Just a couple of hours ago, I was sitting here wondering what to write for Day Forty-Six. Hence the short entry. Within minutes, Jon is working on his own blog entry, revealing some fun, little-known facts about himself. So I pull out the memory book that was made for me by my best friend at my bridal shower six years ago. The real intent was to find the "He Said/She Said" game that we played, and there it was. Jon had been asked a set of questions prior to the shower and I was asked the same questions to see how well we knew each other. Very entertaining.
The most revealing question was, "What one thing would you change about Carrie?" Jon, being pretty secure in himself even then, gave the funny answer. "She would make me taller, I would make her shorter." And then there's Carrie, answering with possibly the most sincere thing she's ever said (and it still rings true to this day): "I wish I could see what he sees." I'm still kind of in shock that I went that deep with my answer. I guess I was pretty in touch with my feelings back then, I just wasn't ready to do anything with them.
My surprise increased as I continued thumbing through the book and reading all of the fun little things that the women in my life wrote to me. Everyone shared how they had met me, a fond memory and what they love most about me. Such nice things were written. Not just nice, really heartfelt. The common thread running throughout was my smile and laugh (the first things everyone notices), kindness, compassion. I'm not sure I paid much attention to what was written at that time. Not that I wasn't appreciative, I just remember always wanting the one thing that was missing...for someone to admire the way I looked.
This sounds horrible, right? I'm almost ashamed to admit it. But I'm realizing the truth involved here. It's always nice to receive a compliment, unless you're someone who can't see the good in themselves. That's what causes the awkward pauses after a compliment. You just don't know how to react and you automatically assume, "they're just saying that to make me feel good." And how sad is it to be a person who is loved and accepted for their ability to love and bring joy to others, but who still thinks things like, "It would be better to be pretty."
I know that I have come a long way in the past six years. I do recognize my good qualities and I really appreciate the joy within myself that seems to spread to others. But there's still a little piece of that girl inside of me, the one who longs to not only hear someone say she's beautiful, but to believe that what they're saying is true. It's coming, I know. I'm going to have to have a talk with that girl. I'm going to have to sit her down and tell her it's true, she doesn't look like everybody else. She's not the skinniest or the prettiest or the most charming. She has flaws and that's okay. In the midst of all of that, she's still beautiful. Her smile, her joy, her face...they're all beautiful. It may not happen right away, but at some point during one of these talks, she'll begin to believe. And I'll get a taste of a freedom I've never known before.
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3 comments:
You are waaaaaaaay deep.
Glad that you are dealing with all this stuff--that YOU are dealing with it is the operative word.
Your internal script has come from somewhere. You did not come out of the womb that way. Since it came from some where, and not from you, now that you are in charge and an adult, it is time for you to change that script, little by little. The Scripture says that David "encouraged himself in the Lord." Wonder why that was? He was surrounded by thousands of adoring individuals but he is the one who had to tell himself at various times that he was going to be just fine. So what way can little Carrie start encouraging herself in the Lord with simple little sentences? What do you need to hear? Say it to yourself and walk in it.
You have heard this story, but when Jon was in kindergarten he didn't want to go to school one day. We were sitting outside of Meyler and he was crying. I told him that if we had to go back home we would have to come right back because he was going to school. I had him say his Scripture: "I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me." After he said it, he said, "I don't feel strengtheneth yet!" and I told him to start walking, and as he walked he would start to feel strengtheneth. -- So walk in the TRUTH until the TRUTH becomes a reality in you. And it will.
Forget you saying it! I'll say it, "You are definitely in LAI's top 3!!!"
Gee, not sure if that's a compliment. Everyone else there is over 80 years old.
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