So here we are, on the eve of 2007. New experience, just new-ness in general waits around every corner. Things that are new, transition, change...it all used to scare me. And I guess it still does in some ways. But in other ways I look forward to not staying stagnant, to having opportunities. That was one of the things that I learned in 2006 - as scary as it can be to stray from our comfort zone, it can be very rewarding.
It's appropriate that the same day that closes out the year also closes out my first six months on WW. I started this journey on July 1st, 2006, kicking off the second half of the year. Depending on what you're talking about, six months can either seem like forever, or a split second. In my case, it passed really quickly, and my progress still surprises me. The holiday season posed a bit of a challenge and I allowed myself to indulge, as evidenced by my last weigh-in. Just for the record I'm up 1.8 lbs, current weight is 174.8. In the grand scheme of things, there's no way I can be disappointed. What I've gained through this experience that really matters is way more than just what I've lost in pounds.
Ok, 2007, I greet you with a smile. Here's to family, lots of good food, fantastic friends and losing 20 more pounds along the way. Jon and Zaya...more adventures await, thank you for your love. Mom and Rachel, I love you and miss you. Nana, Papa and Reub...thank you for supporting the journey. J, ending the year having such a good friend back is priceless. A, you're the best new friend/neighbor/coworker/shenanigans-maker one could ask for. G and A2, you guys are good medicine for a girl who loves to laugh. M, I know it's been a hectic year, but you're so close! I'm with ya. And to everyone who enriches my life in many, many ways, thank you just isn't enough. Always in my heart, never far from my thoughts.
Happy Year of New-ness.
12.31.2006
12.27.2006
Day One Hundred Fifty-Eight
What's going on with me? Wondering what I've been up to? Defeating the purpose, that's what I've been doing. Hiding from my blog, feeling really unmotivated to tell you where I'm at. Part of that includes revealing that I'm just like everyone else when it comes to eating my way through the holiday season. Don't get me wrong, it's been a great one. But I have been less than focused on good eating. Barely paying attention to points tracking. Splurging, to say the least. Everywhere you go, there's FOOD! The kind that tastes good and looks festive but isn't so good for the nutritional plan.
As far as stats, when I last left you, I had reached my 40 lbs. So to bring you up to speed, here's how the last two weigh-ins went:
Saturday, December 16th - gained 1.4 lbs. Was not a big surprise.
Saturday, December 23rd - lost 1.4 lbs. Was a HUGE surprise!!!
All things considered, I'm doing pretty well. Currently I weigh 173 lbs., and am still heading to 155. That's right, just 18 lbs. to go. Doesn't seem like all that much, and it's really not. Especially considering all that I was able to accomplish in just the second half of the year. But the fact is, it's far from easy.
The reason I said my lack of blogging is defeating the purpose is because I started this thing with the intention of documenting the ENTIRE journey. Good, bad, ugly and everything in between. Not just the weight loss victories. Not just the parts I like. All of it. So here I am, back to tell you it ain't all roses. And that's ok.
One of the things I never anticipated was uncovering more than just what I looked like under the physical weight. I've begun to see the me underneath the emotional weight, too. There's confidence now that's unfamiliar, both to me and those around me. My perspective has shifted, brought new things to light. There's transition ongoing, work being done. Kind of like peeling back the layers of an onion. I'm still the same person at the core, but new layers are being exposed. It just takes some getting used to. And what I'm learning is...that's ok, too.
So I'm still here. It's been an amazing, fantastic, emotionally-driven, educational, whirlwind of a year. I've lost some of me along the way and found even more. Equally exciting is the fact that I've re-discovered some of you, who have eagerly jumped on board, grabbed my hand and come along for the sometimes bumpy ride. You've carried my burdens, shouted my victories and celebrated me at every step. And that's why I'm here, not hiding anymore. I owe you my honesty, given as freely as the love you've given me. It's a crazy life, one that would be boring and lonely to be lived alone. In the words of Shakespeare (as spoken by Steve Martin in one of my all-time favorite movies, L.A. Story) you are "wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful, wonderful! And yet again, wonderful." And I love you.
As far as stats, when I last left you, I had reached my 40 lbs. So to bring you up to speed, here's how the last two weigh-ins went:
Saturday, December 16th - gained 1.4 lbs. Was not a big surprise.
Saturday, December 23rd - lost 1.4 lbs. Was a HUGE surprise!!!
All things considered, I'm doing pretty well. Currently I weigh 173 lbs., and am still heading to 155. That's right, just 18 lbs. to go. Doesn't seem like all that much, and it's really not. Especially considering all that I was able to accomplish in just the second half of the year. But the fact is, it's far from easy.
The reason I said my lack of blogging is defeating the purpose is because I started this thing with the intention of documenting the ENTIRE journey. Good, bad, ugly and everything in between. Not just the weight loss victories. Not just the parts I like. All of it. So here I am, back to tell you it ain't all roses. And that's ok.
One of the things I never anticipated was uncovering more than just what I looked like under the physical weight. I've begun to see the me underneath the emotional weight, too. There's confidence now that's unfamiliar, both to me and those around me. My perspective has shifted, brought new things to light. There's transition ongoing, work being done. Kind of like peeling back the layers of an onion. I'm still the same person at the core, but new layers are being exposed. It just takes some getting used to. And what I'm learning is...that's ok, too.
So I'm still here. It's been an amazing, fantastic, emotionally-driven, educational, whirlwind of a year. I've lost some of me along the way and found even more. Equally exciting is the fact that I've re-discovered some of you, who have eagerly jumped on board, grabbed my hand and come along for the sometimes bumpy ride. You've carried my burdens, shouted my victories and celebrated me at every step. And that's why I'm here, not hiding anymore. I owe you my honesty, given as freely as the love you've given me. It's a crazy life, one that would be boring and lonely to be lived alone. In the words of Shakespeare (as spoken by Steve Martin in one of my all-time favorite movies, L.A. Story) you are "wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful, wonderful! And yet again, wonderful." And I love you.
12.10.2006
Day 141: Weigh In
What is it about December...there's just food EVERYWHERE! And not like trays of carrots or anything, I'm talking big, heavy, sugary, fatty food all dressed up in red and green with chocolate sprinkles. It's everywhere I go. I have to say I think I've been pretty good about avoiding it. Sure I've nibbled here and there. But I haven't overindulged as of yet. It's easier to stay on target now that I'm back to tracking my daily points more consistently.
Weigh in today reflected that I've regained some focus. I lost .8 of a pound this week, so I'm down a total of 40.4 lbs. My current weight is 173 exactly. And I couldn't be more pleased. This comes after having several weeks with only one exercise day, so it was a nice surprise. And again, just like when I reached the 30 lb. mark, reaching a round number makes me feel really accomplished. For some reason 39.6 sounds ok, but 40.4 sounds like, WOW!
This loss also comes after my big day out at the Happiest Place on Earth. Jon and I took a Disney trip yesterday in celebration of my birthday. And I knew what I wanted first thing, too. The cafe on Main Street serves the most amazing cinnamon rolls in the entire world. Dripping with icing, warm from the oven. Of course I failed to remember how ENORMOUSLY HUGE they are. But I did not try to finish it. Didn't even come close. I never eat stuff like that anymore, so it was a treat, to say the least. And to compensate, I didn't eat much more til dinner at The StoryTellers Cafe that night.
I'm proud to say that dinner was tasty beyond explanation and points-friendly as well. It consisted of broiled swordfish, fresh veggies and mashed potatoes, and this:
Yeah, so what if you won't find the chocolate covered, chocloate mousse-y, yummy cake Mickey dessert in the WW points guide. All you need to know is that it made me do this:
Weigh in today reflected that I've regained some focus. I lost .8 of a pound this week, so I'm down a total of 40.4 lbs. My current weight is 173 exactly. And I couldn't be more pleased. This comes after having several weeks with only one exercise day, so it was a nice surprise. And again, just like when I reached the 30 lb. mark, reaching a round number makes me feel really accomplished. For some reason 39.6 sounds ok, but 40.4 sounds like, WOW!
This loss also comes after my big day out at the Happiest Place on Earth. Jon and I took a Disney trip yesterday in celebration of my birthday. And I knew what I wanted first thing, too. The cafe on Main Street serves the most amazing cinnamon rolls in the entire world. Dripping with icing, warm from the oven. Of course I failed to remember how ENORMOUSLY HUGE they are. But I did not try to finish it. Didn't even come close. I never eat stuff like that anymore, so it was a treat, to say the least. And to compensate, I didn't eat much more til dinner at The StoryTellers Cafe that night.
I'm proud to say that dinner was tasty beyond explanation and points-friendly as well. It consisted of broiled swordfish, fresh veggies and mashed potatoes, and this:
Yeah, so what if you won't find the chocolate covered, chocloate mousse-y, yummy cake Mickey dessert in the WW points guide. All you need to know is that it made me do this:
12.02.2006
Day 134: Weigh In
Just the facts, ma'am. Weigh in was very good. I got rid of those Thanksgiving pounds and then some in one week's time. Sure aren't gonna hear me complain about that! I lost 2.8 lbs. this week for a total of 39.6 lbs. lost. I'm currently at 173.8. These results are hugely motivating and confirm the difference that all the little things make. I went back to nonfat milk, tracked my points consistently every day and faithfully stuck to my "take one, not two" rule. Those little things really add up to success for me, so if it ain't broke, why fix it.
I also need to mention the wonderfully supportive e-mail I received this week from one of my best life-long friends. We don't see each other much anymore, life tends to get in the way of that, but our bond is a strong one. She was responding to the most recent batch of Z pictures that I e-mailed out to our friends and family list. Out of 19 pictures, I am in two of them, holding Z in front of me. From those two pictures, she apparently noticed the weight loss. Her response was this:
I also have to give a shout out to A2, who co-hosted a wonderful party tonight AND made a very tasty WW dessert recipe. My mouth thanks you. And so does my daily points tracker.
I also need to mention the wonderfully supportive e-mail I received this week from one of my best life-long friends. We don't see each other much anymore, life tends to get in the way of that, but our bond is a strong one. She was responding to the most recent batch of Z pictures that I e-mailed out to our friends and family list. Out of 19 pictures, I am in two of them, holding Z in front of me. From those two pictures, she apparently noticed the weight loss. Her response was this:
"I'm so proud of you, not because you needed to lose the weight, but because I understand first hand how very difficult a journey it can be. I can't help it, I'm really excited for you, and you're such an inspiration!"This, to me, is huge. Coming from someone I've always looked up to and wanted to be like. In school, she attracted attention. She's smart, funny, attractive, was a cheerleader, always had more confidence than I did. I grew up feeling like the tag-along friend whenever I was around her. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death and she never looked at me like a person with a weight problem. But my poor image of myself was highlighted by the shining-star image of her that lived in my head. So to hear from her regarding the topic of weight loss is a big deal. Thank you, C, your encouragement means more than I think you realize.
I also have to give a shout out to A2, who co-hosted a wonderful party tonight AND made a very tasty WW dessert recipe. My mouth thanks you. And so does my daily points tracker.
11.25.2006
Day 127: Weigh In
Well, I can't blame this on the turkey...just got home from weighing in. It wasn't pretty. To be honest, I did expect to gain this week, that part's not a surprise. But 2 WHOLE POUNDS! Talk about motivation to get back on track.
Honestly, this really had nothing to do with Thanksgiving. Sure I probably ate a bit more on that day than usual, but I can pinpoint a lot of little things that I've been changing gradually that are sure contributors to the gain. I stopped buying nonfat milk about a month ago, because it's been more convenient to buy lowfat in larger quantities for Z. I started eating his sugary, flavored oatmeals instead of plain. I have not been consistently measuring portions. I've been indulging in the FANTASTIC regular granola topping at Golden Spoon, instead of the non-fat variety (which I should note is good as well). And I've been squeezing in extra points without really keeping track. Two tortillas instead of one here, two pudding cups instead of one there. It all adds up, and I know that.
So I'm not going to wallow, I'm going to use this as an opportunity to kick myself into action. I've been trying to organize a good winter workout schedule. Sunday mornings at the gym or the park are looking good. I've just gotta get at least another two days in there. I miss exercise when I don't get it. I miss feeling better physically and knowing that I've stayed committed.
We had a good meeting this morning. Fewer people than usual...post-Thanksgiving scares people. One of the questions Jim asked was, "What do you know now (since joining WW) that you didn't know then?" I raised my hand and said, "That I really can do it." I walked into that first meeting feeling desperate but expecting nothing really significant to happen. I thought I was just "supposed to be fat" all my life. Like it was a given. And I didn't believe in myself at all. Didn't think I had a chance. Boy, was I wrong.
So I just tracked the points for my breakfast. And I am excited about re-focusing...again. It happens, what can I say. Today is a new day. So if you'll excuse me, I have a date with all new opportunities...
Honestly, this really had nothing to do with Thanksgiving. Sure I probably ate a bit more on that day than usual, but I can pinpoint a lot of little things that I've been changing gradually that are sure contributors to the gain. I stopped buying nonfat milk about a month ago, because it's been more convenient to buy lowfat in larger quantities for Z. I started eating his sugary, flavored oatmeals instead of plain. I have not been consistently measuring portions. I've been indulging in the FANTASTIC regular granola topping at Golden Spoon, instead of the non-fat variety (which I should note is good as well). And I've been squeezing in extra points without really keeping track. Two tortillas instead of one here, two pudding cups instead of one there. It all adds up, and I know that.
So I'm not going to wallow, I'm going to use this as an opportunity to kick myself into action. I've been trying to organize a good winter workout schedule. Sunday mornings at the gym or the park are looking good. I've just gotta get at least another two days in there. I miss exercise when I don't get it. I miss feeling better physically and knowing that I've stayed committed.
We had a good meeting this morning. Fewer people than usual...post-Thanksgiving scares people. One of the questions Jim asked was, "What do you know now (since joining WW) that you didn't know then?" I raised my hand and said, "That I really can do it." I walked into that first meeting feeling desperate but expecting nothing really significant to happen. I thought I was just "supposed to be fat" all my life. Like it was a given. And I didn't believe in myself at all. Didn't think I had a chance. Boy, was I wrong.
So I just tracked the points for my breakfast. And I am excited about re-focusing...again. It happens, what can I say. Today is a new day. So if you'll excuse me, I have a date with all new opportunities...
11.24.2006
Day One Hundred Twenty-Six
Well, I survived it. The big Thanksgiving feast. I'm pretty positive that I overindulged a bit. The nice thing is that I only had one plate, did not go back for seconds and thirds as in years past. I didn't even eat anything later in the day...usually there would be another helping at dinner time. But this year, I ate what I wanted to and was satisfied. The satisfaction I have within myself and for my accomplishments just made everything taste twice as good.
Then came today...the day after Thanksgiving is always one I look forward to. No, I am not a shopper, you won't find me in any 5am lines on Black Friday. For me the day after the holiday is a rest, the real vacation. And today was just that. Jon went to a volleyball game and then out to the OC to work on a video project, so it was just team Carrie and Zaya. The house was quiet. I read some of the book that's been sitting on my night table. I revisited my favorite Jon Cusack movies. I lounged...something I NEVER get to do. This day has been a long time coming.
I also spent a little time looking at photographs of myself and my family and friends. It occurred to me that those of you following along at home who don't see me regularly are probably curious what a weight loss of almost 39 lbs. looks like. I've talked so much about changes, both physical and emotional, but it's really hard to visualize. So I've decided to post a visual progress report here. The following are photos taken almost exactly six months apart. The photo on the left was taken on May 16th, 2006 and the one on the right was taken yesterday morning, November 23rd. I'm doing this as much for myself as I am for you. When I look in the mirror, my eyes go directly to the flaws and faults. This is a good way for me to remind myself where I am and where I've been.
Then came today...the day after Thanksgiving is always one I look forward to. No, I am not a shopper, you won't find me in any 5am lines on Black Friday. For me the day after the holiday is a rest, the real vacation. And today was just that. Jon went to a volleyball game and then out to the OC to work on a video project, so it was just team Carrie and Zaya. The house was quiet. I read some of the book that's been sitting on my night table. I revisited my favorite Jon Cusack movies. I lounged...something I NEVER get to do. This day has been a long time coming.
I also spent a little time looking at photographs of myself and my family and friends. It occurred to me that those of you following along at home who don't see me regularly are probably curious what a weight loss of almost 39 lbs. looks like. I've talked so much about changes, both physical and emotional, but it's really hard to visualize. So I've decided to post a visual progress report here. The following are photos taken almost exactly six months apart. The photo on the left was taken on May 16th, 2006 and the one on the right was taken yesterday morning, November 23rd. I'm doing this as much for myself as I am for you. When I look in the mirror, my eyes go directly to the flaws and faults. This is a good way for me to remind myself where I am and where I've been.
11.20.2006
Call me crazy...
...but they're not half bad! Thanks to J for introducing me to a new snack. And yes, you can taste the buttery caramel...sorta.
Day One Hundred Forty-Two
Two blogs in two consecutive days...this is quite an accomplishment for me! Maybe this means I'm back on track. Maybe my focus is back, just in time for the holidays! (Or it could possibly be that my boss is out of town and I'm finding myself with a little spare time at work. Eh, why ask why?)
Yesterday was good. Got in some early morning exercise, stuck to my points and had an evening out in Long Beach. Went to see a special screening of the Freedom Writers movie. Jon and I have a history with the Freedom Writers going back about 10 years. I was working at B&N in Long Beach right around the time that Erin Gruwell, an incredible first time teacher, was taking her first steps to make a tremendous difference in the lives of some kids who needed a break. The bookstore became a focal point for their journey and I was priveledged to be along for the ride. Last night was the first time in years I've seen Erin or "the girls," three of the students who became good friends. It was a bit surreal to see their stories on the big screen. A great story, ten years in the making.
And just to keep me honest, I have to share my irritated moment of the night. There is a scene in the film where Erin gives each of her students a bag of new books, something most of these kids had never had before. Much to my dismay, the camera shows Erin standing in front of a table filled to capacity with "Borders" bags. I had to laugh to myself. Only myself and a handful of B&N booksellers know that it was in fact our store that put these bags together. Using my own two hands. You may think this is a petty point to bring up. I only mention it because it's so typical of B&N...to screw up an endorsement deal of this magnitude. That company has a history of specializing in bad decisions. C'est la vie.
So here I am at work fighting off the craving to jump into the tub of chocolate that sits behind my desk. After having already sampled a few pieces. Maybe I'll just continue blogging for the rest of the day to keep my fingers occupied...
Yesterday was good. Got in some early morning exercise, stuck to my points and had an evening out in Long Beach. Went to see a special screening of the Freedom Writers movie. Jon and I have a history with the Freedom Writers going back about 10 years. I was working at B&N in Long Beach right around the time that Erin Gruwell, an incredible first time teacher, was taking her first steps to make a tremendous difference in the lives of some kids who needed a break. The bookstore became a focal point for their journey and I was priveledged to be along for the ride. Last night was the first time in years I've seen Erin or "the girls," three of the students who became good friends. It was a bit surreal to see their stories on the big screen. A great story, ten years in the making.
And just to keep me honest, I have to share my irritated moment of the night. There is a scene in the film where Erin gives each of her students a bag of new books, something most of these kids had never had before. Much to my dismay, the camera shows Erin standing in front of a table filled to capacity with "Borders" bags. I had to laugh to myself. Only myself and a handful of B&N booksellers know that it was in fact our store that put these bags together. Using my own two hands. You may think this is a petty point to bring up. I only mention it because it's so typical of B&N...to screw up an endorsement deal of this magnitude. That company has a history of specializing in bad decisions. C'est la vie.
So here I am at work fighting off the craving to jump into the tub of chocolate that sits behind my desk. After having already sampled a few pieces. Maybe I'll just continue blogging for the rest of the day to keep my fingers occupied...
11.18.2006
Day 140: Weigh In
So let's just say for two weeks now I've been lazy. My attitude has been kinda like "tracking schmacking" to say the least. I told Jon I think my mind has convinced me that I'll remember what I'm eating. And we don't really keep bad food in the house anymore, so I must be doing ok, right? But ultimately, it's just downright laziness. So as I sit here and type this blog entry, I am simultaneously looking up my points for the day. Tracking points has worked for me thus far, so I can't give up on it now.
Luckily, my careless attitude hasn't been my downfall. Went back to WW after a week off and weighed in at 174.6 lbs. That's down 1.4 lbs for a total loss of 38.8. I was amazed, yet again. Aside from not calculating my food intake, I also only exercised once this week. So I wasn't expecting good results. Not to mention that the one time I did exercise, I went to the gym after work without having eaten anything that day...not a winning combination. Let's just say Carrie learned an important lesson about nutrition and exercise that day. Ended up sitting in a chair looking out the window eating a nutritional bar and hoping she could walk out unassisted. She won't be testing that rule again.
Today's meeting was all about Thanksgiving. It seems to be the one day a year that drives WWers over the edge. We did an exercise where we actually mapped out our typical Thanksgiving meal on paper plates. Then came the calculation of points. People had all kinds of suggestions like, "Don't let any of your food items touch each other on your plate." The idea being that you'll leave space between foods and won't over do it, I guess. But I think it really comes down to common sense. Of course it doesn't hurt that my mother-in-law, the Thanksgiving Day chef, is a WWer too and she'll be making some lower fat substitutions with some ingredients. Thanks, Mama! I won't tell the other guests your secret recipes.
The frustrating thing is that I'm 20 pounds away from my goal weight, and I know exactly where those 20 pounds are. Sitting right on my stomach and thighs, where I can see them everyday. They're taunting me. The weight loss is visible to me in my face, my arms, my legs, my waist. But that darn stomach is a stubborn...well, I won't get into name-calling. I kinda knew the last pounds would be the hardest. And I'm sure it will get even more challenging. All the more reason to stick with it.
So if I'm lacking in my blog skills this week, as I have been in weeks past, let me take this opportunity to wish you all a Happy Turkey Day. Hug your loved ones, remember all that you have. This WW journey is only one of many things I am thankful for this year. Each one of you is high on that list as well.
Luckily, my careless attitude hasn't been my downfall. Went back to WW after a week off and weighed in at 174.6 lbs. That's down 1.4 lbs for a total loss of 38.8. I was amazed, yet again. Aside from not calculating my food intake, I also only exercised once this week. So I wasn't expecting good results. Not to mention that the one time I did exercise, I went to the gym after work without having eaten anything that day...not a winning combination. Let's just say Carrie learned an important lesson about nutrition and exercise that day. Ended up sitting in a chair looking out the window eating a nutritional bar and hoping she could walk out unassisted. She won't be testing that rule again.
Today's meeting was all about Thanksgiving. It seems to be the one day a year that drives WWers over the edge. We did an exercise where we actually mapped out our typical Thanksgiving meal on paper plates. Then came the calculation of points. People had all kinds of suggestions like, "Don't let any of your food items touch each other on your plate." The idea being that you'll leave space between foods and won't over do it, I guess. But I think it really comes down to common sense. Of course it doesn't hurt that my mother-in-law, the Thanksgiving Day chef, is a WWer too and she'll be making some lower fat substitutions with some ingredients. Thanks, Mama! I won't tell the other guests your secret recipes.
The frustrating thing is that I'm 20 pounds away from my goal weight, and I know exactly where those 20 pounds are. Sitting right on my stomach and thighs, where I can see them everyday. They're taunting me. The weight loss is visible to me in my face, my arms, my legs, my waist. But that darn stomach is a stubborn...well, I won't get into name-calling. I kinda knew the last pounds would be the hardest. And I'm sure it will get even more challenging. All the more reason to stick with it.
So if I'm lacking in my blog skills this week, as I have been in weeks past, let me take this opportunity to wish you all a Happy Turkey Day. Hug your loved ones, remember all that you have. This WW journey is only one of many things I am thankful for this year. Each one of you is high on that list as well.
11.11.2006
Day One Hundred Thirty-Three
I have no idea what I weigh right now, since there was no WW meeting today. But I kinda like it that way for some reason.
Kicked off the week with some eating extremes. Started out my day with breakfast from Farmer's Market. Egg white omelet, mushrooms and tomatoes. The end of the day, however, brought lots of goodies at a family party, including chocolate cake from King's Hawaiian. Yes, a whole slice. And did I mention the M&M's?
The greatest moment of the night came when I was being greeted by a relative of Jon's who hadn't seen me in awhile. She hugged me and said, "Hey, skinny. Pretty soon I won't be able to see you anymore." I was instantly struck by the irony of that statement. I realized that the harder I work at this and the more weight I lose, off my body and mind, the more of the real me is visible to others. People are just now starting to see Carrie. And it feels really good.
Kicked off the week with some eating extremes. Started out my day with breakfast from Farmer's Market. Egg white omelet, mushrooms and tomatoes. The end of the day, however, brought lots of goodies at a family party, including chocolate cake from King's Hawaiian. Yes, a whole slice. And did I mention the M&M's?
The greatest moment of the night came when I was being greeted by a relative of Jon's who hadn't seen me in awhile. She hugged me and said, "Hey, skinny. Pretty soon I won't be able to see you anymore." I was instantly struck by the irony of that statement. I realized that the harder I work at this and the more weight I lose, off my body and mind, the more of the real me is visible to others. People are just now starting to see Carrie. And it feels really good.
11.10.2006
Day One Hundred Thirty-Two
Happy Friday, everyone. It's been a good week. I've been lacking in my tracking (didn't mean to do that, honest!), but I'm feeling great.
Went back to the gym with J yesterday. My feelings about going there are totally different now. That first trip obviously was breaking down the wall, now it's about slowly building confidence. We did some more weight training before doing some cardio. I didn't want to do the treadmill, because that's something that I'm used to. Really wanted to try something new. So I step on the elliptical, J sets it for 30 minutes, and two minutes later I'm seeing my life flash before my eyes. My legs were burning and I thought I might die. I know this sounds dramatic, but I was truly convinced that if I made it to five minutes, it would be only through an act of God. J kept saying, "You'll be fine. Try for fifteen." That seemed completely impossible. But I stuck with it. And when I made it to fifteen minutes, I decided I'd stay on for twenty. And when twenty came, I knew I could make it to thirty. And I did.
This was a good reminder to me about how mental this process is. Don't get me wrong, the pain I was feeling was OBVIOUSLY physical, but it allowed me to convince myself that I couldn't accomplish my goal. The mind is so powerful sometimes. That's why we have to stay focused, so we don't allow it to talk us out of the things that, deep down, we know we can and should be doing.
In the evening, Jon and I made it out to a book talk that I had so been looking forward to. It did not disappoint. Frank Warren, the founder of PostSecret (If you haven't been there, go there! Right now!), spoke about the project and signed two of the book compilations. Basically, it's a community art project where people send in secrets on postcards. Frank, all on his own, picks up thousands of these postcards from his very own mailbox each week, reads and catalogs them, and posts some on the website. They are fascinating. More than the actual cards themselves, it's about people finding common ground, learning about themselves by reading the secrets of others. I was inspired by this one individual and the massive movement he has started. And it all started with a simple idea, a simple act. I think there's a lot to be learned from that.
I also couldn't help but think about myself, my own secrets. We've all got them, things you don't share for a variety of reasons. Things about your past, things about your present. And I realized that one of the secrets I carried for so many years, my own self-loathing, has been exposed to the light. It's not a secret anymore. That's how this blog got started in the first place. It's just me telling you where my head has been in relation to my body. I hadn't realized this was even a secret until I started to tell more people about the blog. The reactions I usually got were, "Wow, I never knew you felt this way." Which told me a lot about the masks I was wearing and taught me how to take them off. Shedding pounds off of my body has become shedding tons off my soul.
So there's no weigh-in tomorrow. I get the morning off. I'm hoping that by next week's WW meeting I will have reached 175 lbs...maybe even 174. Who knows. It's just nice to not be bound by the numbers. Well not all the time, anyway. I find myself really enjoying moments, which includes food and exercise, rather than obsessing over my weight. What a refreshing feeling.
Oh, and I know I've been a little shout-out-happy recently, but I can't help it. I have to give kudos to A, for taking chances, following a dream, being willing to learn more about herself. And to J who is finishing up his first week at a great new job. And to M, who is slaving away at work and school, but is always ready with a hug (even a virtual one). You guys are awesome...thanks for listening to all the ramblings of this crazy fat girl.
Went back to the gym with J yesterday. My feelings about going there are totally different now. That first trip obviously was breaking down the wall, now it's about slowly building confidence. We did some more weight training before doing some cardio. I didn't want to do the treadmill, because that's something that I'm used to. Really wanted to try something new. So I step on the elliptical, J sets it for 30 minutes, and two minutes later I'm seeing my life flash before my eyes. My legs were burning and I thought I might die. I know this sounds dramatic, but I was truly convinced that if I made it to five minutes, it would be only through an act of God. J kept saying, "You'll be fine. Try for fifteen." That seemed completely impossible. But I stuck with it. And when I made it to fifteen minutes, I decided I'd stay on for twenty. And when twenty came, I knew I could make it to thirty. And I did.
This was a good reminder to me about how mental this process is. Don't get me wrong, the pain I was feeling was OBVIOUSLY physical, but it allowed me to convince myself that I couldn't accomplish my goal. The mind is so powerful sometimes. That's why we have to stay focused, so we don't allow it to talk us out of the things that, deep down, we know we can and should be doing.
In the evening, Jon and I made it out to a book talk that I had so been looking forward to. It did not disappoint. Frank Warren, the founder of PostSecret (If you haven't been there, go there! Right now!), spoke about the project and signed two of the book compilations. Basically, it's a community art project where people send in secrets on postcards. Frank, all on his own, picks up thousands of these postcards from his very own mailbox each week, reads and catalogs them, and posts some on the website. They are fascinating. More than the actual cards themselves, it's about people finding common ground, learning about themselves by reading the secrets of others. I was inspired by this one individual and the massive movement he has started. And it all started with a simple idea, a simple act. I think there's a lot to be learned from that.
I also couldn't help but think about myself, my own secrets. We've all got them, things you don't share for a variety of reasons. Things about your past, things about your present. And I realized that one of the secrets I carried for so many years, my own self-loathing, has been exposed to the light. It's not a secret anymore. That's how this blog got started in the first place. It's just me telling you where my head has been in relation to my body. I hadn't realized this was even a secret until I started to tell more people about the blog. The reactions I usually got were, "Wow, I never knew you felt this way." Which told me a lot about the masks I was wearing and taught me how to take them off. Shedding pounds off of my body has become shedding tons off my soul.
So there's no weigh-in tomorrow. I get the morning off. I'm hoping that by next week's WW meeting I will have reached 175 lbs...maybe even 174. Who knows. It's just nice to not be bound by the numbers. Well not all the time, anyway. I find myself really enjoying moments, which includes food and exercise, rather than obsessing over my weight. What a refreshing feeling.
Oh, and I know I've been a little shout-out-happy recently, but I can't help it. I have to give kudos to A, for taking chances, following a dream, being willing to learn more about herself. And to J who is finishing up his first week at a great new job. And to M, who is slaving away at work and school, but is always ready with a hug (even a virtual one). You guys are awesome...thanks for listening to all the ramblings of this crazy fat girl.
11.06.2006
Day One Hundred Twenty-Eight
Two words...french fries! Yes, I ate them. And two hot dogs as well. Right after I finished saying I'm gonna stay focused. You know what this means? Two things:
- We need to go grocery shopping.
- The gym is calling my name! (Just not over the loudspeaker this time, hopefully)
11.05.2006
Day One Hundred Twenty-Seven
Facts, figures and fears. These are three of the things that have played a very important role in my weight loss journey. Finally facing the fact that I had let myself get far beyond the point I ever wanted to be - that's what got me to go to WW. Realizing that I have the power to change the numbers on the scale, the figures - that has motivated me to continue. And conquering fears that I have carried with me for thirty years - that's been the great reward.
We'll begin with the facts and figures of this weekend. I was definitely more focused in the last half of the week. Got back to tracking my points and tried new exercise (which I'll get to a little later). The result was a really good weigh-in day. I lost 1.4 lbs. last week, for a total loss of 37.4 lbs. I'm now at 176! It's still surreal for me to realize that I don't weigh over 200 lbs. anymore. I defined myself that way for so long. I'm only 21 lbs. away from my goal, which seems so reachable to me now.
This was also a monumental week for me in that I faced a huge fear, one that has been with me for years. I went to the gym for the very first time. Yes, ever. Had never stepped foot inside the doors of a gym before. Those of you who have been reading this blog since the beginning or if you've gone back and read some of the early entries, you know how emotional of an experience this has been for me. You have an idea of the level of insecurity I've fought against for most of my life. That's why the concept of going to work out - something so common to most people - has seemed completely out of reach for me. The thought of exercising in front of, heaven forbid, PEOPLE, has scared me to death. Don't get me wrong, my mind understands that not everyone who goes to the gym is a hot babe. They're just regular people, I get that. But somehow I've always seen myself as "below" any of those people because I was so unhappy with the way that I looked.
So thanks to my good friend J, who has a free guest pass on his gym membership, I decided to take the plunge. When we parked the car I actually said, "I'll just stay here and wait while you go work out." I couldn't imagine walking in those doors. And the level of anxiety within me rose with each step toward the building. Which is why I thought I was going to fall over and die when the guy at the counter promptly took my ID and announced to the entire gym that I was a first-timer. Surprisingly enough, after being completely horrified, I was much more at ease.
We headed upstairs to do some weight training...something I've never done before. I couldn't tell you what all the different machines were if my life depended on it. But I learned a lot. And I was thrilled because I know that aside from general weight loss, toning up is another part of my goal. I'm not trying to get fancy, just firm up and be fit. Trying all this new stuff was a really great experience. And while I still lack a lot of confidence when it comes to working out in a social environment like that, I can safely say that I'm excited and looking forward to the next opportunity to go back. So tonight's shout out is to J, for opening the door and helping me take that huge first step.
I'd also like to say thanks to A, who joined me last night for my first "girls night out" in a really long time. We had a great dinner, saw a fantastic show, and dessert was...frankly, amazing. Totally way out of my points range (fresh warm cookies and ice cream to die for, enough said), but completely worth it. A, you are the best date ever. And I have to say that I recognize, if it were not for the weight loss and my changing self-image, I would have passed over an opportunity like this. Taking the time to go out and have fun means that I accept myself more, and don't worry so much about what I look like.
So I guess there's another word I need to add to the list. Facts, figures, fears, and best of all friends. You know who you are. Thank you for being a part of the journey.
We'll begin with the facts and figures of this weekend. I was definitely more focused in the last half of the week. Got back to tracking my points and tried new exercise (which I'll get to a little later). The result was a really good weigh-in day. I lost 1.4 lbs. last week, for a total loss of 37.4 lbs. I'm now at 176! It's still surreal for me to realize that I don't weigh over 200 lbs. anymore. I defined myself that way for so long. I'm only 21 lbs. away from my goal, which seems so reachable to me now.
This was also a monumental week for me in that I faced a huge fear, one that has been with me for years. I went to the gym for the very first time. Yes, ever. Had never stepped foot inside the doors of a gym before. Those of you who have been reading this blog since the beginning or if you've gone back and read some of the early entries, you know how emotional of an experience this has been for me. You have an idea of the level of insecurity I've fought against for most of my life. That's why the concept of going to work out - something so common to most people - has seemed completely out of reach for me. The thought of exercising in front of, heaven forbid, PEOPLE, has scared me to death. Don't get me wrong, my mind understands that not everyone who goes to the gym is a hot babe. They're just regular people, I get that. But somehow I've always seen myself as "below" any of those people because I was so unhappy with the way that I looked.
So thanks to my good friend J, who has a free guest pass on his gym membership, I decided to take the plunge. When we parked the car I actually said, "I'll just stay here and wait while you go work out." I couldn't imagine walking in those doors. And the level of anxiety within me rose with each step toward the building. Which is why I thought I was going to fall over and die when the guy at the counter promptly took my ID and announced to the entire gym that I was a first-timer. Surprisingly enough, after being completely horrified, I was much more at ease.
We headed upstairs to do some weight training...something I've never done before. I couldn't tell you what all the different machines were if my life depended on it. But I learned a lot. And I was thrilled because I know that aside from general weight loss, toning up is another part of my goal. I'm not trying to get fancy, just firm up and be fit. Trying all this new stuff was a really great experience. And while I still lack a lot of confidence when it comes to working out in a social environment like that, I can safely say that I'm excited and looking forward to the next opportunity to go back. So tonight's shout out is to J, for opening the door and helping me take that huge first step.
I'd also like to say thanks to A, who joined me last night for my first "girls night out" in a really long time. We had a great dinner, saw a fantastic show, and dessert was...frankly, amazing. Totally way out of my points range (fresh warm cookies and ice cream to die for, enough said), but completely worth it. A, you are the best date ever. And I have to say that I recognize, if it were not for the weight loss and my changing self-image, I would have passed over an opportunity like this. Taking the time to go out and have fun means that I accept myself more, and don't worry so much about what I look like.
So I guess there's another word I need to add to the list. Facts, figures, fears, and best of all friends. You know who you are. Thank you for being a part of the journey.
11.01.2006
Day One Hundred Twenty-Three
Have you taken a look at your calendars, people? IT'S NOVEMBER! How did this happen? It's been over a week since my last post, which should give you a glimpse of what October was like for me. For all the planning and preparations, it was a great month, filled with lots of reasons to be thankul. Pass the Light was beyond what I had expected, Z's birthday was a blast and he definitely can't complain...we're STILL opening gifts and filling up the recycle bin with cardboard packaging! Not to mention our second consecutive year of participation in Make a Difference Day, gathering with a group of really supportive people to do some good. Throughout the month, everything was moving so fast, I found myself just looking to get to the next thing. That was, of course, until Elena stepped in with this much needed reminder of why we do what we do.
So in the midst of all the chaos, something had to give. Unfortunately it was WW. Not that I've fallen completely off the wagon. But the past few weeks have been filled with "convenient eating," no tracking my points, way less exercise, that sorta thing. Which is probably another reason I haven't been blogging...didn't want to get discouraged by seeing it all there in black and white.
Naturally, based on recent behavioral slips, I was expecting the worst on weigh-in day. I was looking to have gained about five pounds or so. Actually, what I told Jon was, "I'll be happy if I've gained less than five pounds, but I'm expecting it to be closer to ten." When I got to WW, I immediately told Jim that it wasn't going to be pretty. I step on the scale and he says, "Well, it could be a lot worse." Up only 0.2lbs! I couldn't believe it. I'm sure there were other WWers who came in that morning and were discouraged to be up 0.2, but I drove home smiling and upon entering the house announced that I had never been so happy to gain weight! And it was completely true.
So here it is, November. The start of a season of eating for everyone. But I'm excited because this is my get-back-on-track month. Literally, with tracking my food intake. It just has to be done. I can tell myself all I want that I'll remember what I ate and account for it later, but writing it down is what really works. And staying committed to exercise is key. What's nice is that I actually look forward to opportunities for activity now, I don't run from them. So I'm more inclined to keep the commitment. I'm not gonna let the Thanksgiving turkey and Christmas ham wear me down.
Welcome to a new day. Each one is a blessing. I've taken inventory of all the previous days and put them in their place where they add up to exactly where I am right at this moment. The key is to make sure they stay in their place and aren't allowed to redirect my future. My past is part of me, but I am not my past. I am my right now.
So in the midst of all the chaos, something had to give. Unfortunately it was WW. Not that I've fallen completely off the wagon. But the past few weeks have been filled with "convenient eating," no tracking my points, way less exercise, that sorta thing. Which is probably another reason I haven't been blogging...didn't want to get discouraged by seeing it all there in black and white.
Naturally, based on recent behavioral slips, I was expecting the worst on weigh-in day. I was looking to have gained about five pounds or so. Actually, what I told Jon was, "I'll be happy if I've gained less than five pounds, but I'm expecting it to be closer to ten." When I got to WW, I immediately told Jim that it wasn't going to be pretty. I step on the scale and he says, "Well, it could be a lot worse." Up only 0.2lbs! I couldn't believe it. I'm sure there were other WWers who came in that morning and were discouraged to be up 0.2, but I drove home smiling and upon entering the house announced that I had never been so happy to gain weight! And it was completely true.
So here it is, November. The start of a season of eating for everyone. But I'm excited because this is my get-back-on-track month. Literally, with tracking my food intake. It just has to be done. I can tell myself all I want that I'll remember what I ate and account for it later, but writing it down is what really works. And staying committed to exercise is key. What's nice is that I actually look forward to opportunities for activity now, I don't run from them. So I'm more inclined to keep the commitment. I'm not gonna let the Thanksgiving turkey and Christmas ham wear me down.
Welcome to a new day. Each one is a blessing. I've taken inventory of all the previous days and put them in their place where they add up to exactly where I am right at this moment. The key is to make sure they stay in their place and aren't allowed to redirect my future. My past is part of me, but I am not my past. I am my right now.
10.23.2006
Day One Hundred Fourteen
Bear with me, everything's been up in the air lately and nothing has quite settled yet. This includes my weight. At this point, I have no idea how much I weigh and I almost don't even remember what I've eaten in the past three days. But I can tell you I've had my share of no-no's. What would a party weekend be without plenty of those?
I actually missed my WW weigh in and meeting on Saturday, but got in some exercise for the body and nourishment for the soul. Jon, Z and I headed out to Irvine to participate in the OC Walk To Remember, in honor of our Elena. It was an inspiration to meet the two moms who started and coordinated this annual event. Before the walk all attendees gathered for a remembrance ceremony, including a reading of the names of the babies we were walking for. I surprised myself by getting emotional during the balloon release. I guess after four years, it's still difficult for me to witness anything symbolizing letting my Elena go, even though she's already gone.
Immediately after the ceremony, we began the 5K walk, taking 5,278 brisk steps to the finish line. It was incredibly hot, which usually slows me down, but I took this as an opportunity for some productive exercise and maintained my speed. It was without a doubt an energizing and refreshing way to start the weekend. And even more meaningful to do something personal for Elena. We spend the whole year running the Fund and organizing events of our own in October, but as an organizer you never get to experience the full impact. This day was just for us, just for me to pause and reflect. It was exactly what I needed.
To maintain fairness, the rest of the weekend was devoted to Z, my now two-year-old prince. Sunday we gathered with family and friends for his birthday party. As usual there were some stress factors involved getting everything together. What kind of party would it be without stress, right? But the outcome was amazing. There was more love in that room than I can even comprehend. Who are we to be that fortunate? It overwhelms me every time I think about it.
So needless to say, it was a great weekend. I didn't count points because I was too busy counting the blessings. We were still polishing off party leftovers today, so I'm sure the point count isn't too pretty still. But tomorrow I'm back on track. Need to get focused again, want to get back to basics. Am looking forward to the treadmill tomorrow night and have been thinking about how to fit in some trips to the gym. Maybe after this season, who knows. The important thing is that through the challenges I haven't given up on myself, which used to be so easy for me to do. One wrong move or a slip off the scale was enough to send me packing. But not anymore. I've come too far, had too much support and seen too many glimpses of my true self to let that happen.
I actually missed my WW weigh in and meeting on Saturday, but got in some exercise for the body and nourishment for the soul. Jon, Z and I headed out to Irvine to participate in the OC Walk To Remember, in honor of our Elena. It was an inspiration to meet the two moms who started and coordinated this annual event. Before the walk all attendees gathered for a remembrance ceremony, including a reading of the names of the babies we were walking for. I surprised myself by getting emotional during the balloon release. I guess after four years, it's still difficult for me to witness anything symbolizing letting my Elena go, even though she's already gone.
Immediately after the ceremony, we began the 5K walk, taking 5,278 brisk steps to the finish line. It was incredibly hot, which usually slows me down, but I took this as an opportunity for some productive exercise and maintained my speed. It was without a doubt an energizing and refreshing way to start the weekend. And even more meaningful to do something personal for Elena. We spend the whole year running the Fund and organizing events of our own in October, but as an organizer you never get to experience the full impact. This day was just for us, just for me to pause and reflect. It was exactly what I needed.
To maintain fairness, the rest of the weekend was devoted to Z, my now two-year-old prince. Sunday we gathered with family and friends for his birthday party. As usual there were some stress factors involved getting everything together. What kind of party would it be without stress, right? But the outcome was amazing. There was more love in that room than I can even comprehend. Who are we to be that fortunate? It overwhelms me every time I think about it.
So needless to say, it was a great weekend. I didn't count points because I was too busy counting the blessings. We were still polishing off party leftovers today, so I'm sure the point count isn't too pretty still. But tomorrow I'm back on track. Need to get focused again, want to get back to basics. Am looking forward to the treadmill tomorrow night and have been thinking about how to fit in some trips to the gym. Maybe after this season, who knows. The important thing is that through the challenges I haven't given up on myself, which used to be so easy for me to do. One wrong move or a slip off the scale was enough to send me packing. But not anymore. I've come too far, had too much support and seen too many glimpses of my true self to let that happen.
10.18.2006
Day One Hundred Nine
Y'think I would have figured it out by now, but I'm discovering that counting points after the fact is not such a great idea. Good intentions are wonderful things, but intentions don't help you lose pounds. We were at Islands today, which I love, and I thought I was being pretty good. Ordered some chicken tacos and thought to myself, "These can't be worth that many points, so I get to have cheddar fries, too!" Cut to me at my computer, checking points values on the WW site...22 points for the tacos. Did I mention that I only get 24 points a day? And...scene.
It's another busy week, Z's party is on Sunday. My little man is two years old. Everything just sweeps by so fast. And when you stop for a glance at a photo or some other reminder, it can be overwhelming...in a good way. Been talking to J about the fact that he was a preemie baby 30 years ago. Found out his mom went into pre-term labor at about 29 weeks and he weighed 2lbs. 9oz at birth. How do you wrap your mind around that? Seems almost impossible for a baby of that size to survive after multiple blood transfusions, surgery and several other life-preserving procedures. If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is. Looking forward to celebrating the miracle that is life with J and all our family and friends this weekend. Reminds me how monumental every birthday is. Correction...how monumental every DAY is.
It's another busy week, Z's party is on Sunday. My little man is two years old. Everything just sweeps by so fast. And when you stop for a glance at a photo or some other reminder, it can be overwhelming...in a good way. Been talking to J about the fact that he was a preemie baby 30 years ago. Found out his mom went into pre-term labor at about 29 weeks and he weighed 2lbs. 9oz at birth. How do you wrap your mind around that? Seems almost impossible for a baby of that size to survive after multiple blood transfusions, surgery and several other life-preserving procedures. If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is. Looking forward to celebrating the miracle that is life with J and all our family and friends this weekend. Reminds me how monumental every birthday is. Correction...how monumental every DAY is.
10.15.2006
Day One Hundred Six: Jam-Packed Weekend Edition
Pretty hard to put a weekend like this into words. Some monumental things happened. Let's start with weight loss. Weigh in day was really good. I was down another 1.8 lbs. for a total of 36.2 lbs. I'm currently at 177.2. When Jim handed me my seventh little red bookmark that morning, he said simply, "It's been 15 weeks. Talk to us." So I said some of the same things I usually say. I love the program, I have tremendous support, I feel better than ever. I also told him that the motivation to continue forward comes from what's already been accomplished in the past. Thirty-six. "I don't ever want to go back to the way I was. And I know I don't have to." On the inside, or the outside.
Later that same day came all the busy-ness in preparation for the PTL candlelight service. This year did not involve any chaos, surprisingly. Last year involved nothing but chaos, but apparently we've worked out a lot of the bugs. The whole day was beyond what I can detail here. The people who were meant to be there were there. Everything looked beautiful, everyone who came was really touched. But as always in my life, what stood out were the people. The individuals who believe, who gave of themselves to help and to experience. The time, caring and dedication. The overwhelming love I saw on every face and felt in every hug.
Experiences like this often make me wonder how I was chosen for such a time as this. Why was I picked to give birth to such a small but miraculous being? How was I entrusted with her legacy? And how can any one person be so blessed as to be surrounded on all sides by such indescribable love? Sure I have as many bad days as the next guy, but I find it hard to be anything but thankful everyday. In my silly interactions with A and G at work. In my serious conversations with J, finding out how we've both changed during the (too many) years that we didn't talk. In my daily correspondence with moms who are suffering inside. In the giggles and tickles with Z on our big bed. In the spontaneous adventures and quiet moments with Jon. It's all a part of me, it's who I am. I never want to take that for granted.
On a very vain note, the weight loss was extremely noticeable, especially to many of those I hadn't seen since last year. I was really happy with the way my suit looked. And in watching some of the video footage from the night of the service, I can't believe the difference. It's almost like I'm looking at someone else. I was telling J recently that it's horrible but when I see this year's footage compared to last years, I can't help but think, "Why did Fox news have to come out to film during the fat year?" That's just the selfish me talking. (I've gotta throw thoughts like that in there so that you know I'm equal parts deep thinker and silly, frivolous knucklehead - like everyone else).
For those who were there, thank you for working and sharing. For those who weren't, thank you for praying and encouraging. You know who you are to me, and I love you.
Later that same day came all the busy-ness in preparation for the PTL candlelight service. This year did not involve any chaos, surprisingly. Last year involved nothing but chaos, but apparently we've worked out a lot of the bugs. The whole day was beyond what I can detail here. The people who were meant to be there were there. Everything looked beautiful, everyone who came was really touched. But as always in my life, what stood out were the people. The individuals who believe, who gave of themselves to help and to experience. The time, caring and dedication. The overwhelming love I saw on every face and felt in every hug.
Experiences like this often make me wonder how I was chosen for such a time as this. Why was I picked to give birth to such a small but miraculous being? How was I entrusted with her legacy? And how can any one person be so blessed as to be surrounded on all sides by such indescribable love? Sure I have as many bad days as the next guy, but I find it hard to be anything but thankful everyday. In my silly interactions with A and G at work. In my serious conversations with J, finding out how we've both changed during the (too many) years that we didn't talk. In my daily correspondence with moms who are suffering inside. In the giggles and tickles with Z on our big bed. In the spontaneous adventures and quiet moments with Jon. It's all a part of me, it's who I am. I never want to take that for granted.
On a very vain note, the weight loss was extremely noticeable, especially to many of those I hadn't seen since last year. I was really happy with the way my suit looked. And in watching some of the video footage from the night of the service, I can't believe the difference. It's almost like I'm looking at someone else. I was telling J recently that it's horrible but when I see this year's footage compared to last years, I can't help but think, "Why did Fox news have to come out to film during the fat year?" That's just the selfish me talking. (I've gotta throw thoughts like that in there so that you know I'm equal parts deep thinker and silly, frivolous knucklehead - like everyone else).
For those who were there, thank you for working and sharing. For those who weren't, thank you for praying and encouraging. You know who you are to me, and I love you.
10.12.2006
Happiness is...
...buying a pair of size 12 pants that FIT! Nothing spilling over the top or busting out the seams.
It's been a good day so far. Can you tell? :-D
It's been a good day so far. Can you tell? :-D
10.11.2006
Day One Hundred Two
Here's a dilemma I've been dreaming about and never thought I'd have. Went shopping today to try and find something to wear to the service on Saturday. Thought it would just be another quick trip to the fat lady store. Lane Bryant, my favorite store, have shopped there for everything I've worn over the past ten years, at least. Just looking for a dress or a nice top I could wear with my one pair of black pants that actually fit at the moment. Tried on at least six tops/sweaters and a skirt, all size 14. Too baggy...all of it! That's never happened before. Every time I put something on I was thinking, "It must be an odd cut or something." But after six I figured, maybe I'm just not that big anymore.
Then it hit me that I couldn't just go get a smaller size because...that's the smallest size they carry! Which meant...I had to go elsewhere. Here's where the dilemma came in. I'm completely unfamiliar with any other store, including department stores. Have always overlooked them because there was no point in trying. So I check out Macy's and a couple of shops along our walking route. Felt completely lost. Clothing in Macy's is divided up by designer. What sense does that make!?!? Not to mention that size 14 at the fat lady store is different than size 14 at a department store. So do I go back up to 16? And what the heck is the difference between 16 and 16W?
Total confusion. Needless to say, left with nothing. Well, that's not true. Nothing but a great big smile on my face!
Then it hit me that I couldn't just go get a smaller size because...that's the smallest size they carry! Which meant...I had to go elsewhere. Here's where the dilemma came in. I'm completely unfamiliar with any other store, including department stores. Have always overlooked them because there was no point in trying. So I check out Macy's and a couple of shops along our walking route. Felt completely lost. Clothing in Macy's is divided up by designer. What sense does that make!?!? Not to mention that size 14 at the fat lady store is different than size 14 at a department store. So do I go back up to 16? And what the heck is the difference between 16 and 16W?
Total confusion. Needless to say, left with nothing. Well, that's not true. Nothing but a great big smile on my face!
10.09.2006
Day One Hundred
Got whistled at today while walking from my car into the post office. Really wasn't all that it's cracked up to be. It's never happened before, so it sorta took me off guard. Not sure what I expected, but whatever it was, that wasn't it. Maybe because I realized, why the heck do I care about what some dirty guy in an old Ford Escort thinks about my looks?
Was a good day. Preparations are in full swing for Saturday's Pass the Light service (Not gonna go into the full explanation here, so if you're curious, check this out). Plenty to do and never enough time to do it, but I think we're ahead of last year's schedule. Hung out with J and Jr. as well, so Zaya was thrilled, naturally. He thinks everyone lives to be his friend. Oh, to be two years old again.
A actually called me skinny today. She's pretty adamant that I buy some new pants, and who can blame her. It's starting to get ridiculous. Sometimes when I go to work I look like a little girl playing dress up in her mommy's clothes. Yeah, that bad.
Shout out to A2 who had a good points day. It's a great feeling when you've reached the end of the day and realize you managed to avoid snacking yourself out of 10 extra weekly points. Treat days are good too, but it's nice to make a habit of coloring within the lines. The lines are our friends.
Was a good day. Preparations are in full swing for Saturday's Pass the Light service (Not gonna go into the full explanation here, so if you're curious, check this out). Plenty to do and never enough time to do it, but I think we're ahead of last year's schedule. Hung out with J and Jr. as well, so Zaya was thrilled, naturally. He thinks everyone lives to be his friend. Oh, to be two years old again.
A actually called me skinny today. She's pretty adamant that I buy some new pants, and who can blame her. It's starting to get ridiculous. Sometimes when I go to work I look like a little girl playing dress up in her mommy's clothes. Yeah, that bad.
Shout out to A2 who had a good points day. It's a great feeling when you've reached the end of the day and realize you managed to avoid snacking yourself out of 10 extra weekly points. Treat days are good too, but it's nice to make a habit of coloring within the lines. The lines are our friends.
10.08.2006
Day Ninety-Nine
Before starting WW, 99 days felt like SUCH a long time. Tonight I sit here wondering how 99 days got past me without me noticing. So far, this journey has far exceeded my expectations, so I'm definitely committed to the next 99 days.
Did my three miles on the treadmill in 49.22 minutes. I'm glad that I've acquired a love for the treadmill. It's a totally different love than that for the outdoor walks, but it's a necessary love. Oh, and I had a King's Hawaiian Chinese Chicken Salad for dinner...a very tasty treat. Sure I would rather have ordered something that came with a heaping scoop of potato/mac salad, but the salad was a pleasant surprise.
I was sharing a story with J recently that I'm just now realizing really belongs here. A few years ago, Jon and I were applying for health insurance. Something I'd done before and figured, despite the hassle of endless forms, wasn't really that big of a deal. I'd always been healthy (or so I thought), no major medical problems or incidents. So imagine my surprise when we receive our rejection letter in the mail. And imaging the complete shock and awe on my face when I read the reason, which was of course, directly related to me: "medical obesity."
OBESE?!?! I had thought that word was reserved for people who were at least 400 lbs. and homebound. I mean, I was never deluded enough to think I was skinny, but obese? That just seemed so harsh. Not only that, my obesity was preventing myself and my husband from having access to health care. Talk about feeling guilty. I cried for twenty minutes after reading the letter a dozen times. And then I hung my head in shame for about a week.
I've said before that one of my favorite things about WW is getting educated. And that's what I needed. Sulking around and feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to ever take any weight off. Since being on the program, I'm able to approach weight loss from a much more scientific standpoint. I understand now what medical obesity really is (though I still despise that word). I know a lot more about the foods I was allowing into my body and the difference that healthy choices can make. I have a new love/hate relationship with exercise, which has replaced the hate/hate one. I've learned so much.
Yes, 99 days. You'd be amazed what can happen.
Did my three miles on the treadmill in 49.22 minutes. I'm glad that I've acquired a love for the treadmill. It's a totally different love than that for the outdoor walks, but it's a necessary love. Oh, and I had a King's Hawaiian Chinese Chicken Salad for dinner...a very tasty treat. Sure I would rather have ordered something that came with a heaping scoop of potato/mac salad, but the salad was a pleasant surprise.
I was sharing a story with J recently that I'm just now realizing really belongs here. A few years ago, Jon and I were applying for health insurance. Something I'd done before and figured, despite the hassle of endless forms, wasn't really that big of a deal. I'd always been healthy (or so I thought), no major medical problems or incidents. So imagine my surprise when we receive our rejection letter in the mail. And imaging the complete shock and awe on my face when I read the reason, which was of course, directly related to me: "medical obesity."
OBESE?!?! I had thought that word was reserved for people who were at least 400 lbs. and homebound. I mean, I was never deluded enough to think I was skinny, but obese? That just seemed so harsh. Not only that, my obesity was preventing myself and my husband from having access to health care. Talk about feeling guilty. I cried for twenty minutes after reading the letter a dozen times. And then I hung my head in shame for about a week.
I've said before that one of my favorite things about WW is getting educated. And that's what I needed. Sulking around and feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to ever take any weight off. Since being on the program, I'm able to approach weight loss from a much more scientific standpoint. I understand now what medical obesity really is (though I still despise that word). I know a lot more about the foods I was allowing into my body and the difference that healthy choices can make. I have a new love/hate relationship with exercise, which has replaced the hate/hate one. I've learned so much.
Yes, 99 days. You'd be amazed what can happen.
10.07.2006
Day 98: Weigh In
Went for a quick weigh in today and couldn't stay for the meeting because I had to get back home to prep for the SLF board meeting. But I would sure like to start more days like this. When I stepped on the scale, our leader Jim looked up at me with a huge smile and said, "you amaze me." I'm down 2.6 lbs. this week for a total loss of 34.4 lbs. This puts my current weight at 179. YES! I SAID 179!! This is so huge for me. I mean there are lots of miletones along the way, but being in the 170's, I was floored.
On the drive home, the tears came. Didn't know where they were coming from, but there they were. Obviously, happy tears. Happy because I finally believe in myself, because I've reached a point that seemed unattainable to me for so long. Mama makes fun of me that I put on my little shocked face whenever I lose at weigh ins, but it's absolutely sincere. I'm still shocked. Part of me is waiting for the day that I wake up and find out this was all a dream. In my head, I stil weigh 213 lbs. And that's where the struggle lies, in my mind. Not in my physical body.
We're making a change in our walking routine. Since the seasons have changed, it's pretty cool at the beach early in the morning and late evening. So we've decided to use the treadmill at Jon's parents more often. Starting tomorrow, we'll switch to Sunday and Tuesday nights on the treadmill and then maybe try to get in another day at the park or something. I just have to maintain momentum. I have to stay on track because the last thing I want is to allow myself to go backwards.
I have a new WW buddy, A2. I find it so ironic that here I spent all these years hiding my body and avoiding conversation about weight out of embarrassment, yet in the past 15 weeks I've made some incredible connections and built strong bonds because I've allowed myself to be honest about...myself. I don't regret the lost time because that was all necessary learning experience. I'm just thankful that I am here now, and the road ahead is wide open.
On the drive home, the tears came. Didn't know where they were coming from, but there they were. Obviously, happy tears. Happy because I finally believe in myself, because I've reached a point that seemed unattainable to me for so long. Mama makes fun of me that I put on my little shocked face whenever I lose at weigh ins, but it's absolutely sincere. I'm still shocked. Part of me is waiting for the day that I wake up and find out this was all a dream. In my head, I stil weigh 213 lbs. And that's where the struggle lies, in my mind. Not in my physical body.
We're making a change in our walking routine. Since the seasons have changed, it's pretty cool at the beach early in the morning and late evening. So we've decided to use the treadmill at Jon's parents more often. Starting tomorrow, we'll switch to Sunday and Tuesday nights on the treadmill and then maybe try to get in another day at the park or something. I just have to maintain momentum. I have to stay on track because the last thing I want is to allow myself to go backwards.
I have a new WW buddy, A2. I find it so ironic that here I spent all these years hiding my body and avoiding conversation about weight out of embarrassment, yet in the past 15 weeks I've made some incredible connections and built strong bonds because I've allowed myself to be honest about...myself. I don't regret the lost time because that was all necessary learning experience. I'm just thankful that I am here now, and the road ahead is wide open.
10.03.2006
Day Ninety-Four: This One's For You
Just came back from the power walk. Tonight's walk was split right down the middle. During the first half, I was still feeling fat. I kept touching my stomach as if the 31.8 lbs. had reappeared and played a trick on me. Like they were back from vacation. I was frustrated with my stomach, imagining that I'll continue to lose weight but it will remain in place. Was having a lot of illogical thoughts.
When I got to the end of the bike path and turned around, it struck me that these exercise sessions are way less emotional than they used to be. I started out the summer literally crying as I walked, listening to the waves, thinking about all the feelings that were tied to my weight. Wondering how I had gotten to that point. But I really enjoy the walk now, get energized, live in the present. And I realized that I owe much of the transformation of my thoughts to you.
Yes, you. This blog is dedicated to you, the readers. The ones who've lined my path with smiles and hugs and congratulations. Those of you who leave me comments and those who lurk in the shadows. You've sent me cards and e-mails, called me on the phone, sent me exercise and diet tips. You've listened to me babble on about WW meetings and feeling fat. And through it all you've helped change my perspective on myself. You've embraced me, the real me, and made me feel like a regular person. Like I'm not a lesser than. I never knew that I could make it this far. And with your support I know I can make it all the way.
So take a bow, it's your moment in the spotlight. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You'll never really know how much a part of me you are.
When I got to the end of the bike path and turned around, it struck me that these exercise sessions are way less emotional than they used to be. I started out the summer literally crying as I walked, listening to the waves, thinking about all the feelings that were tied to my weight. Wondering how I had gotten to that point. But I really enjoy the walk now, get energized, live in the present. And I realized that I owe much of the transformation of my thoughts to you.
Yes, you. This blog is dedicated to you, the readers. The ones who've lined my path with smiles and hugs and congratulations. Those of you who leave me comments and those who lurk in the shadows. You've sent me cards and e-mails, called me on the phone, sent me exercise and diet tips. You've listened to me babble on about WW meetings and feeling fat. And through it all you've helped change my perspective on myself. You've embraced me, the real me, and made me feel like a regular person. Like I'm not a lesser than. I never knew that I could make it this far. And with your support I know I can make it all the way.
So take a bow, it's your moment in the spotlight. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You'll never really know how much a part of me you are.
10.02.2006
Day Ninety-Three
Yes, it's really day 93. You're just gonna have to trust me on this one. As much as I'd like to backtrack and fill you in on days 90-92, it's not possible at the moment. Frankly, I can't even remember. So we'll cover the highlights.
Saturday was Weigh-In day. I went down one pound last week for a total loss so far of 31.8 lbs. I'm down to 181.6. Never thought I'd see the day. These days I'm allowing myself more treats and using more of my weekly allowance points. I'm more accepting of the "long haul" concept now. And of the fact that the rate of loss will slow down a bit. That's all part of it. I used to give up on the thought of ever losing weight because I was discouraged that it wouldn't happen quickly enough. But what sense does it make to not try at all? It's taken me awhile to come to that realization.
I'm also finding comfort in sharing my experiences with people around me that are also making choices to be healthy. Jon is right on track, down about 16 lbs. My friend J is working out and losing weight. I just talked with my cousin in Massachusetts yesterday and she was mentioning losing 10 pounds just because she actually reads the nutrition facts on foods at the market now.
Exercise has been a little haphazard recently because of changing schedules. Last night we went for dinner at the parents house and as we were leaving Jon said, "Are you gonna use the treadmill?" And I very vehemently said, "No." Because I didn't feel like it. But after eating and watching him work out, I felt sorta disgusted with myself. I mean I had the time and opportunity right there, why not take it? So I did. Ended up walking 3 miles in 50 minutes and felt really great afterwards.
Every day is something new. Sometimes encouraging, sometimes discouraging, but always learning.
Saturday was Weigh-In day. I went down one pound last week for a total loss so far of 31.8 lbs. I'm down to 181.6. Never thought I'd see the day. These days I'm allowing myself more treats and using more of my weekly allowance points. I'm more accepting of the "long haul" concept now. And of the fact that the rate of loss will slow down a bit. That's all part of it. I used to give up on the thought of ever losing weight because I was discouraged that it wouldn't happen quickly enough. But what sense does it make to not try at all? It's taken me awhile to come to that realization.
I'm also finding comfort in sharing my experiences with people around me that are also making choices to be healthy. Jon is right on track, down about 16 lbs. My friend J is working out and losing weight. I just talked with my cousin in Massachusetts yesterday and she was mentioning losing 10 pounds just because she actually reads the nutrition facts on foods at the market now.
Exercise has been a little haphazard recently because of changing schedules. Last night we went for dinner at the parents house and as we were leaving Jon said, "Are you gonna use the treadmill?" And I very vehemently said, "No." Because I didn't feel like it. But after eating and watching him work out, I felt sorta disgusted with myself. I mean I had the time and opportunity right there, why not take it? So I did. Ended up walking 3 miles in 50 minutes and felt really great afterwards.
Every day is something new. Sometimes encouraging, sometimes discouraging, but always learning.
9.28.2006
Day Eighty-Eight & Day Eighty-Nine
What day is it? Where am I? That's what this week has felt like. Jon just finished designing a beautiful brochure for the wedding network we're involved with (for PlanetZaya and Elena's Inspiration). The Shining Light Fund just received a grant for $4,000 for the mother's bracelet program. The candlelight service is only two weeks away, followed closely behind by Z's birthday party and now, Make a Difference Day. And as I sit here to blog about my WW experience, I'm thinking, did I even eat this week?
Seriously, I have been paying enough attention to notice how much I'm enjoying food, the smart choices, and continuing exercise. I've also noticed that when cravings do come, they're pretty strong. It's like a battle of two extremes. I think it's because life is continuing to happen all around now and WW is a normal part of that life. So daily eating doesn't take much thought anymore, but I have to be careful to stay focused during those cravings.
Didn't get to walk tonight, but we did get some extra walking in this week, so I should be ok. Oh, and shout outs to M who's hanging in there with a very busy work and school schedule while riding the WW train, and to J who has a job interview tomorrow. Love you guys.
Seriously, I have been paying enough attention to notice how much I'm enjoying food, the smart choices, and continuing exercise. I've also noticed that when cravings do come, they're pretty strong. It's like a battle of two extremes. I think it's because life is continuing to happen all around now and WW is a normal part of that life. So daily eating doesn't take much thought anymore, but I have to be careful to stay focused during those cravings.
Didn't get to walk tonight, but we did get some extra walking in this week, so I should be ok. Oh, and shout outs to M who's hanging in there with a very busy work and school schedule while riding the WW train, and to J who has a job interview tomorrow. Love you guys.
9.26.2006
Day Eighty-Seven
It's "extra points to spare day," apparently. Jon and I both unintentionally ended up with enough extra points today that we could each almost have another meal. We split our Quizno's sandwiches between lunch and dinner, Jon paired his with some low fat popcorn and I finished off that great bean soup. Then toss in some exercise points from a great walk, top it off with a little Golden Spoon...I think we just found a winning meal combination.
The walk was completely refreshing. We did our three miles in 55 minutes, I think that's a new record for us. Of course Jon jogs, which means he's a bit faster than I am, so he ends up doing some extra running and walking while he's waiting for me. I kept a really steady pace the entire time and came close to wishing that the walk would just keep going. That's definitely a new feeling for me. I need to go back and read some earlier entries to remind myself how far I've come because I can remember having so much anxiety and being self-conscious about even existing in front of strangers. That's not even part of who I am anymore. Jon said I looked good out there, and I felt like it.
Then came home and got a happy phone call. My friend J made it to the next step in the job search process, which is awesome. That reminded me that I haven't heard anything from my WW buddy M. Hey M, hit me up!
Good night everyone. And a pleasant tomorrow.
The walk was completely refreshing. We did our three miles in 55 minutes, I think that's a new record for us. Of course Jon jogs, which means he's a bit faster than I am, so he ends up doing some extra running and walking while he's waiting for me. I kept a really steady pace the entire time and came close to wishing that the walk would just keep going. That's definitely a new feeling for me. I need to go back and read some earlier entries to remind myself how far I've come because I can remember having so much anxiety and being self-conscious about even existing in front of strangers. That's not even part of who I am anymore. Jon said I looked good out there, and I felt like it.
Then came home and got a happy phone call. My friend J made it to the next step in the job search process, which is awesome. That reminded me that I haven't heard anything from my WW buddy M. Hey M, hit me up!
Good night everyone. And a pleasant tomorrow.
9.25.2006
Day Eighty-Six
Did well with my points today. But had some mean cravings for sweets. That's why it's important for me to keep low fat sweet stuff in the house, because if I don't I go crazy. And if you don't have the low-fat stuff, you start looking for anything edible, really. Trust me on this.
So we made a good decision to walk to the market to buy some stuff for dinner. And it was there that I stocked up on my good friend, the Sugar-Free Jello Pudding Cup. It's my ideal one point snack. I should also mention that I've been fortunate to benefit from Mama's WW cooking. Her most recent kitchen creation is a bean soup that's two points per cup, and very tasty.
See how easily this blog could just turn into a food frenzy? Now I'm hungry...
So we made a good decision to walk to the market to buy some stuff for dinner. And it was there that I stocked up on my good friend, the Sugar-Free Jello Pudding Cup. It's my ideal one point snack. I should also mention that I've been fortunate to benefit from Mama's WW cooking. Her most recent kitchen creation is a bean soup that's two points per cup, and very tasty.
See how easily this blog could just turn into a food frenzy? Now I'm hungry...
9.24.2006
Day Eighty-Five
Fall is definitely in the air. Our beach walk was a little cold this morning, but still so worth getting up to go. Now that it's cooler, there's hardly anyone around, the quiet is nice. It got even quieter when my MP3 player batteries died almost immediately after I started walking. Usually I need the music to keep a good pace. But today I was really motivated and frankly, the sound of the waves was so soothing. With so much going on in my life right now, it was a welcome relief to be alone with my thoughts and the crash of the ocean.
After the walk, we had breakfast at King's. Can't go wrong there. And I've learned the joy of substituting egg whites in most breakfast items. An egg white omelet with mushrooms was the order of the day...though I did splurge on a blueberry muffin, no substitution for that.
In the afternoon, my friend J came over with his son. Z was thrilled to have a playmate. Doesn't matter to him if the kid is 2 years old or 12, he makes fast friends. And he is always sure to pull out every imaginable toy to impress his guest. While my energy level has increased substantially since losing this weight, it was nice to watch Z get chased around by someone who can keep up much better than I can. We all had a great time just hanging out, something I don't get to do very often.
Today was a good balance. Ended the weekend in a calm and contented mood but started a new week with some motivation so see a little change in the scale. Change in the right direction.
After the walk, we had breakfast at King's. Can't go wrong there. And I've learned the joy of substituting egg whites in most breakfast items. An egg white omelet with mushrooms was the order of the day...though I did splurge on a blueberry muffin, no substitution for that.
In the afternoon, my friend J came over with his son. Z was thrilled to have a playmate. Doesn't matter to him if the kid is 2 years old or 12, he makes fast friends. And he is always sure to pull out every imaginable toy to impress his guest. While my energy level has increased substantially since losing this weight, it was nice to watch Z get chased around by someone who can keep up much better than I can. We all had a great time just hanging out, something I don't get to do very often.
Today was a good balance. Ended the weekend in a calm and contented mood but started a new week with some motivation so see a little change in the scale. Change in the right direction.
9.23.2006
Day 84: Weigh In
"Maintain." That's WW-speak for not losing or gaining any weight. I stayed exactly the same for one week, still at 182.6. Maintaining is a funny thing. You are somewhat disappointed that you didn't lose anything, not even an ounce, but you're also ecstatic that you didn't gain anything...not even an ounce.
The maintain experience is a new one for me, but one that I saw coming. I can honestly say after having a really nice week and enjoying our anniversary so much, I'm not bothered by it. However, I will say that the idea of "maintaining" puts me a focused frame of mind for a new week.
The meeting was great, as always. Such a nice group of people. Yes, mainly women. Jim is starting a cookbook club. He sent a new cookbook home with one of the ladies to try out a few recipes and then take notes on what her favorites are. Then she can pass it on to someone else, and so on. I suggested that she actually bring in samples of the recipes to the next meeting. Considering that I don't cook, but I do in fact eat, I figure that's the best way for me to benefit from this deal. Don't you agree? :-)
The maintain experience is a new one for me, but one that I saw coming. I can honestly say after having a really nice week and enjoying our anniversary so much, I'm not bothered by it. However, I will say that the idea of "maintaining" puts me a focused frame of mind for a new week.
The meeting was great, as always. Such a nice group of people. Yes, mainly women. Jim is starting a cookbook club. He sent a new cookbook home with one of the ladies to try out a few recipes and then take notes on what her favorites are. Then she can pass it on to someone else, and so on. I suggested that she actually bring in samples of the recipes to the next meeting. Considering that I don't cook, but I do in fact eat, I figure that's the best way for me to benefit from this deal. Don't you agree? :-)
9.22.2006
Day Eighty-Three
Versary day. A very nice one. I did a lot of eating, though I made some good choices as well. Took Z to Hof's Hut for lunch. That kid put away every last piece of his kids cheesy pizza and fruit...better him than me. I opted for broiled halibut, steamed veggies and mashy tatoes (in your honor, J), with zuccini bread as my treat.
For dinner we headed out to Long Beach, back to The Reef, where six years ago we shared a meal with family and friends in celebration of our marriage. It's virtually impossible to stay within points range at that place. Everything is...what's a good word...decadent. So the evening went a little something like this: spinach artichoke dip, raspberry vinaigrette salad, breaded tilapia with risotto. Jon had some Polynesian spare ribs. Not to mention great conversation and a beautiful skyline view. And yes, I had a real dessert. No Golden Spoon, no 1 point mini-cake. Actually Jon and I shared this:
Tuxedo cake. Cream cheese and chocolatey goodness. And we made no apologies, just enjoyed the evening and the celebration. After dinner we drove out to Hollywood to see a documentary at the ArcLight. My age showed through very clearly...couldn't even stay awake. It was a much needed night out and we enjoyed every moment.
I love that WW doesn't require apologies. You just pick up from where you left off. I have a feeling this night combined with the fact that I only exercised once again this week (where do the days go?), something may be reflected on the scale. But that's ok by me. I'm enjoying every step, every lesson.
For dinner we headed out to Long Beach, back to The Reef, where six years ago we shared a meal with family and friends in celebration of our marriage. It's virtually impossible to stay within points range at that place. Everything is...what's a good word...decadent. So the evening went a little something like this: spinach artichoke dip, raspberry vinaigrette salad, breaded tilapia with risotto. Jon had some Polynesian spare ribs. Not to mention great conversation and a beautiful skyline view. And yes, I had a real dessert. No Golden Spoon, no 1 point mini-cake. Actually Jon and I shared this:
Tuxedo cake. Cream cheese and chocolatey goodness. And we made no apologies, just enjoyed the evening and the celebration. After dinner we drove out to Hollywood to see a documentary at the ArcLight. My age showed through very clearly...couldn't even stay awake. It was a much needed night out and we enjoyed every moment.I love that WW doesn't require apologies. You just pick up from where you left off. I have a feeling this night combined with the fact that I only exercised once again this week (where do the days go?), something may be reflected on the scale. But that's ok by me. I'm enjoying every step, every lesson.
9.21.2006
Day Eighty-One & Day Eighty-Two
I had started typing a completely different post about an hour ago, and I was fine. Then I sat down to watch the season premiere of ER. Abby just went into pre-term labor. Baby is in the NICU. And here I am, a sniffling, sobbing mess. That show can do it to me every time. In sixty minutes, minus commercial time, I just relived both of my pregnancies and the extreme birth outcomes. In one case, holding my daughter for only a matter of hours before saying goodbye to her forever. In the other case, welcoming my son far too early and praying he wouldn't see the same fate. It's amazing how immediately all those feelings come flooding back, streaming down my face. How easily I get angry and scared and humbled by my place in this world.
This all becomes even more intense as this power-packed episode happened to air on the eve of my sixth wedding anniversary. Tomorrow marks so much more than just six calendar years. It marks the seven years prior that ushered us into our wedding day. It marks hundreds of thousands of minutes, life in its truest form. Long talks, celebrations, road trips, collaborations, great ideas, unintentional hurts, gains and losses, belly laughs and swollen tears. And so much in between that our feeble brains forget. But the sum of these parts is a genuine partnership, a life together that prompts only gratitude.
So what will we do in honor of this momentous occasion? We're still not sure. It will most definitely involve food, much of which may not be on my regular WW plan. But I'm looking forward to it. No one really knows the history behind my finally deciding to do something about my weight. How much Jon has always supported me, wanting what's best for me but never pushing. Telling me how beautiful I am, and wishing I wouldn't cry every time because I never believed it myself (am still struggling with this one). He's played a big role in shaping who I am today. And in bringing about the fact that I almost actually like who that person is.
On days like this I marvel at the little things God puts on the path to bring you back to center. Put things in perspective. Something as silly as watching a show on TV. For each of us it's different, whatever it takes to get our attention. I'm thankful I was paying attention. I hope you're paying attention, too.
This all becomes even more intense as this power-packed episode happened to air on the eve of my sixth wedding anniversary. Tomorrow marks so much more than just six calendar years. It marks the seven years prior that ushered us into our wedding day. It marks hundreds of thousands of minutes, life in its truest form. Long talks, celebrations, road trips, collaborations, great ideas, unintentional hurts, gains and losses, belly laughs and swollen tears. And so much in between that our feeble brains forget. But the sum of these parts is a genuine partnership, a life together that prompts only gratitude.
So what will we do in honor of this momentous occasion? We're still not sure. It will most definitely involve food, much of which may not be on my regular WW plan. But I'm looking forward to it. No one really knows the history behind my finally deciding to do something about my weight. How much Jon has always supported me, wanting what's best for me but never pushing. Telling me how beautiful I am, and wishing I wouldn't cry every time because I never believed it myself (am still struggling with this one). He's played a big role in shaping who I am today. And in bringing about the fact that I almost actually like who that person is.
On days like this I marvel at the little things God puts on the path to bring you back to center. Put things in perspective. Something as silly as watching a show on TV. For each of us it's different, whatever it takes to get our attention. I'm thankful I was paying attention. I hope you're paying attention, too.
9.19.2006
Day Eighty
The word is svelte.
May I have the definition?
Slender or graceful in figure or outline; slim.
The origin please?
French, from Italian, svelto.
Can I have it in a sentence please?
"Carrie, you are looking very svelte these days (an actual comment overheard at work today)."
S-V-E-L-T-E, svelte.
That is correct.
May I have the definition?
Slender or graceful in figure or outline; slim.
The origin please?
French, from Italian, svelto.
Can I have it in a sentence please?
"Carrie, you are looking very svelte these days (an actual comment overheard at work today)."
S-V-E-L-T-E, svelte.
That is correct.
9.18.2006
Day Seventy-Nine
It was a snacking day for some reason. Just felt like eating at all different times. That's when those 1 point sugar-free Jello Pudding Cups are my best friend. And after avoiding New England style Clam Chowder creaminess for 11 weeks, I had the Manhattan style for lunch today. It was really great, and a good way to get my veggies as well. Yes, yes, substitutions. That's the key.
Forgive me if I get a little stream-of-consciouness for a moment. Was just talking to my friend J and got into a discussion about appearance and attractiveness. This goes back to the stunningly beautiful bridal model that we met at a recent meeting. I showed her picture to my friend and his reaction was probably much the same as anyone's would be. She's one of those people that turns heads everywhere she goes. A presence, I guess that's what you'd call it. J and I talked about beauty and how everyone is beautiful in their own way. But how come there are just those people who there's no denying, they've got that something extra? It's not up for discussion, anyone would agree she's gorgeous.
And more importantly, why do I care so much? J said, "Carrie, there's nothing wrong with you." I know he's right, or at least I think I do. Especially now, when I'm feeling like there's "less wrong" with me than I've ever thought before. But we human beings are so easily distracted. I still want to have that something extra. Forgive me, God, it's total vanity. But our brains are wired that way sometimes.
Recently Jon asked how it felt to be 30 pounds lighter (in mind and body). Obviously, it's fanatastic. Something I never allowed myself to even dream about, yet here it is. I'm incredibly thankful. But it's also odd. Not that I don't recognize myself. Well maybe sometimes. But I've been looking back at old pictures of me and I just keep seeing that round face. Basically back to when I was a kid. It's interesting because some other people who struggle with weight can go back to pictures of when they were thin(ner). I really don't have much to go back to, so this whole experience is new to me still.
Reading back through this I realize it may sound like I'm depressed or something. Totally not the case. I am just fascinated by this entire process and my place in it. It's like I know myself better than ever, but simultaneously I'm coming to know a part of me that never existed before. It's the coexistence of the old and new, the known and the unknown. Really quite something to experience.
Forgive me if I get a little stream-of-consciouness for a moment. Was just talking to my friend J and got into a discussion about appearance and attractiveness. This goes back to the stunningly beautiful bridal model that we met at a recent meeting. I showed her picture to my friend and his reaction was probably much the same as anyone's would be. She's one of those people that turns heads everywhere she goes. A presence, I guess that's what you'd call it. J and I talked about beauty and how everyone is beautiful in their own way. But how come there are just those people who there's no denying, they've got that something extra? It's not up for discussion, anyone would agree she's gorgeous.
And more importantly, why do I care so much? J said, "Carrie, there's nothing wrong with you." I know he's right, or at least I think I do. Especially now, when I'm feeling like there's "less wrong" with me than I've ever thought before. But we human beings are so easily distracted. I still want to have that something extra. Forgive me, God, it's total vanity. But our brains are wired that way sometimes.
Recently Jon asked how it felt to be 30 pounds lighter (in mind and body). Obviously, it's fanatastic. Something I never allowed myself to even dream about, yet here it is. I'm incredibly thankful. But it's also odd. Not that I don't recognize myself. Well maybe sometimes. But I've been looking back at old pictures of me and I just keep seeing that round face. Basically back to when I was a kid. It's interesting because some other people who struggle with weight can go back to pictures of when they were thin(ner). I really don't have much to go back to, so this whole experience is new to me still.
Reading back through this I realize it may sound like I'm depressed or something. Totally not the case. I am just fascinated by this entire process and my place in it. It's like I know myself better than ever, but simultaneously I'm coming to know a part of me that never existed before. It's the coexistence of the old and new, the known and the unknown. Really quite something to experience.
9.17.2006
Day Seventy-Eight: Nothing to do with weight loss
ACTUAL E-MAIL CONVERSATION WORTH RECORDINGCarrie: I haven't decided yet if this is just another thing to add to my already full plate, or if this is the thing that will push everything else off my plate into a mess on the floor.
(Something tells me it may be the latter, as I am prone to messes)
9.16.2006
Day 77: Weigh In
Another milestone...30 lbs! 30.8 to be exact. Once again, a week with some "off-program" eating (ie Fair Food) and because of our crazy schedule, only one exercise day. So I'll take this week's 1.2 lb. loss, no complaints.
As you may have guessed, much of our time at WW meetings is spent talking about food. Seems logical. And in the minutes before and after the meeting, you'll find all the ladies sharing recipes and tips about good food finds. This morning Jim shared a couple of soup recipes, which reminded me how much I love this time of year.
Yes, it's soup weather. The transition from summer to fall has always been my absolute favorite. I was the weird kid who liked school, maybe that has something to do with it. But the change in the weather and the move indoors is sort of a comfortable quiet for me. Although I have to admit, after what has been one amazing summer, the warmest season now comes in at a close second. This year has been like a great recipe that I can't wait to share - a cup of self-examination, two cups of healing, a pinch of learning, and a dash of letting go. Not to mention the seasoning of reclaiming old friendships and embracing new ones.
It always seems that when I make it to this time of year, I'm left wondering where it all went. Not this year, though. For the first time in, well, ever, I was paying attention. I remember the moments, the breakthroughs. And I grasp onto the resulting memories. It's all too important to let it slide by.
As you may have guessed, much of our time at WW meetings is spent talking about food. Seems logical. And in the minutes before and after the meeting, you'll find all the ladies sharing recipes and tips about good food finds. This morning Jim shared a couple of soup recipes, which reminded me how much I love this time of year.
Yes, it's soup weather. The transition from summer to fall has always been my absolute favorite. I was the weird kid who liked school, maybe that has something to do with it. But the change in the weather and the move indoors is sort of a comfortable quiet for me. Although I have to admit, after what has been one amazing summer, the warmest season now comes in at a close second. This year has been like a great recipe that I can't wait to share - a cup of self-examination, two cups of healing, a pinch of learning, and a dash of letting go. Not to mention the seasoning of reclaiming old friendships and embracing new ones.
It always seems that when I make it to this time of year, I'm left wondering where it all went. Not this year, though. For the first time in, well, ever, I was paying attention. I remember the moments, the breakthroughs. And I grasp onto the resulting memories. It's all too important to let it slide by.
9.15.2006
Day Seventy-Seven
One of the ladies at work today wanted to know what I'm doing to get so skinny. HA! There's something I've never been called before. Work was a trainwreck...deadline day, crazy people, same old story. But the rest of the day was nice, and pretty productive.
So where am I? Hmm...I have to admit on a weigh-in eve such as this, I used to know right off the top of my head how many points I had eaten and how many were left. Since I don't obsess about this anymore, I have to look it up. Looks like I finished off the week with 21 weekly allowance points to spare. The 14 that I did use were spread out fairly evenly between each day. Even the County Fair day, which is odd.
Speaking of the fair, glad I shared those photos. People make jokes all the time about that deep fried stuff, but when you see it for real, it's hilarious. And somewhat frightening. As Mama wonders, can they deep fry ANYTHING? I believe the answer is yes. And someone will undoubtedly eat it, whatever it is. I forgot to explain that photo of all the chocolate yumminess. That was the Ghirardelli Chocolate Baking Contest. We actually stayed and watched the judging and awards. You can almost taste it just looking at that picture, can't you?
It's been a really great week. So much happens in a week's time over here. Don't really feel like listing it off at this point, but trust me, good stuff. What it comes down to is how glad I am to be on the other side of the weight obsession, because there are so many other things to focus on. Oh sure, I still have my days, but the journey is most definitely the destination. If you're looking for fat Carrie, she doesn't live here anymore. She discovered that she was always more fat in mind than body. Her mind was freed, and she went off in search of all the things she had never thought she was capable of.
So where am I? Hmm...I have to admit on a weigh-in eve such as this, I used to know right off the top of my head how many points I had eaten and how many were left. Since I don't obsess about this anymore, I have to look it up. Looks like I finished off the week with 21 weekly allowance points to spare. The 14 that I did use were spread out fairly evenly between each day. Even the County Fair day, which is odd.
Speaking of the fair, glad I shared those photos. People make jokes all the time about that deep fried stuff, but when you see it for real, it's hilarious. And somewhat frightening. As Mama wonders, can they deep fry ANYTHING? I believe the answer is yes. And someone will undoubtedly eat it, whatever it is. I forgot to explain that photo of all the chocolate yumminess. That was the Ghirardelli Chocolate Baking Contest. We actually stayed and watched the judging and awards. You can almost taste it just looking at that picture, can't you?
It's been a really great week. So much happens in a week's time over here. Don't really feel like listing it off at this point, but trust me, good stuff. What it comes down to is how glad I am to be on the other side of the weight obsession, because there are so many other things to focus on. Oh sure, I still have my days, but the journey is most definitely the destination. If you're looking for fat Carrie, she doesn't live here anymore. She discovered that she was always more fat in mind than body. Her mind was freed, and she went off in search of all the things she had never thought she was capable of.
9.14.2006
Day Seventy-Five & Day Seventy-Six
What I ate at the LA County Fair:
Hot, buttered corn on the cob
1/2 an order of french fries
2 chicken tacos with salsa
1/2 an order of chili cheese fries
1 chocolate & vanilla nonfat frozen yogurt cone
What I did NOT eat at the LA County Fair:
And my personal favorite:
All in all, I'd say I did pretty well.
Hot, buttered corn on the cob
1/2 an order of french fries
2 chicken tacos with salsa
1/2 an order of chili cheese fries
1 chocolate & vanilla nonfat frozen yogurt cone
What I did NOT eat at the LA County Fair:
And my personal favorite:
All in all, I'd say I did pretty well.
9.12.2006
Day Seventy-Four
Breakfast Burrito Wednesday moved to Tuesday this week. I ate half of mine this morning and Zaya ate the rest for lunch. We had to move the day temporarily to make room in Wednesday's schedule for Greasy Cheesy Pizza Wednesday at Chuck E. Cheese with some friends. Sounds like a nightmare week as far as points are concerned, but that so doesn't bother me anymore. I know that I'm following the program really well, it's all second nature now. Having no anxiety about extra treats and special days is just so nice. I'm a real person living a real life, and enjoying it.
Had a long talk today with my high school friend. Basically catching up on eight missed years of each other's lives. While talking with him I realized that what everyone has been telling me is true - I am so much more to people than what I look like. Since starting WW several people have made the comment that they didn't ever think of me as someone who needed to lose weight. And I just looked back at them, astonished after years of assuming that fat is what everyone sees first. But today it became clear that regardless of my weight or any other insecurity, I have a lot to offer as a person, as a friend. That was a realization I've been waiting for and hoping for. Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty content right about now.
People assume that being on WW is about acceptance...losing weight so others will accept you. But it's really more about learning to accept yourself. We are our toughest critics, very hard to impress. We spend so much time putting the mask on for others that when we take it off, we don't recognize ourselves. But the mask is coming off. This is all me. You don't have to like it. I, for one, love it. It's about time.
Had a long talk today with my high school friend. Basically catching up on eight missed years of each other's lives. While talking with him I realized that what everyone has been telling me is true - I am so much more to people than what I look like. Since starting WW several people have made the comment that they didn't ever think of me as someone who needed to lose weight. And I just looked back at them, astonished after years of assuming that fat is what everyone sees first. But today it became clear that regardless of my weight or any other insecurity, I have a lot to offer as a person, as a friend. That was a realization I've been waiting for and hoping for. Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty content right about now.
People assume that being on WW is about acceptance...losing weight so others will accept you. But it's really more about learning to accept yourself. We are our toughest critics, very hard to impress. We spend so much time putting the mask on for others that when we take it off, we don't recognize ourselves. But the mask is coming off. This is all me. You don't have to like it. I, for one, love it. It's about time.
9.11.2006
Day Seventy-Three
Good story. I wasn't feeling great Friday morning and called in sick to work. Just the prior day, I was at work and my boss got dropped off by a friend of hers. A friend who hadn't seen me in about five months. When I get to work this morning, she tells me she was really worried about me Friday. "Why?" I asked. She said when her friend had dropped her off the other day, he asked her if I was okay because I'm "so thin." Apparently I am wasting away. :-)
As I'm sure it was for most people, today was a hectic Monday, but also a day for reflection. September 11th, we all hope there will never be a date that hangs as heavy as this one does. Jon and I were watching some of the documentary footage about the planning and construction of the World Trade Center memorial. We were equally annoyed by all of the suits and ties in a meeting about rebuilding what once was the subway station and underground shopping mall, talking about how the site still has a gray and gloomy feeling. "It still feels tragic," said one of these high-priced marketing geniuses. Yes, that's because it is. And it always will be. And if you don't get that, you have no businesses working on the project.
That's what you get for today. One funny story and a rant. Enjoy.
As I'm sure it was for most people, today was a hectic Monday, but also a day for reflection. September 11th, we all hope there will never be a date that hangs as heavy as this one does. Jon and I were watching some of the documentary footage about the planning and construction of the World Trade Center memorial. We were equally annoyed by all of the suits and ties in a meeting about rebuilding what once was the subway station and underground shopping mall, talking about how the site still has a gray and gloomy feeling. "It still feels tragic," said one of these high-priced marketing geniuses. Yes, that's because it is. And it always will be. And if you don't get that, you have no businesses working on the project.
That's what you get for today. One funny story and a rant. Enjoy.
9.10.2006
Day 71: Weigh-In & Day Seventy-Two
It's the day after weigh-in and I'm still kind of in shock. I also feel a little silly, I prefaced this post with an entry about how "off" my week was. As it turns out, I lost 4 lbs. last week, bringing my total loss to 29.6 lbs. I'm at 183.8. I know, crazy, right? In ten weeks. If it weren't happening to me, I'm not sure that I'd believe it.
I was telling M today about how I over-account for things. The minute I see chicken with a creamy sauce or mayo on a sandwich, I immediately think, "That's 1000 points!" Yes, I tend to exaggerate when it comes to food. I think it's a defense mechanism, so I won't be unpleasantly surprised if I don't lose a pound one week. I probably ate just fine and was busy enough that missing two of my exercise days didn't have the impact I expected.
Everyone at church today was making it known that the change is noticeable. I also forgot to mention that I got together with a friend on Friday. He hadn't seen me in about seven or eight years. He said I'm smaller now than he remembers, which gave me a whole new perspective on my weight. I think he's right, I don't think I've weighed this close to 180 in more years than I care to think about. It's just weird to go over all of this in my head now. I can remember very vividly feelings and moments concerning my weight at all different ages. And I'm so not that person any more.
In other news, shout out to M for her first week's loss: 2.6 lbs. Good job, M! I had fun sharing food shopping tips with you. Here's to many more good weeks.
I was telling M today about how I over-account for things. The minute I see chicken with a creamy sauce or mayo on a sandwich, I immediately think, "That's 1000 points!" Yes, I tend to exaggerate when it comes to food. I think it's a defense mechanism, so I won't be unpleasantly surprised if I don't lose a pound one week. I probably ate just fine and was busy enough that missing two of my exercise days didn't have the impact I expected.
Everyone at church today was making it known that the change is noticeable. I also forgot to mention that I got together with a friend on Friday. He hadn't seen me in about seven or eight years. He said I'm smaller now than he remembers, which gave me a whole new perspective on my weight. I think he's right, I don't think I've weighed this close to 180 in more years than I care to think about. It's just weird to go over all of this in my head now. I can remember very vividly feelings and moments concerning my weight at all different ages. And I'm so not that person any more.
In other news, shout out to M for her first week's loss: 2.6 lbs. Good job, M! I had fun sharing food shopping tips with you. Here's to many more good weeks.
9.09.2006
Days Sixty-Nine and Seventy
I'm slackin' again! Headed to my WW meeting in about a half-hour. I feel really great this morning, despite the fact that I can't really give you a count of my points for the week. Starting off the week at the wedding, eating on the road, a business meeting on Thursday, it made the week pretty hectic. I can tell you that I only got in one day of exercise. Again, not anxious, more curious about what the scale holds for me today.
Regarding Thursday's meeting, it was amazing. Jon and I (and even Isaiah) met with a group of vendors who provide various services in the wedding industry. Jon brought video demos and I brought samples of my jewelry. It was exciting to be amongst a group of young, highly motivated people making their way doing what they love. The goal is to become a tight network that provides exclusive referrals for new clients. I felt like we fit into the group really well and had something valuable to offer.
I also was not self-conscious, for the most part. There was this moment when one of the bridal models arrived for the meeting...she's gorgeous. I think it was intimidation I felt for a minute, but it didn't last long. I got the chance to talk with her afterwards, she's such a nice person. At that point, intimidation was gone, I was just really thankful to be there and have the opportunity to meet all these people. There seems to be a lot of potential there.
Talked a little with my WW buddy M last night. She's having a similar week to me, not sure where the points stand. But she's surprising herself by discovering new eating habits, and realizing satisfaction when she eats. I totally know those feelings, they're like a friend to me now! So it was good to catch up and share. You're doing great, M! Glad to share the ride with you.
Anyhow, heading out in a minute, so I'll be back later with the numbers report.
Regarding Thursday's meeting, it was amazing. Jon and I (and even Isaiah) met with a group of vendors who provide various services in the wedding industry. Jon brought video demos and I brought samples of my jewelry. It was exciting to be amongst a group of young, highly motivated people making their way doing what they love. The goal is to become a tight network that provides exclusive referrals for new clients. I felt like we fit into the group really well and had something valuable to offer.
I also was not self-conscious, for the most part. There was this moment when one of the bridal models arrived for the meeting...she's gorgeous. I think it was intimidation I felt for a minute, but it didn't last long. I got the chance to talk with her afterwards, she's such a nice person. At that point, intimidation was gone, I was just really thankful to be there and have the opportunity to meet all these people. There seems to be a lot of potential there.
Talked a little with my WW buddy M last night. She's having a similar week to me, not sure where the points stand. But she's surprising herself by discovering new eating habits, and realizing satisfaction when she eats. I totally know those feelings, they're like a friend to me now! So it was good to catch up and share. You're doing great, M! Glad to share the ride with you.
Anyhow, heading out in a minute, so I'll be back later with the numbers report.
9.06.2006
Day Sixty-Eight
Work was a bit hectic this morning, so Breakfast Burrito Wednesday was a welcome treat. So hectic, in fact, that I ended up bringing the thing home and Jon and I split it for lunch with some of those really good Trader Joe's potatoes. That's another good way to cut down on points...split your food with someone. I really didn't need to eat that whole thing anyway. As one of my fellow BBW colleagues mentioned, after just one bite you're ready for a nap.
I had a really good talk with a friend last night. I sorta spilled my guts about my weight loss and all of the insecurities that surround it. He reconfirmed all of the things I've been learning and what I had originally suspected about the changes within. And I quote, "Change the exterior if you see fit to do so, but you need to focus on change from the inside out." Good advice for anyone facing the self-esteem challenges that accompany weight issues. Actually, I see the two as very interrelated. For me I think the physical changes on the outside that others are now seeing are the result of the changes already made inside. The two have to work together or no real productive change will ever come.
I'm looking toward Saturday and expecting some possible gain on the scale. Let's put it this way, it wouldn't be a surprise if that happened. But I don't have anxiety about this, which is good. I'm just looking ahead with excitement and anticipation of what's to come.
I had a really good talk with a friend last night. I sorta spilled my guts about my weight loss and all of the insecurities that surround it. He reconfirmed all of the things I've been learning and what I had originally suspected about the changes within. And I quote, "Change the exterior if you see fit to do so, but you need to focus on change from the inside out." Good advice for anyone facing the self-esteem challenges that accompany weight issues. Actually, I see the two as very interrelated. For me I think the physical changes on the outside that others are now seeing are the result of the changes already made inside. The two have to work together or no real productive change will ever come.
I'm looking toward Saturday and expecting some possible gain on the scale. Let's put it this way, it wouldn't be a surprise if that happened. But I don't have anxiety about this, which is good. I'm just looking ahead with excitement and anticipation of what's to come.
9.05.2006
Day Sixty-Seven - This Could Get Messy
So I haddabadday. Not really. The events of the day were fine. Just feeling crappy. Part of it is that we just got back from our not-so-power walk. I don't recommend taking a week off from exercise. Everything felt out of sync and I'm out of focus. And ultimately, I feel FAT. Like over the weekend twenty-five pounds just jumped up, clamped onto my body and screamed, "We're not going anywhere!!!" I felt every jiggle, and hated it. And then toward the end, my right hand and foot started to go numb. I was thinking to myself, "What's wrong with me? Am I having a stroke?" It was weird.
The highs and lows that I can have in a single day are amazing. Today at work, one of my co-workers came back from being on vacation for the entire summer. She hadn't seen me since the end of April. When she did see me, her eyes got huge and she couldn't stop saying how great I look. She said I'm a "shadow of my former self." It was neat to see such a sincere reaction. Then in the evening, as I'm walking, I'm feeling flabby and thinking to myself, "How did I let myself get to this point?" Ultimately I know there are a lot of answers to that question. It's purely rhetorical. But still, it was there in my head.
I know everything's good. I look at my 25 pound magnet on the fridge and still marvel that I've come this far. That's why we have those magnets and bookmarks and keychains. They serve as good reminders for moments like this. May seem like small potatoes (unnecessary food reference) to others, but they're a big deal to a WW gal like me.
Tomorrow is another day, Lord willing. I'm looking forward to it.
The highs and lows that I can have in a single day are amazing. Today at work, one of my co-workers came back from being on vacation for the entire summer. She hadn't seen me since the end of April. When she did see me, her eyes got huge and she couldn't stop saying how great I look. She said I'm a "shadow of my former self." It was neat to see such a sincere reaction. Then in the evening, as I'm walking, I'm feeling flabby and thinking to myself, "How did I let myself get to this point?" Ultimately I know there are a lot of answers to that question. It's purely rhetorical. But still, it was there in my head.
I know everything's good. I look at my 25 pound magnet on the fridge and still marvel that I've come this far. That's why we have those magnets and bookmarks and keychains. They serve as good reminders for moments like this. May seem like small potatoes (unnecessary food reference) to others, but they're a big deal to a WW gal like me.
Tomorrow is another day, Lord willing. I'm looking forward to it.
9.04.2006
Day Sixty-Six
Just FYI, at the end of this week my point counts are going to be way off. Though I know it's not true, I feel like I ate my way through our little vacation and then again upon our return home. We got back about 1pm today and I had two turkey hot dogs and a little of Jon's chili cheese fries. Ordering the turkey dogs was sort of an effort toward good choices, I guess. But sharing the chili fries...that was pure indulgence.
Also, I have not exercised since last Tuesday. I really wanted to get some kind of activity in during the trip, but walking, jogging, pretty much even standing still in 100+ degree weather is just brutal. I even had the thought of going for a swim or checking for a work-out room at the hotel. Didn't happen. Everything just went so fast. Am I trying to make myself feel better by justifying to you that I thought about exercise? Probably. Isn't that just sad? Definitely.
It's good to be home. Time to get back into the swing of life. The next few months will be pretty eventful in this household. I know that busy-ness and even the change in seasons can sometime pose challenges to exercise and weight loss. But I'm sticking with it. Can't stop after I've come this far.
Have yet to see a picture of me in that little strappy number. I have a vision in my mind, which could be totally off. I think Jon has some video footage. I kinda want to see it. And I kinda don't. How it looks to me will determine if I share it with you. Stay tuned.
Also, I have not exercised since last Tuesday. I really wanted to get some kind of activity in during the trip, but walking, jogging, pretty much even standing still in 100+ degree weather is just brutal. I even had the thought of going for a swim or checking for a work-out room at the hotel. Didn't happen. Everything just went so fast. Am I trying to make myself feel better by justifying to you that I thought about exercise? Probably. Isn't that just sad? Definitely.
It's good to be home. Time to get back into the swing of life. The next few months will be pretty eventful in this household. I know that busy-ness and even the change in seasons can sometime pose challenges to exercise and weight loss. But I'm sticking with it. Can't stop after I've come this far.
Have yet to see a picture of me in that little strappy number. I have a vision in my mind, which could be totally off. I think Jon has some video footage. I kinda want to see it. And I kinda don't. How it looks to me will determine if I share it with you. Stay tuned.
9.03.2006
Day Sixty-Five
A beautiful day indeed, in Clovis, California. The wedding didn't start until 6:30pm and Jon and Reub didn't have to set up until 3:30pm so we got up and walked around Old Town. So quiet and peaceful on a Sunday morning. Everyone was at church. Wanna know how I know? Cuz the signs in all the shop windows around town read, "Hours of Operation: Mon-Fri 9-5, Sat 12-5, Sun - Worship the Lord."
As expected, I dropped the guys off at the house for set up and went back the hotel to get ready, only to try on every combination of outfit I had brought with me. And also as expected, I ended up with my first choice, what I'd had in mind all along. It seems the doubting never stops, even with seemingly small things like getting dressed for a wedding. I wore one of the strappy tops, and I felt really good in it. Not self-conscious, not fat. Dare I say there was a hint of confidence in the air? I don't know, this whole thing is just so strange. My self-image has come a long way, but it's still an uphill climb. I'm getting there.
The wedding and reception were absolutely the most beautiful I'd ever seen. Bride and Groom practically grew up together. The family was warm and welcoming. Close attention was paid to every detail. It was a very nice evening. As far as points are concerned, I didn't even venture a guess. Not that I think I did all that bad, but I'm positive I went over and I just want to enjoy the night for what it was. Will get back to strict counting tomorrow.
At the reception we sat with the minister and his wife and another couple from the church. Inevitably the topic of WW came up. The pastor's wife has been leaning toward trying WW as her sister has been on the program for some time. The other woman at the table did the program with her daughter. The daughter said, "It didn't work." Her mom corrected her with, "It worked, we just quit going." And the one thing that was unanimous at our table was you must attend the meetings. It's such a big help and encouragement. I couldn't agree more.
We'll head home in the morning. Can't wait to see Zaya. It's been a good break for me, but I miss that little guy. Not to mention that he keeps my activity points up. Adios, Clovis. Bon Voyage, Goodmans. May you enjoy every moment of life's journey together.
As expected, I dropped the guys off at the house for set up and went back the hotel to get ready, only to try on every combination of outfit I had brought with me. And also as expected, I ended up with my first choice, what I'd had in mind all along. It seems the doubting never stops, even with seemingly small things like getting dressed for a wedding. I wore one of the strappy tops, and I felt really good in it. Not self-conscious, not fat. Dare I say there was a hint of confidence in the air? I don't know, this whole thing is just so strange. My self-image has come a long way, but it's still an uphill climb. I'm getting there.
The wedding and reception were absolutely the most beautiful I'd ever seen. Bride and Groom practically grew up together. The family was warm and welcoming. Close attention was paid to every detail. It was a very nice evening. As far as points are concerned, I didn't even venture a guess. Not that I think I did all that bad, but I'm positive I went over and I just want to enjoy the night for what it was. Will get back to strict counting tomorrow.
At the reception we sat with the minister and his wife and another couple from the church. Inevitably the topic of WW came up. The pastor's wife has been leaning toward trying WW as her sister has been on the program for some time. The other woman at the table did the program with her daughter. The daughter said, "It didn't work." Her mom corrected her with, "It worked, we just quit going." And the one thing that was unanimous at our table was you must attend the meetings. It's such a big help and encouragement. I couldn't agree more.
We'll head home in the morning. Can't wait to see Zaya. It's been a good break for me, but I miss that little guy. Not to mention that he keeps my activity points up. Adios, Clovis. Bon Voyage, Goodmans. May you enjoy every moment of life's journey together.
9.02.2006
Day 64: Weigh In
So I stand corrected. We're not in Fresno, we're in Clovis. Had a nice drive up, the hotel is great. Spent the afternoon and evening with the Goodman and Gelardi families - really great people. It was an honor to be allowed the chance to witness the run through at the rehearsal and even more of an honor to have dinner and hear the bride and groom share sincere sentiments about their family and friends.
We ate at this great Mexican food place. On the way there I was trying to figure out what I could eat to stay within my daily points. When we arrived, Jon said, "let's just enjoy ourselves, not count points for the night." I struggled for a minute, then realized he was right. This WW journey is for the long haul. I shouldn't be trying to race through it to lose weight as fast as I can. I should take the time to enjoy the ride, and the celebratory moments, like tonight. And I'm glad I did.
I just realized I have yet to mention my weigh in today. I lost exactly 1 pound this week, for a grand total of 25.6. When you reach big milestones, like 25 and 50 pounds you get a WW magnet for the fridge. When I received my magnet today, I smiled because it says "I Did It!" It's a great reminder that I really did do it. Our leader Jim was asking about how we can ensure that we make it to our goal, to complete the rest of the picture that we have of ourselves as we'd like to be. Hands went up and people mentioned all of the important components of the program; counting your points, making exercise a priority, thining positively. All absolutely true. But for me the key has been reminding myself how far I have come. Considering that I never anticipated I could succeed at this, 25 pounds is simply amazing. It's not only a number that others pay attention to, it's a number that I pay attention to and that will motivate me to keep going.
There was a girl at the meeting today that I don't remember seeing before. She looked young. When Jim asked us what we hoped to accomplish on WW, she raised her hand and said that when she walks into a room, she doesn't want to be stared at. That really hit home for me. That's the mental part of struggling with your weight. I've felt exactly the same way. Even though I know it's probably not true, people are not always seeing my fat before they see me. But that's the way it feels. I felt so bad for this girl. And I hope that she keeps coming, that she commits to the program with her whole heart and celebrates her achievements. It is one of the hardest but most rewarding things she'll ever do.
We ate at this great Mexican food place. On the way there I was trying to figure out what I could eat to stay within my daily points. When we arrived, Jon said, "let's just enjoy ourselves, not count points for the night." I struggled for a minute, then realized he was right. This WW journey is for the long haul. I shouldn't be trying to race through it to lose weight as fast as I can. I should take the time to enjoy the ride, and the celebratory moments, like tonight. And I'm glad I did.
I just realized I have yet to mention my weigh in today. I lost exactly 1 pound this week, for a grand total of 25.6. When you reach big milestones, like 25 and 50 pounds you get a WW magnet for the fridge. When I received my magnet today, I smiled because it says "I Did It!" It's a great reminder that I really did do it. Our leader Jim was asking about how we can ensure that we make it to our goal, to complete the rest of the picture that we have of ourselves as we'd like to be. Hands went up and people mentioned all of the important components of the program; counting your points, making exercise a priority, thining positively. All absolutely true. But for me the key has been reminding myself how far I have come. Considering that I never anticipated I could succeed at this, 25 pounds is simply amazing. It's not only a number that others pay attention to, it's a number that I pay attention to and that will motivate me to keep going.
There was a girl at the meeting today that I don't remember seeing before. She looked young. When Jim asked us what we hoped to accomplish on WW, she raised her hand and said that when she walks into a room, she doesn't want to be stared at. That really hit home for me. That's the mental part of struggling with your weight. I've felt exactly the same way. Even though I know it's probably not true, people are not always seeing my fat before they see me. But that's the way it feels. I felt so bad for this girl. And I hope that she keeps coming, that she commits to the program with her whole heart and celebrates her achievements. It is one of the hardest but most rewarding things she'll ever do.
9.01.2006
Day Sixty-Three
Almost packed for Fresno. The house is ready for Zaya's weekend visitors, Nana and Papa. Very ready to have three days off in a row. And looking forward to the meeting tomorrow morning. Feeling somewhat heavy, but that's normal for me on the eve of weigh in. I still expect the worst sometimes. Finished out the week with thirteen points to spare. I only exercised twice this week, so I'm curious about the effects of that.
Feeling very content at the moment. New things and changes every day. I find that I welcome change now. It used to be a fear, now it's refreshing because I know what it's like to stay still too long.
Here's to a working weekend that will hopefully turn into a mini-vacation. For you faithful followers out there, I'm bringing my laptop. (Yes, Grady, just for you)
G'night.
Feeling very content at the moment. New things and changes every day. I find that I welcome change now. It used to be a fear, now it's refreshing because I know what it's like to stay still too long.
Here's to a working weekend that will hopefully turn into a mini-vacation. For you faithful followers out there, I'm bringing my laptop. (Yes, Grady, just for you)
G'night.
8.31.2006
Day Sixty-Two
I can somewhat understand now how people can "forget to eat." When I first started WW, Mary told us to remember to eat all of our alotted points. I didn't think this would be a problem for a fatty like me. And it really never has been. But there's a lot of activity in the Pascual household these days. Prepping for a weekend trip to Fresno and a host of other things, not to mention chasing around a bouncy almost-two-year-old who likes to test my patience. So today morning came and went at work, then the afternoon. I finally had lunch at about 2:30. Of course it didn't last long, I ended up eating all of my daily points. But still, I see how much busy-ness affects your eating.
Speaking of Fresno, I went to the mall this evening to find a little something to wear to the wedding. I have these nice black pants that fit great, so I knew I just needed a top. Preferably something light and summery, as I hear Fresno is located just south of the sun. I end up at my favorite fat lady store mainly because I knew I could find something there. And I did! On the clearance rack, even. I bought two cute little "strappy" tops, so I can have a choice. They were six bucks, I figured what the heck. I really surprised myself though because typically "strappy" is a word used to describe clothes for skinny girls. I don't think I've ever worn anything "strappy." I'm not used to revealing that much skin, so it's odd. But they fit great.
I'm thrilled that I get to attend the WW meeting this week. I had originally thought that because of our trip, I'd have to miss. It's really funny how much I look forward to the meetings. It used to be because I was so anxious about seeing the numbers at weigh-in. But I've found such comfort among the other people there, who understand the love/hate relationship with food and exercise.
Heard from a friend this evening who just went to her first WW meeting. She's talked about it for awhile, but has a very hectic schedule so she wasn't sure when she could fit it in. Tonight she said, "I just walked to my car and drove myself over." That's it, that's what it takes, just making that decision and doing it. I told her she had just done the hardest part. Though over the next months there will be a lot of difficult moments. She has taken the most important step mentally. (I'm so proud of you, M, gorgeous one)
Speaking of Fresno, I went to the mall this evening to find a little something to wear to the wedding. I have these nice black pants that fit great, so I knew I just needed a top. Preferably something light and summery, as I hear Fresno is located just south of the sun. I end up at my favorite fat lady store mainly because I knew I could find something there. And I did! On the clearance rack, even. I bought two cute little "strappy" tops, so I can have a choice. They were six bucks, I figured what the heck. I really surprised myself though because typically "strappy" is a word used to describe clothes for skinny girls. I don't think I've ever worn anything "strappy." I'm not used to revealing that much skin, so it's odd. But they fit great.
I'm thrilled that I get to attend the WW meeting this week. I had originally thought that because of our trip, I'd have to miss. It's really funny how much I look forward to the meetings. It used to be because I was so anxious about seeing the numbers at weigh-in. But I've found such comfort among the other people there, who understand the love/hate relationship with food and exercise.
Heard from a friend this evening who just went to her first WW meeting. She's talked about it for awhile, but has a very hectic schedule so she wasn't sure when she could fit it in. Tonight she said, "I just walked to my car and drove myself over." That's it, that's what it takes, just making that decision and doing it. I told her she had just done the hardest part. Though over the next months there will be a lot of difficult moments. She has taken the most important step mentally. (I'm so proud of you, M, gorgeous one)
8.30.2006
Day Fifty-Nine, Day Sixty and Day Sixty-One
WHERE'S CARRIE? People are wondering. Getting all kinds of flack for missing a couple of blogging days. Folks are clamoring to hear my thoughts, who knew? Don't get excited, everything's fine. Everything's better than fine, actually. Stuff is happening quickly here, so I've been tied up. As Wade would say, my a-polly-ologies. I'll try to recap here.
The first thing is, through a random connection Jon found, there is interest in my jewelry. A connection that could help get me back into making and selling on a regular basis. To start, I'll be designing some things for an upcoming photo shoot, and I can't wait to pull my creativity out of the closet. I met with the owners of a local company that help plan weddings and events. They've got great vision and a great network in place. Realizing that I've been out of practice for awhile, Monday night I found myself literally dusting off some old sample pieces to show. I was pleasantly surprised...they're not half bad. They were enough to give a good idea of what I'm capable of.
As I was sitting in Starbucks with my legs crossed (something I do much more often now, simply because I CAN!), sharing thoughts with another entrepreneurial spirit, some things occurred to me. My confidence level is so different. I wasn't thinking about my fat. I was thinking about the things we were discussing...what a concept! I felt like I could really envision myself working creatively with weddings and fashion. I could fit into that world. The primary reason I didn't actively pursue marketing my jewelry in the past was because I didn't think I was good enough, in so many ways.
In the midst of all this new creative energy, I reconnected once again with an old friend. Someone who I probably took for granted in high school, but now can see has had my best interest in mind all these years. We've been out of touch for a long time. I shared about Elena and Isaiah with him. I told him about my insecurity and my weight loss. Each new revelation was completely accepted and embraced. Like these things are all a part of me and they're ok. Very enlightening stuff.
On a lighter note, after having eaten a breakfast burrito last week (nothing dietetic about it) and still losing three pounds, some co-workers and I have decided to institute Breakfast Burrito Wednesdays. I jokingly told them, "I'll do it til it stops working." I figure an occasional treat is not bad. So I had one today...really, really good. But my body is so not used to this type of food anymore. I didn't get sick or anything, just felt heavy and sleepy afterward. The original plan was to cut it in half and eat the rest later. But like most any Weight Watcher will tell you, it was in front of me, so I ate the whole darn thing.
Before this year and all of it's emotional changes, I think I probably missed out on a lot of things. I wouldn't have eagerly pursued a new jewelry contact. I wouldn't have let sleeping dogs lie with old friends. I wasn't sure of who I was because I was hiding under a lot of layers (physical and otherwise). That's what a lot of people don't understand about weight loss. It's not just aesthetic. It's not about vanity. Well, maybe a little. But mainly it's about changing from the inside out. And the fact is, until the inner changes come, you really won't see outer results.
The first thing is, through a random connection Jon found, there is interest in my jewelry. A connection that could help get me back into making and selling on a regular basis. To start, I'll be designing some things for an upcoming photo shoot, and I can't wait to pull my creativity out of the closet. I met with the owners of a local company that help plan weddings and events. They've got great vision and a great network in place. Realizing that I've been out of practice for awhile, Monday night I found myself literally dusting off some old sample pieces to show. I was pleasantly surprised...they're not half bad. They were enough to give a good idea of what I'm capable of.
As I was sitting in Starbucks with my legs crossed (something I do much more often now, simply because I CAN!), sharing thoughts with another entrepreneurial spirit, some things occurred to me. My confidence level is so different. I wasn't thinking about my fat. I was thinking about the things we were discussing...what a concept! I felt like I could really envision myself working creatively with weddings and fashion. I could fit into that world. The primary reason I didn't actively pursue marketing my jewelry in the past was because I didn't think I was good enough, in so many ways.
In the midst of all this new creative energy, I reconnected once again with an old friend. Someone who I probably took for granted in high school, but now can see has had my best interest in mind all these years. We've been out of touch for a long time. I shared about Elena and Isaiah with him. I told him about my insecurity and my weight loss. Each new revelation was completely accepted and embraced. Like these things are all a part of me and they're ok. Very enlightening stuff.
On a lighter note, after having eaten a breakfast burrito last week (nothing dietetic about it) and still losing three pounds, some co-workers and I have decided to institute Breakfast Burrito Wednesdays. I jokingly told them, "I'll do it til it stops working." I figure an occasional treat is not bad. So I had one today...really, really good. But my body is so not used to this type of food anymore. I didn't get sick or anything, just felt heavy and sleepy afterward. The original plan was to cut it in half and eat the rest later. But like most any Weight Watcher will tell you, it was in front of me, so I ate the whole darn thing.
Before this year and all of it's emotional changes, I think I probably missed out on a lot of things. I wouldn't have eagerly pursued a new jewelry contact. I wouldn't have let sleeping dogs lie with old friends. I wasn't sure of who I was because I was hiding under a lot of layers (physical and otherwise). That's what a lot of people don't understand about weight loss. It's not just aesthetic. It's not about vanity. Well, maybe a little. But mainly it's about changing from the inside out. And the fact is, until the inner changes come, you really won't see outer results.
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