I can somewhat understand now how people can "forget to eat." When I first started WW, Mary told us to remember to eat all of our alotted points. I didn't think this would be a problem for a fatty like me. And it really never has been. But there's a lot of activity in the Pascual household these days. Prepping for a weekend trip to Fresno and a host of other things, not to mention chasing around a bouncy almost-two-year-old who likes to test my patience. So today morning came and went at work, then the afternoon. I finally had lunch at about 2:30. Of course it didn't last long, I ended up eating all of my daily points. But still, I see how much busy-ness affects your eating.
Speaking of Fresno, I went to the mall this evening to find a little something to wear to the wedding. I have these nice black pants that fit great, so I knew I just needed a top. Preferably something light and summery, as I hear Fresno is located just south of the sun. I end up at my favorite fat lady store mainly because I knew I could find something there. And I did! On the clearance rack, even. I bought two cute little "strappy" tops, so I can have a choice. They were six bucks, I figured what the heck. I really surprised myself though because typically "strappy" is a word used to describe clothes for skinny girls. I don't think I've ever worn anything "strappy." I'm not used to revealing that much skin, so it's odd. But they fit great.
I'm thrilled that I get to attend the WW meeting this week. I had originally thought that because of our trip, I'd have to miss. It's really funny how much I look forward to the meetings. It used to be because I was so anxious about seeing the numbers at weigh-in. But I've found such comfort among the other people there, who understand the love/hate relationship with food and exercise.
Heard from a friend this evening who just went to her first WW meeting. She's talked about it for awhile, but has a very hectic schedule so she wasn't sure when she could fit it in. Tonight she said, "I just walked to my car and drove myself over." That's it, that's what it takes, just making that decision and doing it. I told her she had just done the hardest part. Though over the next months there will be a lot of difficult moments. She has taken the most important step mentally. (I'm so proud of you, M, gorgeous one)
8.31.2006
8.30.2006
Day Fifty-Nine, Day Sixty and Day Sixty-One
WHERE'S CARRIE? People are wondering. Getting all kinds of flack for missing a couple of blogging days. Folks are clamoring to hear my thoughts, who knew? Don't get excited, everything's fine. Everything's better than fine, actually. Stuff is happening quickly here, so I've been tied up. As Wade would say, my a-polly-ologies. I'll try to recap here.
The first thing is, through a random connection Jon found, there is interest in my jewelry. A connection that could help get me back into making and selling on a regular basis. To start, I'll be designing some things for an upcoming photo shoot, and I can't wait to pull my creativity out of the closet. I met with the owners of a local company that help plan weddings and events. They've got great vision and a great network in place. Realizing that I've been out of practice for awhile, Monday night I found myself literally dusting off some old sample pieces to show. I was pleasantly surprised...they're not half bad. They were enough to give a good idea of what I'm capable of.
As I was sitting in Starbucks with my legs crossed (something I do much more often now, simply because I CAN!), sharing thoughts with another entrepreneurial spirit, some things occurred to me. My confidence level is so different. I wasn't thinking about my fat. I was thinking about the things we were discussing...what a concept! I felt like I could really envision myself working creatively with weddings and fashion. I could fit into that world. The primary reason I didn't actively pursue marketing my jewelry in the past was because I didn't think I was good enough, in so many ways.
In the midst of all this new creative energy, I reconnected once again with an old friend. Someone who I probably took for granted in high school, but now can see has had my best interest in mind all these years. We've been out of touch for a long time. I shared about Elena and Isaiah with him. I told him about my insecurity and my weight loss. Each new revelation was completely accepted and embraced. Like these things are all a part of me and they're ok. Very enlightening stuff.
On a lighter note, after having eaten a breakfast burrito last week (nothing dietetic about it) and still losing three pounds, some co-workers and I have decided to institute Breakfast Burrito Wednesdays. I jokingly told them, "I'll do it til it stops working." I figure an occasional treat is not bad. So I had one today...really, really good. But my body is so not used to this type of food anymore. I didn't get sick or anything, just felt heavy and sleepy afterward. The original plan was to cut it in half and eat the rest later. But like most any Weight Watcher will tell you, it was in front of me, so I ate the whole darn thing.
Before this year and all of it's emotional changes, I think I probably missed out on a lot of things. I wouldn't have eagerly pursued a new jewelry contact. I wouldn't have let sleeping dogs lie with old friends. I wasn't sure of who I was because I was hiding under a lot of layers (physical and otherwise). That's what a lot of people don't understand about weight loss. It's not just aesthetic. It's not about vanity. Well, maybe a little. But mainly it's about changing from the inside out. And the fact is, until the inner changes come, you really won't see outer results.
The first thing is, through a random connection Jon found, there is interest in my jewelry. A connection that could help get me back into making and selling on a regular basis. To start, I'll be designing some things for an upcoming photo shoot, and I can't wait to pull my creativity out of the closet. I met with the owners of a local company that help plan weddings and events. They've got great vision and a great network in place. Realizing that I've been out of practice for awhile, Monday night I found myself literally dusting off some old sample pieces to show. I was pleasantly surprised...they're not half bad. They were enough to give a good idea of what I'm capable of.
As I was sitting in Starbucks with my legs crossed (something I do much more often now, simply because I CAN!), sharing thoughts with another entrepreneurial spirit, some things occurred to me. My confidence level is so different. I wasn't thinking about my fat. I was thinking about the things we were discussing...what a concept! I felt like I could really envision myself working creatively with weddings and fashion. I could fit into that world. The primary reason I didn't actively pursue marketing my jewelry in the past was because I didn't think I was good enough, in so many ways.
In the midst of all this new creative energy, I reconnected once again with an old friend. Someone who I probably took for granted in high school, but now can see has had my best interest in mind all these years. We've been out of touch for a long time. I shared about Elena and Isaiah with him. I told him about my insecurity and my weight loss. Each new revelation was completely accepted and embraced. Like these things are all a part of me and they're ok. Very enlightening stuff.
On a lighter note, after having eaten a breakfast burrito last week (nothing dietetic about it) and still losing three pounds, some co-workers and I have decided to institute Breakfast Burrito Wednesdays. I jokingly told them, "I'll do it til it stops working." I figure an occasional treat is not bad. So I had one today...really, really good. But my body is so not used to this type of food anymore. I didn't get sick or anything, just felt heavy and sleepy afterward. The original plan was to cut it in half and eat the rest later. But like most any Weight Watcher will tell you, it was in front of me, so I ate the whole darn thing.
Before this year and all of it's emotional changes, I think I probably missed out on a lot of things. I wouldn't have eagerly pursued a new jewelry contact. I wouldn't have let sleeping dogs lie with old friends. I wasn't sure of who I was because I was hiding under a lot of layers (physical and otherwise). That's what a lot of people don't understand about weight loss. It's not just aesthetic. It's not about vanity. Well, maybe a little. But mainly it's about changing from the inside out. And the fact is, until the inner changes come, you really won't see outer results.
8.27.2006
Day Fifty-Eight
Now this is what a weekend should be. Started out the day with a good power walk and actually jogged again...twice! I should clarify that by saying I don't jog very far so I space out my attempts. I mentally mark off goals so I can work my way up to jogging more. Usually it's between restrooms or lifeguard stations along the beach path. It may not be very impressive, but it's a start. I jog when I know I'm ready and I stop when I know it's time.
Jogging brings up a topic I've been avoiding. Considering this is my own blog, I think I can be frank so I'm just gonna say it. I'm a big girl. Big girls have big boobs. Big boobs and jogging are not a winning combination. That's actually the part of jogging that makes me most self-conscious. It's distracting to me, and if that's the case it MUST be noticeable to others. I need to invest in a good sports bra. Gotta keep the ladies in line. :-)
Received confirmation on several occasions this weekend about how noticeable the weight loss is. Saturday we went to my cousin's engagement party and saw a lot of family members I haven't seen since Christmas. The look in the eyes was even more of a giveaway than the words they spoke. Then today we got together with some friends and their kids for a family concert. A good friend of ours actually used the word "fabulous" and asked me to take a spin around. Such fun. People are not only noticing but are also appreciating the hard work involved.
And then tonight I opened my e-mail to receive another HUGE encouragment from my aunt. She said the weight loss is great, but what's even better is the "finding of Carrie," the light in my eyes. She so gets me. This really put into words the way I've been feeling. I can't even say that the true Carrie is back because I don't think she was really ever fully here before. So this is her introduction to the world. Her coming-out party, if you will.
One of the things that came out of this weekend was a real sense of belonging. Not that I place too much serious value on what others think about me, but when I interact with people, I feel that we're on the same level. That was never the case before. And I'm not talking financial or social status. It's more than that. I'm more comfortable in my skin. I see myself at a family gathering or among a huge group of other parents and I can extract every last ounce of the experience because I know I belong as much as anyone else. I'm not a "lesser than."
Yes, this is what weekends were made for. Here's to many, many more.
Jogging brings up a topic I've been avoiding. Considering this is my own blog, I think I can be frank so I'm just gonna say it. I'm a big girl. Big girls have big boobs. Big boobs and jogging are not a winning combination. That's actually the part of jogging that makes me most self-conscious. It's distracting to me, and if that's the case it MUST be noticeable to others. I need to invest in a good sports bra. Gotta keep the ladies in line. :-)
Received confirmation on several occasions this weekend about how noticeable the weight loss is. Saturday we went to my cousin's engagement party and saw a lot of family members I haven't seen since Christmas. The look in the eyes was even more of a giveaway than the words they spoke. Then today we got together with some friends and their kids for a family concert. A good friend of ours actually used the word "fabulous" and asked me to take a spin around. Such fun. People are not only noticing but are also appreciating the hard work involved.
And then tonight I opened my e-mail to receive another HUGE encouragment from my aunt. She said the weight loss is great, but what's even better is the "finding of Carrie," the light in my eyes. She so gets me. This really put into words the way I've been feeling. I can't even say that the true Carrie is back because I don't think she was really ever fully here before. So this is her introduction to the world. Her coming-out party, if you will.
One of the things that came out of this weekend was a real sense of belonging. Not that I place too much serious value on what others think about me, but when I interact with people, I feel that we're on the same level. That was never the case before. And I'm not talking financial or social status. It's more than that. I'm more comfortable in my skin. I see myself at a family gathering or among a huge group of other parents and I can extract every last ounce of the experience because I know I belong as much as anyone else. I'm not a "lesser than."
Yes, this is what weekends were made for. Here's to many, many more.
8.26.2006
Day 57: Weigh In
Actual conversation from our WW meeting today: "So how did the skinny one do (referring to me after my weigh in)?" I told her I am down three pounds from last week, bringing my loss total to 24.6 lbs. "What are you doing," she asked me. "I'm just following the program." And that's the truth. Like anything else in life, the program works if you follow the guidelines, stick with it through the rough spots and believe that it can be done.
The meeting was great. Jim, our new leader, is an encourager and a "get off your butt" kinda guy. He is quite an inspiration, having lost 227 lbs. He brought in some "before" photos and a very clever "after" photo of he and his wife (who has lost 75 lbs.) each standing in one pantleg of his old fat pants. We're very fortunate to have another encourager after losing Mary. It was tough to not see her picture up at the front of the room today, but she's making her presence known. I received a "thinking of you" email from her last night. And if you're reading this right now Mary, you missed me doing my jumping up and down dance today!!!
The topic of discussion at today's meeting was being kind to yourself. Such a good thing to talk about. People in general, but women especially, often feel guilty being kind to themselves. We feel like if we have the time and energy to put into doing something for ourselves, that time and energy should be put to use for someone else. I know I've felt that way for most of my life. And I've watched other women in my life overextend themselves. But truth be told, how much real use can you be to someone else if you're worn out, depressed, and exhausted? It's a fine balance, one that we have to rely on God to reveal to us.
I consider signing up for WW a way of being kind to myself. I never thought that I deserved to be less than 200 lbs., to be attractive, to love myself. I felt like I owed it to the people in my life to be their stronghold, all the while ignoring my own needs. It's a neverending cycle because the more drained you are, the way back seems further away and not worth the effort.
I believe that God has a purpose for each of us. I believe He wants us to bless others and places people in our lives for that purpose. But in order to stand in the gap when they need us, we have to be nourished, we need to be fed. This is me being fed (yes, I guess that pun was intended). I am feeding myself physically and spiritually with healthy food now. I am watching what I take in because it directly effects what I put back out into the world. I am examining myself instead of hiding. And I'm finally doing something about what I find, instead of kicking it far under the bed. The work can only be done when you bring everything out, shine the light on it, look at it for what it is. Deal with it. And then move on with renewed confidence and strength, having been prepared for the next step.
The meeting was great. Jim, our new leader, is an encourager and a "get off your butt" kinda guy. He is quite an inspiration, having lost 227 lbs. He brought in some "before" photos and a very clever "after" photo of he and his wife (who has lost 75 lbs.) each standing in one pantleg of his old fat pants. We're very fortunate to have another encourager after losing Mary. It was tough to not see her picture up at the front of the room today, but she's making her presence known. I received a "thinking of you" email from her last night. And if you're reading this right now Mary, you missed me doing my jumping up and down dance today!!!
The topic of discussion at today's meeting was being kind to yourself. Such a good thing to talk about. People in general, but women especially, often feel guilty being kind to themselves. We feel like if we have the time and energy to put into doing something for ourselves, that time and energy should be put to use for someone else. I know I've felt that way for most of my life. And I've watched other women in my life overextend themselves. But truth be told, how much real use can you be to someone else if you're worn out, depressed, and exhausted? It's a fine balance, one that we have to rely on God to reveal to us.
I consider signing up for WW a way of being kind to myself. I never thought that I deserved to be less than 200 lbs., to be attractive, to love myself. I felt like I owed it to the people in my life to be their stronghold, all the while ignoring my own needs. It's a neverending cycle because the more drained you are, the way back seems further away and not worth the effort.
I believe that God has a purpose for each of us. I believe He wants us to bless others and places people in our lives for that purpose. But in order to stand in the gap when they need us, we have to be nourished, we need to be fed. This is me being fed (yes, I guess that pun was intended). I am feeding myself physically and spiritually with healthy food now. I am watching what I take in because it directly effects what I put back out into the world. I am examining myself instead of hiding. And I'm finally doing something about what I find, instead of kicking it far under the bed. The work can only be done when you bring everything out, shine the light on it, look at it for what it is. Deal with it. And then move on with renewed confidence and strength, having been prepared for the next step.
8.25.2006
Day Fifty-Six
Finished off my week with 16 points to spare, pretty consistent with past weeks. It was also a week for trying new things - new foods, changing up the exercise a bit. I'm only able to do that because I'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin. The idea of ANY form of exercise, particularly in public (but even just alone with myself) used to just embarrass me to no end. But I'm much more in tune with my mind and body now, it's not bothersome at all. Plus, gauging my physical and emotional feelings and following my body's cues is NECESSARY for me to continue. It's where new motivation comes from.
Saw a friend today that I haven't seen in about a month. That's when it hits me how fast the weight is coming off - when I'm with someone and see them experiencing the "new me" for the first time.
I am missing Mary already. Will miss her sharing my victories on the scale and validating my feelings during the meetings. But I'm really looking forward to hearing from our new leader, Jim. Really nice man, has lost a lot of weight. A lot. And I'm hoping he shares his story.
Here's to less of me on the scale!
Saw a friend today that I haven't seen in about a month. That's when it hits me how fast the weight is coming off - when I'm with someone and see them experiencing the "new me" for the first time.
I am missing Mary already. Will miss her sharing my victories on the scale and validating my feelings during the meetings. But I'm really looking forward to hearing from our new leader, Jim. Really nice man, has lost a lot of weight. A lot. And I'm hoping he shares his story.
Here's to less of me on the scale!
8.24.2006
Day Fifty-Five
Feeling sorta fat. Not completely. I feel like I look great, but only with clothes on. It's funny because whenever I feel like this, I look at myself and I'm totally convinced that I haven't lost anything. Sometimes I think I'm gaining weight. How completely illogical is that? I'm following the program, have a great track record for eight weeks now, and my mind still says "You're failing." I know I'm succeeding. And even if it wasn't reflected in pounds, the change in my mindset about myself is a huge success.
I don't think I mentioned that I ran into a friend from junior high and high school at WW. I recognized her right away. It shocked me that my first instinct was not to bury my head in the sand. A couple of months ago I would have been horrified for someone I knew to "catch" me at WW. Like I committed a sin and the secret's out - I EAT TOO MUCH!! Instead, I was proud of myself for having made the decision to be there and now it's fun to have another friend to share the experience with.
Had another great walk tonight and then picked up Subway and TCBY on the way home. I'm officially addicted to frozen yogurt. Jon likes it so much he actually feels bad. Says he still feels like it's wrong. That's how good it tastes. Like everyone else, I've been brainwashed into believing that everything that tastes good is bad. And if something is good for you, it must taste terrible. Not so.
Lots of things planned for the weekend. Looking forward to seeing family and friends. Letting them share in my victories instead of hiding my defeats. This life is very free, very liberating. "I can do all things..." (Philippians 4:13)
I don't think I mentioned that I ran into a friend from junior high and high school at WW. I recognized her right away. It shocked me that my first instinct was not to bury my head in the sand. A couple of months ago I would have been horrified for someone I knew to "catch" me at WW. Like I committed a sin and the secret's out - I EAT TOO MUCH!! Instead, I was proud of myself for having made the decision to be there and now it's fun to have another friend to share the experience with.
Had another great walk tonight and then picked up Subway and TCBY on the way home. I'm officially addicted to frozen yogurt. Jon likes it so much he actually feels bad. Says he still feels like it's wrong. That's how good it tastes. Like everyone else, I've been brainwashed into believing that everything that tastes good is bad. And if something is good for you, it must taste terrible. Not so.
Lots of things planned for the weekend. Looking forward to seeing family and friends. Letting them share in my victories instead of hiding my defeats. This life is very free, very liberating. "I can do all things..." (Philippians 4:13)
8.23.2006
Day Fifty-Four
So I mentioned yesterday that you can eat real food on WW. Some people still haven't been clear on what I mean by "real food." So here's a list of some of foods that have fast become this Weight Watcher's best friend:
Golden Spoon frozen yogurt - 8 oz., any flavor, is 3 points
WW Fudgecicles - 1 point each
Jello Sugar Free Pudding Cups - 1 point each
Trader Joe's fajitas - 5 points for the WHOLE BAG
Oatmeal - 2 points per packet
Nonfat milk - 2 points per cup
Subway roast beef sandwich - 5 points
Quizno's Honey Bourbon Chicken sandwich - 6 points
Trader Joe's Crinkle Wedge Potatoes - 2 points for 16 LARGE pieces
There are so many more things, truly. This is just a sampling. To get an idea of some point comparisons of the foods I used to eat, go back and read some early posts from July...not a pretty picture. One meal at Taco Bell or McDonald's is more than my entire daily allowance. And again, you can eat anything, really. You just have to know how to accomodate for it later in the day.
I think I failed to mention that I finally had to break down and get new pants. After trying on the same fat pants every morning, thinking they were going to fit or something was going to be different (I think this is the definition of insanity), I finally threw them in the yard sale pile and they went away. Which left me pantsless, so new pants were necessary. Target is another good friend of mine.
I'm amazed at my mental state again. How it used to be a given that I'd be fat forever, no question. And now it's a given that I'll reach my weight loss goal. I see each day as an opportunity to work toward that goal, and I don't have any doubt that I'll make it, by the grace of God.
Golden Spoon frozen yogurt - 8 oz., any flavor, is 3 points
WW Fudgecicles - 1 point each
Jello Sugar Free Pudding Cups - 1 point each
Trader Joe's fajitas - 5 points for the WHOLE BAG
Oatmeal - 2 points per packet
Nonfat milk - 2 points per cup
Subway roast beef sandwich - 5 points
Quizno's Honey Bourbon Chicken sandwich - 6 points
Trader Joe's Crinkle Wedge Potatoes - 2 points for 16 LARGE pieces
There are so many more things, truly. This is just a sampling. To get an idea of some point comparisons of the foods I used to eat, go back and read some early posts from July...not a pretty picture. One meal at Taco Bell or McDonald's is more than my entire daily allowance. And again, you can eat anything, really. You just have to know how to accomodate for it later in the day.
I think I failed to mention that I finally had to break down and get new pants. After trying on the same fat pants every morning, thinking they were going to fit or something was going to be different (I think this is the definition of insanity), I finally threw them in the yard sale pile and they went away. Which left me pantsless, so new pants were necessary. Target is another good friend of mine.
I'm amazed at my mental state again. How it used to be a given that I'd be fat forever, no question. And now it's a given that I'll reach my weight loss goal. I see each day as an opportunity to work toward that goal, and I don't have any doubt that I'll make it, by the grace of God.
8.22.2006
Day Fifty-Three
Had the best walk ever at the beach tonight. Could have something to do with the fact that I didn't have to stop to pick up random shoes, bottles and other assorted items flying out of the stroller. We had a temp nanny (thanks again Amy!). So I was able to really focus, take in the sunset, keep the pace. Even got a glimpse of a pirate ship sailing by, probably the Black Pearl. Not only was everything in sync with my body, but in my mind and heart as well.
Earlier today I had fun sharing about WW with some of the ladies at work. It's funny that the first question people ask about the program is, "Can you eat regular food?" Are you kidding? Do you think I would be on a diet that required me to drink blended wheatgrass three times a day? Of course you can eat regular food. You don't have to buy specially marked WW packaged foods either, so there's no added expense. How many times can I say it...it's a great program.
During the conversation with one person in particular, she revealed that she was interested in learning about WW because her doctor has put her on watch for heart problems and recommends some weight loss. I told her that's why I'm starting now. It doesn't make sense to take my body for granted for another thirty years. It's also silly to wait that long to deal with my emotions. I know you don't get to do it over, but I want to start a new chapter, for myself and for my family. So that I can be all that I was created to be in this life, full potential.
Earlier today I had fun sharing about WW with some of the ladies at work. It's funny that the first question people ask about the program is, "Can you eat regular food?" Are you kidding? Do you think I would be on a diet that required me to drink blended wheatgrass three times a day? Of course you can eat regular food. You don't have to buy specially marked WW packaged foods either, so there's no added expense. How many times can I say it...it's a great program.
During the conversation with one person in particular, she revealed that she was interested in learning about WW because her doctor has put her on watch for heart problems and recommends some weight loss. I told her that's why I'm starting now. It doesn't make sense to take my body for granted for another thirty years. It's also silly to wait that long to deal with my emotions. I know you don't get to do it over, but I want to start a new chapter, for myself and for my family. So that I can be all that I was created to be in this life, full potential.
8.21.2006
Day Fifty-Two
Can't remember ever having a day begin and end on such different planes. Not even sure where to start. I guess the beginning is as good a place as any.
Had a lot of anxiety this morning. Nothing to do with my weight, but lots of other stuff. Now it seems funny that weight used to be such an overshadowing presence in my life. It was the main stress factor by which most other aspects of my life were affected. It determined my moods and how I perceived the world around me. My, how things change. Now getting outside for exercise or even a leisurely walk is like relaxation. And food is a much more enjoyable, guilt-free experience.
But back to my original point, so the day started out kinda blah. After work, we had some errands to run and by dinnertime were headed to our favorite spot at the park by the beach. Jon and I ate and talked, reflected on the summer as we are feeling it draw to a close. There's never been a summer quite like this one. Usually we would head home right away, but we decided to take a stroll down the bike path. Reflection and gratitude were the order of business, not exercise. Headed back to the car we run into an unlikely walking partner...a longtime friend and previous employer for both Jon and I. Associate Dean of the Annenberg School at USC, who has invited Jon to sit in on his masters level documentary film class. A class that starts tomorrow. What are the chances that we would run into this very special man in this place, at this time. It was all very unusual, in a wonderful way.
Walking along together, getting caught up on the events of life, I was awestruck. The faces, the hearts, the friendships of people whose paths have crossed with ours, it's more than overwhelming. This isn't the first instance of an acquaintance from the past revisiting our lives several years later to bless us in a completely different capacity than the first time around. People who extend themselves to us when they don't have to. It's a humbling experience. And it made me realize how far I've come. We are supported from all sides by loving friends, and yet I spent so much time afraid of what these same people were thinking about me, about my appearance, about my weight. I wasn't able to see that there was more to me than fat, so I didn't understand how others could.
The WW journey is one that leads to me, the core of myself. It's a destination I've never been to before. Each day holds new experiences. Each step, another level of awareness, acceptance and hope. I never thought I'd be here. I never knew what "here" was. Now that I am here, I don't ever want to go back.
Had a lot of anxiety this morning. Nothing to do with my weight, but lots of other stuff. Now it seems funny that weight used to be such an overshadowing presence in my life. It was the main stress factor by which most other aspects of my life were affected. It determined my moods and how I perceived the world around me. My, how things change. Now getting outside for exercise or even a leisurely walk is like relaxation. And food is a much more enjoyable, guilt-free experience.
But back to my original point, so the day started out kinda blah. After work, we had some errands to run and by dinnertime were headed to our favorite spot at the park by the beach. Jon and I ate and talked, reflected on the summer as we are feeling it draw to a close. There's never been a summer quite like this one. Usually we would head home right away, but we decided to take a stroll down the bike path. Reflection and gratitude were the order of business, not exercise. Headed back to the car we run into an unlikely walking partner...a longtime friend and previous employer for both Jon and I. Associate Dean of the Annenberg School at USC, who has invited Jon to sit in on his masters level documentary film class. A class that starts tomorrow. What are the chances that we would run into this very special man in this place, at this time. It was all very unusual, in a wonderful way.
Walking along together, getting caught up on the events of life, I was awestruck. The faces, the hearts, the friendships of people whose paths have crossed with ours, it's more than overwhelming. This isn't the first instance of an acquaintance from the past revisiting our lives several years later to bless us in a completely different capacity than the first time around. People who extend themselves to us when they don't have to. It's a humbling experience. And it made me realize how far I've come. We are supported from all sides by loving friends, and yet I spent so much time afraid of what these same people were thinking about me, about my appearance, about my weight. I wasn't able to see that there was more to me than fat, so I didn't understand how others could.
The WW journey is one that leads to me, the core of myself. It's a destination I've never been to before. Each day holds new experiences. Each step, another level of awareness, acceptance and hope. I never thought I'd be here. I never knew what "here" was. Now that I am here, I don't ever want to go back.
8.20.2006
Day Fifty-One
Lots of firsts today. Well, maybe not really firsts, but if it's something you haven't done in, say, ten years, I think you get to call it a "first" again. Like a statue of limitations or something.
So I kicked off the early morning power walk with a power skate! That's right folks, the lonely rollerblades that have been sitting in their original box since the ONE TIME I actually used them, they saw the light of day today. That was exciting. I can remember that one day, testing out my skates in the park, Jon trying to teach me. I was basically unteachable because I was so easily frustrated with myself. It was another one of those things I didn't think I could do, so I gave up. When you're ready to give up, there's always a readily available excuse or two to justify your decision. "My shins hurt." "I can't figure it out." "Maybe I should try somewhere else (translation: I'm never trying this again). But today, I wasn't worried about becoming a world-class rollerblader. I wasn't self-conscious about what other people thought. I just skated, slow and steady. And what a great feeling that was.
After the first half of the beach stretch, I switched to my walking shoes. Got the blood pumping again. Then (get this) toward the end of the walk, I jogged! I think that was the first time I've ever jogged. I had been holding some kind of fear that I didn't know how to jog, like I needed some training or something. But this morning I just decided to give it a try. Amazing. I didn't push myself to go farther than I could, just stayed with the pace.
Later in the day, I was visiting with a friend and she was looking through our wedding photos. She commented on how much she liked my wedding gown. It must have jogged a memory or something, because I remembered something that I've never shared with anyone. This is top secret information, so put your seatbelts on.
Never Before Revealed: I told everyone that I ordered my wedding gown (which I was not incredibly fond of) online to get a good deal, but really I was embarrased to go to a bridal shop.
Yes, that's the absolute truth. I had huge anxiety about strangers taking my measurement or friends and family helping me in the dressing room. The thought of anyone seeing my body terrified me. Man, is that deep. But that's how powerful our thoughts are. Thoughts, whether rational or irrational, can talk us into or out of just about anything. That's why it's so important to keep our thoughts in check.
Whew, that one's been bottled up a long time. But it is incredibly liberating to throw that out there. Because it's truth, and truth is what this journey is all about. Being true to who I really am. True to my body. True to my soul.
So I kicked off the early morning power walk with a power skate! That's right folks, the lonely rollerblades that have been sitting in their original box since the ONE TIME I actually used them, they saw the light of day today. That was exciting. I can remember that one day, testing out my skates in the park, Jon trying to teach me. I was basically unteachable because I was so easily frustrated with myself. It was another one of those things I didn't think I could do, so I gave up. When you're ready to give up, there's always a readily available excuse or two to justify your decision. "My shins hurt." "I can't figure it out." "Maybe I should try somewhere else (translation: I'm never trying this again). But today, I wasn't worried about becoming a world-class rollerblader. I wasn't self-conscious about what other people thought. I just skated, slow and steady. And what a great feeling that was.
After the first half of the beach stretch, I switched to my walking shoes. Got the blood pumping again. Then (get this) toward the end of the walk, I jogged! I think that was the first time I've ever jogged. I had been holding some kind of fear that I didn't know how to jog, like I needed some training or something. But this morning I just decided to give it a try. Amazing. I didn't push myself to go farther than I could, just stayed with the pace.
Later in the day, I was visiting with a friend and she was looking through our wedding photos. She commented on how much she liked my wedding gown. It must have jogged a memory or something, because I remembered something that I've never shared with anyone. This is top secret information, so put your seatbelts on.
Never Before Revealed: I told everyone that I ordered my wedding gown (which I was not incredibly fond of) online to get a good deal, but really I was embarrased to go to a bridal shop.
Yes, that's the absolute truth. I had huge anxiety about strangers taking my measurement or friends and family helping me in the dressing room. The thought of anyone seeing my body terrified me. Man, is that deep. But that's how powerful our thoughts are. Thoughts, whether rational or irrational, can talk us into or out of just about anything. That's why it's so important to keep our thoughts in check.
Whew, that one's been bottled up a long time. But it is incredibly liberating to throw that out there. Because it's truth, and truth is what this journey is all about. Being true to who I really am. True to my body. True to my soul.
8.19.2006
Day 50: Weigh-In
Missed a blogging day yesterday. Was up really late prepping for a yard sale and then I fell into bed. Normally I would attempt to create a posting for yesterday and another for today, but frankly, I'm tired. And I'd rather focus on today because the news is so great!
Are you sitting down? Here goes...I'm down 21.4 lbs!!! And if that wasn't big enough news, I've now reached my 10% goal. When you join WW, they talk with you about how beneficial it is for anyone to lose 10% of their total body weight, whatever that number may be. According to medical research, losing 10% of your body weight can lower your cholesterol, blood pressure and risk of developing Type II diabetes. This isn't something I considered very seriously when I first joined, mainly because I wasn't convinced that joining WW was going to do anything for me. But now, I'm really aware of the health benefits of weight loss. Diabetes and high blood pressure are prominent in my extended family, and that's a thought that comes to me from time to time. It's a scary thing.
I'm so glad I'm doing this. Can't express that enough. When Mary asked today, "What is your absolute favorite thing about the program," I found it tough to answer. There are so many factors I love, so many things about my life that have changed. But truly the biggest thing for me is the belief in myself. That's what makes everything else fall into place. A lot has happened in my personal life to bring me to the emotional level necessary for me to succeed at WW. Confronting old skeletons, and stuff like that. It's just time, that's all.
Are you sitting down? Here goes...I'm down 21.4 lbs!!! And if that wasn't big enough news, I've now reached my 10% goal. When you join WW, they talk with you about how beneficial it is for anyone to lose 10% of their total body weight, whatever that number may be. According to medical research, losing 10% of your body weight can lower your cholesterol, blood pressure and risk of developing Type II diabetes. This isn't something I considered very seriously when I first joined, mainly because I wasn't convinced that joining WW was going to do anything for me. But now, I'm really aware of the health benefits of weight loss. Diabetes and high blood pressure are prominent in my extended family, and that's a thought that comes to me from time to time. It's a scary thing.
I'm so glad I'm doing this. Can't express that enough. When Mary asked today, "What is your absolute favorite thing about the program," I found it tough to answer. There are so many factors I love, so many things about my life that have changed. But truly the biggest thing for me is the belief in myself. That's what makes everything else fall into place. A lot has happened in my personal life to bring me to the emotional level necessary for me to succeed at WW. Confronting old skeletons, and stuff like that. It's just time, that's all.
8.17.2006
Day Forty-Eight
TCBY White Chocolate Mousse frozen yogurt is my new best friend!!! Sorry, I just had to get that out. The frozen treats were only part of a really wonderful day. We drove out to Camarillo for some walking and shopping at the outlet mall there. This has been one of Jon's and my favorite places to shop for years now. Typically we'd save a trip like this for stocking up when all our socks have holes in them. But today was not your typical trip.
The part I was looking forward to most was the drive. An hour or so on the road to Camarillo is the closest thing we've had to a vacation in a years. Once we got there we had a lot of fun browsing through countless clothing stores. Early on, I found my old thoughts coming back. Jon would say, "Hey you wanna look in here?" and I'd respond with, "Naw, they won't have my size." This is funny to me for two reasons. First, what the heck did we drive there for if I wasn't planning to look? And secondly, I don't even know what my size is anymore.
For the rest of the day I purposed to go into stores I would usually feel out of place in, look at clothes that I would usually pass right by. I had a great moment while trying on this pair of jeans in the Ralph Lauren store. Based on the size, I knew they weren't going to fit. But it was more about getting an idea of where I'm at and where I'm headed. So I'm in the dressing room very pleased, despite the fact that I couldn't button the darn things. It didn't bother me because for the first time in...forever I guess, I saw my shape, not just the fat. No apologies here, my butt looked darn good in those jeans! For the past few weeks I've only seen myself in all my saggy, baggy fat pants. Not the most attractive look in the world.
But the absolute best moment was coming out of the dressing room and seeing my two guys waiting there. Jon had such a look of pride, mainly because he knows it's a major accomplishment for me to try stuff on, let alone actually enjoy the process. I can see how fulfilling my own changes and personal growth are for him, because he loves me so much. Yes, you read right, I said I can see it. And I'm starting to believe it.
This really is one amazing ride.
The part I was looking forward to most was the drive. An hour or so on the road to Camarillo is the closest thing we've had to a vacation in a years. Once we got there we had a lot of fun browsing through countless clothing stores. Early on, I found my old thoughts coming back. Jon would say, "Hey you wanna look in here?" and I'd respond with, "Naw, they won't have my size." This is funny to me for two reasons. First, what the heck did we drive there for if I wasn't planning to look? And secondly, I don't even know what my size is anymore.
For the rest of the day I purposed to go into stores I would usually feel out of place in, look at clothes that I would usually pass right by. I had a great moment while trying on this pair of jeans in the Ralph Lauren store. Based on the size, I knew they weren't going to fit. But it was more about getting an idea of where I'm at and where I'm headed. So I'm in the dressing room very pleased, despite the fact that I couldn't button the darn things. It didn't bother me because for the first time in...forever I guess, I saw my shape, not just the fat. No apologies here, my butt looked darn good in those jeans! For the past few weeks I've only seen myself in all my saggy, baggy fat pants. Not the most attractive look in the world.
But the absolute best moment was coming out of the dressing room and seeing my two guys waiting there. Jon had such a look of pride, mainly because he knows it's a major accomplishment for me to try stuff on, let alone actually enjoy the process. I can see how fulfilling my own changes and personal growth are for him, because he loves me so much. Yes, you read right, I said I can see it. And I'm starting to believe it.
This really is one amazing ride.
8.16.2006
Day Forty-Seven
Had a great beach walk tonight, everything was in a rhythm. This is funny, but, I found myself looking at my shadow in the sand to see if I could see my belly. That's goofy, I know. But I really am seeing some physical changes. It still shocks me every time I notice something. Like I'm not expecting it to continue. That mental block is a curious thing.
I finished off the day with nine points to spare today. That was a first. It wasn't intentional at all. I was preoccupied this morning and didn't have breakfast, then I had a four point dinner and then we walked. So it all just added up. Oh, and I did get to try a new yummy dessert that Mama made. It's a pumpkin mousse...verrrrrrrry good. Trying new stuff is always fun.
Tonight won't be nearly as deep as last night. That was an unexpected experience, having all those thoughts flowing around in my head. Tonight I'm pretty content, been processing a lot of things all day and I feel settled. Happy to be where and who I am. Thankful for my friends and loved ones who are really cheering me on. Hopeful for a new day tomorrow, Lord willing.
I finished off the day with nine points to spare today. That was a first. It wasn't intentional at all. I was preoccupied this morning and didn't have breakfast, then I had a four point dinner and then we walked. So it all just added up. Oh, and I did get to try a new yummy dessert that Mama made. It's a pumpkin mousse...verrrrrrrry good. Trying new stuff is always fun.
Tonight won't be nearly as deep as last night. That was an unexpected experience, having all those thoughts flowing around in my head. Tonight I'm pretty content, been processing a lot of things all day and I feel settled. Happy to be where and who I am. Thankful for my friends and loved ones who are really cheering me on. Hopeful for a new day tomorrow, Lord willing.
8.15.2006
Some Stuff That Just Came Up
Just a couple of hours ago, I was sitting here wondering what to write for Day Forty-Six. Hence the short entry. Within minutes, Jon is working on his own blog entry, revealing some fun, little-known facts about himself. So I pull out the memory book that was made for me by my best friend at my bridal shower six years ago. The real intent was to find the "He Said/She Said" game that we played, and there it was. Jon had been asked a set of questions prior to the shower and I was asked the same questions to see how well we knew each other. Very entertaining.
The most revealing question was, "What one thing would you change about Carrie?" Jon, being pretty secure in himself even then, gave the funny answer. "She would make me taller, I would make her shorter." And then there's Carrie, answering with possibly the most sincere thing she's ever said (and it still rings true to this day): "I wish I could see what he sees." I'm still kind of in shock that I went that deep with my answer. I guess I was pretty in touch with my feelings back then, I just wasn't ready to do anything with them.
My surprise increased as I continued thumbing through the book and reading all of the fun little things that the women in my life wrote to me. Everyone shared how they had met me, a fond memory and what they love most about me. Such nice things were written. Not just nice, really heartfelt. The common thread running throughout was my smile and laugh (the first things everyone notices), kindness, compassion. I'm not sure I paid much attention to what was written at that time. Not that I wasn't appreciative, I just remember always wanting the one thing that was missing...for someone to admire the way I looked.
This sounds horrible, right? I'm almost ashamed to admit it. But I'm realizing the truth involved here. It's always nice to receive a compliment, unless you're someone who can't see the good in themselves. That's what causes the awkward pauses after a compliment. You just don't know how to react and you automatically assume, "they're just saying that to make me feel good." And how sad is it to be a person who is loved and accepted for their ability to love and bring joy to others, but who still thinks things like, "It would be better to be pretty."
I know that I have come a long way in the past six years. I do recognize my good qualities and I really appreciate the joy within myself that seems to spread to others. But there's still a little piece of that girl inside of me, the one who longs to not only hear someone say she's beautiful, but to believe that what they're saying is true. It's coming, I know. I'm going to have to have a talk with that girl. I'm going to have to sit her down and tell her it's true, she doesn't look like everybody else. She's not the skinniest or the prettiest or the most charming. She has flaws and that's okay. In the midst of all of that, she's still beautiful. Her smile, her joy, her face...they're all beautiful. It may not happen right away, but at some point during one of these talks, she'll begin to believe. And I'll get a taste of a freedom I've never known before.
The most revealing question was, "What one thing would you change about Carrie?" Jon, being pretty secure in himself even then, gave the funny answer. "She would make me taller, I would make her shorter." And then there's Carrie, answering with possibly the most sincere thing she's ever said (and it still rings true to this day): "I wish I could see what he sees." I'm still kind of in shock that I went that deep with my answer. I guess I was pretty in touch with my feelings back then, I just wasn't ready to do anything with them.
My surprise increased as I continued thumbing through the book and reading all of the fun little things that the women in my life wrote to me. Everyone shared how they had met me, a fond memory and what they love most about me. Such nice things were written. Not just nice, really heartfelt. The common thread running throughout was my smile and laugh (the first things everyone notices), kindness, compassion. I'm not sure I paid much attention to what was written at that time. Not that I wasn't appreciative, I just remember always wanting the one thing that was missing...for someone to admire the way I looked.
This sounds horrible, right? I'm almost ashamed to admit it. But I'm realizing the truth involved here. It's always nice to receive a compliment, unless you're someone who can't see the good in themselves. That's what causes the awkward pauses after a compliment. You just don't know how to react and you automatically assume, "they're just saying that to make me feel good." And how sad is it to be a person who is loved and accepted for their ability to love and bring joy to others, but who still thinks things like, "It would be better to be pretty."
I know that I have come a long way in the past six years. I do recognize my good qualities and I really appreciate the joy within myself that seems to spread to others. But there's still a little piece of that girl inside of me, the one who longs to not only hear someone say she's beautiful, but to believe that what they're saying is true. It's coming, I know. I'm going to have to have a talk with that girl. I'm going to have to sit her down and tell her it's true, she doesn't look like everybody else. She's not the skinniest or the prettiest or the most charming. She has flaws and that's okay. In the midst of all of that, she's still beautiful. Her smile, her joy, her face...they're all beautiful. It may not happen right away, but at some point during one of these talks, she'll begin to believe. And I'll get a taste of a freedom I've never known before.
Day Forty-Six
I'm feeling fat right now. Probably nothing physically different, but I'm a little stressed. Usually that's how it works. I feel stress, my mind says, "you're fat." In actuality, I'm on track with my points, did some exercise today, everything's good.
Oh, here's a good story. Last night I started trying on some dresses in my closet. We're preparing for a wedding in Fresno in a few weeks and I was taking a look at some possible outfits. Yep, you guessed it...loose! That feeling never gets old. I tried on this great pink dress that I've worn a few times before. I thought it was funny that the dress "fit" better when I was fat. Meaning that it hugged the curves before, now it hangs like a sack. You won't hear me complaining!
Saturday is approaching fast. Feeling a little sad because it will be our last WW meeting with Mary. I have no idea who will take her place. I realize that my success is not dependent on Mary, but it sure has been wonderful to have her spirit on my team.
Oh, here's a good story. Last night I started trying on some dresses in my closet. We're preparing for a wedding in Fresno in a few weeks and I was taking a look at some possible outfits. Yep, you guessed it...loose! That feeling never gets old. I tried on this great pink dress that I've worn a few times before. I thought it was funny that the dress "fit" better when I was fat. Meaning that it hugged the curves before, now it hangs like a sack. You won't hear me complaining!
Saturday is approaching fast. Feeling a little sad because it will be our last WW meeting with Mary. I have no idea who will take her place. I realize that my success is not dependent on Mary, but it sure has been wonderful to have her spirit on my team.
8.14.2006
Day Forty-Five
Some days you never know where you're gonna end up. Today we decided to take a drive out to this little snack shack that we had seen on the bike path in El Segundo. The day of our long bike ride, we had stopped for a hot dog and I admired the great looking sandwiches. Cut to today...horrible traffic, bad parking experience and the darn place was closed. Next thing you know we're on the freeway back toward home and within minutes we're sitting in Hof's Hut.
If I hadn't learned the things I've learned on the WW program, I would have easily suffered from food anxiety. Having planned for one type of lunch and ending up with something totally different. But WW is for real people in the real world. You don't have to eat off a list of "authorized" foods. You can eat a bigger meal for lunch and compensate with a lighter dinner. I had a great chicken sandwich on a wheat bun with some fresh fruit and soup. It was a great lunch.
We even got a little exercise in during the late afternoon. The intention was a leisurely walk around the neighborhood, but we were going at a good pace, got the blood moving. It is so good for me to do that periodically, even if it means taking a break from something I "need" to get done. I used to feel like exercise was something that got in the way of my schedule. Now I appreciate it for its rejuvenating qualities. Taking a break to get some fresh air can make you more productive when you get back to whatever you were doing.
I also remembered something today that requires an addendum to a previous post. I had mentioned that I have been a size 18 for longer than I can recall. That's not really true. In the months leading up to me starting WW, I bought a few items of clothing that were size 20. It was hugely discouraging to have to go up a size after all those years. I think that was the first spark that began the WW fire. I remember thinking at that time that if I had gone up a size, I could easily continue going up. And I definitely didn't want that. It was clearly time for a decision, and I'm glad I made the right one.
If I hadn't learned the things I've learned on the WW program, I would have easily suffered from food anxiety. Having planned for one type of lunch and ending up with something totally different. But WW is for real people in the real world. You don't have to eat off a list of "authorized" foods. You can eat a bigger meal for lunch and compensate with a lighter dinner. I had a great chicken sandwich on a wheat bun with some fresh fruit and soup. It was a great lunch.
We even got a little exercise in during the late afternoon. The intention was a leisurely walk around the neighborhood, but we were going at a good pace, got the blood moving. It is so good for me to do that periodically, even if it means taking a break from something I "need" to get done. I used to feel like exercise was something that got in the way of my schedule. Now I appreciate it for its rejuvenating qualities. Taking a break to get some fresh air can make you more productive when you get back to whatever you were doing.
I also remembered something today that requires an addendum to a previous post. I had mentioned that I have been a size 18 for longer than I can recall. That's not really true. In the months leading up to me starting WW, I bought a few items of clothing that were size 20. It was hugely discouraging to have to go up a size after all those years. I think that was the first spark that began the WW fire. I remember thinking at that time that if I had gone up a size, I could easily continue going up. And I definitely didn't want that. It was clearly time for a decision, and I'm glad I made the right one.
8.13.2006
Day Forty-four
Got back on track with the early Sunday morning walks today. Boy did I miss it! I didn't realize how much until we got out to the beach. And I was a really good girl with my food intake today. We had a picnic/potluck after church and there were lots of things to choose from. Lots of fatty things, that is. I had a burger patty without the bun, the chinese chicken salad that I love so much, some barbecue beans and a low-fat pasta salad that was very tasty (made by a fellow WW).
For a quick minute I thought about going back for second helpings, and I could have, but I remembered something we talked about at the meeting yesterday...changing behaviors. Being on WW is not just about seeing how many things you can "get away with" within your points. It's not a game of cheating. It's about making choices that will benefit you in the long run, changing the way you approach food and the role it plays in your life. Many people mistakenly believe it's about making food the enemy, but in actuality, for most of us in WW, food starts out as the enemy, that's why we're there in the first place. The program helps you make food an enjoyable part of life, not a controlling factor.
Got several comments from people at church. Most notably, people are seeing the weight loss in my face. That means so much to me. Not that I don't want to lose weight elsewhere, but my round face has always bothered me. I'm starting to be able to visualize what goal will look like for me. It's pretty exciting. I'm also realizing that I'm in denial a little about having lost over 17 lbs. That's such a significant number, it's like I can't believe that it happened already. It's only been six weeks! But the more I think about it, the more motivated I am to continue, because it'll just get better and better.
For a quick minute I thought about going back for second helpings, and I could have, but I remembered something we talked about at the meeting yesterday...changing behaviors. Being on WW is not just about seeing how many things you can "get away with" within your points. It's not a game of cheating. It's about making choices that will benefit you in the long run, changing the way you approach food and the role it plays in your life. Many people mistakenly believe it's about making food the enemy, but in actuality, for most of us in WW, food starts out as the enemy, that's why we're there in the first place. The program helps you make food an enjoyable part of life, not a controlling factor.
Got several comments from people at church. Most notably, people are seeing the weight loss in my face. That means so much to me. Not that I don't want to lose weight elsewhere, but my round face has always bothered me. I'm starting to be able to visualize what goal will look like for me. It's pretty exciting. I'm also realizing that I'm in denial a little about having lost over 17 lbs. That's such a significant number, it's like I can't believe that it happened already. It's only been six weeks! But the more I think about it, the more motivated I am to continue, because it'll just get better and better.
8.12.2006
Day 43: Weigh In
Y'know ever have one of those days with one shock after another? Today was that day for me. The first shock was weighing in at our WW meeting and finding out I'm down 17.2 lbs. I lost 3.4 lbs. this week and received another little red bookmark, which is prominently displayed on my bulletin board. They're lining up, with more to come!
We had a really fun meeting and then at the end, received the second shock. Mary, our leader, is leaving WW. With good reason, I might add, she's got a great career opportunity, one of those things she can't (and shouldn't) pass up. But she will be sorely missed. I only got to know her over the past six weeks, and even I'm feeling the loss. Mary is an inspiration, and as Mama said at the meeting today, we will all continue on this program in honor of her and all of the others in our lives who are so supportive and loving.
Speaking of support, I know I've mentioned before how important it is to have someone behind you. I'm very fortunate that Jon takes every step by my side, as well as Mama, and several friends. And then there are the moments when someone reaches out in a really special way and the encouragement is overwhelming. Kinda like this message I received last night:
Thank you for sharing the journey.
We had a really fun meeting and then at the end, received the second shock. Mary, our leader, is leaving WW. With good reason, I might add, she's got a great career opportunity, one of those things she can't (and shouldn't) pass up. But she will be sorely missed. I only got to know her over the past six weeks, and even I'm feeling the loss. Mary is an inspiration, and as Mama said at the meeting today, we will all continue on this program in honor of her and all of the others in our lives who are so supportive and loving.
Speaking of support, I know I've mentioned before how important it is to have someone behind you. I'm very fortunate that Jon takes every step by my side, as well as Mama, and several friends. And then there are the moments when someone reaches out in a really special way and the encouragement is overwhelming. Kinda like this message I received last night:
"I just wanted to let you know that I have been checking in very regularly on your Weighing In blog. I have smiled at the wonderful things you have found to be proud of. I have cried reading some of the thoughts that I have lived with in myself for so so long, realizing that I had never considered that you might feel the same way. I have always been in awe of you, never occured to me that you werent too. I am SO drastically proud of you and what you guys are doing."There are no words to express how much this means to me. God strategically places people in my life, at the right times, and I am blessed beyond measure.
Thank you for sharing the journey.
8.11.2006
Day Forty-Two
Feeling really great at the end of another week. Ended with 15 unused weekly allowance points, and we during Jon's extended birthday week. Had a lot of laughs, saw a lot of friends and you can bet when those two things are involved, there's always food nearby.
It's nice to not be afraid of food anymore. I've always loved food, but never felt safe around it. I knew I couldn't trust myself and I was hiding so much of me from the world that food felt like just another secret. But now Jon and I are both able choose what we want to eat, even if it's not something "lowfat" because we know how to compensate for it. What's also interesting is how much our bodies have adjusted to healthier eating. I had a small taste of chili from Jon's birthday chili cheese fries and it tasted so salty and heavy. Just weeks ago I could've downed the whole plate without a single thought. Scary.
So we'll see what the scale says in the morning. I'm hoping for another little red bookmark that says I've made it to 15 lbs. But anything is still possible.
It's nice to not be afraid of food anymore. I've always loved food, but never felt safe around it. I knew I couldn't trust myself and I was hiding so much of me from the world that food felt like just another secret. But now Jon and I are both able choose what we want to eat, even if it's not something "lowfat" because we know how to compensate for it. What's also interesting is how much our bodies have adjusted to healthier eating. I had a small taste of chili from Jon's birthday chili cheese fries and it tasted so salty and heavy. Just weeks ago I could've downed the whole plate without a single thought. Scary.
So we'll see what the scale says in the morning. I'm hoping for another little red bookmark that says I've made it to 15 lbs. But anything is still possible.
8.10.2006
Day Forty-One
Today I found out that people actually read this thing! Who knew? Shout out to my homie Grady who's keepin' up with my journey outta Fat Town. Was surprised at first to discover I'm "out there" for all to see. Correction: The true surprise was that somebody cares enough to see. I immediately started reviewing all past entries in my head to try and remember just HOW honest I've been. Then it hit me that I really don't care. This is me, take it or leave it.
I've actually been wanting to share this blog with Mary, our leader at WW. She's very inspirational and incredibly down-to-earth. One of those people who makes you instantly comfortable. I'm not sure how to present it though. How 'bout something like, "Hey Mary, wanna read forty days worth of journal entries documenting what a complete mess I am?" Maybe I'll just write it down and slip it to her at the meeting Saturday.
Still feeling the beach ride from yesterday. But I'm definitely hoping that becomes a more regular occurence. It's also about time I start doing some ab work. Most certainly a difficult area for me, and possibly the most important for me to focus on. Thankfully, at last week's meeting I was given a pamphlet about ab exercises, so I need to put that to good use.
Sticking to my points pretty well this week, and dipping into the extras about as much as last week. Started thinking about all of the upcoming events (a wedding in Fresno, Zaya's birthday, the holiday gatherings) and how there will be less of me there than in years past. Also had another fun thought recently. Jon asked me what it will feel like to shop in regular stores. I smiled instantly...I won't be confined to the fat lady store!
See, it's the little things in life that make me happy. But what most would consider little things are pretty substantial to me.
I've actually been wanting to share this blog with Mary, our leader at WW. She's very inspirational and incredibly down-to-earth. One of those people who makes you instantly comfortable. I'm not sure how to present it though. How 'bout something like, "Hey Mary, wanna read forty days worth of journal entries documenting what a complete mess I am?" Maybe I'll just write it down and slip it to her at the meeting Saturday.
Still feeling the beach ride from yesterday. But I'm definitely hoping that becomes a more regular occurence. It's also about time I start doing some ab work. Most certainly a difficult area for me, and possibly the most important for me to focus on. Thankfully, at last week's meeting I was given a pamphlet about ab exercises, so I need to put that to good use.
Sticking to my points pretty well this week, and dipping into the extras about as much as last week. Started thinking about all of the upcoming events (a wedding in Fresno, Zaya's birthday, the holiday gatherings) and how there will be less of me there than in years past. Also had another fun thought recently. Jon asked me what it will feel like to shop in regular stores. I smiled instantly...I won't be confined to the fat lady store!
See, it's the little things in life that make me happy. But what most would consider little things are pretty substantial to me.
8.09.2006
Day Forty
I've had many great days, but today was a stand-alone favorite. Breakthroughs in my mind and body that I never expected. Came home from work and Jon had gone to check out the specs on bike rentals at the beach. Getting out of the house is always a welcome idea to me, and getting some exercise, even better. So we head to Redondo and rent a couple of cruisers with trailer in tow for Big Z. I had no clue how far we'd go, didn't even know which direction to start in. It was just great to be out.
We ended up covering several miles from Redondo to Dockweiler. I had never been that far before. I hadn't even thought about this trip long enough to wonder, "What if my body gives out?" But it felt amazing, taking in the ocean air and working a whole new set of muscles in my legs. It wasn't until we hit a long, straight stretch on the bike path that my mind went to work, bringing new realizations to the forefront.
For example, much like my recent swimming experience, I hadn't been on a bike in...more years than I can remember. Probably since junior high school. The more I thought about it, the more shocked I was by how much my life has been dictated by my weight and the social anxiety I carried as a result of it. Swimming, bicycling...all these things I find enjoyable, yet I had accepted that my fat made me incapable of doing them. Not because they are too physically strenuous, but because I wasn't good enough, wouldn't fit in.
I know I've mentioned this before, but it hit me with a new clarity today - I really did believe, with my whole heart, that I was meant to be fat for the rest of my life. Like when I was born I arrived with a "fat destiny." I was basically told as much, sometimes in so many words, sometimes with no words at all. And I believed it so strongly that I never allowed myself to think anything different could be reality. It scares me to think about this. I feel like I was very disillusioned. And as a result I think there were some missed opportunities.
But today all of that changed. Riding along with my two favorite guys in a beautiful setting, and challenging my body along the way. I loved every minute of it. This is something that, just a few months ago, I would have never considered. Too insecure. But today I not only felt great, I felt like I looked great, too. And that's SO HUGE for me (no pun intended).
We ended up covering several miles from Redondo to Dockweiler. I had never been that far before. I hadn't even thought about this trip long enough to wonder, "What if my body gives out?" But it felt amazing, taking in the ocean air and working a whole new set of muscles in my legs. It wasn't until we hit a long, straight stretch on the bike path that my mind went to work, bringing new realizations to the forefront.
For example, much like my recent swimming experience, I hadn't been on a bike in...more years than I can remember. Probably since junior high school. The more I thought about it, the more shocked I was by how much my life has been dictated by my weight and the social anxiety I carried as a result of it. Swimming, bicycling...all these things I find enjoyable, yet I had accepted that my fat made me incapable of doing them. Not because they are too physically strenuous, but because I wasn't good enough, wouldn't fit in.
I know I've mentioned this before, but it hit me with a new clarity today - I really did believe, with my whole heart, that I was meant to be fat for the rest of my life. Like when I was born I arrived with a "fat destiny." I was basically told as much, sometimes in so many words, sometimes with no words at all. And I believed it so strongly that I never allowed myself to think anything different could be reality. It scares me to think about this. I feel like I was very disillusioned. And as a result I think there were some missed opportunities.
But today all of that changed. Riding along with my two favorite guys in a beautiful setting, and challenging my body along the way. I loved every minute of it. This is something that, just a few months ago, I would have never considered. Too insecure. But today I not only felt great, I felt like I looked great, too. And that's SO HUGE for me (no pun intended).
8.08.2006
Day Thirty-Nine
Today was Jon's birthday, and we both could have easily just eaten our way through the whole day. It would have been an understandable "break" from counting points, in light of the occasion. Jon did give himself some treats. I had a huge Chinese Chicken Salad from Rascal's, which I love, and that got me through the rest of the day. So not only did I eat what I like, I ended up with points to spare today.
Did my walk at the park tonight. Our schedule is still a little off but I really didn't want to miss another walking opportunity. And it was great, did my three laps. I've been wondering how changing seasons will affect our walking schedule as well. In the past, the weather was one of those things that made a great excuse to skip exercising. I don't want anything to slow my momentum. At least now I know the choice is mine.
I find myself looking in the mirror more now, not avoiding it. It's probably more to help envision what future results will look like, but regardless, it's really nice to not feel so much disdain for the person staring back at me. I used to think that I avoided mirrors because looking at my physical body was discouraging. But now I think it was more about seeing myself in a helpless state, not doing anything proactive to make changes in my weight and in my life.
I'm really looking forward to weigh in this week because I'm hoping to reach my 15 pounds. It will take losing 1.2 pounds this week, which is do-able. I think it's funny that we talk about how weight loss is "not about the numbers" but sometimes it is about the numbers. Those numbers help reinforce whatever changes we are feeling in our bodies. It's also easier to talk about your weight loss in nice, round numbers. It's totally a mental thing, but that's the way it is.
Did my walk at the park tonight. Our schedule is still a little off but I really didn't want to miss another walking opportunity. And it was great, did my three laps. I've been wondering how changing seasons will affect our walking schedule as well. In the past, the weather was one of those things that made a great excuse to skip exercising. I don't want anything to slow my momentum. At least now I know the choice is mine.
I find myself looking in the mirror more now, not avoiding it. It's probably more to help envision what future results will look like, but regardless, it's really nice to not feel so much disdain for the person staring back at me. I used to think that I avoided mirrors because looking at my physical body was discouraging. But now I think it was more about seeing myself in a helpless state, not doing anything proactive to make changes in my weight and in my life.
I'm really looking forward to weigh in this week because I'm hoping to reach my 15 pounds. It will take losing 1.2 pounds this week, which is do-able. I think it's funny that we talk about how weight loss is "not about the numbers" but sometimes it is about the numbers. Those numbers help reinforce whatever changes we are feeling in our bodies. It's also easier to talk about your weight loss in nice, round numbers. It's totally a mental thing, but that's the way it is.
8.07.2006
Day Thirty-Eight
Need to find pants. Loose pants is a really cool feeling, mentally, but really impractical and not so attractive physically. Spent some time trying on pants at Old Navy today. Didn't have much luck. What I did learn is that this whole low-rise craze is really out of control. You've got your standard low-rise, your extra low-rise, your ultra low-rise. I'm convinced that all pants are basically becoming chaps. And I'm not down with that. I found plenty of tops and cute little T's that fit great, but I'll have to keep on the hunt for something to cover my bottom half.
Oh, and it's looking like I can now say I'm a size 16. Bye bye 18. No offense, but I won't miss you at all.
Oh, and it's looking like I can now say I'm a size 16. Bye bye 18. No offense, but I won't miss you at all.
8.06.2006
Day Thirty-Seven
Had a great weekend. Yesterday we celebrated Jon's 35th birthday with a lot of fun and, of course, a lot of food. The funny thing is that I was so busy serving and mingling and chasing Isaiah that I hardly ate anything at all. I had one small piece of chicken, one forkful of potato salad and one piece of broccoli. I did indulge when it was time to cut the cake. But amazingly I came in with five points to spare for the day.
That's the physical. I did have a weak mental moment where I found myself feeling bad about the way I looked. We had spend most of the day in preparation for the party, so I was tired, didn't have a chance to change my clothes or do any "touch ups." And I briefly felt anxious about looking "good enough." But it was such a nice day and I enjoyed my time with everyone so much that the feeling faded.
The feelings were very different today. We were strolling through Target with a friend and I decided to try on some clothes for working out. I realize I'm only down 13 pounds, but the difference in the dressing room really amazed me. It was the first time in a long time I was able to look at my reflection with a genuine sense of, "hey, that looks good." It's usually more like, "well, that'll do." I'm slowly getting to the point where buying clothes is less about covering up and more about reflecting who I am.
The motivation stays strong and continues to come in from many different places. I'm motivated at WW meetings, I'm motivated when I know I'm eating good food and it's good for my body. I'm motivated when I see my son running through the park. I'm motivated when my husband looks directly into my eyes and says, "You look so good," referring to both my body and my soul. What a blessing to feel so much love from so many. Love for me, not for what I look like or the number on the scale.
That's the physical. I did have a weak mental moment where I found myself feeling bad about the way I looked. We had spend most of the day in preparation for the party, so I was tired, didn't have a chance to change my clothes or do any "touch ups." And I briefly felt anxious about looking "good enough." But it was such a nice day and I enjoyed my time with everyone so much that the feeling faded.
The feelings were very different today. We were strolling through Target with a friend and I decided to try on some clothes for working out. I realize I'm only down 13 pounds, but the difference in the dressing room really amazed me. It was the first time in a long time I was able to look at my reflection with a genuine sense of, "hey, that looks good." It's usually more like, "well, that'll do." I'm slowly getting to the point where buying clothes is less about covering up and more about reflecting who I am.
The motivation stays strong and continues to come in from many different places. I'm motivated at WW meetings, I'm motivated when I know I'm eating good food and it's good for my body. I'm motivated when I see my son running through the park. I'm motivated when my husband looks directly into my eyes and says, "You look so good," referring to both my body and my soul. What a blessing to feel so much love from so many. Love for me, not for what I look like or the number on the scale.
Day 36: Weigh-In
I've made it to one of my own personal milestons...under 200! I weighed in at 199 lbs. 6 oz. Can't remember the last time I was at this weight, but I'm sure it was more than ten years ago. I lost 2 lbs. 4 oz. this week, needless to say I'm ecstatic!
For the "Science of WW" portion of the program, my daily allowance of points now drops from 26 to 24. As Mama would say, you lose weight and are penalized by having points taken away. Ha! Actually, there is a chart to follow just to ensure that your body is getting the intake of fuel it needs, no more, no less. For weights between 175-199 pounds, the allotment is 24 points. My next big milestone in this area will be when I read 174 lbs. and my points drop to 22. I've never been so happy to have food taken away.
The meeting was great today. Lot's of good discussion about how mental this process is. I brought up that I can look in the mirror and notice a physical change, but quickly convince myself that I must be imagining it. Another woman mentioned that when she started the program, she lost four pounds and her only conclusion was, " I must be sick." These thoughts truly fascinate me. Why are we more willing to believe irrational thoughts than we are to accept the practical notion of success?
Emotions and thoughts are such powerful things. Keeping 'em in check is a big challenge sometimes. But such great learning experience.
For the "Science of WW" portion of the program, my daily allowance of points now drops from 26 to 24. As Mama would say, you lose weight and are penalized by having points taken away. Ha! Actually, there is a chart to follow just to ensure that your body is getting the intake of fuel it needs, no more, no less. For weights between 175-199 pounds, the allotment is 24 points. My next big milestone in this area will be when I read 174 lbs. and my points drop to 22. I've never been so happy to have food taken away.
The meeting was great today. Lot's of good discussion about how mental this process is. I brought up that I can look in the mirror and notice a physical change, but quickly convince myself that I must be imagining it. Another woman mentioned that when she started the program, she lost four pounds and her only conclusion was, " I must be sick." These thoughts truly fascinate me. Why are we more willing to believe irrational thoughts than we are to accept the practical notion of success?
Emotions and thoughts are such powerful things. Keeping 'em in check is a big challenge sometimes. But such great learning experience.
8.04.2006
Day Thirty-Five
Jon and I were talking about elementary school memories today. Obscure things like "Citizen of the Month." I recalled that in the 6th grade, I was the only girl who could do pull ups during the physical fitness tests. Pull ups were no problem for the boys, but the girls all struggled. I did ten pull ups and passed all of my other tests with flying colors as well. Talking about these memories made me remember that being heavy has not always been a part of my life. I was actually thin as a kid and in my early teens. Fat is not who I am, Carrie is who I am. Fat is just a funny thing that happened on the way.
I'm feeling pretty good right now because we went walking tonight. Our schedule went a little askew this week, so I wasn't sure I'd get my three days in. I know I didn't have to, but I feel really good that I did. It's a nice way to end the week and prep for weighing in tomorrow. Plus I always feels energized afterwards. Jon says it's the endorphins. Whatever it is I also notice that on the days that I walk, I don't crave dessert later, like every other day of my life. We always go walking after dinner and I would expect to want one of my WW desserts when we get home, but so far I haven't had dessert on any of the days we've walked. Interesting.
Finished off the week having dipped into my Weekly Allowance points almost every day, but I still ended up with 18 points unused. Everything in moderation.
Headed to the meeting in the morning. Ready for anything.
I'm feeling pretty good right now because we went walking tonight. Our schedule went a little askew this week, so I wasn't sure I'd get my three days in. I know I didn't have to, but I feel really good that I did. It's a nice way to end the week and prep for weighing in tomorrow. Plus I always feels energized afterwards. Jon says it's the endorphins. Whatever it is I also notice that on the days that I walk, I don't crave dessert later, like every other day of my life. We always go walking after dinner and I would expect to want one of my WW desserts when we get home, but so far I haven't had dessert on any of the days we've walked. Interesting.
Finished off the week having dipped into my Weekly Allowance points almost every day, but I still ended up with 18 points unused. Everything in moderation.
Headed to the meeting in the morning. Ready for anything.
8.03.2006
Day Thirty-Four
Wore a top today that was handed down to me from Mama. It got too big for her while on her own weight loss journey and she saved it for me. It's one size smaller than I've worn for years and years. And it looked pretty good, if I do say so myself. I had the slightest doubt when leaving the house wearing it, mainly because my brain still says, "You wear Size 18." But throughout the morning people at work were complimenting me on the fit, so that helped.
Still feeling a little wary about weigh in Saturday, because I've been using my extra points this week, a few each day. It's weird, I look forward to going to the meeting so much, and to weighing in. But my thoughts fluctuate so often throughout each day about what the scale will say. I think I'm thinking too much.
We're having a party on Saturday for Jon's birthday and I'm not feeling nervous about eating at all. I feel like I've learned to balance things out well enough. And while I do have cravings, I feel confident that when faced with a full platter of potato salad, I don't have to dive in head first.
Still feeling a little wary about weigh in Saturday, because I've been using my extra points this week, a few each day. It's weird, I look forward to going to the meeting so much, and to weighing in. But my thoughts fluctuate so often throughout each day about what the scale will say. I think I'm thinking too much.
We're having a party on Saturday for Jon's birthday and I'm not feeling nervous about eating at all. I feel like I've learned to balance things out well enough. And while I do have cravings, I feel confident that when faced with a full platter of potato salad, I don't have to dive in head first.
Fun Thought For the Day
With the exception of my jeans, all of my pants now slide on and off without the hassle of those pesky snaps and zippers. Kinda fun.
8.02.2006
Day Thirty-Three
"You look great, I can totally see it in your face." That is the quote of the day, ladies and gentlemen. Was doing my power walk at the park tonight, had just finished my first lap and ran into some friends that haven't seen me since July 4th, shortly after starting WW. That was the first thing my friend said to me. I hugged her for saying it, but I know she really meant it. An unprovoked comment from someone who last saw me 11 pounds ago, that meant a lot.
What's interesting is this is a friend from junior high and high school. Someone I hadn't seen since we graduated when she resurfaced late last year and I found her online. My first thought when I saw her picture was, "Man, she looks great." Gorgeous, athletic, well established in her job. Just impressed me right away. Meanwhile I was feeling like the shrinking violet in the corner who was afraid to reach out and make contact because I wasn't sure I wanted her to see me "this way."
So tonight we naturally got on the subject of weight loss and health (which didn't bother me at all) and she tells me that she was anorexic when we were in junior high. Her mother took her to the doctor because she was not healthy. No one knew she had been starving herself. I shared with her a memory that I've carried all these years. A remembrance of a passing joke she made about becoming bulimic. She said it non-chalantly but I remember taking it seriously enough to research bulimia and write a letter to a support center asking how I could help my friend.
Fifteen years later we're standing in the park and she tells me she no longer has a problem with eating. However she does obsess about exercise to keep the weight off. All of a sudden I felt like the healthy one. Me, the fat girl, talking to a physically fit woman about healthy perceptions of her body. How weird is that? And when I shared with her that the emotional part of this journey has been the biggest struggle, she didn't understand. She said I must have hid my insecurity because she never guessed I had felt that way. I told her I'm a good faker, always have been. And that's what I'm hoping to leave behind.
So the learning continues. It comes from everywhere...old friends, strangers, quiet moments alone. I keep discovering that I'm not alone, that there's nothing wrong with me. Exactly what I had hoped would happen.
What's interesting is this is a friend from junior high and high school. Someone I hadn't seen since we graduated when she resurfaced late last year and I found her online. My first thought when I saw her picture was, "Man, she looks great." Gorgeous, athletic, well established in her job. Just impressed me right away. Meanwhile I was feeling like the shrinking violet in the corner who was afraid to reach out and make contact because I wasn't sure I wanted her to see me "this way."
So tonight we naturally got on the subject of weight loss and health (which didn't bother me at all) and she tells me that she was anorexic when we were in junior high. Her mother took her to the doctor because she was not healthy. No one knew she had been starving herself. I shared with her a memory that I've carried all these years. A remembrance of a passing joke she made about becoming bulimic. She said it non-chalantly but I remember taking it seriously enough to research bulimia and write a letter to a support center asking how I could help my friend.
Fifteen years later we're standing in the park and she tells me she no longer has a problem with eating. However she does obsess about exercise to keep the weight off. All of a sudden I felt like the healthy one. Me, the fat girl, talking to a physically fit woman about healthy perceptions of her body. How weird is that? And when I shared with her that the emotional part of this journey has been the biggest struggle, she didn't understand. She said I must have hid my insecurity because she never guessed I had felt that way. I told her I'm a good faker, always have been. And that's what I'm hoping to leave behind.
So the learning continues. It comes from everywhere...old friends, strangers, quiet moments alone. I keep discovering that I'm not alone, that there's nothing wrong with me. Exactly what I had hoped would happen.
8.01.2006
Day Thirty-Two
Splurge day! Actually it wasn't all that bad. I think I stayed within bounds. We took a drive to Oceanside today to visit with a friend and ended up at Fuddruckers for lunch. I really wanted to have a burger, and I could have, but I chose a grilled chicken sandwich that was FANTASTIC. It had spinach/artichoke dip on it along with lettuce and tomato. I skipped having anything on the side because they were out of fresh fruit. The taste of that sandwich...I think I was smiling all through lunch. And then I came home and calculated points for the ingredients. Definitely more than I would set aside for lunch daily, but certainly worth the splurge. I compensated for lunch by having a Healthy Choice dinner, only 5 points. So it sorta balanced out.
I find myself in the mindset of "testing" this program. Until this week I really have not been dipping into my 35 weekly allowance points. I think my mind is telling me if I leave those alone, I'll lose more weight. But the fact is, those points are built into the program and designed to be used. I have to learn to trust the program and trust my decision making. And I very well may see a difference on the scale. If that's the case, I'll have to make an adjustment at that time.
WW allows you to still enjoy food while you're losing weight. For most of us, food is enjoyable, it's a fact. Maybe some more than others, but still. Other plans that cut out an entire food group or require you to starve yourself can't be as enjoyable. I like food. Heck, who am I kidding, I LOVE food and I won't be afraid of it.
Because of our road trip, we skipped our exercise today, but should be out there tomorrow.
I find myself in the mindset of "testing" this program. Until this week I really have not been dipping into my 35 weekly allowance points. I think my mind is telling me if I leave those alone, I'll lose more weight. But the fact is, those points are built into the program and designed to be used. I have to learn to trust the program and trust my decision making. And I very well may see a difference on the scale. If that's the case, I'll have to make an adjustment at that time.
WW allows you to still enjoy food while you're losing weight. For most of us, food is enjoyable, it's a fact. Maybe some more than others, but still. Other plans that cut out an entire food group or require you to starve yourself can't be as enjoyable. I like food. Heck, who am I kidding, I LOVE food and I won't be afraid of it.
Because of our road trip, we skipped our exercise today, but should be out there tomorrow.
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