled, naturally. He thinks everyone lives to be his friend. Oh, to be two years old again.
A actually called me skinny today. She's pretty adamant that I buy some new pants, and who can blame her. It's starting to get ridiculous. Sometimes when I go to work I look like a little girl playing dress up in her mommy's clothes. Yeah, that bad.
Shout out to A2 who had a good points day. It's a great feeling when you've reached the end of the day and realize you managed to avoid snacking yourself out of 10 extra weekly points. Treat days are good too, but it's nice to make a habit of coloring within the lines. The lines are our friends.
Was a good day. Preparations are in full swing for Saturday's Pass the Light service (Not gonna go into the full explanation here, so if you're curious, check this out). Plenty to do and never enough time to do it, but I think we're ahead of last year's schedule. Hung out with J and Jr. as well, so Zaya was thrilled, naturally. He thinks everyone lives to be his friend. Oh, to be two years old again.
A actually called me skinny today. She's pretty adamant that I buy some new pants, and who can blame her. It's starting to get ridiculous. Sometimes when I go to work I look like a little girl playing dress up in her mommy's clothes. Yeah, that bad.
Shout out to A2 who had a good points day. It's a great feeling when you've reached the end of the day and realize you managed to avoid snacking yourself out of 10 extra weekly points. Treat days are good too, but it's nice to make a habit of coloring within the lines. The lines are our friends.
10.08.2006
Day Ninety-Nine
Before starting WW, 99 days felt like SUCH a long time. Tonight I sit here wondering how 99 days got past me without me noticing. So far, this journey has far exceeded my expectations, so I'm definitely committed to the next 99 days.
Did my three miles on the treadmill in 49.22 minutes. I'm glad that I've acquired a love for the treadmill. It's a totally different love than that for the outdoor walks, but it's a necessary love. Oh, and I had a King's Hawaiian Chinese Chicken Salad for dinner...a very tasty treat. Sure I would rather have ordered something that came with a heaping scoop of potato/mac salad, but the salad was a pleasant surprise.
I was sharing a story with J recently that I'm just now realizing really belongs here. A few years ago, Jon and I were applying for health insurance. Something I'd done before and figured, despite the hassle of endless forms, wasn't really that big of a deal. I'd always been healthy (or so I thought), no major medical problems or incidents. So imagine my surprise when we receive our rejection letter in the mail. And imaging the complete shock and awe on my face when I read the reason, which was of course, directly related to me: "medical obesity."
OBESE?!?! I had thought that word was reserved for people who were at least 400 lbs. and homebound. I mean, I was never deluded enough to think I was skinny, but obese? That just seemed so harsh. Not only that, my obesity was preventing myself and my husband from having access to health care. Talk about feeling guilty. I cried for twenty minutes after reading the letter a dozen times. And then I hung my head in shame for about a week.
I've said before that one of my favorite things about WW is getting educated. And that's what I needed. Sulking around and feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to ever take any weight off. Since being on the program, I'm able to approach weight loss from a much more scientific standpoint. I understand now what medical obesity really is (though I still despise that word). I know a lot more about the foods I was allowing into my body and the difference that healthy choices can make. I have a new love/hate relationship with exercise, which has replaced the hate/hate one. I've learned so much.
Yes, 99 days. You'd be amazed what can happen.
Did my three miles on the treadmill in 49.22 minutes. I'm glad that I've acquired a love for the treadmill. It's a totally different love than that for the outdoor walks, but it's a necessary love. Oh, and I had a King's Hawaiian Chinese Chicken Salad for dinner...a very tasty treat. Sure I would rather have ordered something that came with a heaping scoop of potato/mac salad, but the salad was a pleasant surprise.
I was sharing a story with J recently that I'm just now realizing really belongs here. A few years ago, Jon and I were applying for health insurance. Something I'd done before and figured, despite the hassle of endless forms, wasn't really that big of a deal. I'd always been healthy (or so I thought), no major medical problems or incidents. So imagine my surprise when we receive our rejection letter in the mail. And imaging the complete shock and awe on my face when I read the reason, which was of course, directly related to me: "medical obesity."
OBESE?!?! I had thought that word was reserved for people who were at least 400 lbs. and homebound. I mean, I was never deluded enough to think I was skinny, but obese? That just seemed so harsh. Not only that, my obesity was preventing myself and my husband from having access to health care. Talk about feeling guilty. I cried for twenty minutes after reading the letter a dozen times. And then I hung my head in shame for about a week.
I've said before that one of my favorite things about WW is getting educated. And that's what I needed. Sulking around and feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to ever take any weight off. Since being on the program, I'm able to approach weight loss from a much more scientific standpoint. I understand now what medical obesity really is (though I still despise that word). I know a lot more about the foods I was allowing into my body and the difference that healthy choices can make. I have a new love/hate relationship with exercise, which has replaced the hate/hate one. I've learned so much.
Yes, 99 days. You'd be amazed what can happen.
10.07.2006
Day 98: Weigh In
Went for a quick weigh in today and couldn't stay for the meeting because I had to get back home to prep for the SLF board meeting. But I would sure like to start more days like this. When I stepped on the scale, our leader Jim looked up at me with a huge smile and said, "you amaze me." I'm down 2.6 lbs. this week for a total loss of 34.4 lbs. This puts my current weight at 179. YES! I SAID 179!! This is so huge for me. I mean there are lots of miletones along the way, but being in the 170's, I was floored.
On the drive home, the tears came. Didn't know where they were coming from, but there they were. Obviously, happy tears. Happy because I finally believe in myself, because I've reached a point that seemed unattainable to me for so long. Mama makes fun of me that I put on my little shocked face whenever I lose at weigh ins, but it's absolutely sincere. I'm still shocked. Part of me is waiting for the day that I wake up and find out this was all a dream. In my head, I stil weigh 213 lbs. And that's where the struggle lies, in my mind. Not in my physical body.
We're making a change in our walking routine. Since the seasons have changed, it's pretty cool at the beach early in the morning and late evening. So we've decided to use the treadmill at Jon's parents more often. Starting tomorrow, we'll switch to Sunday and Tuesday nights on the treadmill and then maybe try to get in another day at the park or something. I just have to maintain momentum. I have to stay on track because the last thing I want is to allow myself to go backwards.
I have a new WW buddy, A2. I find it so ironic that here I spent all these years hiding my body and avoiding conversation about weight out of embarrassment, yet in the past 15 weeks I've made some incredible connections and built strong bonds because I've allowed myself to be honest about...myself. I don't regret the lost time because that was all necessary learning experience. I'm just thankful that I am here now, and the road ahead is wide open.
On the drive home, the tears came. Didn't know where they were coming from, but there they were. Obviously, happy tears. Happy because I finally believe in myself, because I've reached a point that seemed unattainable to me for so long. Mama makes fun of me that I put on my little shocked face whenever I lose at weigh ins, but it's absolutely sincere. I'm still shocked. Part of me is waiting for the day that I wake up and find out this was all a dream. In my head, I stil weigh 213 lbs. And that's where the struggle lies, in my mind. Not in my physical body.
We're making a change in our walking routine. Since the seasons have changed, it's pretty cool at the beach early in the morning and late evening. So we've decided to use the treadmill at Jon's parents more often. Starting tomorrow, we'll switch to Sunday and Tuesday nights on the treadmill and then maybe try to get in another day at the park or something. I just have to maintain momentum. I have to stay on track because the last thing I want is to allow myself to go backwards.
I have a new WW buddy, A2. I find it so ironic that here I spent all these years hiding my body and avoiding conversation about weight out of embarrassment, yet in the past 15 weeks I've made some incredible connections and built strong bonds because I've allowed myself to be honest about...myself. I don't regret the lost time because that was all necessary learning experience. I'm just thankful that I am here now, and the road ahead is wide open.
10.03.2006
Day Ninety-Four: This One's For You
Just came back from the power walk. Tonight's walk was split right down the middle. During the first half, I was still feeling fat. I kept touching my stomach as if the 31.8 lbs. had reappeared and played a trick on me. Like they were back from vacation. I was frustrated with my stomach, imagining that I'll continue to lose weight but it will remain in place. Was having a lot of illogical thoughts.
When I got to the end of the bike path and turned around, it struck me that these exercise sessions are way less emotional than they used to be. I started out the summer literally crying as I walked, listening to the waves, thinking about all the feelings that were tied to my weight. Wondering how I had gotten to that point. But I really enjoy the walk now, get energized, live in the present. And I realized that I owe much of the transformation of my thoughts to you.
Yes, you. This blog is dedicated to you, the readers. The ones who've lined my path with smiles and hugs and congratulations. Those of you who leave me comments and those who lurk in the shadows. You've sent me cards and e-mails, called me on the phone, sent me exercise and diet tips. You've listened to me babble on about WW meetings and feeling fat. And through it all you've helped change my perspective on myself. You've embraced me, the real me, and made me feel like a regular person. Like I'm not a lesser than. I never knew that I could make it this far. And with your support I know I can make it all the way.
So take a bow, it's your moment in the spotlight. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You'll never really know how much a part of me you are.
When I got to the end of the bike path and turned around, it struck me that these exercise sessions are way less emotional than they used to be. I started out the summer literally crying as I walked, listening to the waves, thinking about all the feelings that were tied to my weight. Wondering how I had gotten to that point. But I really enjoy the walk now, get energized, live in the present. And I realized that I owe much of the transformation of my thoughts to you.
Yes, you. This blog is dedicated to you, the readers. The ones who've lined my path with smiles and hugs and congratulations. Those of you who leave me comments and those who lurk in the shadows. You've sent me cards and e-mails, called me on the phone, sent me exercise and diet tips. You've listened to me babble on about WW meetings and feeling fat. And through it all you've helped change my perspective on myself. You've embraced me, the real me, and made me feel like a regular person. Like I'm not a lesser than. I never knew that I could make it this far. And with your support I know I can make it all the way.
So take a bow, it's your moment in the spotlight. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You'll never really know how much a part of me you are.
10.02.2006
Day Ninety-Three
Yes, it's really day 93. You're just gonna have to trust me on this one. As much as I'd like to backtrack and fill you in on days 90-92, it's not possible at the moment. Frankly, I can't even remember. So we'll cover the highlights.
Saturday was Weigh-In day. I went down one pound last week for a total loss so far of 31.8 lbs. I'm down to 181.6. Never thought I'd see the day. These days I'm allowing myself more treats and using more of my weekly allowance points. I'm more accepting of the "long haul" concept now. And of the fact that the rate of loss will slow down a bit. That's all part of it. I used to give up on the thought of ever losing weight because I was discouraged that it wouldn't happen quickly enough. But what sense does it make to not try at all? It's taken me awhile to come to that realization.
I'm also finding comfort in sharing my experiences with people around me that are also making choices to be healthy. Jon is right on track, down about 16 lbs. My friend J is working out and losing weight. I just talked with my cousin in Massachusetts yesterday and she was mentioning losing 10 pounds just because she actually reads the nutrition facts on foods at the market now.
Exercise has been a little haphazard recently because of changing schedules. Last night we went for dinner at the parents house and as we were leaving Jon said, "Are you gonna use the treadmill?" And I very vehemently said, "No." Because I didn't feel like it. But after eating and watching him work out, I felt sorta disgusted with myself. I mean I had the time and opportunity right there, why not take it? So I did. Ended up walking 3 miles in 50 minutes and felt really great afterwards.
Every day is something new. Sometimes encouraging, sometimes discouraging, but always learning.
Saturday was Weigh-In day. I went down one pound last week for a total loss so far of 31.8 lbs. I'm down to 181.6. Never thought I'd see the day. These days I'm allowing myself more treats and using more of my weekly allowance points. I'm more accepting of the "long haul" concept now. And of the fact that the rate of loss will slow down a bit. That's all part of it. I used to give up on the thought of ever losing weight because I was discouraged that it wouldn't happen quickly enough. But what sense does it make to not try at all? It's taken me awhile to come to that realization.
I'm also finding comfort in sharing my experiences with people around me that are also making choices to be healthy. Jon is right on track, down about 16 lbs. My friend J is working out and losing weight. I just talked with my cousin in Massachusetts yesterday and she was mentioning losing 10 pounds just because she actually reads the nutrition facts on foods at the market now.
Exercise has been a little haphazard recently because of changing schedules. Last night we went for dinner at the parents house and as we were leaving Jon said, "Are you gonna use the treadmill?" And I very vehemently said, "No." Because I didn't feel like it. But after eating and watching him work out, I felt sorta disgusted with myself. I mean I had the time and opportunity right there, why not take it? So I did. Ended up walking 3 miles in 50 minutes and felt really great afterwards.
Every day is something new. Sometimes encouraging, sometimes discouraging, but always learning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
