Day Nine Hundred Thirteen

"I've got another confession to make, I'm your fool.
Everyone's got their chains to break, holdin' you.
Were you born to resist, or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?"

from "Best of You," by The Foo Fighters

Remember when I used to write about weight and exercise and motivation or the lack thereof? *sigh* Those were the days. You may be asking yourself, "What happened?" The answer is simple...life. Life happened. Not just in the busy-running-to-work-and-taking-the-kid-to-gymnastics kind of way. Also in the looking-inside-and-battling-emotional-turmoil way as well.

How much do I weigh? Couldn't tell ya. The last WW meeting I attended? Months ago. Exercise? Sounds vaguely familiar. Yep, I think it's safe to say I fell off the wagon. Or safer to say that I took a flying leap.

It wasn't a conscious decision by any means. It's not like I woke up one day and said, "I wanna be fat again. Screw Weight Watchers!" More accurately I would say 2008 dealt me a tumultuous hand internally. And ironically, having lost fifty pounds and coming within twelve pounds of my goal is what triggered the inward reflection. In combination with the wear and tear of marriage, parenting, working in a "challenging" (translation = crazy) office environment, coming this close to five excellent employment opportunities and having none of them pan out...it all swirled together and resulted in me basically giving up on myself.

It isn't that I forgot how capable I am, that I was able to lose fifty pounds in just over a year. It's more that I was fighting too many other battles (most of them within myself) and started to think, "What's the point?" Maybe I was afraid of reaching my goal weight and having all of the other chaos still lingering around. I was forced to face the real reasons why I joined WW in the first place and just who it is that I want to be.

On Christmas Eve, I was out to dinner with Jon, Z and K. We were doing a little "year-in-review," listing off our individual accomplishments in 2008. Jon's whole year was practically taken up with shooting and editing a feature-length documentary, shooting beach volleyball footage for a potential project about Casey Jennings and his Olympic Gold Medalist wife Kerri Walsh, working a handful of weddings and an assortment of freelance gigs and part-time jobs. Kaitlin left her small town home in Michigan and moved to California (where she knew no one) just days after graduating high school be a live-in caretaker and work for my boss before taking on a second job. Zaya went on eleven auditions resulting in television commercial jobs for Target and McDonalds, and started a gymnastics class that he loves. Me? I...pretty much worked, took care of the homefront and supported all three of them through all of it.

At first glance, I saw this as a glass half-empty conversation. It made me sad that I was only able to come up with a short list of firsts which included singing karaoke and tasting sushi for the first time. But I quickly changed my perspective. I realized that the glass half-empty point of view is what was holding me back all year. I kept looking for what was lacking and overlooking what was already there in abundance.

I've made it to the point where I'm thankful for 2008 because I learned so much. Yes everyone around me was getting the best of me, leaving little left for myself. But it's not because they were taking it, it's because I was giving it away. Like most busy wives and moms these days, I've never made myself a priority. I've given the best of who I am to my parents, my husband, my children, my job, my volunteer work, and my friends. But I'm starting to see how much value and worth lies within me. I have much to offer all of those people because I am an intelligent, creative, loving, compassionate person. The timing of my accomplishments is not the same as everyone else's. And that's ok. Not to mention that who I am and what I have to offer is a pretty huge accomplishment in itself.

So what does all of this reflection add up to? That I'm excited about the new year. That I've committed myself to being a little more selfish. That I'm going back to following the WW program for my health and because I want to look good. That I'm going to spend more time playing with words and taking photos, rolling in the grass with my son, and all of the other things that I have a passion for. That I'm going to stop defining myself as someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's employee, and start defining myself as me.

As a friend wrote in their Christmas card to us this year, "We know that life is fragile and not all the days are uppers. May the new year be filled with peace, good health and strong bonds." I couldn't have said it any better. I am a blessed person. God is good to me everyday. It's about time I started being good to myself.

"I've got another confession my friend, I'm no fool.
I'm getting tired of starting again, somewhere new.
Were you born to resist, or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in...I refuse."