Day Six Hundred Sixty-Six

Remember when I used to blog daily??? Ahhh...good times, good times.

Those of you readers out there who have been faithful followers of my journey may recall that early on I said this would probably get messy.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to messy.

At the end of 2007, I had just reached my fifty pound weight loss, the chocolate-and-cookie-happy holiday season was over and I was looking forward to the New Year as a continuation of my success. I had decided to work towards reaching my goal weight by July 1st, as this will mark my two-year anniversary with WW. That meant I only had ten pounds to lose in six months...no problem!

Cut to January 1st - Jon, Z and I are celebrating the New Year with Jon's family. He gets a text message to grab his camera and head out at that moment on a project he knew virtually nothing about. Everything between then and now has been an exciting, frightening, wonderful, horrible, amazing and exhausting blur.

I'm well aware that I go through my daily routine under a fabulous illusion of control. Always got that to-do list in my back pocket and it comforts me somehow. But over the past few months, the wheels have been spinning in so many directions, I've not only misplaced the list, I can't even seem to locate the pants with the pocket it was in.

Long story short, Jon's had the opportunity to shoot behind-the-scenes footage on a film project, produce a documentary feature, and be introduced to a whole new pool of industry folk that are opening doors to exciting places. Because of the new developments in the film industry, I've stepped up my role with PlanetZaya and have taken on more of the marketing and general office responsibilities concerning weddings. Z has been out on a couple of auditions with another scheduled this week, and now proudly proclaims when asked if he has a job, "I'm a model." My "stable" part-time job that I originally took for the convenience factor is no longer stable nor convenient, so I'm on the hunt for employment. Not to mention that having all of these balls up in the air at the same time has made the normal roller coaster of marriage and parenting a challenge, to say the least.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, "What does this have to do with her weight?" EVERYTHING!!! Well, technically nothing. But since I'm the type of person who is more than prone to stress eating, I sorta took a flying leap off the wagon. I was still making good choices for meals, but doing a lot of snacking...taking in lots of sweets, making lots of excuses for myself. In just one month, I gained back eight of the pounds I had lost. So in the first four months of the year instead of losing those ten pounds I had planned on, I gained back fifteen.

About three weeks ago, when I saw the scale creep back to numbers that slapped me in the face, I knew it was time to get back on that wagon. A light switch flipped on in my head and I realized that I've been sabotaging myself, letting my thoughts and emotions get back to a place I never wanted to see again. While losing weight is definitely one of the hardest things for a person to do, I've already proven I can do it so there's no reason for me to take steps backward. I'm committed to reaching my goal, even if it's not by July 1st. I'm making me a priority, and not feeling guilty about it. And I'm toughening up so that when me being a little selfish poses a challenge for others in my life, I won't allow myself to jump into the back seat. I'm done apologizing for what I need. I'm the only one who can drive this car.

Today is a new day, every day is a fresh start. I'm leaving the house without the list and not feeling anxious about it. Heck, I may even leave without the pants! :)