Day Nine Hundred Thirteen

"I've got another confession to make, I'm your fool.
Everyone's got their chains to break, holdin' you.
Were you born to resist, or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?"

from "Best of You," by The Foo Fighters

Remember when I used to write about weight and exercise and motivation or the lack thereof? *sigh* Those were the days. You may be asking yourself, "What happened?" The answer is simple...life. Life happened. Not just in the busy-running-to-work-and-taking-the-kid-to-gymnastics kind of way. Also in the looking-inside-and-battling-emotional-turmoil way as well.

How much do I weigh? Couldn't tell ya. The last WW meeting I attended? Months ago. Exercise? Sounds vaguely familiar. Yep, I think it's safe to say I fell off the wagon. Or safer to say that I took a flying leap.

It wasn't a conscious decision by any means. It's not like I woke up one day and said, "I wanna be fat again. Screw Weight Watchers!" More accurately I would say 2008 dealt me a tumultuous hand internally. And ironically, having lost fifty pounds and coming within twelve pounds of my goal is what triggered the inward reflection. In combination with the wear and tear of marriage, parenting, working in a "challenging" (translation = crazy) office environment, coming this close to five excellent employment opportunities and having none of them pan out...it all swirled together and resulted in me basically giving up on myself.

It isn't that I forgot how capable I am, that I was able to lose fifty pounds in just over a year. It's more that I was fighting too many other battles (most of them within myself) and started to think, "What's the point?" Maybe I was afraid of reaching my goal weight and having all of the other chaos still lingering around. I was forced to face the real reasons why I joined WW in the first place and just who it is that I want to be.

On Christmas Eve, I was out to dinner with Jon, Z and K. We were doing a little "year-in-review," listing off our individual accomplishments in 2008. Jon's whole year was practically taken up with shooting and editing a feature-length documentary, shooting beach volleyball footage for a potential project about Casey Jennings and his Olympic Gold Medalist wife Kerri Walsh, working a handful of weddings and an assortment of freelance gigs and part-time jobs. Kaitlin left her small town home in Michigan and moved to California (where she knew no one) just days after graduating high school be a live-in caretaker and work for my boss before taking on a second job. Zaya went on eleven auditions resulting in television commercial jobs for Target and McDonalds, and started a gymnastics class that he loves. Me? I...pretty much worked, took care of the homefront and supported all three of them through all of it.

At first glance, I saw this as a glass half-empty conversation. It made me sad that I was only able to come up with a short list of firsts which included singing karaoke and tasting sushi for the first time. But I quickly changed my perspective. I realized that the glass half-empty point of view is what was holding me back all year. I kept looking for what was lacking and overlooking what was already there in abundance.

I've made it to the point where I'm thankful for 2008 because I learned so much. Yes everyone around me was getting the best of me, leaving little left for myself. But it's not because they were taking it, it's because I was giving it away. Like most busy wives and moms these days, I've never made myself a priority. I've given the best of who I am to my parents, my husband, my children, my job, my volunteer work, and my friends. But I'm starting to see how much value and worth lies within me. I have much to offer all of those people because I am an intelligent, creative, loving, compassionate person. The timing of my accomplishments is not the same as everyone else's. And that's ok. Not to mention that who I am and what I have to offer is a pretty huge accomplishment in itself.

So what does all of this reflection add up to? That I'm excited about the new year. That I've committed myself to being a little more selfish. That I'm going back to following the WW program for my health and because I want to look good. That I'm going to spend more time playing with words and taking photos, rolling in the grass with my son, and all of the other things that I have a passion for. That I'm going to stop defining myself as someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's employee, and start defining myself as me.

As a friend wrote in their Christmas card to us this year, "We know that life is fragile and not all the days are uppers. May the new year be filled with peace, good health and strong bonds." I couldn't have said it any better. I am a blessed person. God is good to me everyday. It's about time I started being good to myself.

"I've got another confession my friend, I'm no fool.
I'm getting tired of starting again, somewhere new.
Were you born to resist, or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in...I refuse."

Day Nine-Hundred Ten

Dear Mr. President-Elect Obama,
Just a short note from one lil ole' American citizen to another. You may recall that just over one month ago, you placed an important footprint on the path of our nation's history. And we were all watching. So many with tears of joy in their eyes and hope in their hearts that you will be the one to take the lemons we've haphazardly strewn about and make lemonade.

I just want you to know that I and my family are praying for you and yours. We, who did not even vote for you, will support you as our leader and respect you as an authority and a human being. Thankfully I am only responsible for myself. I cannot speak for those who so enthusiastically voted you into office and weeks later are questioning your character and leadership purely because of the minister you chose for your inaugural invocation and because of the possibility that the name "Jesus" might be uttered at this historic ceremony. I'm not that fickle. As far as I'm concerned this country, and you, face a mountain of challenges and issues, the least of which involves whether or not the Lord's name is mentioned in a (GASP! Non-demoninational deity or spirit-like being forbid) prayer.

So as we approach this most momentous occasion, remember that there are some out there who are with you, looking to a brighter tomorrow for all of us, not ready to tear you down in an instant for making a choice that you believe in.

Sincerely,
Carrie

Day Eight Hundred Fifty-Seven

In the words of a white rapper known only to Christian thirty-somethings in small pockets around the world...

"These are extreme, extreme days." - TobyMac

Last night, along with millions of others glued to their television sets, I watched history in the making. The United States of America elected it's first African-American president. After weeks of watching the financial structure of this country crumble, and years of watching wars waged on foreign soil and social unrest thrive in our own backyards, citizens from coast to coast breathed a collective sigh of relief. Everyone smiling ear-to-ear, erupting in excited cheers and quiet tears of joy, clutching their paper campaign signs calling out for "CHANGE." It was a memorable and undeniably meaningful event for Americans.

Recently, Jon and I have been playing this horribly politically incorrect game we like to call, "At least you're not..." Usually it takes place in attempt to make ourselves feel better after commiserating about our finances or the daily stresses in our family. We stop to think about people we've heard of who face serious and severe challenges. And one of us will turn to the other and say, "At least you're not (insert name of down-and-out individual here)." Though he is far from down-and-out and though he is celebrating a monumental victory, today I can wholeheartedly say, "At least I'm not Barack Obama."

Last night I listened to our "fair and objective" media refer to President-Elect Obama as a "savior" and the "high-priest of change." I listened to people say that their hope is now restored. That is an awful lot for one man to live up to. A man who has said a lot of pretty words and been endorsed by a lot of pretty people, but who is at the heart of the matter still just one man who has a lot to prove.

I wish that this election meant as much positivity for our country as people give it credit for. I wish having our first African-American president meant that racism is being diminished. I wish the average American were as willing to face accountability for their own actions and contribute their own "calloused hands" to the cause of making this country better, as Obama indicated is necessary. But the fact is racism is still alive and well. We have our first African-American president not out of decreased bigotry but out of increased desperation. As far as I can tell anyone who was NOT Bush (i.e. NOT Republican) would have been all the change this country was seeking. Sure it helps that Obama is young and poised and eloquent. But God help the man who has now taken the reigns of a country of citizens that are quick to relinquish all personal responsibility and are relying on him to take this jumbled mess and fix it.

I'm gonna raise a lot of eyebrows with this entry. Especially from friends whose mouths will drop open and say, "She didn't vote for Obama????" No, I didn't vote for Obama. But at the same time, I want him to succeed. I want him to be a strong president and make decisions that will guide America to a brighter tomorrow, which if I'm not mistaken, is the same thing that everyone else wants. I will pray for him and his family as they head to the White House and face the next four years. And I will lend my hands and heart wherever I can to making this country a safe and strong place for my son and future generations. I commit myself to being a good citizen and supporting my president.

But as far as my hopes and faith, those remain where they've always been. With the One who created us all. The One who was and is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Yes my fellow American, these are extreme days. And maybe it's time we present the boldness of our beliefs in extreme ways.

May God keep His hand over us all.

Day Eight-Hundred Thirty Six

I live with two miracles. One of them bounds around the house on a daily basis, heavy feet stomping and silky waves bouncing on his head. He addresses me as any number of female characters from any number of his favorite DVD's...and he waits for me to respond, calling him by the name of a male counterpart. "Hey Elsie???"..."Yes, Snowcat." or "Oh Sally???"..."Yes, Stickers." These are the sounds you'll hear in our house all day long. In addition to the sound of uncontrollable, tickled-little-boy laughter. The sound of kicking, screaming I-want-it-now tantrums. The sound of growling bear hugs and kisses before bed. Just the thought of him brings sighs of pride and tears of joy.

My other miracle doesn't speak, she's much softer in volume, but her presence is just as loud. She weighed less than a pound when she was born. Her tiny hand and footprints hang on the wall in the hallway of our home. We were given just hours to see her and hold her. But she's there, no matter where I go. Her name is known to people all over the world. She's introduced me to new friends and brought me closer to my family. Just the thought of her brings sighs of pride and tears of joy.

Today, on Zaya's birthday, I celebrate four jam-packed, amazing years of life for my superstar son. And today, on Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I remember and honor the brief seconds of life for my daughter Elena, the shining light.

To my two miracles...thank you. Mommy loves you.

Day Eight Hundred Thirty-Four

We Remember.

O.C. Walk To Remember 2008 from Jonathan Pascual on Vimeo.

Day Seven Hundred Seventy

Very deep. Very true. Brings a lot of things to mind. I think I need to keep pondering this one for a bit...

Day Seven Hundred Sixty-One

Six years ago today, I felt her. I felt for the first time my body telling me what a vulnerable state she was in. I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know what could happen. But I felt her in me and with me. She was there.

In the days that followed, I felt her. I felt for the first time my heart in heavy pieces that seemed they would be impossible to put back together. I didn't know how to go on without her. I didn't know if I could go on without her. But still I felt her in me and with me. She was there.

This morning, on the day she would have turned six years old, I feel her. I feel for the first time the love that she introduced me to, because it's bigger and touches me in different ways every day. I feel the indescribable mix of joy and pain that was having her and losing her all at once. I feel robbed of the giggles and smiles, the kisses on my cheek and the skinny arms wrapped tightly around my neck. I feel blessed by the overwhelming reach her life continues to have. I don't know who she would have been. I don't know who she could have been. But I know who she is. I feel her in me and with me.

She is here.

Happy Birthday, Elena. Your light still shines the brightest.

Day Six Hundred Seventy

I'm feeling a little anxious about having exercised only one day this week. For once in my life I'm at this place where it's not for lack of motivation, just lack of time. I guess it's a good type of frustration (if there is such a thing)...most people don't suffer from "desire to exercise."

Took Z to an audition yesterday. And of course the kid who I normally can't keep from swinging on the ceiling fan and singing "Show Me What You Got Little Mama" at the top of his lungs was uncharacteristically shy and quiet in front of the people who want to pay him for acting crazy. Go figure.

While we were there, though, I was notably inspired by one of the little boys in Z's audition group. Most of the children in the room, including my own son, had apparently been too well trained by their parents to be polite and reserved in social situations. Each one would stand on the mark, state his name and age, and when asked to dance and get wild, would carefully shift his weight from one leg to the other with a half-smile, as if waiting for a disapproving remark from a nearby parent.

But there was one little boy with Down Syndrome who just lit up the room. He looked right into the camera, proudly said his name, and when the music started, he brought out some moves that had us all clapping and cheering. No inhibitions whatsoever, just pure joy. One minute he was jumping and clapping and spinning, the next he was on the floor breakdancing in a style all his own. Z and I watched with matching ear to ear grins and applauded loudly for this little boy who couldn't bring himself to stop dancing, even when the music had ended.

I left there a little jealous of that little boy. Wishing he could teach me how to let go like that. When I'm jogging on the bike path, or just walking through a crowded room...I need to remember him, put on that smile and enjoy each experience for me and only me.

Day Six Hundred Sixty-Eight

I developed a new appreciation for the treadmill yesterday. Typically I prefer to do my walking/jogging outdoors purely because the beach is nicer to look at. But I needed to fit in a quick exercise session between the ten thousand things I did yesterday, so the treadmill was the best answer.

My normal treadmill routine is a thirty minute program that goes up a pretty steep incline and includes jogging intermitently for a couple minutes at a time. This time, though, I elected to see how long I could maintain a five mph jogging pace. I surprised myself by keeping it up for twenty minutes. It might have something to do with the fact that when I'm on the bike path and feel like slowing down, there's no threat of injury or death. So the secret to the treadmill? The fear of missing a step and flying uncontrollably off the back end like something from America's Funniest Home Videos. Hey, whatever works, right?

Went to a networking mixer last night and had a great time. The event took place at Lawry's in Beverly Hills, famous for it's prime rib. Only my second time there and I was already hungry when we arrived. The wonderful aroma throughout the place didn't help. We were treated to a great assortment of hors d'hoeuvres and I was having such a good time that I didn't really notice not eating a complete meal. Though I'm sure I took in my share of points with the stuffed mushrooms and salmon topped potato pancakes. But this fell in line with my new goal of trying to eat the bigger meal at lunch time and less in the evening. That's been working out pretty well.

Off and running again today. The bright side to that is that I'll probably burn more calories running errands and lugging around a forty-five pound three-year-old than I would staying home and taking a nap.

Day Six Hundred Sixty-Six

Remember when I used to blog daily??? Ahhh...good times, good times.

Those of you readers out there who have been faithful followers of my journey may recall that early on I said this would probably get messy.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to messy.

At the end of 2007, I had just reached my fifty pound weight loss, the chocolate-and-cookie-happy holiday season was over and I was looking forward to the New Year as a continuation of my success. I had decided to work towards reaching my goal weight by July 1st, as this will mark my two-year anniversary with WW. That meant I only had ten pounds to lose in six months...no problem!

Cut to January 1st - Jon, Z and I are celebrating the New Year with Jon's family. He gets a text message to grab his camera and head out at that moment on a project he knew virtually nothing about. Everything between then and now has been an exciting, frightening, wonderful, horrible, amazing and exhausting blur.

I'm well aware that I go through my daily routine under a fabulous illusion of control. Always got that to-do list in my back pocket and it comforts me somehow. But over the past few months, the wheels have been spinning in so many directions, I've not only misplaced the list, I can't even seem to locate the pants with the pocket it was in.

Long story short, Jon's had the opportunity to shoot behind-the-scenes footage on a film project, produce a documentary feature, and be introduced to a whole new pool of industry folk that are opening doors to exciting places. Because of the new developments in the film industry, I've stepped up my role with PlanetZaya and have taken on more of the marketing and general office responsibilities concerning weddings. Z has been out on a couple of auditions with another scheduled this week, and now proudly proclaims when asked if he has a job, "I'm a model." My "stable" part-time job that I originally took for the convenience factor is no longer stable nor convenient, so I'm on the hunt for employment. Not to mention that having all of these balls up in the air at the same time has made the normal roller coaster of marriage and parenting a challenge, to say the least.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, "What does this have to do with her weight?" EVERYTHING!!! Well, technically nothing. But since I'm the type of person who is more than prone to stress eating, I sorta took a flying leap off the wagon. I was still making good choices for meals, but doing a lot of snacking...taking in lots of sweets, making lots of excuses for myself. In just one month, I gained back eight of the pounds I had lost. So in the first four months of the year instead of losing those ten pounds I had planned on, I gained back fifteen.

About three weeks ago, when I saw the scale creep back to numbers that slapped me in the face, I knew it was time to get back on that wagon. A light switch flipped on in my head and I realized that I've been sabotaging myself, letting my thoughts and emotions get back to a place I never wanted to see again. While losing weight is definitely one of the hardest things for a person to do, I've already proven I can do it so there's no reason for me to take steps backward. I'm committed to reaching my goal, even if it's not by July 1st. I'm making me a priority, and not feeling guilty about it. And I'm toughening up so that when me being a little selfish poses a challenge for others in my life, I won't allow myself to jump into the back seat. I'm done apologizing for what I need. I'm the only one who can drive this car.

Today is a new day, every day is a fresh start. I'm leaving the house without the list and not feeling anxious about it. Heck, I may even leave without the pants! :)

Day Five Hundred Fifty-Six

Being sick stinks. I'm speaking in the figurative sense, of course, because I can't really smell a thing. I'd be fine with all of this involuntary rest if I hadn't just gotten over a really nasty cold (laryngitis and all) a couple weeks ago. And if Jon, Z and I could put a stop to this round robin of hack 'n' wheeze that we've been so generously sharing with each other.

I went into work today for a couple of hours to get things rolling for the day. I think partially my motivation for going to work was to let my scratchy throat speak for itself, so I wouldn't lay in bed at home wondering if the rest of the staff was spending the day standing around the answering machine replaying my call-in-sick message, rolling their eyes to each other and asking, "Didn't she just miss seven days of work?"

The rest of my day has consisted of sleep, drinking tea and watching Pippi Longstocking with Z, my son who is apparently obsessed with crazy red-braided Scandinavian women that wear boots that are eight sizes too big (don't get too excited, G). Sitting down and actually watching one of these movies, instead of plopping Z down in front of the TV so I can get a load of laundry done and feed the dog, has raised some concerns. I mean, the girl throws the dishes out the window after every meal, runs around town buying off neighbors and friends with her big bag of gold coins, lifts horses over her head and lets her monkey cook dinner. Let's just say first order of business around here is making sure Z understands the concept of "imagination."

Being sick isn't all bad. The extra sleep and having the day not speed by is nice. But then when you've got a sore throat, body aches, runny nose and your head feels like it could implode at any moment, you kinda want the day to be over.

Guess it's time to go. Z just climbed the wall in his room to take down the Disney road signs so he can skate around on the hard wood floor. I wish I were kidding.

Thanks, Pippi.

Day Five Hundred Fifty-Six

Revelation and stupidity. Those are the two things that typically inspire me to blog. In this case, it's both. With 2008 being well underway and following an abundantly love-filled holiday season, it's the perfect time to reflect and ponder the things I've learned. And with this world being what it is and people being who they are, stupidity is never lacking.

Let's start with the positives. While I only lost half of the weight in 2007 that I lost in 2006, I had a lot less to lose. Fitness and health were a bigger focus for me, which will hopefully continue this year. Heck, I've already put my Biggest Loser Power Sculpt DVD to good use, so I'm off and running. Literal running hasn't happened as much recently, but I intend to establish a new post-holiday routine of outdoor running and treadmill use. I even pursued my interest in Pilates and visited a local studio that just opened a few months ago. After a very pleasant conversation with the owner, I decided this is definitely something I want to try.

In terms of lost pounds, Christmas always poses a challenge. But in 2007 I made a conscious decision to not only ALLOW myself to splurge, but to ENJOY every aspect of the season. And I can honestly say I did. Being educated about food and very aware of my choices made all the difference. When we had our typical daily meals, I would usually stick to healthier food with low-point values. But then there were the events like the Tree Festival where Z and I decorated gingerbread cookies together, or the family Christmas party where the spread included cheesy potatoes and spinach-artichoke dip. Not to mention my birthday trip to Disneyland for the one gooey cinnamon roll I allow myself to have each year (which in this case took the shape of french toast! Yes, including the butter and syrup.). I think not going overboard is what allowed me to continue losing or at least maintain my weight most weeks.

So I'm starting off the new year feeling pretty darn good. And I feel even better about myself when I'm reminded that choosing a healthier lifestyle is apparently equivalent to rocket science. I say this because as I read this morning's Yahoo headline boldly stating "Four Health Changes Can Prolong Life 14 Years," I expected to learn about some grand new health related discovery. But in fact, what the article had to offer was the same wisdom we all gained as kindergartners exploring the food pyramid for the first time. And I quote:

"People who drink moderately, exercise, quit
smoking and eat five servings of fruit and vegetables each day live years longer
than people who adopt none of these behaviors."

How's that for a scientific breakthrough. My immediate question was, "Who didn't know this already?" But it took a team of British researchers (PAID British researchers, I might add) four years questioning 20,000 people to come up with what we've all known all along...if you eat good stuff and get off your butt on occasion, it's better for you. GENIUS!!! That's almost like saying you have a better chance of living longer if you don't make it a practice to jump in front of moving buses.

Ready or not, 2008 is here. And while each year has it's share of curve balls, we still have the ability to make the best of things. Do something good for yourself this year. For your mental, emotional or physical health. It's far from easy, but it's well worth the effort.