Day Seventy-Nine

It was a snacking day for some reason. Just felt like eating at all different times. That's when those 1 point sugar-free Jello Pudding Cups are my best friend. And after avoiding New England style Clam Chowder creaminess for 11 weeks, I had the Manhattan style for lunch today. It was really great, and a good way to get my veggies as well. Yes, yes, substitutions. That's the key.

Forgive me if I get a little stream-of-consciouness for a moment. Was just talking to my friend J and got into a discussion about appearance and attractiveness. This goes back to the stunningly beautiful bridal model that we met at a recent meeting. I showed her picture to my friend and his reaction was probably much the same as anyone's would be. She's one of those people that turns heads everywhere she goes. A presence, I guess that's what you'd call it. J and I talked about beauty and how everyone is beautiful in their own way. But how come there are just those people who there's no denying, they've got that something extra? It's not up for discussion, anyone would agree she's gorgeous.

And more importantly, why do I care so much? J said, "Carrie, there's nothing wrong with you." I know he's right, or at least I think I do. Especially now, when I'm feeling like there's "less wrong" with me than I've ever thought before. But we human beings are so easily distracted. I still want to have that something extra. Forgive me, God, it's total vanity. But our brains are wired that way sometimes.

Recently Jon asked how it felt to be 30 pounds lighter (in mind and body). Obviously, it's fanatastic. Something I never allowed myself to even dream about, yet here it is. I'm incredibly thankful. But it's also odd. Not that I don't recognize myself. Well maybe sometimes. But I've been looking back at old pictures of me and I just keep seeing that round face. Basically back to when I was a kid. It's interesting because some other people who struggle with weight can go back to pictures of when they were thin(ner). I really don't have much to go back to, so this whole experience is new to me still.

Reading back through this I realize it may sound like I'm depressed or something. Totally not the case. I am just fascinated by this entire process and my place in it. It's like I know myself better than ever, but simultaneously I'm coming to know a part of me that never existed before. It's the coexistence of the old and new, the known and the unknown. Really quite something to experience.