Day Forty

I've had many great days, but today was a stand-alone favorite. Breakthroughs in my mind and body that I never expected. Came home from work and Jon had gone to check out the specs on bike rentals at the beach. Getting out of the house is always a welcome idea to me, and getting some exercise, even better. So we head to Redondo and rent a couple of cruisers with trailer in tow for Big Z. I had no clue how far we'd go, didn't even know which direction to start in. It was just great to be out.

We ended up covering several miles from Redondo to Dockweiler. I had never been that far before. I hadn't even thought about this trip long enough to wonder, "What if my body gives out?" But it felt amazing, taking in the ocean air and working a whole new set of muscles in my legs. It wasn't until we hit a long, straight stretch on the bike path that my mind went to work, bringing new realizations to the forefront.

For example, much like my recent swimming experience, I hadn't been on a bike in...more years than I can remember. Probably since junior high school. The more I thought about it, the more shocked I was by how much my life has been dictated by my weight and the social anxiety I carried as a result of it. Swimming, bicycling...all these things I find enjoyable, yet I had accepted that my fat made me incapable of doing them. Not because they are too physically strenuous, but because I wasn't good enough, wouldn't fit in.

I know I've mentioned this before, but it hit me with a new clarity today - I really did believe, with my whole heart, that I was meant to be fat for the rest of my life. Like when I was born I arrived with a "fat destiny." I was basically told as much, sometimes in so many words, sometimes with no words at all. And I believed it so strongly that I never allowed myself to think anything different could be reality. It scares me to think about this. I feel like I was very disillusioned. And as a result I think there were some missed opportunities.

But today all of that changed. Riding along with my two favorite guys in a beautiful setting, and challenging my body along the way. I loved every minute of it. This is something that, just a few months ago, I would have never considered. Too insecure. But today I not only felt great, I felt like I looked great, too. And that's SO HUGE for me (no pun intended).