Day Thirty-One

Jon and I made good choices regarding use of points today. Decided we wanted the taste of a real cheese quesadilla with chicken, so we used a few more points than usual for lunch. Then went lighter on dinner with these great chicken fajitas from Trader Joe's. Both meals were very tasty and balanced each other out nicely. I had heavy snack cravings today. Not like when I'm frustrated and want to eat anything in my path. It was a very specific desire for snack-type food. That's when the sugar-free pudding cups come to the rescue. And the fat-free caramel corn (Trader Joe's again!). It's all in the choices.

I have failed to mention thus far how much harder balancing points can be for Jon sometimes. Because his starting weight was lower than mine, he only gets 20 points per day, while I get 26. It's tough to fit three meals into 20 points. But he really weighs out options and, again, makes good choices. He's doing a fantastic job for himself, in addition to being a vital support for me.

I'm noticing a real shift in my thinking, both with my weight and other areas of my life. For example, today I spent some concentrated time cleaning the kitchen. I only cleaned a portion of it, which would have bothered my mind tremendously in the past. I've always been one of those "finish what you start" people, to the extreme. I want it all done right now. But today I told myself ahead of time that I would clean one part of the kitchen and work on the rest a little at a time throughout the week. And I was ok with that. Really content. That's a new feeling for me.

I mention this because that's how I'm feeling about WW. While I would love to magically wake up one day and be thin, I'm appreciating the journey so much. I'm learning how to be thankful for how far I've come, as opposed to being discouraged by how far I have yet to go. Baby steps, one by one.

Tomorrow begins my second month on the program. It's also my baby girl's birthday. Elena would be four years old tomorrow, if she were still here. I miss her so much I could scream. And sometimes I do. But I'm so proud of her. And my heart knows that she's proud of her Mommy, too. The wonderful part is that Mommy is now proud of Mommy as well, and I think that makes her smile from her precious spot in heaven.

Day Thirty

Thirty days, is that what I said? Man, that alone feels like a huge accomplishment. I was just talking with the fam tonight about how I keep thinking, "Next month I want to lose more pounds than I did this month." But then I remember that even at this point, this is the most I've lost, EVER! Yes, in my life. Feeling pretty good about that.

Started off the new week with dinner at Jon's parents. Our dinners used to be Thursday nights, but we switched it up to keep a consistent walking schedule. Had great barbecue chicken, some new whole wheat tortillas, fresh salsa and salad. Mama topped it off with a freshly baked low-cal cake from a WW recipe book. It tasted pretty darn good! I ate three (small) pieces and didn't have to feel guilty at all because they were less than two points per piece. And it fit the bill for a chocolate craving.

The fact is, WW's Flex Plan involves some pretty good eating. The key is in the accountability, not the food. That's what I love. Sure, I can't go eat a box of donuts or hit up Taco Bell twice a week, but I am finding good substitutions with TASTE. What a concept! And I'm feeling so comfortable sharing with others about the program that I'm enlisting helpers to find new treats. I've asked my neighbor, who loves to bake, to find a good low cal and possibly sugar free cookie recipe. It's fun to think of new stuff like that.

Oh, I tried on three old pairs of jeans today. Pulled them out of a bag of stuff I had ready to donate to the Salvation Army. They all fit great! So needless to say, they came out of the bag and back into the closet. At least for the time being. When they get a little too roomy, they can go back in the bag. :-)

Day 29: Weigh In

All is not lost, the sweaty weather did not do me in as I had expected. As of today's weigh in, I've lost 11lbs. 4oz., down 1lb. 8oz. from last week. The topic of discussion at the WW meeting was losing weight alone vs. having the support of others. Pretty appropriate because I had just been thinking this morning that I feel like a welcome member of our local group. For me, my weight has always been a very private and personal part of my life. But coming into this group breaks down a lot of walls and encourages quick bonding because others are sharing their private battles, too.

I also came away from today's meeting with a new appreciation for how unique each person's weight loss journey is. We tend to think that what works for someone else can't possibly work for us, because we're "different." And in some cases it's true, not all weight loss methods work for every person. But the fact is, if you're eating healthier and getting active, your body is bound to respond in some way. You won't lose 60 pound in one week, but there will be some change. It's basic cause and effect. The smaller details like how often and what type of exercise to do, or favorite snacks and frequency of splurges, those are the things that are tailored to the individual. But they can all live happily within the WW program.

We also talked today about celebrating the small milestones along the way. One of the women used this great metaphor of a marathon runner who depends on water bearers along the road for refreshment. She said the runner doesn't just go from start to finish with no in-between. They receive encouragement and confirmation of how far they've come all along the way. I used to think it would be a sign of weakness for me to join a weight loss program to do something that I should be able to do "on my own." But those resources are simply the refreshment I need to keep me going.

Day Twenty-Eight

I've never been more glad that it's Friday. Very much looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in and meeting. But I'm also ready to start a new week, hopefully one that doesn't feel so sticky. My mind is still convinced that I gained weight, but my stats are pretty good. Finished off the week earning 12 activity points for my 3 weekly one hour walks and 22 of my 35 weekly allowance points went unused. That's not so bad. We shall soon see.

WW has become a very natural part of my life now. I find myself sharing very easily about the program with others and opening up about my weight "issues" a bit more. It's a welcome change to be honest about who I am. And I'm finding that honesty from myself breeds honesty in others, whether it's about weight or any other little thing that bothers folks. Talking about WW makes me human, lets others get to know me in a new way. And I like that.

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday is that I had my first glimpse of a change in my face. Not to my double-chin, unfortunately, but the shape of my face, around the cheek area. It's very subtle, many may not notice it, but I think it's the beginning view of things to come.

I have to say how proud I am of Jon as well. He's discovering more about his goals for himself, physically and otherwise. He's brought his exercise regimen down to three times weekly instead of four or five, just to see how his body responds to the rest in between. And for starting out the week with a heavy points meal for his dad's birthday, he finished off the week with a couple points to spare. Nicely done. His commitment is inspiring and encouraging to me.

So I'll see the gals in the morning and hope for good news.

Day Twenty-Seven

Here's a day I'd like to just start all over again from scratch, see if I can make it any better. Not the best, to say the least. For starters, this weather is really irritating me. The heat is one thing, but the humidity is killing me. It makes me feel sticky and fat and gross and totally unmotivated to do anything. I don't mind sweating when I'm working out, but when you're just sitting still it's like a waste of sweat.

And I'm guessing it was the heat that got to Isaiah too because he was on Super Naughty Mode today. Nothing was making him happy except for the brief time we went to water the neighbor's plants, but that ended all too soon for him. I don't think he's ever cried so much in one day before. Which just made me sweat even more. Basically I was feeling disgusting and irritable for most of the day. And again I experienced the desire to eat everything in sight. Apparently it's frustration that does it to me. Of course, I didn't act on it. I stayed within my points like a good girl. But man, I wanted to down a whole box of mini-cakes like nobody's business.

Consequently, when it came time for our beach walk, I was still horribly unmotivated. I had no desire to go down there because I knew what the air would feel like. And I really wanted to quit with every step. I had to say to myself over and over again, "You can do this. Don't lose pace. You can do this." The first leg I wasn't up to my normal speed. Second leg was probably the fastest I've done yet. But still I just wanted the whole thing to be overwith. They can't all be winners. I'm just thankful I stuck it out because I know that's the important part. When I committed to this I accepted that it wouldn't be easy.

Maybe it's water retention from the heat, I don't know. But I'm afraid that I'm going to weigh in on Saturday and find that I've gained back my 9 plus pounds, and then some. I know this probably isn't logical, but it's there.

Blech...let's hope tomorrow's better. Or at least dryer.

Day Twenty-Six

I ate seven of my extra weekly points today and enjoyed some homemade steak quesadillas that Jon made...it was worth it. The good news is that I hadn't used any extras until today so I should be in the clear.

Now that we've sorta figured this WW thing out, it's kinda nice to go shopping and have an idea of what foods are worth spending points on and which ones aren't. We took a trip to Trader Joe's today. You can't beat the prices and I don't think I've ever had anything from there that I didn't like. A few weeks ago, this trip would have involved me pulling out the points calculator and pouring over endless panels of nutrition facts. But at this point, I'm able to tell with a quick glance which foods I should even pick up to check. And when I do look at fat content and calories I can kinda figure out what the points values will be. Obviously I don't go near enough to the Double Chocolate Torte to even touch the box or see the picture. It's sorta common sense.

People at work are noticing at least some kind of change. It's nice because everyone's so happy for me. They say, "It must feel great." And it does. I still wonder if the next weigh in will hold any surprises. But Mama says that for her, even after almost a year and a half, she still wonders too. So I guess I may just have to get used to that.

I've made it to a point where I'm not always inclined to turn away from the mirror. That's sort of big for me. Don't get me wrong, I still have some moments when I'm disgusted with myself. But the better moments are starting to outweigh the worse ones. Each day that I'm on the program gives me a little bit more confidence. Not only that I'll make it to my goal weight but just confidence in general, in who I am and what I'm capable of.

Tomorrow is exercise day and I can't wait. (It is still WAY WEIRD to say that and really mean it).

Day Twenty-Five

This morning, I was getting dressed for work and had to start pulling out old clothes that I haven't worn in a long time. Things that I had shrunk in the dryer, they fit now! It's such a weird feeling to wear loose fitting pants rather than ones I squeezed myself into. I've been a size 18 for as long as I can remember. Now I'm not sure what size I am. The exciting thing is thinking about what size I will wear at my goal weight...I don't have a clue! One of those things to look forward to.

This is a bit on the personal side, but my bras are also a little loose. I've always heard that when you lose weight, you lose some in the chest area. Today I noticed some "bunching" under my shirt, that was strange. Not bad though, I could stand to lose some in that area, too.

I told Jon that I wanted to get a scale for the house, but then again I don't because I'd become an obsessive weigher. I want to get the full impact at my weekly weigh ins. And I don't want to get discouraged mid-week if I'm not doing so well.

Also had a silly thought cross my mind today. I imagined what our family Christmas picture will look like this year. I'm hoping there will be less of me...enough that people can tell. Plus with Jon on a healthier track too, and Isaiah growing like a weed, it'll be fun to see what we look like. Just a silly thought, I have those on occasion.

Day Twenty-Four

I failed to mention a few posts back that I recently bought a bathing suit. Maybe this sounds like a normal thing for you and most other people. Let me attempt to explain how HUGELY not normal this was for me.

Growing up, I spent many a summer at my grandparents place in Bullhead City, Arizona. It's a town big on watersports, both on the river and the nearby lake. As a child and in my early teens, I was thin...skinny legs, not much fat to speak of. So I would buy a new bathing suit (sometimes two) each year and bask in the sun at every opportunity. When we weren't in Bullhead, I could usually be found at my grandparents house, spending hours on end in their backyard pool.

Then puberty hit. Fat cells starting popping up in the places they should, and in the places they shouldn't. From that point on, weight was pretty much a struggle and a very sore subject. Shopping became an embarrassment, and a bathing suit was out of the question, at least without wearing a tank top over it.

So it's been about 15 years since I've owned a bathing suit and equally as long since I've been swimming, basically anywhere. I haven't felt like I was missing out all these years or anything. But now I have a son, and he's old enough to experience lots of new things, including fun in the water.

So Jon and I were walking in the mall a couple of weeks ago and I took a look at the bathing suit rack, mainly because everything was marked down. Not planning to try anything on, I was taken by surprise to find not one but three suits in my size. With some anxiety, I took them into the dressing room and found one that I truly like. One that is almost flattering! It felt like a bold step to not only try it on, but to buy it. Jon, who is the only person that REALLY knows me inside and out, was proud at the fact that I even tried it on. And he was thrilled that I found a suit I loved.

Today, for the first time in half my lifetime, I went swimming in my grandparents pool. It was such a different but amazing experience. My husband and son were there, Isaiah's first time in a real pool. My heart swelled watching him kick and splash and laugh hysterically. I think Jon and I even got in an activity point or two from swimming. My aunt and cousins played in the water with us and my grandparents looked on with pride at the sight of their first great-grandchild experiencing the water for the first time. The same water that I (their first grandchild) adored so long ago.

And the moral of the story is: not once did I think about my weight, or how I looked. I just soaked in the sun and the love and the opportunity to appreciate family. And that's the way it should be.

Day Twenty-Three

I think you should get to deduct extra activity points for exercising in extreme heat and humidity...blech! If there was ever a day I was not motivated to get out of bed for my walk, it was today. But once we hit the beach, it was pretty smooth sailing. In fact I think the second leg of the bike path was the best walk I've had yet. Might have something to do with the fact that Jon pushed Zaya in the jogger, so I didn't have to deal with the little guy throwing his shoes and assorted food items along the way.

Today was my first restaurant experience since starting WW. We went out with a good friend and Jon's family for Papa's birthday, to our favorite Mexican place, no less. Jon was pretty nervous about finding something to eat that wouldn't sabotage all the great work he's done. I have to admit I was a little concerned myself. But it really worked out well. I ordered a chicken tostada that had ingredients which were all low in points. I came home and tried to really accurately record my points, and I think I did pretty well. But boy did I leave that restaurant feeling full...haven't had that feeling in the past three weeks. I think an occasional splurge is a well-deserved treat.

Seeing that 9 lbs. lost at the weigh in yesterday really affirmed for me that I can reach my goal. And whether I have weeks of gain in between or moments when my weight loss plateaus, I realized that this is a commitment I want to stick with for the long haul. Not only until I reach my goal weight (which is now only 50 lbs. away instead of 60), but mainly as a healthy lifestyle decision for my family. It blesses me so much that this experience has brought us even closer together. That is a gift from God that I hadn't expected.

Day 22: Weigh In

I usually wait until the evening to do my daily recap, so I can account for my food intake and my feelings. But I simply can't hold back because I'm so darn excited...I'VE LOST 9 lbs. 6 oz.!!! Yes, in 22 days!!! This past week I lost a little over 4 lbs. There is no word to describe what I felt when I saw the numbers on that digital display. Complete shock, definitely...joy, absolutely. I actually asked the woman who was recording my weight, "Is this for real?" I must have looked like a nut.

What's funny is, I thought someone was going to reprimand me because WW considers 1-2 pounds per week a "healthy weight loss." How funny is that, my mind naturally goes to "I did something wrong." That must be part of what I need to work on, my guilt complex.

Anyhow, this morning's weigh in kicked off a good day like very few things can. It also helped me realize that I'm not ashamed about being on WW. Not only am I not afraid to admit who I am, I also happen to believe that it's a great program. At the very least it's the structure that I personally need and it's about time I became concerned with what I need, not with what others think I need.

Losing my self-consciousness about WW has led to my being able to share with more people. Jon has helped me officially "launch" this blog by posting it in his own. And I'm really not worried about who reads it. Some of you may have never thought about my weight being an issue, some of you may have been afraid to approach the subject in the past. Now it's all out there, this is a part of me, one that I'm particularly proud of. I'm sharing it all, the good and the yucky, so if you're ready for honesty, you've found the right place.

If I sit and think about this journey so far, it feels very surreal. I still can't believe I finally made the decision to do this. And you may have your doubts, but what they say about "making the choice is the hardest part," absolutely true.

Go me!

Day Twenty-One

I can't believe it's really Day 21! I had always put off trying to lose weight because it felt like it would take too long, but I've already been sticking with this plan for three weeks. Three very fast flying weeks.

Today at work my fellow WW buddy grabbed my pants because she noticed they were sagging...very literally falling down. I really can't afford to buy clothes right now, but I'm gonna have to find something that fits. Boy, how I've longed to have that kind of a problem!

Had three White Castle mini-burgers for dinner...what a taste explosion. Jon and I both had weekly points to spare so we decided to spluge a little. That was fun, but I don't feel like I need to do that everyday, which is good.

Weighing in tomorrow morning. Stay tuned...

Day Twenty

I've discovered I like Thursdays. It's my third and final exercise day of the week and it's close to weigh in day, both of which I look forward to.

I had a test of will-power today and passed. Someone brought in some great looking donuts to the office and then someone else brought in brownies. As you can probably guess, neither of these is particularly low on the points scale. But I went into the breakroom, got my yogurt and ate it happily. The smell of baked goods was pretty overwhelming, but I didn't feel like I needed to go take a bite. I really don't want to sabotage myself that way.

One of the people at work who I have confided in about being on WW is a former WW gal herself. She went to a breakfast meeting this morning and when she came back she said she had thought of me. Said I'd be proud of her because there was quite a spread for breakfast, but she limited herself to what she knew she should have. We're sort of a support system for each other now. So in return, I warned her to steer clear of the breakroom.

Very curious what my weight will be on Saturday. I keep thinking that I'm going to plateau and need to make an adjustment to food or exercise. I have to remind myself to take it one step at a time.

Note to self

Flavored water does nothing but make me want a tall glass of regular water afterwards.

Oh, and fat free Italian dressing is so not my friend.

Day Nineteen

Some things happened today that I hadn't thought about when I jumped aboard the S.S. Weight Watchers:

1. My wedding ring is loose. Not so loose that it's going to fall off or anything, but it slides on my finger much more freely. I hadn't considered that this might happen at all. Who thinks about losing weight in their fingers?
2. I got my first totally unprovoked, "Carrie, have you lost weight?" from someone who had no idea I was on WW. Talk about surprising and unexpected. It felt good to say, "Yes, I have!" I was at work and my co-worker said she was asking because my pants looked loose. Which leads to...
3. My pants are loose. Never did I think that after losing only 5 pounds I'd be walking around pulling my pants up all day. It feels good to know there are now physical results, but the pulling up of the pants routine is just plain funny.
4. I got full before eating everything on my plate. I had the same amount of food that I normally do, all the ounces measured out and the points calculated, but I couldn't finish it because I was full. What a concept! It is possible that my stomach is responding to my new portions and better food? I suppose so.

This whole experience is so interesting to me. I have emotionally charged days like yesterday and then comes a day like today, when I notice the practical things. I'm really glad I'm documenting this because I want to be able to look back on Day 214 and see the things I've learned and overcome.

Day Eighteen

Where am I today? Sit back and relax, folks, this could take a while. I've been on a roller coaster ride. As predicted, the mental and emotional part of this journey is where the most work is being done. I can feel it to my core. The physical parts like counting points, choosing foods, exercising - all of that is second nature to me now. It's my mind and heart that are on the frontlines.

On our beach walk tonight, I felt conspicuous, all eyes on me again. And I got really frustrated that I couldn't keep pace with Jon. It angered me. I did not feel like an equal, with him or anyone else out there. Instead, I felt very much like a lesser than. Like if I coudn't keep up, he wouldn't be proud. When we reached the end and were headed back to the car, Jon asked how I was doing and I couldn't hold back tears. My mind was cloudy and confused.

I realized that this is the part I knew was coming. I've been here before. Years ago when I started walking, or when I bought those Tae-Bo DVD's, the part would come where I had to face Carrie, the real Carrie, and I'd quit. Cold turkey. The victory is that I reached that place tonight and fought through it. Jon held my hand and told me to let it out, "Don't hold back." And I didn't. It flowed over me like a huge crashing wave, all the years of hating myself and hiding behind the things I do in the hopes that people couldn't see who I am.

I'm not discouraged. In fact, I'm motivated. There's a lot of pain I need to feel, I've gotta muddle through it so I can let it go. These moments are part of it. My foundation is solid, I will not give up.

I'm starting to share this blog with a few more people (a handful). I'm getting stronger and I have little cheerleaders who are totally in my corner. That feels incredible. To those of you who are reading this, it means you are pretty close to me, and you're getting to know me in a whole new way. Thank you for your encouragement, for loving me through even when I'm tired and weak and messy.

Bring on Day Nineteen.

Day Seventeen

Today I experienced a test of my consciousness when it comes to eating. My stress level was a little higher than usual during the afternoon and I quickly became aware that my first inkling was to go to the kitchen and eat everything I could find. Really, everything. I could picture myself sitting down with a bag of chips, some ice cream and a whole box of WW snacks. And when it hit me that I was feeling this, I realized that there were times in the past when I DID run around eating everything. I just wasn't conscious about what I was doing. Awareness is very important.

We're planning to hit the beach tomorrow night for our Tuesday walk. I've been feeling like something's missing on the days that I don't exercise, but I don't want to overdo it. I think three times a week for 60 minutes is a good regimen for me right now. We'll see if my body continues to respond.

Day Sixteen

Got through most of the day today without really thinking about weight. That's sorta landmark for me. We had a great beach walk this morning, everything seemed to be in alignment. Did fine with my points. Went to church and then had a nice afternoon out to the movies, just Jon and I. Maybe the landmark was going see a movie without stopping by the concession stand first. That never used to happen. And it didn't seem to hinder our movie-watching experience.

Being on WW has just become part of my life now. It's not dominating my thoughts, I just eat what I know I should eat. I'm starting to get to know the points values on different foods without having to look them up each time, so that helps.

It's kinda nice not to have too much to report.

Over and out.

Day 15: Weigh In

Let's see if you can guess what kind of day I had today.Since starting the program two weeks ago, I have lost 5 lbs. 4 oz. and I am shocked but ecstatic. I was standing on the scale and when I saw the number, I started to cry from disbelief I think. Very good moment, to say the least. I ended the week having eaten all of my alloted points, earned 11 activity points and 30 of my weekly allowance points went unused.

At the WW meetings, our leader Mary makes presentations to those who have achieved a milestone and losing 5 pounds is the first milestone. Her question to me was worded so perfectly, "So what has changed?" And I responded with, "What HASN'T changed?" I love the feeling of knowing I'm making choices that are good for me. I love getting outdoors and being active. Jon, Isaiah and I are living healthier all the way around. So much has changed.

Reaching this point is very motivating. Again, I feel reinforcement that I can do this. Lord willing, we'll be up at 5am tomorrow for our beach walk and I'm looking forward to it. But right now I'm still taking in all the blessings of today.

Day Fourteen

Had a really great day. Jon and I were just discussing tonight that it's only been two weeks on the program and we're pretty settled into this new change of eating habits. Though I can be tempted by things throughout the day, I really don't desire to go back to eating whatever I want whenever I want.

As I predicted, the "inner work" is proving much more challenging than the physical weight loss and lifestyle changes. My insecurities run deep. Each day I have a moment of struggle (or two) as I come to terms with my body and who I really am. It comes in waves of various feelings...anger, sadness, confusion. It can be triggered by a variety of things too. But I do realize I have a choice in this matter. I've chosen to follow a weight loss plan, I've chosen to be more honest in my life, and I can choose to not let insecurities rule me. But that doesn't make it any easier to face them.

We took our dinner to the beach again, stayed to watch the sunset. We ate and laughed, I chased Isaiah around as he charmed all the people there, his adoring fans. Sitting quietly, watching the sun go down with my two guys, everything felt in perfect alignment. Every moment can't be that way, but I wouldn't want it to be. Because when days like this do come along, they wouldn't be as special.

Will be weighing in tomorrow morning. Still odd to feel excited about something like that.

Day Thirteen

So minutes after I finished yesterday's post, feeling high on life and somewhat beautiful, I had a breakdown. I went to take a shower, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was overcome by this feeling of "I have so far to go." I was instantly discouraged, it was so strange. Tears and everything. Jon and I talked about it and I knew it was just a temporary thing. That's what this whole thing is about, the struggles and the victories. It all works together.

Today was relatively uneventful in the food and exercise arena. I stuck to my points without a problem and did 40 minutes on the treadmill. I think I've become accustomed to this new lifestyle. We even got in some "leisure activity" points with Isaiah at the park, attempting to fly a kite. The flying part didn't go so well, but we had a great time. It makes me so happy when we can be active together. The three of us strengthen and encourage each other.
Another encouragement is that Jon has really embraced the points plan and he's sticking with it. I know he's doing it for himself, for his health and I'm doing it for me, but we are truly a team.

Looking forward to Saturday again. We'll see.

Day Twelve

I shared about being on WW with another friend at work today. Turns out she's been on WW, too. She also loves the program and says she often goes back to it when she needs to lose a few pounds. Our conversation started when she was headed for the office candy bucket and asked me, "Is there anything good in there today?" I said I didn't know, I haven't been looking. That's when I told her that I needed to make the commitment for myself, it just had to be done. She looked at me with such sincerity and said, "I'm so proud of you." I'm not sure why, but that really meant a lot to me. Maybe because she's proud already, I still feel like I'll be proud when I can see noticeable change.

An already good day got even better when Jon, Zaya and I picked up our low-points Subway sandwiches and headed to the beach for dinner. Jon has started following the points plan, too. It's funny how much I enjoy tallying up points for the both of us. I want him to be healthy, too. It's exciting for both of us to be on this path together, making good choices that will benefit us as individuals and, in turn, benefit our marriage and family life.

We were sitting in the sun, enjoying the magnificent ocean sights and sounds and having one of our silly talks about appearances and attractive qualities. In the past I've avoided those conversations like the plague. Any mention of someone else who is good looking played right into my insecurities and made me think he would rather be with someone prettier or skinnier or somehow better than me. I've always known I'm insecure, but it's surprising me how deep these wounds run. Tonight was different, though. I still may not be able to understand how I look through his eyes, but I felt how sincere he was when he described my beauty. He still remembers exactly where I was sitting in church the first time he ever saw me. That overwhelms me. No words.

I knew when I started this journey that it was about way more than food. But I had no idea I would be making new discoveries about myself each and every day. I'm learning about who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I'm letting go of my resentment and hatred of my body, one tiny little piece at a time. What's even bigger than that is that each piece is being replaced by love and...I can't believe I'm going to say this, but...acceptance.

So yeah, today was a good day. I'm very thankful and feeling very alive.

Day Eleven

It's pretty amazing how many snacks you can find at the market that are low in fat, and therefore, low in points. And they're things I would normally like to eat, but usually don't pay much attention to. Like yogurt, pudding, low cal muffins. This WW plan is really not bad eating.

Had the worst exercise experience thus far. Specifically, my calves were already hurting by the time we arrived at the park (only a three block walk from our house). Needless to say after 30 minutes (1 1/2 laps) it was a welcomed surprise to run into our cousins and one of my co-workers there. We took a break to chat and then took a brisk walk home. Not as many activity points as usual, but better than nothing.

Talked to two friends at work today and felt very confident in sharing with them that I've started WW. Amazing to me because they are two of the slimmest people there, which would usually intimidate me. It's funny how it's so much easier to tell an overweight person when you've started a weight loss program. Telling a slim person can feel embarrassing. But they were both so genuinely supportive, it felt good.

Looking forward to Saturday again. I feel like I'm on the right track, in a groove, if you will.

McYikes!

So Jon and I are playin' around with the Points Calculator on the WW website. We start looking up fast food meals that in the past we would eat without a second thought. We decided to go for it and looked up what USED TO BE a typical meal for each of us:

1 Big Mac = 13 points
1 Large French Fries = 12 points
1 Oreo McFlurry = 13 points

Enough said.

Day Ten

Had family day at the beach and stopped at Giuliano's on the way for a picnic lunch to go. Initially, this worried me because I could almost taste the crumbled meatball and cheese sandwich. That would be my usual order. I figured either I wouldn't be able to resist ordering something with huge fat numbers, or that I wouldn't have much of a choice even if I wanted to. Was pleasantly surprised with my lunch selection - turkey breast on wheat bread with lettuce and tomato. It was really good. Sure I miss the mayo every now and again, but I really appreciated all the other fresh tastes...the ones I usually cover up with mayo.

Had some interesting struggles with body image today. Not so much while we were at the beach, but after we came home. It shocked me that I was walking around in a tank top in front of countless people on the sand and I wasn't all that self-conscious. Cut to walking in the door and getting a surprise visit from some of Jon's friends - instant anxiety. The very first thought I had was "I don't want them to see me this way." I still carry this desire to make Jon proud, to be a "model wife" for him, whatever that is, and I've never been convinced that I measure up.

Part two of the struggle came when I looked at the pictures we took today. Apparently the Carrie I saw in those photos had ballooned up from the Carrie I had seen in my mind all day. Basically it boils down to a simple fact that I once overheard from the next dressing room at a Lane Bryant store..."Fat ain't cute."

But I'm ok. I ate all of my 26 points today, no more, no less. And I still feel good about the fact that I am embracing this new lifestyle and working through my feelings about it, instead of ignoring them.

Day Nine

Telling people you're on WW is like admitting to them that you're fat. Not that they couldn't see your fat with their own two eyes, but you're letting them know that you too can in fact see your own fatness. This is one of the main things that kept me from ever committing to a diet or a program like WW. I didn't want to have to have conversations about it with people. If you tell someone you're on a weight loss program, what you get in return is either a look of pity, like "we'll see how long that lasts," or if they really care about you, they'll ask questions that make you actually face your feelings, and that's just scary.

But at this point, I really don't care. I can see I'm fat, you can see I'm fat, everyone else sees it too. My hope is that if I share with anyone about joining WW, they'll see that I'm taking a positive step, doing something proactive. And if they don't, oh well. I'm not doing this for them anyway.

Went back to the beach this morning. Was shocked that the first leg of my walk seemed to be over in a few minutes. I started wondering if I wasn't being rigorous enough or something because it felt much easier than before. I'm hoping this means my body is becoming accustomed to activity, which would be a good thing.

Oh and I found a new love...WW blueberry muffins. They're three points each, but certainly worth every point. Other things I'm enjoying more of now are vegetables and light cheeses, wheat bread, pickles and this spray on salad dressing stuff from Wishbone. Have switched over to nonfat milk completely and it's really not bad at all. And a surprising number of condiments are free...that's right, 0 points!

One thing I have to remember to do is to carry some kind of light snack with me to work. I get so hungry in the morning, even after having oatmeal or Cheerios. And if I don't start bringing a healthier snack, I'm way more inclined to dive into that candy bucket that sits tauntingly right behind my desk. They need to put a padlock on that thing.

Day 8: Weigh In

Didn't have a WW meeting this morning so I went to work. Right afterwards I headed to Mama's house for my own personal weigh-in. And what are the results of my first week, you ask? I've lost 2 lbs. 2oz.! Yes, it was a shock to me,too. Now I'm taking into account that it was not an "official" weight on the WW scale, but I think it's pretty reliable. Heck, I'm going with it!

I'm so thankful to have started off my first week with success. Not that I wouldn't have been able to continue the program if I hadn't lost any weight. But this was proof to myself that I can do it, if I stick with it I can reach my goal. It was proof to myself that I was not destined to be fat all my life. I can make choices, I can make changes. This is the proof that will spur me on to continue with those good choices and changes.

Jon and I discussed an exercise schedule and I think we've settled on a good regimen. Early Sunday mornings, walking the bike path at the beach. Tuesday evenings, laps around Wilson Park. And Thursday evenings, the treadmill. This is good, it gives me a break in between and helps me keep myself in check, so I don't go overboard. The last thing I need is to have my body start compensating for too much exercise.

Week two is off to a good start. If someone asks me what my secret is, I'm gonna tell them it's the WW fudgecicles. Those things are so my friend right now.

Day Seven

Just a few hours from now will mark the end of my first week on WW. Jon just asked me if I struggled at all this week. Truthfully, not as much as I expected to. I've just been feeling so relieved and thankful that I finally got started. That's not to say there haven't been cravings...I gave into one today. Friday is cookie day at work, and there was nothing gonna stand in between me and that chocolate chip cookie! So I ate it, and I recorded it, and I accounted for it in the rest of my eating today. It wasn't the end of the world.

So here are the stats: Finishing off the first week with 9 of my "weekly allowance" points left. I earned 25 activity points this week with four days of brisk walking, 60 minutes each time. I won't get weighed in "officially" tomorrow because there's no WW meeting. But I'll probably go by Mama's house to use her scale after I get off work.

So how do I feel? I'm still more than glad I made the decision to do this. I look forward to each new day. I actually miss exercising on the days like today when I don't do it. And I feel complete relief about not hiding behind my weight anymore, being willing to talk about it and work through all the feelings that accompany it.

Bring on Week 2.

Day Six

"Enter by the narrow gate... Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life..." —Matthew 7:13-14
This is the scripture from one of my daily devotionals. How true it rings, about so many different things. It's interesting how much time, effort and money we will spend on every weight loss product or service that promises results for little to no work. Those promises are empty almost every single time, but we'll keep going back, because we're more inclined to not do the work. I should know, I was like that for years.

But there comes a point when you really get tired of all the Lindora commercials on TV and the Hoodia e-mails in your inbox. Because down inside you know that the way to get results is the time tested method of putting in "an honest days work for an honest days pay." It ain't easy and it won't happen overnight, but given time and commitment, you can reach your goal.

Today I tried the treadmill for the first time. I'm really racking up a variety of activity points. When I first got started I thought, "this is not for me." Being in one place made me feel like I wasn't getting anywhere and being inside just made me twice as hot and sweaty. But within minutes, I found myself in a rhythm that felt pretty good. And within forty minutes I had walked two miles at 3mph.

For the first time today I found myself checking the mirror to see if I could notice anything. A few seconds later I realized how silly it is to be looking for results that quickly. I had to go back and read the title again...it's only Day Six. That was a reminder that I have chosen the narrow gate, but it's the one that leads to life. Not to mention that there are already evident results on the inside. That much I know for sure.

Day Five

It's almost 10pm and I'm ending the day with 2 points to spare! How do ya like them apples? (Mmmm...apples).

I did my power walk at the park tonight. Three laps, the first was the hardest. The second felt pretty good. I considered ending it there, then realized if I'm gonna do this, I've gotta really do this. If I'm already sweaty and the heart is pumping, might as well go another round. The best part was every time I got to the hill, there were my two guys, Jon and Zaya cheering me on. So proud of Mommy. Made me feel like I could do ten more laps. Also made me feel like my heart is the biggest part of me, not my tummy or other assorted flabby areas.

What I like about the park; the walk seems shorter. At least you have small destinations because you eventually get to a place where you have to turn a corner. Not a long, long, long straight path out ahead of you, like at the beach. But on the other hand, you just can't beat the mind-clearing you get from being near the ocean.

OH! I can't forget to mention the thing that made all the difference for me today...a walker/runner's dream...MUSIC! Jon has been using his MP3 player at the beach and I told him I would like to have music when I walk. Thought it would be good for my pace. Boy, that's an understatement. He got me an MP3 player of my own and downloaded all this "get your body in motion" music on it. I laughed at first when I pressed Play and heard the music from Rocky, but it worked. Thankfully it was an eclectic assortment after that.

I find that I'm looking forward to Saturday because I want to see that I'm one pound lighter (that's my weekly goal). Maybe I'm setting myself up for a fall, cuz I might not lose anything this week. But honestly after making all these changes, I'd be shocked if I didn't lose a few ounces at least. Eight maybe? Six? Anyone? Bueller?

But, one day at a time. Gotta do Day Six first.

Day Four

Yes, I am aware that I chose to start WW three days before July 4th, the biggest diet challenge next to Thanksgiving and Christmas. But it's really ok. Really. I had set aside some extra points for "wiggle room," if you will. And as it turned out, some old friends dropped by our BBQ and we spent so much time laughing and playing catch up that my focus was taken off the food. I mean I ate, but I ate normal portions and didn't have to have one of everything (like I usually do). It felt great.

I also have to note that making lifestyle changes, even simple ones, seemed so impossible before and now it's no big thing. I've switched to drinking non-fat milk. I eat much healthier meals and snacks with less fat. And amazingly enough, I GET FULL! Not gorged, just full and content. I think my body is thanking me.

Anyhow, it was a fantastic holiday spent with close friends that we love. My focus was where it should be, on the people, the moments, the memories. Not the food.

Amen to that.

Day Three

Today I learned about all these different snack type things that are only worth 1 point each. Most of them, items to soothe the sweet tooth. This is way cool because my sweet tooth tends to work overtime. Mama brought me some samples of WW mini-cakes. They are more mini than than cake, but they'll do for a craving. And I bought a box of the WW fudge popcicles...only one point each, but worth way more on the taste scale.

This evening we went back to the beach for another power walk. The body is definitely feeling the burn, but tonight it was my emotions that took more of a hit. There were way more people there because we went in the early evening and the weather was great. I felt less a sense of community and more self-conscious. It really didn't help when the little half-Asian blonde cutie jogged by with a humongous smile on her face, flashing her belly ring in all its glory. Some people make exercise look way too easy. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying it, but it's not like it's a breeze or anything.

On the way home, I had a good cry on Jon's shoulder. I'm not depressed, but so much work is being done on my inside and outside, it was like a release. I can't express what it's like having a husband who is 150% supportive and who loves me no matter what I look like. I realize some women live with men who constantly beat them down emotionally. Nothing is off limits, least of all name-calling. I am incredibly blessed to be able to look through my tears into Jon's eyes and see the most gentle, caring soul shining back at me. There are no words.

Mostly what I'm feeling today is anticipation for a great tomorrow. I used to avoid looking forward because all I could see was failure. It's a gift to anticipate success.

Points

The plan I'm following with Weight Watchers is called the Flex Plan. It assigns a points value to all of the foods you eat based on the dietary fiber content, calories and fat grams. For my current weight, I am allowed 26 points per day and I can dip into a "weekly allowance" of 35 extra points if I feel the need. The program provides exactly the right amount of structure and is really helping me learn more about the food I've been eating all these years.

Case in point -
My typical after church lunch from Taco Bell used to be:
2 Supreme Chalupas = 10 points each
1 Mexican Pizza = 13 points

That's 33 points folks! Yes, you read that right, 33 POINTS!!! That's way more than my entire daily allowance!

What an eye opener. It never really felt like I was overeating or anything. It's not like I would gorge myself. But seeing the types of things I was eating, I can totally see this program working for me.

Day Two

So I thought I hated exercise. But I figured out there are just certain types of exercise that are not me. For example, I'm not a cross-country skier. Not a snow person, not my personality, no desire there. The sport itself just doesn't appeal to me. If I forced myself to lose weight on the "cross-country ski" diet, I would easily get discouraged and give up on exercise all together. That's just not where I belong.

This morning my husband woke up at 5:30am and said he was thinking about going to the beach for a walk. I should preface this by saying he recently started making these beach trips as a personal behavior change for his own health and well-being, physically and otherwise. So when he said he wanted to go this morning before church I said, "ok." That's it, just "ok." It never would have occurred to me to suggest that we all go. Maybe I figured it was "Jon's thing." Or maybe I just haven't stepped out of my comfort zone in terms of what types of activity I think I can do. It was more than a welcome surprise when Jon said, "I was gonna see if you wanted to go, too." Wow, what a concept. Getting some much-needed exercise, clearing my head and spending time with my family all at once. So I said, "Yes!""

Walking the bike path can be a challenge because you can see the entire path stretched out before you in a straight line, and it seems so long. If you try to tackle it too fast, you can exhaust yourself and may have to quit. It's important to set a pace for yourself that gets the heart pumping, burns just enough but is still manageable.

This morning we did Jon's usual lap from the Redondo Beach pier to the end of Torrance Beach and back again. Being out in the morning air and sunshine, listening to the waves connect to the shore, it was amazing. After I got into a rhythm, my mind was free to roam. I thought about past challenges and how the Lord brought me through each time. I moved out of a passive walking stage and into an active, aggressive mode. It felt wonderful to be doing something good for myself and for my family. Each step, every drop of sweat became a battle strike against the cancer that claimed the lives of my uncle and my grandparents. Each stride was a victory over the high blood pressure and diabetes that runs so prominently in my family. And the forward motion reminded me that I am headed toward a new me.

The other great thing was breaking through the same social anxiety I had expected at the WW meeting. The idea of walking on the beach with all of the "pretty people" really scared me. I'm just not in the same league with all those runners in their fancy running shoes or the bikini-clad women on their rollerblades. Being there used to make me feel left out all over again. But this morning, I took a good look at the diversity at the beach. People of all ages, races, social classes. I was by no means the fastest walker, but I certainly wasn't the slowest. And I don't look like all the "fit folks," but I wasn't the fattest either. It occurred to me that my choice to get out there brought me into the ranks with all of the other people who have decided to be proactive, do something good for their minds, bodies and spirits. I'm not an outsider, I'm a part of this eclectic group, and that feels pretty awesome.

So I don't hate exercise. In fact, I feel encouraged to do it more often. Jon and I talked about keeping it fresh, maybe I can do laps at the park while he plays with Isaiah in the grass. Walking the treadmill on Thursday nights when we visit his parents for dinner. There are options. And I'm finally making good use of them.

Day One

I did it. I attended my very first Weight Watchers meeting, and lived to tell about it. In fact, I enjoyed it. That's right, you heard me! I went to a room full of overweight women struggling to lose an ounce at a time, and I enjoyed myself. You know why? Because the myth was broken. When I walked into the room, all eyes were not on me. Everyone didn't look at me like a hideous creature had just entered the room. And as I scanned the faces I didn't see the look I expected...that smile full of pity that said, "Oh that poor little fat girl. She thinks she can be skinny." I was just part of the group. I finally found a sense of belonging.

The meeting itself was very informative and totally non-threatening. You can share as much or as little as you like. The program is structured but relies on self-discipline, not a bunch of skinny counselor women supervising you to keep you in line. Whether you weigh 400 pounds or 100 pounds, everyone is on the same page. I like that.

I came away with the belief that I can really do this. I'm not the fattest in the land. I'm not the exception to every rule. And I don't have to eat dirt and grass, I can eat real food. I just have to monitor my quantities, believe in myself and trust in the Lord.

Since the commitment to lose weight came as part of a package deal in which I promised to be more honest with others and with myself in all areas, I'm going to lay it all on the line here. No shame. This is who I am. I'm 5'7" tall and my starting weight is 213 pounds. Based on these numbers and the BMI index (that some doctors and scientists somewhere spent a lot of time figuring out), my goal weight is 153 pounds. If math hasn't changed in the last few years, this means I need to lose 60 pounds. This was surprisingly not a surprise to me.

What's also not surprising is that I've begun to re-live some childhood experiences that I know partially contributed to my feelings about my weight and about myself in general. There's all sorts of emotional junk that comes along with that. Things were said to me (on more than one occasion) like, "You're big boned, so you'll never really be thin," or "Well, you're just a big girl. It's how you're built." Or my personal favorite, while shopping for a junior high school graduation dress, "Let's just get this one and go because we're not going to be able to find anything else." I know these comments were not meant as insults, but the fact is they played a big role in developing my self-perception. And I didn't like them.

But tonight, right at this moment, I'm in a pretty good place. Today was a great day and a bold step for me. Everything else from here on out is just work, and I can handle that. I do find myself asking, "Why did I wait so long to do this?" I know, I know, everything in God's perfect time. But my weak self can't stop thinking about this reunion my husband is planning with some old friends from elementary school and darnit, I want them to meet the skinny Carrie, but she's not here yet. Oh well, it's outta my hands.

Here's to tomorrow. Another day, another 26 meal points (with a couple extra from the special "weekly allowance").

Registration Day

Ok, folks. In about half an hour I'll be headed out to meet up with my mother-in-law for my first Weight Watchers meeting. Surprisingly I'm not nervous. I know there's no reason to be, but starting something new usually makes me nervous. This feels different, maybe it's because I've never wanted anything more in my life.

I have to say that Mama's weight loss has been incredibly inspirational. When I was younger I used to feel like a commitment to losing weight would just take too long. But she has lost over sixty pounds in just over a year, and it feels like it happened in a minute. Well, to me, anyway. I'm sure to her it feels much loooooooooooonnnger. :-)

So here I go. I'll check in after I meet the gals.