Did you see that down there? Video evidence that I RAN! ME! RUNNING! Ok maybe it was more like jogging, but still. For someone who considers anything more than sitting to be exercise, it was quite an accomplishment. We don't have an accurate record of my time but it was somewhere around thirty-eight minutes. I took the first mile at a good pace, walked the second and jogged the third. Of course this was after my mini-mental-breakdown prior to the race over removing my sweatshirt and publicly displaying my tight running pants, but that's another story.
The past couple of weeks included other accomplishments as well. I reached my 50 pound weight loss, which left me only eight pounds from my goal. You didn't see any documentation of it here, however, because I didn't do a very good job of holding onto that loss. I was up 2.8 pounds by the next week. Technically if anyone ever asks I guess I can say "I lost fifty pounds" but especially now, after a particularly tasty Thanksgiving meal and a day of leftovers, I think I'm even further from that loss. I'll get it back, it's just gonna take some time.
More notably than letting go of pounds, recently I've been struggling with letting go of emotional baggage. The concept of "letting go" in general seems to be a struggle for most people. Some have a hard time parting with posessions, even old, unusable ones. Then there's the heartache of watching your children go off to their first day of pre-school, their first date, and the start of their college careers. But it's peculiar to me that it's so hard to let go of the negative things in our lives, the self-imposed emotional restraints that can hold us back from experiencing life to the fullest.
Maybe it's that we come to know and trust those inhibitions like old friends. We snuggle up to them because they're familiar and hide behind them because they feel so much bigger than ourselves. And the thought of stepping out from behind the mask reminds us that we're weak and vulnerable and suceptible to pain. But the catch 22 is that remaining in the shadow means we're hurting ourselves daily and keeping ourselves from reaching our fullest potential.
All of that to say that my growth is ongoing. I'm accepting that I'm a work in progress. At any moment of any given day I'm thankful, annoyed, depressed, excited, nervous, motivated...not to mention HUNGRY! I guess that means I'm human. Which puts me on the same playing field as everybody else.
11.26.2007
11.22.2007
10.25.2007
Day Four Hundred Eighty-One
Boy, that 0.4 really messed with my head! I've been slacking. Haven't tracked what I've been eating since that weigh-in day and exercise has been minimal at best. Granted, there's a bunch of soot and ash floating around in the air outside and it looks like we live on the Red Planet right now, so that's hindered exercise a bit. But mainly, I'm having a mental block.
So easy to slip with this whole weight battle. Too easy. Got caught up in the moment and lost sight of the big picture for a bit. And then the rest of it comes...started to get anxious about the next weigh-in, convincing myself that I'm gonna gain. So mental! If it were just about the weight, we'd all be fine.
Anyhow, I'm getting back on track. Gotta leave yesterday right where it is and keep going.
So easy to slip with this whole weight battle. Too easy. Got caught up in the moment and lost sight of the big picture for a bit. And then the rest of it comes...started to get anxious about the next weigh-in, convincing myself that I'm gonna gain. So mental! If it were just about the weight, we'd all be fine.
Anyhow, I'm getting back on track. Gotta leave yesterday right where it is and keep going.
10.17.2007
Day Four Hundred Seventy-Three
Found myself on the sands of Manhattan Beach last night, which isn't unusual. This summer we spent a lot of time at the beach, both for fitness work and playtime. And even as the days grow shorter, I've been going out to watch Jon play volleyball with this new group he's met. What was different yesterday was the mental battle that resulted in me playing beach volleyball for the first time ever.
Having spent most of my life on the sidelines because of weight and insecurity issues, I've become accustomed to "watching." In junior high school, I went to dances and sporting events just to watch, never participating. Friends joined cheerleading, got into sports, performed on stage...I watched. I've always settled into the supporting role.
Yesterday Jon mentioned that a group of non-regular volleyball players would be joining his group for one night. I was invited to come down to practice. And I was actually excited about it. But as soon as we hit the sand, the battle began. All the worries of inconveniencing someone, screwing up the game, looking like an idiot...it was all there. If I had paid more attention to what was going on, I would have seen that no one out there really knew how to play. They were just having fun. But I couldn't get past the anxiety.
Jon headed over to join in the game and I moved to that court to - once again - watch. As I sat there, I realized I probably looked more like an idiot sitting on the sidelines than I would if I just jumped in. So after that game ended, I joined in for the last two. And much to my surprise, I wasn't half bad! Worked on some drills with one of the regulars, who is incredibly encouraging. I really had a great time.
On the way home, I was explaining to Jon how difficult it is to break through these walls...experience all the "firsts." My fears and lack of confidence have always led me to sit it out when faced with something new. So each new thing seems like walking up a steep hill. If I look back at previous entries, I'm sure I can read about the anxiety of walking the bike path, the anxiety of starting to run, the anxiety of wearing my first new bathing suit in over fifteen years. But I will also read about conquering each of those fears, so I know volleyball is no different.
I'm trying to remind myself to view new things as opportunities to grow, not chances to fail. It's a daily struggle, but at least I'm thinking about it now, instead of pushing it all aside.
Having spent most of my life on the sidelines because of weight and insecurity issues, I've become accustomed to "watching." In junior high school, I went to dances and sporting events just to watch, never participating. Friends joined cheerleading, got into sports, performed on stage...I watched. I've always settled into the supporting role.
Yesterday Jon mentioned that a group of non-regular volleyball players would be joining his group for one night. I was invited to come down to practice. And I was actually excited about it. But as soon as we hit the sand, the battle began. All the worries of inconveniencing someone, screwing up the game, looking like an idiot...it was all there. If I had paid more attention to what was going on, I would have seen that no one out there really knew how to play. They were just having fun. But I couldn't get past the anxiety.
Jon headed over to join in the game and I moved to that court to - once again - watch. As I sat there, I realized I probably looked more like an idiot sitting on the sidelines than I would if I just jumped in. So after that game ended, I joined in for the last two. And much to my surprise, I wasn't half bad! Worked on some drills with one of the regulars, who is incredibly encouraging. I really had a great time.
On the way home, I was explaining to Jon how difficult it is to break through these walls...experience all the "firsts." My fears and lack of confidence have always led me to sit it out when faced with something new. So each new thing seems like walking up a steep hill. If I look back at previous entries, I'm sure I can read about the anxiety of walking the bike path, the anxiety of starting to run, the anxiety of wearing my first new bathing suit in over fifteen years. But I will also read about conquering each of those fears, so I know volleyball is no different.
I'm trying to remind myself to view new things as opportunities to grow, not chances to fail. It's a daily struggle, but at least I'm thinking about it now, instead of pushing it all aside.
10.16.2007
Day Four Hundred Seventy-Two
Z turned three years old yesterday and we celebrated by...what else? EATING! Actually, we took him to Disneyland for the day, got him his own annual pass, watched as he gave Mickey a kiss on the nose, rode a few rides and picked up some gifts. But yes, there was a fair amount of food involved. This is a good opportunity to explain how the mind works regarding WW and making food choices. Let's recap the day, shall we?
Lunch was at Carnation Cafe. Seeing how I knew we'd be splurging for dinner, I kept it light. Half of a smoked turkey sandwich, no mayo, a cup of vegetable soup and some of Zaya's carrots.
Later in the day, we headed over to California Adventure and straight to the Mission Tortilla Factory. For those who don't know, it's a working factory that produces fresh tortillas daily. Sometimes corn, sometimes flour (mmmmm). You can take a mini-tour and pick up a free, warm, yummy tortilla on your way out. The secret is that on your birthday, you get a whole package of free tortillas! And yesterday was FLOUR DAY!! Despite the fact that I wanted to eat the whole bag, I just had one.
Then came dinner, our first visit ever to Goofy's Kitchen. Did I mention it's a BUFFET? Didn't know that when we got there, but that was not a problem for us. Let the sampling begin! Started with broccoli salad with balsamic vinaigrette and feta cheese, wild rice salad with corn and black bean soup. Continued on to the chicken and pesto pizza, shrimp-stuffed sole, chicken breast, garlic mashed potatoes, prime rib, pork loin and a taste of tortellini alfredo. And what birthday would be complete without the sweet stuff...chocolate caramel tart, chocolate chip cookie pizza, tiramisu, and chocolate caramel eclairs.
Here is the beauty of WW. While it may sound like I gorged myself, I really just had a few bites of each item. Enough to taste and really appreciate the flavor of the food without overdoing it. It was a lot of fun. Jim has talked about buffets before and we've discussed how scary they can be for those who struggle with their weight. But they're nothing to be afraid of. I feel great that I got to taste so many wonderful things and leave without feeling a hint of guilt. Sure, I'll probably step up the exercise this week, but I'm not worried about it.
Happy Birthday, Z, my big beautiful preemie boy. I love you.
Lunch was at Carnation Cafe. Seeing how I knew we'd be splurging for dinner, I kept it light. Half of a smoked turkey sandwich, no mayo, a cup of vegetable soup and some of Zaya's carrots.
Later in the day, we headed over to California Adventure and straight to the Mission Tortilla Factory. For those who don't know, it's a working factory that produces fresh tortillas daily. Sometimes corn, sometimes flour (mmmmm). You can take a mini-tour and pick up a free, warm, yummy tortilla on your way out. The secret is that on your birthday, you get a whole package of free tortillas! And yesterday was FLOUR DAY!! Despite the fact that I wanted to eat the whole bag, I just had one.
Then came dinner, our first visit ever to Goofy's Kitchen. Did I mention it's a BUFFET? Didn't know that when we got there, but that was not a problem for us. Let the sampling begin! Started with broccoli salad with balsamic vinaigrette and feta cheese, wild rice salad with corn and black bean soup. Continued on to the chicken and pesto pizza, shrimp-stuffed sole, chicken breast, garlic mashed potatoes, prime rib, pork loin and a taste of tortellini alfredo. And what birthday would be complete without the sweet stuff...chocolate caramel tart, chocolate chip cookie pizza, tiramisu, and chocolate caramel eclairs.
Here is the beauty of WW. While it may sound like I gorged myself, I really just had a few bites of each item. Enough to taste and really appreciate the flavor of the food without overdoing it. It was a lot of fun. Jim has talked about buffets before and we've discussed how scary they can be for those who struggle with their weight. But they're nothing to be afraid of. I feel great that I got to taste so many wonderful things and leave without feeling a hint of guilt. Sure, I'll probably step up the exercise this week, but I'm not worried about it.
Happy Birthday, Z, my big beautiful preemie boy. I love you.
10.12.2007
Day Four Hundred Sixty-Eight
Was talking to G yesterday about self-image. I mentioned to him, as I have to other men I know, that guys just seem to "know" they are attractive. Whether it's a defense mechanism to shield their own insecurities or a downright cocky attitude, guys always appear to be better at projecting a confident self-image.
His response was, "If enough people tell you that you're attractive, you start to believe it's true." Which I found interesting because I think for many women (myself included), it's much different. I told him that when girls hear compliments they think people are just being nice, not wanting to hurt their feelings with what they really think. To which G replied, "That's BS!" And then he asked me very plainly, "Surely you don't still think that, right?"
Which got me to thinking. What DO I really think about myself at this point? It's obviously not the same self-image I had fifty pounds ago. But it's also not the level of confidence I hope to eventually achieve. Some days I look in the mirror and marvel at the difference in my body. Other days, it seems I'm only able to see the flaws and the road still left ahead of me. I told G it's a process and I'm waiting for my mind to catch up to my body.
I take comfort from a story that Jim at WW told us about his wife after she met her weight loss goal. He had bought her a dress to show off her new figure and was excited to give it to her. She went to the bedroom to try it on and he heard sobs coming from the room. When he went in to see what was wrong, she was wearing the dress and through her tears told her husband "I look fat." She had lost 75 pounds but standing in front of that mirror all she could see was her old body. Jim said it took about a year for her "mental weight-loss" to catch up with the physical.
At the end of my conversation with G, I told him I really am happy because there's no denying the progress I've made. I accepted a challenge from myself and I've already won. As Mama pointed out, she sees the progress just in the fact that I can refer to myself as beautiful, albeit "a beautiful mess." That's definitely a big step in the right direction. And the rest of the steps, whether they're baby steps or long strides, are all part of the journey.
His response was, "If enough people tell you that you're attractive, you start to believe it's true." Which I found interesting because I think for many women (myself included), it's much different. I told him that when girls hear compliments they think people are just being nice, not wanting to hurt their feelings with what they really think. To which G replied, "That's BS!" And then he asked me very plainly, "Surely you don't still think that, right?"
Which got me to thinking. What DO I really think about myself at this point? It's obviously not the same self-image I had fifty pounds ago. But it's also not the level of confidence I hope to eventually achieve. Some days I look in the mirror and marvel at the difference in my body. Other days, it seems I'm only able to see the flaws and the road still left ahead of me. I told G it's a process and I'm waiting for my mind to catch up to my body.
I take comfort from a story that Jim at WW told us about his wife after she met her weight loss goal. He had bought her a dress to show off her new figure and was excited to give it to her. She went to the bedroom to try it on and he heard sobs coming from the room. When he went in to see what was wrong, she was wearing the dress and through her tears told her husband "I look fat." She had lost 75 pounds but standing in front of that mirror all she could see was her old body. Jim said it took about a year for her "mental weight-loss" to catch up with the physical.
At the end of my conversation with G, I told him I really am happy because there's no denying the progress I've made. I accepted a challenge from myself and I've already won. As Mama pointed out, she sees the progress just in the fact that I can refer to myself as beautiful, albeit "a beautiful mess." That's definitely a big step in the right direction. And the rest of the steps, whether they're baby steps or long strides, are all part of the journey.
10.09.2007
Ten
In all the disappointment of my weigh-in weekend, I failed to mention that just the day before I had made a quick trip to Target and purchased a pair of well-fitting size 10 Mossimo jeans. This may not seem all that news-worthy to most, until you realize that I began this journey at a size 20. I think the last time I fit into a size 10 was probably at about the age of...10! Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating. But trust me, it was a long time ago.
Considering that all along I've imagined I would end up at a size 8, I'm a pretty happy gal. So long 20...
Considering that all along I've imagined I would end up at a size 8, I'm a pretty happy gal. So long 20...
Day Four Hundred Sixty-Five
There are days when I just want to jump into a vat of chocolate fondue and drink myself to death.
This is one of those days.
This is one of those days.
10.06.2007
Day 462 - Weigh In
You think by now I'd know to expect the unexpected. But today I was looking for something. Something specific. I was four tenths of a pound away from a total weight loss of 50 pounds. FIVE-OH! That's big to me. It's those round numbers that seem to validate all the smaller numbers that came before them, for some reason. Most weeks I walk into weigh-in having no clue what the scale will say. But today, I just knew it was going to reveal a milestone.
Instead, Jim looked at the digital display and said with a lilt in his voice, "You stayed the same." WHAT?!?!?! "No change. Still 163.8, you're down a total of 49.6." I don't know what my face did but my heart sunk. It wasn't like I was looking to make my goal this week, I just wanted that four tenths! I was doing exactly what WW recommends...set small, achievable goals and celebrate them along the way. I think most would agree that four tenths is small by any measure. And I was pretty sure it was achievable. But apparently not today.
What made it harder was that others were expecting it, too. Jon and I talked about it on and off throughout the past week. He and Zaya came to the meeting with me today and he brought the camera to capture my reaction. We had planned on staying after weigh in for the meeting. But everything changed in a quick second. I knew I couldn't stay because I could feel my face getting flushed and the tears welling up already. We got to the car and I lost it, fell into Jon's arms crying as if someone had just run over my puppy or something.
Was it really just that tiny fraction of a stupid pound that devastated me? No, of course not. It's never that simple. As I've indicated in recent posts there's a lot going on in our lives. Some of it's good, some of it's not, most of it is stressful. The past week held a lot of anxiety for me and I think I had been looking to weigh-in day as a light at the end of the tunnel. As I said to Jon in the car, "I needed it. I needed it today."
When I had composed myself we headed to the beach for Jon to play volleyball. The weather was amazing, the beach was virtually empty. I got in a volley workout and Zaya and I spent hours on the sand near the water finding shells, digging holes, splashing in the ocean. Then we headed to Jon's parents house to rest and decompress a bit. And just as unexpectedly as the morning began, the evening ended with an impromptu dinner out to celebrate Isaiah's birthday week.
So yes, it was a good day. Not the good I expected, but the good that was meant to be. I need to learn how to be more accepting of that. The glass is...more than half full. I may forget that sometimes, but it is.
Instead, Jim looked at the digital display and said with a lilt in his voice, "You stayed the same." WHAT?!?!?! "No change. Still 163.8, you're down a total of 49.6." I don't know what my face did but my heart sunk. It wasn't like I was looking to make my goal this week, I just wanted that four tenths! I was doing exactly what WW recommends...set small, achievable goals and celebrate them along the way. I think most would agree that four tenths is small by any measure. And I was pretty sure it was achievable. But apparently not today.
What made it harder was that others were expecting it, too. Jon and I talked about it on and off throughout the past week. He and Zaya came to the meeting with me today and he brought the camera to capture my reaction. We had planned on staying after weigh in for the meeting. But everything changed in a quick second. I knew I couldn't stay because I could feel my face getting flushed and the tears welling up already. We got to the car and I lost it, fell into Jon's arms crying as if someone had just run over my puppy or something.
Was it really just that tiny fraction of a stupid pound that devastated me? No, of course not. It's never that simple. As I've indicated in recent posts there's a lot going on in our lives. Some of it's good, some of it's not, most of it is stressful. The past week held a lot of anxiety for me and I think I had been looking to weigh-in day as a light at the end of the tunnel. As I said to Jon in the car, "I needed it. I needed it today."
When I had composed myself we headed to the beach for Jon to play volleyball. The weather was amazing, the beach was virtually empty. I got in a volley workout and Zaya and I spent hours on the sand near the water finding shells, digging holes, splashing in the ocean. Then we headed to Jon's parents house to rest and decompress a bit. And just as unexpectedly as the morning began, the evening ended with an impromptu dinner out to celebrate Isaiah's birthday week.
So yes, it was a good day. Not the good I expected, but the good that was meant to be. I need to learn how to be more accepting of that. The glass is...more than half full. I may forget that sometimes, but it is.
10.04.2007
Day Four Hundred Sixty-One
So Jon came home with this Pilates DVD from the library a few months ago and he's been following the exercises a couple of times a week. I had no interest in watching it, let alone trying it, so I wrote it off as another one of those things that just "wasn't me.""After ten sessions you'll notice a difference,
After twenty, other's will notice...,
After thirty you'll have a whole new body..."- Joseph Pilates
But as I get closer to my goal, I realize that just losing another eight pounds isn't gonna cut it for me. Quite frankly there's more than a bit of toning up that needs to be done. And I realized I want my whole body to be healthy. So I decided to give this Pilates thing a try.
When I told Jon I really wanted to put in some effort, he went back to the library and unknowingly came home with the very same DVD he had checked out before. I probably should have specified a BEGINNER level program, but I didn't think about it at the time. For two weeks I watched the "Hilary Burnett's Pilates Intermediate" disc sit on the shelf above the tv. Old Carrie would have let that thing sit another week until it was due and went back to the library. Wasn't like we paid for it or anything.
But this isn't old Carrie anymore. One day I finally picked up the disc, put it the the DVD player, pulled out a floor mat and followed the entire program. The first thing I learned is, pilates is no joke. There's some serious work involved. I had more sweat pouring off of me than I usually do during a beach run. What is described as "exercises powered by breath, flow and centering" feels more like getting hit in the stomach by a MAC truck. I also discovered that while my version of the workout may not have looked as graceful as Hilary Burnett's, it felt great to be engaging muscles that have received zero attention in the past.
Having done the workout a second time, I know something's happening. I don't know what the results will look like on me physically, but I want to stick with it to find out. Stay tuned...
10.03.2007
Apples
How sad is it that it took me this long to realize my blog template wasn't loading properly. The designer site I heisted it from doesn't even exist anymore! So, as you can see I've done a little housecleaning. Don't ask questions about the apples. Saw 'em. Liked 'em. They seem to fit here. 'Nuff said.
Oh and about that skinny picture over there...I can't seem to get it to fit correctly. But then who in their right mind is gonna argue about a skinny picture on a weight loss blog, right?
Oh and about that skinny picture over there...I can't seem to get it to fit correctly. But then who in their right mind is gonna argue about a skinny picture on a weight loss blog, right?
10.02.2007
Day Four Hundred Fifty-Nine
"I've started running." That's what I've been telling people who ask about how Weight Watchers is going. And it's half true - I have been running. It's another one of those things I never imagined I could do and now I'm doing it as a part of my commitment to fitness in year two. But recently I realized that the other half of that statement is false - "I've started." The fact is that emotionally speaking, I'm no stranger to running and I've been doing it most of my life.
About three months ago, Jon asked if I wanted to try jogging a portion of our usual beach run, and I decided to give it a shot. It wasn't a very organized thought and I didn't expect much to come of it, but with him there to pace me and set small, achievable goals, it worked. What started as a jog between lifeguard stations on the bike path has turned into running about half of our three mile course.
The physical act of running has pushed my mind as well as my body. The challenge is shaking things up, changing my physical expectations and forcing me to look inward even further than before. It's been a part of a shift that seems to be taking place in all aspects of my life...like a transition brought on by seven years of marriage, the responsibility of parenting an ENERGETIC (to say the least) almost-three-year-old, changing relationships and facing the unknowns of running a business. Let's just say things in our household have been...less than calm.
All of this has got me thinking about running and its purpose. Many would say it's a good form of exercise, a way to get your blood flowing and be refreshed by the air on your face. Running can also bring you to a destination or carry you away from somewhere you shouldn't (or don't want to) be. Most of my running has always taken place in my mind, motivated by fear. Running from what others will think or the possibility of disappointing someone. Running from the image of myself in my head. Running from.
I think this transition period is so difficult because it requires a complete turnaround. It's not easy to change the thirty year momentum of running away from the past into a brand new momentum of running toward my future. It involves admitting that I'm not in control, that I don't know what's around the next corner, or even where my very next step will lead. It involves admitting that I'm afraid, and learning to trust in God more than myself. Basically, it involves releasing the fears that have too easily become my security blanket.
So after losing 49.6 lbs and with about 8 more to go, I'll keep running. With hard work, the motivations will change and results will be defined. And along the way I'll realize that it's not a sprint, it's a marathon, meant to charge and strengthen, rebuild and renew.
About three months ago, Jon asked if I wanted to try jogging a portion of our usual beach run, and I decided to give it a shot. It wasn't a very organized thought and I didn't expect much to come of it, but with him there to pace me and set small, achievable goals, it worked. What started as a jog between lifeguard stations on the bike path has turned into running about half of our three mile course.
The physical act of running has pushed my mind as well as my body. The challenge is shaking things up, changing my physical expectations and forcing me to look inward even further than before. It's been a part of a shift that seems to be taking place in all aspects of my life...like a transition brought on by seven years of marriage, the responsibility of parenting an ENERGETIC (to say the least) almost-three-year-old, changing relationships and facing the unknowns of running a business. Let's just say things in our household have been...less than calm.
All of this has got me thinking about running and its purpose. Many would say it's a good form of exercise, a way to get your blood flowing and be refreshed by the air on your face. Running can also bring you to a destination or carry you away from somewhere you shouldn't (or don't want to) be. Most of my running has always taken place in my mind, motivated by fear. Running from what others will think or the possibility of disappointing someone. Running from the image of myself in my head. Running from.
I think this transition period is so difficult because it requires a complete turnaround. It's not easy to change the thirty year momentum of running away from the past into a brand new momentum of running toward my future. It involves admitting that I'm not in control, that I don't know what's around the next corner, or even where my very next step will lead. It involves admitting that I'm afraid, and learning to trust in God more than myself. Basically, it involves releasing the fears that have too easily become my security blanket.
So after losing 49.6 lbs and with about 8 more to go, I'll keep running. With hard work, the motivations will change and results will be defined. And along the way I'll realize that it's not a sprint, it's a marathon, meant to charge and strengthen, rebuild and renew.
7.16.2007
Addendum
In my previous post, I failed to give thanks to all the stealth blog readers out there. Thank you for the good vibes...you know who you are. :)
6.30.2007
Day Three Hundred Sixty-Five
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.
How do you measure, measure a year?
From Rent, by Jonathan LarsonThe day has come. Not unlike all the days before it, it will leave just as swiftly as it's come. But very much unlike the days before it, this day marks the celebration of an unprecedented journey, and a me I've never been before. On July 1st, 2006, I stepped into a simple, average-sized meeting room at the Carson Community Center with very low expectations. The motivation to be there was strong, but the belief that anything would come of it was weak at best. It was my first Weight Watchers meeting. Far from the first time I'd felt the need to lose weight, but definitely the first time I knew I needed to make a change. For the benefit of my mind even moreso than my body.
I showed up at WW defeated, convinced that I wasn't even worth the twelve bucks a week it would cost to join the program. I had spent most of my 30 years hating my body, wishing I looked like somebody else. I had made minimal attempts at weight loss, committing only long enough to be able to tell people that I had tried. But nothing ever "stuck" because I was convinced that I couldn't do it.
The days that followed have brought so much change. New habits replacing old ones. Trying new things and learning what works. Setting new goals and releasing the fear. The learning has been trying and constant...and good.
That's why today means so much. Exactly one year later I am 47 lbs. lighter and in better shape than I've ever been before. I enjoy food, both new finds and old favorites. I crave exercise (crazy, I know). I can shop in REGULAR STORES, which was one of my big goals. But more than all of that, I have proven to myself that I can do it, that I am not a failure. That I am indeed able and worth the effort.
To those of you who have been along for the ride, I have to give a heartfelt thanks. For the times you noticed and said so. For the moments you took pride in my victories. And for holding my hand through what sometimes felt like defeat. To Jon for believing in me when I couldn't, to Mama for knowing and sharing the struggle, to J for introducing me to the gym, to A for listening to me babble on (and for always having a snack when I needed it!), to G for being my #1 blog reader and the best darn president of a fan club that ever lived, to A2 for all the beautiful words of encouragement, to M for all the love, to Aunt W for being a lifelong friend and offering so much understanding in one quick glimpse. And to my Z-man who keeps me active (to say the least) and who brings a smile to my face and my heart every single day. Thank you. I love you.
But don't go anywhere, the ride is far from over. We've only just begun. I'm on this train for the duration. My second year on WW will be focused on fitness. Now that I know I can lose the pounds, I want to learn how to be an all-around healthier person. This means new types of exercise and re-shaping my new body. I have a lot to learn in this area so it's sure to be a challenge. Not to mention the struggle continues of getting my mind and emotions to catch up to my body.
Stick around. Here's to living bigger...in all the best ways.
BEFORE
AFTER
AFTER6.09.2007
Day 322: Weigh In
Ok, so I had expected to be up about five pounds this week, after all of my fun family indulgence and stress eating. Thankfully I'm only up .8 of a pound. Somewhat disappointing after five continuous weeks of loss, but it could have been SO much worse.
Then I come home to record my weight on the WW website and in perusing my membership book, I see that I weighed 172.2 on January 20th and today I'm at 171. In about five months, I'm only down 1.2 pounds.
Resume disappointment.
I still know I'll get there, just let me have my moment.
The answer is pretty simple, actually...just follow the program. That's what our meeting was all about today. You'd think it goes without saying, but apparently we all need to be reminded every single day. Today Jim asked the basic questions like, are you tracking everything you eat? Are you aware of your portion intake? Are you stopping when you're satisfied? And the general consensus in the room was..."weeeeelllllllllll.....sometimes....maybe...." And I'm right there with 'em. I have to get focused and start writing everything down again. And I have to stop thinking I can trick my body by estimated the amounts I'm eating. I used to get excited about measuring portions. Yes, I said, EXCITED!! I guess a lot has changed.
What hasn't changed is my motivation. I'm not going back to where I came from so the only way to move is forward. Which means, if you'll excuse me, I need to go track what I've eaten today...
Then I come home to record my weight on the WW website and in perusing my membership book, I see that I weighed 172.2 on January 20th and today I'm at 171. In about five months, I'm only down 1.2 pounds.
Resume disappointment.
I still know I'll get there, just let me have my moment.
The answer is pretty simple, actually...just follow the program. That's what our meeting was all about today. You'd think it goes without saying, but apparently we all need to be reminded every single day. Today Jim asked the basic questions like, are you tracking everything you eat? Are you aware of your portion intake? Are you stopping when you're satisfied? And the general consensus in the room was..."weeeeelllllllllll.....sometimes....maybe...." And I'm right there with 'em. I have to get focused and start writing everything down again. And I have to stop thinking I can trick my body by estimated the amounts I'm eating. I used to get excited about measuring portions. Yes, I said, EXCITED!! I guess a lot has changed.
What hasn't changed is my motivation. I'm not going back to where I came from so the only way to move is forward. Which means, if you'll excuse me, I need to go track what I've eaten today...
6.06.2007
Day Three Hundred Nineteen
In the interest of playing catch up, here are the vital stats:
Current weight: 170.2 lbs.
Total weight loss: 43.2 lbs.
Pounds to go: 15.2
And yes, I did have to go to my calendar and count days to get the title of this post.
Current weight: 170.2 lbs.
Total weight loss: 43.2 lbs.
Pounds to go: 15.2
And yes, I did have to go to my calendar and count days to get the title of this post.
4.17.2007
Life...and taxes.
So today is the day. Marked on everyone's calendar with a big red circle, a sad face, or perhaps a skull and crossbones. Today is the day that evens the score and puts every red-blooded American on the same page. When we all dig deep into our pockets and hopefully find enough there to pay Uncle Sam what he is due.
The theme of taxes has been a particularly strong one in my life as of late. It doesn't help that I work in an office that prepares taxes for approximately 400 clients. Each day of the official busy tax season brings in a new person every hour, and bags upon boxes of paperwork that supposedly sums up what that life is worth in dollars and cents. It can be exhausting just taking in the anxiety on each face.
Yet at the same time, all this talk about 1040's and Schedule C's and deadlines and such has got me thinking about taxes in other areas of life. Taxes on the body, mind and spirit can so often be more intense than those on the pocketbook. Wouldn't it be nice if our lives worked the way the IRS does? If we only had to pay out headaches and heartaches once a year? If we could just receive a one page summary in January that itemized our successes and failures, then file it away for another 364 days? And what if we only had to take one quick glance at the 1099-like form detailing the hurts we've received...not to mention the other one detailing the hurts we've dished out to others.
Paying taxes creates such a panic in just about everyone. But maybe that's because of the all or nothing nature. In thinking more about it, the physical and emotional things that tax our lives would probably kill us if paid out all at once. Though it's often hard to find, there is a fine balance of good and bad that keeps us afloat just long enough to get us to the next piece of driftwood. I guess this is why God promises His grace is new every morning, because we need it just as much each day as the day before.
I was just telling a friend recently that I wish I could take a good long nap and wake up to find everything ok. That would be so much easier. But the truth of the matter is that nothing great was ever accomplished the easy way. The changes and progress only come as a result of the work...the tedious, tiresome, backbreaking work. Whether it's losing those last 15 pounds (yes, that's what's left at this point), maintaining that small business, nurturing meaningful relationships, whatever.
Yep, we all have to pay our taxes. In some respect, it's a comfort to know that's one way we're never alone.
The theme of taxes has been a particularly strong one in my life as of late. It doesn't help that I work in an office that prepares taxes for approximately 400 clients. Each day of the official busy tax season brings in a new person every hour, and bags upon boxes of paperwork that supposedly sums up what that life is worth in dollars and cents. It can be exhausting just taking in the anxiety on each face.
Yet at the same time, all this talk about 1040's and Schedule C's and deadlines and such has got me thinking about taxes in other areas of life. Taxes on the body, mind and spirit can so often be more intense than those on the pocketbook. Wouldn't it be nice if our lives worked the way the IRS does? If we only had to pay out headaches and heartaches once a year? If we could just receive a one page summary in January that itemized our successes and failures, then file it away for another 364 days? And what if we only had to take one quick glance at the 1099-like form detailing the hurts we've received...not to mention the other one detailing the hurts we've dished out to others.
Paying taxes creates such a panic in just about everyone. But maybe that's because of the all or nothing nature. In thinking more about it, the physical and emotional things that tax our lives would probably kill us if paid out all at once. Though it's often hard to find, there is a fine balance of good and bad that keeps us afloat just long enough to get us to the next piece of driftwood. I guess this is why God promises His grace is new every morning, because we need it just as much each day as the day before.
I was just telling a friend recently that I wish I could take a good long nap and wake up to find everything ok. That would be so much easier. But the truth of the matter is that nothing great was ever accomplished the easy way. The changes and progress only come as a result of the work...the tedious, tiresome, backbreaking work. Whether it's losing those last 15 pounds (yes, that's what's left at this point), maintaining that small business, nurturing meaningful relationships, whatever.
Yep, we all have to pay our taxes. In some respect, it's a comfort to know that's one way we're never alone.
1.31.2007
Day One Hundred Ninety-Three
All I wanna know is, who put the Fun Size Twix bars in the candy bucket? WHO??? Do you not understand what this does to me? I realize that I've done a lot of talking about making good choices, blah, blah, blah. But these are TWIX BARS, PEOPLE!
Maybe it's best that you don't reveal yourself. I haven't decided if I want to kiss you or kill you.
Maybe it's best that you don't reveal yourself. I haven't decided if I want to kiss you or kill you.
1.28.2007
Day One Hundred Ninety
It's always nice when you learn a lesson in one aspect of your life that can be (and probably should be) applied to many others. I think that's what's happening here. This occurred to me after weighing in this week to find I'm back up .2 lbs, still hovering around 173. Now I'm not vain enough to be disgruntled by a weight gain of two tenths of a pound. What I'm hoping is that I'm perceptive enough to pick up on a trend and do something to change it.
I think what's being driven home in my head is not to get too settled. I recognize that I've become settled into the WW routine and have begun to believe my own hype. I've been on the program for over six months and my behaviors are starting to suggest that I'm good at it...or even that I've mastered it. Which is totally not true. But I can see the pattern now. Slacking on recording my points, treating exercise as a take-it-or-leave-it part of the program. And frequently sneaking nibbles and bites, all the while thinking to myself, "Oh this won't make a difference." These things all add up. It's not like I'm gaining by leaps and bounds, but taking a peek at the pattern of gain and loss, gain and loss over the past couple of months indicates that my current casual attitude does, in fact, make a difference.
What I'm learning is that just when you feel like you've got it all figured out, it's time to shake things up. We tend to live our lives as though we're on the road to one specific destination. And once we arrive there, the job is done, the work is finished. Whether it's school, career, weight-loss, whatever. It's easy to look through tunneled lenses and think, "Once I get there, I'll be happy." The problem is we think we know exactly where "there" is and we're convinced there's only one road that leads to it.
I guess what I'm saying is that there are times when it's good to rock the boat. And it seems to be the times when we think we've "made it." If you're having that feeling about some part of your life, it might be a good opportunity to look at yourself from a new perspective. Achievement is wonderful, but too often it serves as a closed door behind us instead of an open one in front of us...a path to something new. I personally am very proud to say that I've lost 41 lbs. But I'm also proud to say that I've got 17 more to go, and I'm working on it. And aside from weight loss...who knows? I'm starting to see new doors open ahead. All it took was a little shift in focus and a lot of new love for myself.
I think what's being driven home in my head is not to get too settled. I recognize that I've become settled into the WW routine and have begun to believe my own hype. I've been on the program for over six months and my behaviors are starting to suggest that I'm good at it...or even that I've mastered it. Which is totally not true. But I can see the pattern now. Slacking on recording my points, treating exercise as a take-it-or-leave-it part of the program. And frequently sneaking nibbles and bites, all the while thinking to myself, "Oh this won't make a difference." These things all add up. It's not like I'm gaining by leaps and bounds, but taking a peek at the pattern of gain and loss, gain and loss over the past couple of months indicates that my current casual attitude does, in fact, make a difference.
What I'm learning is that just when you feel like you've got it all figured out, it's time to shake things up. We tend to live our lives as though we're on the road to one specific destination. And once we arrive there, the job is done, the work is finished. Whether it's school, career, weight-loss, whatever. It's easy to look through tunneled lenses and think, "Once I get there, I'll be happy." The problem is we think we know exactly where "there" is and we're convinced there's only one road that leads to it.
I guess what I'm saying is that there are times when it's good to rock the boat. And it seems to be the times when we think we've "made it." If you're having that feeling about some part of your life, it might be a good opportunity to look at yourself from a new perspective. Achievement is wonderful, but too often it serves as a closed door behind us instead of an open one in front of us...a path to something new. I personally am very proud to say that I've lost 41 lbs. But I'm also proud to say that I've got 17 more to go, and I'm working on it. And aside from weight loss...who knows? I'm starting to see new doors open ahead. All it took was a little shift in focus and a lot of new love for myself.
1.26.2007
Day One Hundred Eighty-Eight
Good: Having friends who notice there's something different about me.
Great: Having friends who recognize my weight loss and say nice things like, "You look great. Let's go shopping!"
Unbelievably Fantastic: Having friends who not only invite you over for dinner and serve yummy low point goodies like mini-turkey-burgers on King's Hawaiian whole wheat rolls, but who also thoroughly enjoy the goodness of a healthy meal, thereby creating a spirit of team unity.
Thanks A&G! You guys are a fat girl's dream. Ok, well maybe my real dream involves double chocolate fudge cake, but you run a close second.
Great: Having friends who recognize my weight loss and say nice things like, "You look great. Let's go shopping!"
Unbelievably Fantastic: Having friends who not only invite you over for dinner and serve yummy low point goodies like mini-turkey-burgers on King's Hawaiian whole wheat rolls, but who also thoroughly enjoy the goodness of a healthy meal, thereby creating a spirit of team unity.
Thanks A&G! You guys are a fat girl's dream. Ok, well maybe my real dream involves double chocolate fudge cake, but you run a close second.
1.21.2007
Day One Hundred Eighty-Three
Ok, I know, skipping two complete weigh-in weeks on my blog is unacceptable. What is the meaning of this??? I think Z is better equipped to answer that question, he can tell you what I do all day. Most of it involves attempting to keep up with a very active, independent and fearless two year old. Must be why I'm losing weight.
Yes, I said losing! As of yesterday's weigh-in, I'm down a total of 41.2 lbs. and my current weight is 172.2. I wish I could more accurately remember when I was last at this weight. I'm convinced it was somewhere around junior high or high school. It's no secret, I've never been a small gal. People look at me strangely when I say I've never been this small because logically speaking, I had to have been this weight at some point, right? I mean I was 8 lbs. 9 oz. when I was born and got up to 223 lbs. at my heaviest. So it would only make sense that somewhere in there I reached 172. I guess what I really mean is I've never been in this shape before.
Today was a good barometer for me because I went to see Terry. I would say he's my "hairstylist" or "haircutter" (that one's for you, G), but he's way more than that. He's been a good friend of my mom's since she was very young and therefore has known me since birth. Yes he does cut my hair, but he's more of a confidante. What he said today, with a very loving, fatherly look in his eyes, was "you've really never been this SIZE before." And that would be accurate. He was also the first one to say, "You've always been beautiful, and now you're even more beautiful. Not because of your weight, but because I can see the change in you, how you feel about yourself. You're gorgeous." This is what I mean when I say I've got the best group of cheerleaders around.
So the year is off to a good start. Not just for me but for others who are taking on the WW challenge. Today's shout out is to J's mom who has joined the herd (and I mean that in the most loving way possible). She has made the commitment to lose weight but moreso to improve her health. Which is really important. To her and to J. I hope I can offer her even a small part of the encouragement that J and so many others have offered me.
Yes, I said losing! As of yesterday's weigh-in, I'm down a total of 41.2 lbs. and my current weight is 172.2. I wish I could more accurately remember when I was last at this weight. I'm convinced it was somewhere around junior high or high school. It's no secret, I've never been a small gal. People look at me strangely when I say I've never been this small because logically speaking, I had to have been this weight at some point, right? I mean I was 8 lbs. 9 oz. when I was born and got up to 223 lbs. at my heaviest. So it would only make sense that somewhere in there I reached 172. I guess what I really mean is I've never been in this shape before.
Today was a good barometer for me because I went to see Terry. I would say he's my "hairstylist" or "haircutter" (that one's for you, G), but he's way more than that. He's been a good friend of my mom's since she was very young and therefore has known me since birth. Yes he does cut my hair, but he's more of a confidante. What he said today, with a very loving, fatherly look in his eyes, was "you've really never been this SIZE before." And that would be accurate. He was also the first one to say, "You've always been beautiful, and now you're even more beautiful. Not because of your weight, but because I can see the change in you, how you feel about yourself. You're gorgeous." This is what I mean when I say I've got the best group of cheerleaders around.
So the year is off to a good start. Not just for me but for others who are taking on the WW challenge. Today's shout out is to J's mom who has joined the herd (and I mean that in the most loving way possible). She has made the commitment to lose weight but moreso to improve her health. Which is really important. To her and to J. I hope I can offer her even a small part of the encouragement that J and so many others have offered me.
1.11.2007
Day One Hundred Seventy-Three
Goodbye holidays! Sure I suffer from as much post-Christmas depression as the next guy, but you know the great thing about the season after the holiday season? All the bad food is GONE GONE GONE from the house. And no, I didn't eat it. Not all of it. I mean we voluntarily gave away two unopened boxes of Sees candy. How's that for commitment? Not only that, but just yesterday I took a portion of my Christmas bonus/paid vacation money and went grocery shopping, leaving with a cart full of goodies that are good. I'm not gonna start the year off on the naughty list.
So I kicked off 2007 losing most of my Christmas gain. Was down 1.4 pounds for a current weight of 173.2. I've lost 40.2 altogether. This makes me happy. What also makes me happy is running into someone I hadn't seen in a couple of months while picking up take-out and having her say, "You look like you've lost some since the last time I saw you." That never hurts. But as in most cases, there's more to the story. What this woman didn't know was that just moments before I had made a sweep of the bakery area, trying to decide if I should pick up something tasty for myself and just account for the points later. She was right in front of me, with her back turned, and I didn't recognize her. This was a good reminder that you can never really sneak a treat...especially from yourself.
Mama asked the other day about my mindset. How am I feeling about the next 18 pounds? Honestly, I feel great because I know it's achievable. The hardest part of this was over and done with the moment I decided to start WW. Jumping that emotional hurdle was way more difficult than anything I've encountered since. I'm not saying the rest is all cake...so to speak. Every day has its challenges, and not just the tempting, food-related ones. There's still a lot of self-discovery going on. And that's what I had hoped for. As it's turning out, the more I get to know and, more importantly, get to like me, the more I enjoy those around me. Which makes this crazy mixed-up life more fulfilling...not just filling.
So I kicked off 2007 losing most of my Christmas gain. Was down 1.4 pounds for a current weight of 173.2. I've lost 40.2 altogether. This makes me happy. What also makes me happy is running into someone I hadn't seen in a couple of months while picking up take-out and having her say, "You look like you've lost some since the last time I saw you." That never hurts. But as in most cases, there's more to the story. What this woman didn't know was that just moments before I had made a sweep of the bakery area, trying to decide if I should pick up something tasty for myself and just account for the points later. She was right in front of me, with her back turned, and I didn't recognize her. This was a good reminder that you can never really sneak a treat...especially from yourself.
Mama asked the other day about my mindset. How am I feeling about the next 18 pounds? Honestly, I feel great because I know it's achievable. The hardest part of this was over and done with the moment I decided to start WW. Jumping that emotional hurdle was way more difficult than anything I've encountered since. I'm not saying the rest is all cake...so to speak. Every day has its challenges, and not just the tempting, food-related ones. There's still a lot of self-discovery going on. And that's what I had hoped for. As it's turning out, the more I get to know and, more importantly, get to like me, the more I enjoy those around me. Which makes this crazy mixed-up life more fulfilling...not just filling.
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