Where am I today? Sit back and relax, folks, this could take a while. I've been on a roller coaster ride. As predicted, the mental and emotional part of this journey is where the most work is being done. I can feel it to my core. The physical parts like counting points, choosing foods, exercising - all of that is second nature to me now. It's my mind and heart that are on the frontlines.
On our beach walk tonight, I felt conspicuous, all eyes on me again. And I got really frustrated that I couldn't keep pace with Jon. It angered me. I did not feel like an equal, with him or anyone else out there. Instead, I felt very much like a lesser than. Like if I coudn't keep up, he wouldn't be proud. When we reached the end and were headed back to the car, Jon asked how I was doing and I couldn't hold back tears. My mind was cloudy and confused.
I realized that this is the part I knew was coming. I've been here before. Years ago when I started walking, or when I bought those Tae-Bo DVD's, the part would come where I had to face Carrie, the real Carrie, and I'd quit. Cold turkey. The victory is that I reached that place tonight and fought through it. Jon held my hand and told me to let it out, "Don't hold back." And I didn't. It flowed over me like a huge crashing wave, all the years of hating myself and hiding behind the things I do in the hopes that people couldn't see who I am.
I'm not discouraged. In fact, I'm motivated. There's a lot of pain I need to feel, I've gotta muddle through it so I can let it go. These moments are part of it. My foundation is solid, I will not give up.
I'm starting to share this blog with a few more people (a handful). I'm getting stronger and I have little cheerleaders who are totally in my corner. That feels incredible. To those of you who are reading this, it means you are pretty close to me, and you're getting to know me in a whole new way. Thank you for your encouragement, for loving me through even when I'm tired and weak and messy.
Bring on Day Nineteen.
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1 comment:
James 1:23 says that a person who listens to the Word and doesn't do what it says is like a "man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." It takes courage to look and then DO. You are doing. What you see is the real you, not the facade that we always present to the world. That is tough. Little Carrie is the one who is crying. When you "see"this little girl, take her hand and love her. Tell her that you are sorry for what she has gone through, that you are going to lead her by the hand into the world and show her off to everyone so that they can see what a beauty she is. Tell her to trust you, that you will not let her down--tell her that you are glad that she has let you in, and it is time for her to come out into the sunshine.
We have to get real before we get healed. That is the basis of Scripture. I Need GOD. He comes to those who are sick. Not those who are "well" because they have no need of Him.
He loves us when we are unlovely when we don't love ourselves.
On a couple of lighter notes, there is an intern at work who has an old water bottle that he has refilled a gazillion times and he has lettered on it "I am Loved." He is of EASTERN thought, meditation and I guess, affirmations. When I saw the bottle I thought, "Gosh, doesn't this guy have anyone to tell him that he is loved?" And then I thought, "It would tell me more that he is loved if he would just go out and buy himself a 39 cent new BOTTLE OF WATER FOR GOSH SAKES!
Another thing, Stel cannot keep up with Papa. He always is ahead of her even in spite of his surgery where HE NEEDED TO LEARN HOW TO WALK ALL OVER AGAIN. He is like Salome: needs to be ahead of the "pack" or something. But that's okay--because I must walk to MY OWN PACE--not anyone else's. Stella's pace is the right one for Stel.
Stel is over and out..
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