What day is it? Where am I? That's what this week has felt like. Jon just finished designing a beautiful brochure for the wedding network we're involved with (for PlanetZaya and Elena's Inspiration). The Shining Light Fund just received a grant for $4,000 for the mother's bracelet program. The candlelight service is only two weeks away, followed closely behind by Z's birthday party and now, Make a Difference Day. And as I sit here to blog about my WW experience, I'm thinking, did I even eat this week?
Seriously, I have been paying enough attention to notice how much I'm enjoying food, the smart choices, and continuing exercise. I've also noticed that when cravings do come, they're pretty strong. It's like a battle of two extremes. I think it's because life is continuing to happen all around now and WW is a normal part of that life. So daily eating doesn't take much thought anymore, but I have to be careful to stay focused during those cravings.
Didn't get to walk tonight, but we did get some extra walking in this week, so I should be ok. Oh, and shout outs to M who's hanging in there with a very busy work and school schedule while riding the WW train, and to J who has a job interview tomorrow. Love you guys.
9.28.2006
9.26.2006
Day Eighty-Seven
It's "extra points to spare day," apparently. Jon and I both unintentionally ended up with enough extra points today that we could each almost have another meal. We split our Quizno's sandwiches between lunch and dinner, Jon paired his with some low fat popcorn and I finished off that great bean soup. Then toss in some exercise points from a great walk, top it off with a little Golden Spoon...I think we just found a winning meal combination.
The walk was completely refreshing. We did our three miles in 55 minutes, I think that's a new record for us. Of course Jon jogs, which means he's a bit faster than I am, so he ends up doing some extra running and walking while he's waiting for me. I kept a really steady pace the entire time and came close to wishing that the walk would just keep going. That's definitely a new feeling for me. I need to go back and read some earlier entries to remind myself how far I've come because I can remember having so much anxiety and being self-conscious about even existing in front of strangers. That's not even part of who I am anymore. Jon said I looked good out there, and I felt like it.
Then came home and got a happy phone call. My friend J made it to the next step in the job search process, which is awesome. That reminded me that I haven't heard anything from my WW buddy M. Hey M, hit me up!
Good night everyone. And a pleasant tomorrow.
The walk was completely refreshing. We did our three miles in 55 minutes, I think that's a new record for us. Of course Jon jogs, which means he's a bit faster than I am, so he ends up doing some extra running and walking while he's waiting for me. I kept a really steady pace the entire time and came close to wishing that the walk would just keep going. That's definitely a new feeling for me. I need to go back and read some earlier entries to remind myself how far I've come because I can remember having so much anxiety and being self-conscious about even existing in front of strangers. That's not even part of who I am anymore. Jon said I looked good out there, and I felt like it.
Then came home and got a happy phone call. My friend J made it to the next step in the job search process, which is awesome. That reminded me that I haven't heard anything from my WW buddy M. Hey M, hit me up!
Good night everyone. And a pleasant tomorrow.
9.25.2006
Day Eighty-Six
Did well with my points today. But had some mean cravings for sweets. That's why it's important for me to keep low fat sweet stuff in the house, because if I don't I go crazy. And if you don't have the low-fat stuff, you start looking for anything edible, really. Trust me on this.
So we made a good decision to walk to the market to buy some stuff for dinner. And it was there that I stocked up on my good friend, the Sugar-Free Jello Pudding Cup. It's my ideal one point snack. I should also mention that I've been fortunate to benefit from Mama's WW cooking. Her most recent kitchen creation is a bean soup that's two points per cup, and very tasty.
See how easily this blog could just turn into a food frenzy? Now I'm hungry...
So we made a good decision to walk to the market to buy some stuff for dinner. And it was there that I stocked up on my good friend, the Sugar-Free Jello Pudding Cup. It's my ideal one point snack. I should also mention that I've been fortunate to benefit from Mama's WW cooking. Her most recent kitchen creation is a bean soup that's two points per cup, and very tasty.
See how easily this blog could just turn into a food frenzy? Now I'm hungry...
9.24.2006
Day Eighty-Five
Fall is definitely in the air. Our beach walk was a little cold this morning, but still so worth getting up to go. Now that it's cooler, there's hardly anyone around, the quiet is nice. It got even quieter when my MP3 player batteries died almost immediately after I started walking. Usually I need the music to keep a good pace. But today I was really motivated and frankly, the sound of the waves was so soothing. With so much going on in my life right now, it was a welcome relief to be alone with my thoughts and the crash of the ocean.
After the walk, we had breakfast at King's. Can't go wrong there. And I've learned the joy of substituting egg whites in most breakfast items. An egg white omelet with mushrooms was the order of the day...though I did splurge on a blueberry muffin, no substitution for that.
In the afternoon, my friend J came over with his son. Z was thrilled to have a playmate. Doesn't matter to him if the kid is 2 years old or 12, he makes fast friends. And he is always sure to pull out every imaginable toy to impress his guest. While my energy level has increased substantially since losing this weight, it was nice to watch Z get chased around by someone who can keep up much better than I can. We all had a great time just hanging out, something I don't get to do very often.
Today was a good balance. Ended the weekend in a calm and contented mood but started a new week with some motivation so see a little change in the scale. Change in the right direction.
After the walk, we had breakfast at King's. Can't go wrong there. And I've learned the joy of substituting egg whites in most breakfast items. An egg white omelet with mushrooms was the order of the day...though I did splurge on a blueberry muffin, no substitution for that.
In the afternoon, my friend J came over with his son. Z was thrilled to have a playmate. Doesn't matter to him if the kid is 2 years old or 12, he makes fast friends. And he is always sure to pull out every imaginable toy to impress his guest. While my energy level has increased substantially since losing this weight, it was nice to watch Z get chased around by someone who can keep up much better than I can. We all had a great time just hanging out, something I don't get to do very often.
Today was a good balance. Ended the weekend in a calm and contented mood but started a new week with some motivation so see a little change in the scale. Change in the right direction.
9.23.2006
Day 84: Weigh In
"Maintain." That's WW-speak for not losing or gaining any weight. I stayed exactly the same for one week, still at 182.6. Maintaining is a funny thing. You are somewhat disappointed that you didn't lose anything, not even an ounce, but you're also ecstatic that you didn't gain anything...not even an ounce.
The maintain experience is a new one for me, but one that I saw coming. I can honestly say after having a really nice week and enjoying our anniversary so much, I'm not bothered by it. However, I will say that the idea of "maintaining" puts me a focused frame of mind for a new week.
The meeting was great, as always. Such a nice group of people. Yes, mainly women. Jim is starting a cookbook club. He sent a new cookbook home with one of the ladies to try out a few recipes and then take notes on what her favorites are. Then she can pass it on to someone else, and so on. I suggested that she actually bring in samples of the recipes to the next meeting. Considering that I don't cook, but I do in fact eat, I figure that's the best way for me to benefit from this deal. Don't you agree? :-)
The maintain experience is a new one for me, but one that I saw coming. I can honestly say after having a really nice week and enjoying our anniversary so much, I'm not bothered by it. However, I will say that the idea of "maintaining" puts me a focused frame of mind for a new week.
The meeting was great, as always. Such a nice group of people. Yes, mainly women. Jim is starting a cookbook club. He sent a new cookbook home with one of the ladies to try out a few recipes and then take notes on what her favorites are. Then she can pass it on to someone else, and so on. I suggested that she actually bring in samples of the recipes to the next meeting. Considering that I don't cook, but I do in fact eat, I figure that's the best way for me to benefit from this deal. Don't you agree? :-)
9.22.2006
Day Eighty-Three
Versary day. A very nice one. I did a lot of eating, though I made some good choices as well. Took Z to Hof's Hut for lunch. That kid put away every last piece of his kids cheesy pizza and fruit...better him than me. I opted for broiled halibut, steamed veggies and mashy tatoes (in your honor, J), with zuccini bread as my treat.
For dinner we headed out to Long Beach, back to The Reef, where six years ago we shared a meal with family and friends in celebration of our marriage. It's virtually impossible to stay within points range at that place. Everything is...what's a good word...decadent. So the evening went a little something like this: spinach artichoke dip, raspberry vinaigrette salad, breaded tilapia with risotto. Jon had some Polynesian spare ribs. Not to mention great conversation and a beautiful skyline view. And yes, I had a real dessert. No Golden Spoon, no 1 point mini-cake. Actually Jon and I shared this:
Tuxedo cake. Cream cheese and chocolatey goodness. And we made no apologies, just enjoyed the evening and the celebration. After dinner we drove out to Hollywood to see a documentary at the ArcLight. My age showed through very clearly...couldn't even stay awake. It was a much needed night out and we enjoyed every moment.
I love that WW doesn't require apologies. You just pick up from where you left off. I have a feeling this night combined with the fact that I only exercised once again this week (where do the days go?), something may be reflected on the scale. But that's ok by me. I'm enjoying every step, every lesson.
For dinner we headed out to Long Beach, back to The Reef, where six years ago we shared a meal with family and friends in celebration of our marriage. It's virtually impossible to stay within points range at that place. Everything is...what's a good word...decadent. So the evening went a little something like this: spinach artichoke dip, raspberry vinaigrette salad, breaded tilapia with risotto. Jon had some Polynesian spare ribs. Not to mention great conversation and a beautiful skyline view. And yes, I had a real dessert. No Golden Spoon, no 1 point mini-cake. Actually Jon and I shared this:
Tuxedo cake. Cream cheese and chocolatey goodness. And we made no apologies, just enjoyed the evening and the celebration. After dinner we drove out to Hollywood to see a documentary at the ArcLight. My age showed through very clearly...couldn't even stay awake. It was a much needed night out and we enjoyed every moment.I love that WW doesn't require apologies. You just pick up from where you left off. I have a feeling this night combined with the fact that I only exercised once again this week (where do the days go?), something may be reflected on the scale. But that's ok by me. I'm enjoying every step, every lesson.
9.21.2006
Day Eighty-One & Day Eighty-Two
I had started typing a completely different post about an hour ago, and I was fine. Then I sat down to watch the season premiere of ER. Abby just went into pre-term labor. Baby is in the NICU. And here I am, a sniffling, sobbing mess. That show can do it to me every time. In sixty minutes, minus commercial time, I just relived both of my pregnancies and the extreme birth outcomes. In one case, holding my daughter for only a matter of hours before saying goodbye to her forever. In the other case, welcoming my son far too early and praying he wouldn't see the same fate. It's amazing how immediately all those feelings come flooding back, streaming down my face. How easily I get angry and scared and humbled by my place in this world.
This all becomes even more intense as this power-packed episode happened to air on the eve of my sixth wedding anniversary. Tomorrow marks so much more than just six calendar years. It marks the seven years prior that ushered us into our wedding day. It marks hundreds of thousands of minutes, life in its truest form. Long talks, celebrations, road trips, collaborations, great ideas, unintentional hurts, gains and losses, belly laughs and swollen tears. And so much in between that our feeble brains forget. But the sum of these parts is a genuine partnership, a life together that prompts only gratitude.
So what will we do in honor of this momentous occasion? We're still not sure. It will most definitely involve food, much of which may not be on my regular WW plan. But I'm looking forward to it. No one really knows the history behind my finally deciding to do something about my weight. How much Jon has always supported me, wanting what's best for me but never pushing. Telling me how beautiful I am, and wishing I wouldn't cry every time because I never believed it myself (am still struggling with this one). He's played a big role in shaping who I am today. And in bringing about the fact that I almost actually like who that person is.
On days like this I marvel at the little things God puts on the path to bring you back to center. Put things in perspective. Something as silly as watching a show on TV. For each of us it's different, whatever it takes to get our attention. I'm thankful I was paying attention. I hope you're paying attention, too.
This all becomes even more intense as this power-packed episode happened to air on the eve of my sixth wedding anniversary. Tomorrow marks so much more than just six calendar years. It marks the seven years prior that ushered us into our wedding day. It marks hundreds of thousands of minutes, life in its truest form. Long talks, celebrations, road trips, collaborations, great ideas, unintentional hurts, gains and losses, belly laughs and swollen tears. And so much in between that our feeble brains forget. But the sum of these parts is a genuine partnership, a life together that prompts only gratitude.
So what will we do in honor of this momentous occasion? We're still not sure. It will most definitely involve food, much of which may not be on my regular WW plan. But I'm looking forward to it. No one really knows the history behind my finally deciding to do something about my weight. How much Jon has always supported me, wanting what's best for me but never pushing. Telling me how beautiful I am, and wishing I wouldn't cry every time because I never believed it myself (am still struggling with this one). He's played a big role in shaping who I am today. And in bringing about the fact that I almost actually like who that person is.
On days like this I marvel at the little things God puts on the path to bring you back to center. Put things in perspective. Something as silly as watching a show on TV. For each of us it's different, whatever it takes to get our attention. I'm thankful I was paying attention. I hope you're paying attention, too.
9.19.2006
Day Eighty
The word is svelte.
May I have the definition?
Slender or graceful in figure or outline; slim.
The origin please?
French, from Italian, svelto.
Can I have it in a sentence please?
"Carrie, you are looking very svelte these days (an actual comment overheard at work today)."
S-V-E-L-T-E, svelte.
That is correct.
May I have the definition?
Slender or graceful in figure or outline; slim.
The origin please?
French, from Italian, svelto.
Can I have it in a sentence please?
"Carrie, you are looking very svelte these days (an actual comment overheard at work today)."
S-V-E-L-T-E, svelte.
That is correct.
9.18.2006
Day Seventy-Nine
It was a snacking day for some reason. Just felt like eating at all different times. That's when those 1 point sugar-free Jello Pudding Cups are my best friend. And after avoiding New England style Clam Chowder creaminess for 11 weeks, I had the Manhattan style for lunch today. It was really great, and a good way to get my veggies as well. Yes, yes, substitutions. That's the key.
Forgive me if I get a little stream-of-consciouness for a moment. Was just talking to my friend J and got into a discussion about appearance and attractiveness. This goes back to the stunningly beautiful bridal model that we met at a recent meeting. I showed her picture to my friend and his reaction was probably much the same as anyone's would be. She's one of those people that turns heads everywhere she goes. A presence, I guess that's what you'd call it. J and I talked about beauty and how everyone is beautiful in their own way. But how come there are just those people who there's no denying, they've got that something extra? It's not up for discussion, anyone would agree she's gorgeous.
And more importantly, why do I care so much? J said, "Carrie, there's nothing wrong with you." I know he's right, or at least I think I do. Especially now, when I'm feeling like there's "less wrong" with me than I've ever thought before. But we human beings are so easily distracted. I still want to have that something extra. Forgive me, God, it's total vanity. But our brains are wired that way sometimes.
Recently Jon asked how it felt to be 30 pounds lighter (in mind and body). Obviously, it's fanatastic. Something I never allowed myself to even dream about, yet here it is. I'm incredibly thankful. But it's also odd. Not that I don't recognize myself. Well maybe sometimes. But I've been looking back at old pictures of me and I just keep seeing that round face. Basically back to when I was a kid. It's interesting because some other people who struggle with weight can go back to pictures of when they were thin(ner). I really don't have much to go back to, so this whole experience is new to me still.
Reading back through this I realize it may sound like I'm depressed or something. Totally not the case. I am just fascinated by this entire process and my place in it. It's like I know myself better than ever, but simultaneously I'm coming to know a part of me that never existed before. It's the coexistence of the old and new, the known and the unknown. Really quite something to experience.
Forgive me if I get a little stream-of-consciouness for a moment. Was just talking to my friend J and got into a discussion about appearance and attractiveness. This goes back to the stunningly beautiful bridal model that we met at a recent meeting. I showed her picture to my friend and his reaction was probably much the same as anyone's would be. She's one of those people that turns heads everywhere she goes. A presence, I guess that's what you'd call it. J and I talked about beauty and how everyone is beautiful in their own way. But how come there are just those people who there's no denying, they've got that something extra? It's not up for discussion, anyone would agree she's gorgeous.
And more importantly, why do I care so much? J said, "Carrie, there's nothing wrong with you." I know he's right, or at least I think I do. Especially now, when I'm feeling like there's "less wrong" with me than I've ever thought before. But we human beings are so easily distracted. I still want to have that something extra. Forgive me, God, it's total vanity. But our brains are wired that way sometimes.
Recently Jon asked how it felt to be 30 pounds lighter (in mind and body). Obviously, it's fanatastic. Something I never allowed myself to even dream about, yet here it is. I'm incredibly thankful. But it's also odd. Not that I don't recognize myself. Well maybe sometimes. But I've been looking back at old pictures of me and I just keep seeing that round face. Basically back to when I was a kid. It's interesting because some other people who struggle with weight can go back to pictures of when they were thin(ner). I really don't have much to go back to, so this whole experience is new to me still.
Reading back through this I realize it may sound like I'm depressed or something. Totally not the case. I am just fascinated by this entire process and my place in it. It's like I know myself better than ever, but simultaneously I'm coming to know a part of me that never existed before. It's the coexistence of the old and new, the known and the unknown. Really quite something to experience.
9.17.2006
Day Seventy-Eight: Nothing to do with weight loss
ACTUAL E-MAIL CONVERSATION WORTH RECORDINGCarrie: I haven't decided yet if this is just another thing to add to my already full plate, or if this is the thing that will push everything else off my plate into a mess on the floor.
(Something tells me it may be the latter, as I am prone to messes)
9.16.2006
Day 77: Weigh In
Another milestone...30 lbs! 30.8 to be exact. Once again, a week with some "off-program" eating (ie Fair Food) and because of our crazy schedule, only one exercise day. So I'll take this week's 1.2 lb. loss, no complaints.
As you may have guessed, much of our time at WW meetings is spent talking about food. Seems logical. And in the minutes before and after the meeting, you'll find all the ladies sharing recipes and tips about good food finds. This morning Jim shared a couple of soup recipes, which reminded me how much I love this time of year.
Yes, it's soup weather. The transition from summer to fall has always been my absolute favorite. I was the weird kid who liked school, maybe that has something to do with it. But the change in the weather and the move indoors is sort of a comfortable quiet for me. Although I have to admit, after what has been one amazing summer, the warmest season now comes in at a close second. This year has been like a great recipe that I can't wait to share - a cup of self-examination, two cups of healing, a pinch of learning, and a dash of letting go. Not to mention the seasoning of reclaiming old friendships and embracing new ones.
It always seems that when I make it to this time of year, I'm left wondering where it all went. Not this year, though. For the first time in, well, ever, I was paying attention. I remember the moments, the breakthroughs. And I grasp onto the resulting memories. It's all too important to let it slide by.
As you may have guessed, much of our time at WW meetings is spent talking about food. Seems logical. And in the minutes before and after the meeting, you'll find all the ladies sharing recipes and tips about good food finds. This morning Jim shared a couple of soup recipes, which reminded me how much I love this time of year.
Yes, it's soup weather. The transition from summer to fall has always been my absolute favorite. I was the weird kid who liked school, maybe that has something to do with it. But the change in the weather and the move indoors is sort of a comfortable quiet for me. Although I have to admit, after what has been one amazing summer, the warmest season now comes in at a close second. This year has been like a great recipe that I can't wait to share - a cup of self-examination, two cups of healing, a pinch of learning, and a dash of letting go. Not to mention the seasoning of reclaiming old friendships and embracing new ones.
It always seems that when I make it to this time of year, I'm left wondering where it all went. Not this year, though. For the first time in, well, ever, I was paying attention. I remember the moments, the breakthroughs. And I grasp onto the resulting memories. It's all too important to let it slide by.
9.15.2006
Day Seventy-Seven
One of the ladies at work today wanted to know what I'm doing to get so skinny. HA! There's something I've never been called before. Work was a trainwreck...deadline day, crazy people, same old story. But the rest of the day was nice, and pretty productive.
So where am I? Hmm...I have to admit on a weigh-in eve such as this, I used to know right off the top of my head how many points I had eaten and how many were left. Since I don't obsess about this anymore, I have to look it up. Looks like I finished off the week with 21 weekly allowance points to spare. The 14 that I did use were spread out fairly evenly between each day. Even the County Fair day, which is odd.
Speaking of the fair, glad I shared those photos. People make jokes all the time about that deep fried stuff, but when you see it for real, it's hilarious. And somewhat frightening. As Mama wonders, can they deep fry ANYTHING? I believe the answer is yes. And someone will undoubtedly eat it, whatever it is. I forgot to explain that photo of all the chocolate yumminess. That was the Ghirardelli Chocolate Baking Contest. We actually stayed and watched the judging and awards. You can almost taste it just looking at that picture, can't you?
It's been a really great week. So much happens in a week's time over here. Don't really feel like listing it off at this point, but trust me, good stuff. What it comes down to is how glad I am to be on the other side of the weight obsession, because there are so many other things to focus on. Oh sure, I still have my days, but the journey is most definitely the destination. If you're looking for fat Carrie, she doesn't live here anymore. She discovered that she was always more fat in mind than body. Her mind was freed, and she went off in search of all the things she had never thought she was capable of.
So where am I? Hmm...I have to admit on a weigh-in eve such as this, I used to know right off the top of my head how many points I had eaten and how many were left. Since I don't obsess about this anymore, I have to look it up. Looks like I finished off the week with 21 weekly allowance points to spare. The 14 that I did use were spread out fairly evenly between each day. Even the County Fair day, which is odd.
Speaking of the fair, glad I shared those photos. People make jokes all the time about that deep fried stuff, but when you see it for real, it's hilarious. And somewhat frightening. As Mama wonders, can they deep fry ANYTHING? I believe the answer is yes. And someone will undoubtedly eat it, whatever it is. I forgot to explain that photo of all the chocolate yumminess. That was the Ghirardelli Chocolate Baking Contest. We actually stayed and watched the judging and awards. You can almost taste it just looking at that picture, can't you?
It's been a really great week. So much happens in a week's time over here. Don't really feel like listing it off at this point, but trust me, good stuff. What it comes down to is how glad I am to be on the other side of the weight obsession, because there are so many other things to focus on. Oh sure, I still have my days, but the journey is most definitely the destination. If you're looking for fat Carrie, she doesn't live here anymore. She discovered that she was always more fat in mind than body. Her mind was freed, and she went off in search of all the things she had never thought she was capable of.
9.14.2006
Day Seventy-Five & Day Seventy-Six
What I ate at the LA County Fair:
Hot, buttered corn on the cob
1/2 an order of french fries
2 chicken tacos with salsa
1/2 an order of chili cheese fries
1 chocolate & vanilla nonfat frozen yogurt cone
What I did NOT eat at the LA County Fair:
And my personal favorite:
All in all, I'd say I did pretty well.
Hot, buttered corn on the cob
1/2 an order of french fries
2 chicken tacos with salsa
1/2 an order of chili cheese fries
1 chocolate & vanilla nonfat frozen yogurt cone
What I did NOT eat at the LA County Fair:
And my personal favorite:
All in all, I'd say I did pretty well.
9.12.2006
Day Seventy-Four
Breakfast Burrito Wednesday moved to Tuesday this week. I ate half of mine this morning and Zaya ate the rest for lunch. We had to move the day temporarily to make room in Wednesday's schedule for Greasy Cheesy Pizza Wednesday at Chuck E. Cheese with some friends. Sounds like a nightmare week as far as points are concerned, but that so doesn't bother me anymore. I know that I'm following the program really well, it's all second nature now. Having no anxiety about extra treats and special days is just so nice. I'm a real person living a real life, and enjoying it.
Had a long talk today with my high school friend. Basically catching up on eight missed years of each other's lives. While talking with him I realized that what everyone has been telling me is true - I am so much more to people than what I look like. Since starting WW several people have made the comment that they didn't ever think of me as someone who needed to lose weight. And I just looked back at them, astonished after years of assuming that fat is what everyone sees first. But today it became clear that regardless of my weight or any other insecurity, I have a lot to offer as a person, as a friend. That was a realization I've been waiting for and hoping for. Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty content right about now.
People assume that being on WW is about acceptance...losing weight so others will accept you. But it's really more about learning to accept yourself. We are our toughest critics, very hard to impress. We spend so much time putting the mask on for others that when we take it off, we don't recognize ourselves. But the mask is coming off. This is all me. You don't have to like it. I, for one, love it. It's about time.
Had a long talk today with my high school friend. Basically catching up on eight missed years of each other's lives. While talking with him I realized that what everyone has been telling me is true - I am so much more to people than what I look like. Since starting WW several people have made the comment that they didn't ever think of me as someone who needed to lose weight. And I just looked back at them, astonished after years of assuming that fat is what everyone sees first. But today it became clear that regardless of my weight or any other insecurity, I have a lot to offer as a person, as a friend. That was a realization I've been waiting for and hoping for. Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty content right about now.
People assume that being on WW is about acceptance...losing weight so others will accept you. But it's really more about learning to accept yourself. We are our toughest critics, very hard to impress. We spend so much time putting the mask on for others that when we take it off, we don't recognize ourselves. But the mask is coming off. This is all me. You don't have to like it. I, for one, love it. It's about time.
9.11.2006
Day Seventy-Three
Good story. I wasn't feeling great Friday morning and called in sick to work. Just the prior day, I was at work and my boss got dropped off by a friend of hers. A friend who hadn't seen me in about five months. When I get to work this morning, she tells me she was really worried about me Friday. "Why?" I asked. She said when her friend had dropped her off the other day, he asked her if I was okay because I'm "so thin." Apparently I am wasting away. :-)
As I'm sure it was for most people, today was a hectic Monday, but also a day for reflection. September 11th, we all hope there will never be a date that hangs as heavy as this one does. Jon and I were watching some of the documentary footage about the planning and construction of the World Trade Center memorial. We were equally annoyed by all of the suits and ties in a meeting about rebuilding what once was the subway station and underground shopping mall, talking about how the site still has a gray and gloomy feeling. "It still feels tragic," said one of these high-priced marketing geniuses. Yes, that's because it is. And it always will be. And if you don't get that, you have no businesses working on the project.
That's what you get for today. One funny story and a rant. Enjoy.
As I'm sure it was for most people, today was a hectic Monday, but also a day for reflection. September 11th, we all hope there will never be a date that hangs as heavy as this one does. Jon and I were watching some of the documentary footage about the planning and construction of the World Trade Center memorial. We were equally annoyed by all of the suits and ties in a meeting about rebuilding what once was the subway station and underground shopping mall, talking about how the site still has a gray and gloomy feeling. "It still feels tragic," said one of these high-priced marketing geniuses. Yes, that's because it is. And it always will be. And if you don't get that, you have no businesses working on the project.
That's what you get for today. One funny story and a rant. Enjoy.
9.10.2006
Day 71: Weigh-In & Day Seventy-Two
It's the day after weigh-in and I'm still kind of in shock. I also feel a little silly, I prefaced this post with an entry about how "off" my week was. As it turns out, I lost 4 lbs. last week, bringing my total loss to 29.6 lbs. I'm at 183.8. I know, crazy, right? In ten weeks. If it weren't happening to me, I'm not sure that I'd believe it.
I was telling M today about how I over-account for things. The minute I see chicken with a creamy sauce or mayo on a sandwich, I immediately think, "That's 1000 points!" Yes, I tend to exaggerate when it comes to food. I think it's a defense mechanism, so I won't be unpleasantly surprised if I don't lose a pound one week. I probably ate just fine and was busy enough that missing two of my exercise days didn't have the impact I expected.
Everyone at church today was making it known that the change is noticeable. I also forgot to mention that I got together with a friend on Friday. He hadn't seen me in about seven or eight years. He said I'm smaller now than he remembers, which gave me a whole new perspective on my weight. I think he's right, I don't think I've weighed this close to 180 in more years than I care to think about. It's just weird to go over all of this in my head now. I can remember very vividly feelings and moments concerning my weight at all different ages. And I'm so not that person any more.
In other news, shout out to M for her first week's loss: 2.6 lbs. Good job, M! I had fun sharing food shopping tips with you. Here's to many more good weeks.
I was telling M today about how I over-account for things. The minute I see chicken with a creamy sauce or mayo on a sandwich, I immediately think, "That's 1000 points!" Yes, I tend to exaggerate when it comes to food. I think it's a defense mechanism, so I won't be unpleasantly surprised if I don't lose a pound one week. I probably ate just fine and was busy enough that missing two of my exercise days didn't have the impact I expected.
Everyone at church today was making it known that the change is noticeable. I also forgot to mention that I got together with a friend on Friday. He hadn't seen me in about seven or eight years. He said I'm smaller now than he remembers, which gave me a whole new perspective on my weight. I think he's right, I don't think I've weighed this close to 180 in more years than I care to think about. It's just weird to go over all of this in my head now. I can remember very vividly feelings and moments concerning my weight at all different ages. And I'm so not that person any more.
In other news, shout out to M for her first week's loss: 2.6 lbs. Good job, M! I had fun sharing food shopping tips with you. Here's to many more good weeks.
9.09.2006
Days Sixty-Nine and Seventy
I'm slackin' again! Headed to my WW meeting in about a half-hour. I feel really great this morning, despite the fact that I can't really give you a count of my points for the week. Starting off the week at the wedding, eating on the road, a business meeting on Thursday, it made the week pretty hectic. I can tell you that I only got in one day of exercise. Again, not anxious, more curious about what the scale holds for me today.
Regarding Thursday's meeting, it was amazing. Jon and I (and even Isaiah) met with a group of vendors who provide various services in the wedding industry. Jon brought video demos and I brought samples of my jewelry. It was exciting to be amongst a group of young, highly motivated people making their way doing what they love. The goal is to become a tight network that provides exclusive referrals for new clients. I felt like we fit into the group really well and had something valuable to offer.
I also was not self-conscious, for the most part. There was this moment when one of the bridal models arrived for the meeting...she's gorgeous. I think it was intimidation I felt for a minute, but it didn't last long. I got the chance to talk with her afterwards, she's such a nice person. At that point, intimidation was gone, I was just really thankful to be there and have the opportunity to meet all these people. There seems to be a lot of potential there.
Talked a little with my WW buddy M last night. She's having a similar week to me, not sure where the points stand. But she's surprising herself by discovering new eating habits, and realizing satisfaction when she eats. I totally know those feelings, they're like a friend to me now! So it was good to catch up and share. You're doing great, M! Glad to share the ride with you.
Anyhow, heading out in a minute, so I'll be back later with the numbers report.
Regarding Thursday's meeting, it was amazing. Jon and I (and even Isaiah) met with a group of vendors who provide various services in the wedding industry. Jon brought video demos and I brought samples of my jewelry. It was exciting to be amongst a group of young, highly motivated people making their way doing what they love. The goal is to become a tight network that provides exclusive referrals for new clients. I felt like we fit into the group really well and had something valuable to offer.
I also was not self-conscious, for the most part. There was this moment when one of the bridal models arrived for the meeting...she's gorgeous. I think it was intimidation I felt for a minute, but it didn't last long. I got the chance to talk with her afterwards, she's such a nice person. At that point, intimidation was gone, I was just really thankful to be there and have the opportunity to meet all these people. There seems to be a lot of potential there.
Talked a little with my WW buddy M last night. She's having a similar week to me, not sure where the points stand. But she's surprising herself by discovering new eating habits, and realizing satisfaction when she eats. I totally know those feelings, they're like a friend to me now! So it was good to catch up and share. You're doing great, M! Glad to share the ride with you.
Anyhow, heading out in a minute, so I'll be back later with the numbers report.
9.06.2006
Day Sixty-Eight
Work was a bit hectic this morning, so Breakfast Burrito Wednesday was a welcome treat. So hectic, in fact, that I ended up bringing the thing home and Jon and I split it for lunch with some of those really good Trader Joe's potatoes. That's another good way to cut down on points...split your food with someone. I really didn't need to eat that whole thing anyway. As one of my fellow BBW colleagues mentioned, after just one bite you're ready for a nap.
I had a really good talk with a friend last night. I sorta spilled my guts about my weight loss and all of the insecurities that surround it. He reconfirmed all of the things I've been learning and what I had originally suspected about the changes within. And I quote, "Change the exterior if you see fit to do so, but you need to focus on change from the inside out." Good advice for anyone facing the self-esteem challenges that accompany weight issues. Actually, I see the two as very interrelated. For me I think the physical changes on the outside that others are now seeing are the result of the changes already made inside. The two have to work together or no real productive change will ever come.
I'm looking toward Saturday and expecting some possible gain on the scale. Let's put it this way, it wouldn't be a surprise if that happened. But I don't have anxiety about this, which is good. I'm just looking ahead with excitement and anticipation of what's to come.
I had a really good talk with a friend last night. I sorta spilled my guts about my weight loss and all of the insecurities that surround it. He reconfirmed all of the things I've been learning and what I had originally suspected about the changes within. And I quote, "Change the exterior if you see fit to do so, but you need to focus on change from the inside out." Good advice for anyone facing the self-esteem challenges that accompany weight issues. Actually, I see the two as very interrelated. For me I think the physical changes on the outside that others are now seeing are the result of the changes already made inside. The two have to work together or no real productive change will ever come.
I'm looking toward Saturday and expecting some possible gain on the scale. Let's put it this way, it wouldn't be a surprise if that happened. But I don't have anxiety about this, which is good. I'm just looking ahead with excitement and anticipation of what's to come.
9.05.2006
Day Sixty-Seven - This Could Get Messy
So I haddabadday. Not really. The events of the day were fine. Just feeling crappy. Part of it is that we just got back from our not-so-power walk. I don't recommend taking a week off from exercise. Everything felt out of sync and I'm out of focus. And ultimately, I feel FAT. Like over the weekend twenty-five pounds just jumped up, clamped onto my body and screamed, "We're not going anywhere!!!" I felt every jiggle, and hated it. And then toward the end, my right hand and foot started to go numb. I was thinking to myself, "What's wrong with me? Am I having a stroke?" It was weird.
The highs and lows that I can have in a single day are amazing. Today at work, one of my co-workers came back from being on vacation for the entire summer. She hadn't seen me since the end of April. When she did see me, her eyes got huge and she couldn't stop saying how great I look. She said I'm a "shadow of my former self." It was neat to see such a sincere reaction. Then in the evening, as I'm walking, I'm feeling flabby and thinking to myself, "How did I let myself get to this point?" Ultimately I know there are a lot of answers to that question. It's purely rhetorical. But still, it was there in my head.
I know everything's good. I look at my 25 pound magnet on the fridge and still marvel that I've come this far. That's why we have those magnets and bookmarks and keychains. They serve as good reminders for moments like this. May seem like small potatoes (unnecessary food reference) to others, but they're a big deal to a WW gal like me.
Tomorrow is another day, Lord willing. I'm looking forward to it.
The highs and lows that I can have in a single day are amazing. Today at work, one of my co-workers came back from being on vacation for the entire summer. She hadn't seen me since the end of April. When she did see me, her eyes got huge and she couldn't stop saying how great I look. She said I'm a "shadow of my former self." It was neat to see such a sincere reaction. Then in the evening, as I'm walking, I'm feeling flabby and thinking to myself, "How did I let myself get to this point?" Ultimately I know there are a lot of answers to that question. It's purely rhetorical. But still, it was there in my head.
I know everything's good. I look at my 25 pound magnet on the fridge and still marvel that I've come this far. That's why we have those magnets and bookmarks and keychains. They serve as good reminders for moments like this. May seem like small potatoes (unnecessary food reference) to others, but they're a big deal to a WW gal like me.
Tomorrow is another day, Lord willing. I'm looking forward to it.
9.04.2006
Day Sixty-Six
Just FYI, at the end of this week my point counts are going to be way off. Though I know it's not true, I feel like I ate my way through our little vacation and then again upon our return home. We got back about 1pm today and I had two turkey hot dogs and a little of Jon's chili cheese fries. Ordering the turkey dogs was sort of an effort toward good choices, I guess. But sharing the chili fries...that was pure indulgence.
Also, I have not exercised since last Tuesday. I really wanted to get some kind of activity in during the trip, but walking, jogging, pretty much even standing still in 100+ degree weather is just brutal. I even had the thought of going for a swim or checking for a work-out room at the hotel. Didn't happen. Everything just went so fast. Am I trying to make myself feel better by justifying to you that I thought about exercise? Probably. Isn't that just sad? Definitely.
It's good to be home. Time to get back into the swing of life. The next few months will be pretty eventful in this household. I know that busy-ness and even the change in seasons can sometime pose challenges to exercise and weight loss. But I'm sticking with it. Can't stop after I've come this far.
Have yet to see a picture of me in that little strappy number. I have a vision in my mind, which could be totally off. I think Jon has some video footage. I kinda want to see it. And I kinda don't. How it looks to me will determine if I share it with you. Stay tuned.
Also, I have not exercised since last Tuesday. I really wanted to get some kind of activity in during the trip, but walking, jogging, pretty much even standing still in 100+ degree weather is just brutal. I even had the thought of going for a swim or checking for a work-out room at the hotel. Didn't happen. Everything just went so fast. Am I trying to make myself feel better by justifying to you that I thought about exercise? Probably. Isn't that just sad? Definitely.
It's good to be home. Time to get back into the swing of life. The next few months will be pretty eventful in this household. I know that busy-ness and even the change in seasons can sometime pose challenges to exercise and weight loss. But I'm sticking with it. Can't stop after I've come this far.
Have yet to see a picture of me in that little strappy number. I have a vision in my mind, which could be totally off. I think Jon has some video footage. I kinda want to see it. And I kinda don't. How it looks to me will determine if I share it with you. Stay tuned.
9.03.2006
Day Sixty-Five
A beautiful day indeed, in Clovis, California. The wedding didn't start until 6:30pm and Jon and Reub didn't have to set up until 3:30pm so we got up and walked around Old Town. So quiet and peaceful on a Sunday morning. Everyone was at church. Wanna know how I know? Cuz the signs in all the shop windows around town read, "Hours of Operation: Mon-Fri 9-5, Sat 12-5, Sun - Worship the Lord."
As expected, I dropped the guys off at the house for set up and went back the hotel to get ready, only to try on every combination of outfit I had brought with me. And also as expected, I ended up with my first choice, what I'd had in mind all along. It seems the doubting never stops, even with seemingly small things like getting dressed for a wedding. I wore one of the strappy tops, and I felt really good in it. Not self-conscious, not fat. Dare I say there was a hint of confidence in the air? I don't know, this whole thing is just so strange. My self-image has come a long way, but it's still an uphill climb. I'm getting there.
The wedding and reception were absolutely the most beautiful I'd ever seen. Bride and Groom practically grew up together. The family was warm and welcoming. Close attention was paid to every detail. It was a very nice evening. As far as points are concerned, I didn't even venture a guess. Not that I think I did all that bad, but I'm positive I went over and I just want to enjoy the night for what it was. Will get back to strict counting tomorrow.
At the reception we sat with the minister and his wife and another couple from the church. Inevitably the topic of WW came up. The pastor's wife has been leaning toward trying WW as her sister has been on the program for some time. The other woman at the table did the program with her daughter. The daughter said, "It didn't work." Her mom corrected her with, "It worked, we just quit going." And the one thing that was unanimous at our table was you must attend the meetings. It's such a big help and encouragement. I couldn't agree more.
We'll head home in the morning. Can't wait to see Zaya. It's been a good break for me, but I miss that little guy. Not to mention that he keeps my activity points up. Adios, Clovis. Bon Voyage, Goodmans. May you enjoy every moment of life's journey together.
As expected, I dropped the guys off at the house for set up and went back the hotel to get ready, only to try on every combination of outfit I had brought with me. And also as expected, I ended up with my first choice, what I'd had in mind all along. It seems the doubting never stops, even with seemingly small things like getting dressed for a wedding. I wore one of the strappy tops, and I felt really good in it. Not self-conscious, not fat. Dare I say there was a hint of confidence in the air? I don't know, this whole thing is just so strange. My self-image has come a long way, but it's still an uphill climb. I'm getting there.
The wedding and reception were absolutely the most beautiful I'd ever seen. Bride and Groom practically grew up together. The family was warm and welcoming. Close attention was paid to every detail. It was a very nice evening. As far as points are concerned, I didn't even venture a guess. Not that I think I did all that bad, but I'm positive I went over and I just want to enjoy the night for what it was. Will get back to strict counting tomorrow.
At the reception we sat with the minister and his wife and another couple from the church. Inevitably the topic of WW came up. The pastor's wife has been leaning toward trying WW as her sister has been on the program for some time. The other woman at the table did the program with her daughter. The daughter said, "It didn't work." Her mom corrected her with, "It worked, we just quit going." And the one thing that was unanimous at our table was you must attend the meetings. It's such a big help and encouragement. I couldn't agree more.
We'll head home in the morning. Can't wait to see Zaya. It's been a good break for me, but I miss that little guy. Not to mention that he keeps my activity points up. Adios, Clovis. Bon Voyage, Goodmans. May you enjoy every moment of life's journey together.
9.02.2006
Day 64: Weigh In
So I stand corrected. We're not in Fresno, we're in Clovis. Had a nice drive up, the hotel is great. Spent the afternoon and evening with the Goodman and Gelardi families - really great people. It was an honor to be allowed the chance to witness the run through at the rehearsal and even more of an honor to have dinner and hear the bride and groom share sincere sentiments about their family and friends.
We ate at this great Mexican food place. On the way there I was trying to figure out what I could eat to stay within my daily points. When we arrived, Jon said, "let's just enjoy ourselves, not count points for the night." I struggled for a minute, then realized he was right. This WW journey is for the long haul. I shouldn't be trying to race through it to lose weight as fast as I can. I should take the time to enjoy the ride, and the celebratory moments, like tonight. And I'm glad I did.
I just realized I have yet to mention my weigh in today. I lost exactly 1 pound this week, for a grand total of 25.6. When you reach big milestones, like 25 and 50 pounds you get a WW magnet for the fridge. When I received my magnet today, I smiled because it says "I Did It!" It's a great reminder that I really did do it. Our leader Jim was asking about how we can ensure that we make it to our goal, to complete the rest of the picture that we have of ourselves as we'd like to be. Hands went up and people mentioned all of the important components of the program; counting your points, making exercise a priority, thining positively. All absolutely true. But for me the key has been reminding myself how far I have come. Considering that I never anticipated I could succeed at this, 25 pounds is simply amazing. It's not only a number that others pay attention to, it's a number that I pay attention to and that will motivate me to keep going.
There was a girl at the meeting today that I don't remember seeing before. She looked young. When Jim asked us what we hoped to accomplish on WW, she raised her hand and said that when she walks into a room, she doesn't want to be stared at. That really hit home for me. That's the mental part of struggling with your weight. I've felt exactly the same way. Even though I know it's probably not true, people are not always seeing my fat before they see me. But that's the way it feels. I felt so bad for this girl. And I hope that she keeps coming, that she commits to the program with her whole heart and celebrates her achievements. It is one of the hardest but most rewarding things she'll ever do.
We ate at this great Mexican food place. On the way there I was trying to figure out what I could eat to stay within my daily points. When we arrived, Jon said, "let's just enjoy ourselves, not count points for the night." I struggled for a minute, then realized he was right. This WW journey is for the long haul. I shouldn't be trying to race through it to lose weight as fast as I can. I should take the time to enjoy the ride, and the celebratory moments, like tonight. And I'm glad I did.
I just realized I have yet to mention my weigh in today. I lost exactly 1 pound this week, for a grand total of 25.6. When you reach big milestones, like 25 and 50 pounds you get a WW magnet for the fridge. When I received my magnet today, I smiled because it says "I Did It!" It's a great reminder that I really did do it. Our leader Jim was asking about how we can ensure that we make it to our goal, to complete the rest of the picture that we have of ourselves as we'd like to be. Hands went up and people mentioned all of the important components of the program; counting your points, making exercise a priority, thining positively. All absolutely true. But for me the key has been reminding myself how far I have come. Considering that I never anticipated I could succeed at this, 25 pounds is simply amazing. It's not only a number that others pay attention to, it's a number that I pay attention to and that will motivate me to keep going.
There was a girl at the meeting today that I don't remember seeing before. She looked young. When Jim asked us what we hoped to accomplish on WW, she raised her hand and said that when she walks into a room, she doesn't want to be stared at. That really hit home for me. That's the mental part of struggling with your weight. I've felt exactly the same way. Even though I know it's probably not true, people are not always seeing my fat before they see me. But that's the way it feels. I felt so bad for this girl. And I hope that she keeps coming, that she commits to the program with her whole heart and celebrates her achievements. It is one of the hardest but most rewarding things she'll ever do.
9.01.2006
Day Sixty-Three
Almost packed for Fresno. The house is ready for Zaya's weekend visitors, Nana and Papa. Very ready to have three days off in a row. And looking forward to the meeting tomorrow morning. Feeling somewhat heavy, but that's normal for me on the eve of weigh in. I still expect the worst sometimes. Finished out the week with thirteen points to spare. I only exercised twice this week, so I'm curious about the effects of that.
Feeling very content at the moment. New things and changes every day. I find that I welcome change now. It used to be a fear, now it's refreshing because I know what it's like to stay still too long.
Here's to a working weekend that will hopefully turn into a mini-vacation. For you faithful followers out there, I'm bringing my laptop. (Yes, Grady, just for you)
G'night.
Feeling very content at the moment. New things and changes every day. I find that I welcome change now. It used to be a fear, now it's refreshing because I know what it's like to stay still too long.
Here's to a working weekend that will hopefully turn into a mini-vacation. For you faithful followers out there, I'm bringing my laptop. (Yes, Grady, just for you)
G'night.
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