Day One Hundred Thirty-Two

Happy Friday, everyone. It's been a good week. I've been lacking in my tracking (didn't mean to do that, honest!), but I'm feeling great.

Went back to the gym with J yesterday. My feelings about going there are totally different now. That first trip obviously was breaking down the wall, now it's about slowly building confidence. We did some more weight training before doing some cardio. I didn't want to do the treadmill, because that's something that I'm used to. Really wanted to try something new. So I step on the elliptical, J sets it for 30 minutes, and two minutes later I'm seeing my life flash before my eyes. My legs were burning and I thought I might die. I know this sounds dramatic, but I was truly convinced that if I made it to five minutes, it would be only through an act of God. J kept saying, "You'll be fine. Try for fifteen." That seemed completely impossible. But I stuck with it. And when I made it to fifteen minutes, I decided I'd stay on for twenty. And when twenty came, I knew I could make it to thirty. And I did.

This was a good reminder to me about how mental this process is. Don't get me wrong, the pain I was feeling was OBVIOUSLY physical, but it allowed me to convince myself that I couldn't accomplish my goal. The mind is so powerful sometimes. That's why we have to stay focused, so we don't allow it to talk us out of the things that, deep down, we know we can and should be doing.

In the evening, Jon and I made it out to a book talk that I had so been looking forward to. It did not disappoint. Frank Warren, the founder of PostSecret (If you haven't been there, go there! Right now!), spoke about the project and signed two of the book compilations. Basically, it's a community art project where people send in secrets on postcards. Frank, all on his own, picks up thousands of these postcards from his very own mailbox each week, reads and catalogs them, and posts some on the website. They are fascinating. More than the actual cards themselves, it's about people finding common ground, learning about themselves by reading the secrets of others. I was inspired by this one individual and the massive movement he has started. And it all started with a simple idea, a simple act. I think there's a lot to be learned from that.

I also couldn't help but think about myself, my own secrets. We've all got them, things you don't share for a variety of reasons. Things about your past, things about your present. And I realized that one of the secrets I carried for so many years, my own self-loathing, has been exposed to the light. It's not a secret anymore. That's how this blog got started in the first place. It's just me telling you where my head has been in relation to my body. I hadn't realized this was even a secret until I started to tell more people about the blog. The reactions I usually got were, "Wow, I never knew you felt this way." Which told me a lot about the masks I was wearing and taught me how to take them off. Shedding pounds off of my body has become shedding tons off my soul.

So there's no weigh-in tomorrow. I get the morning off. I'm hoping that by next week's WW meeting I will have reached 175 lbs...maybe even 174. Who knows. It's just nice to not be bound by the numbers. Well not all the time, anyway. I find myself really enjoying moments, which includes food and exercise, rather than obsessing over my weight. What a refreshing feeling.

Oh, and I know I've been a little shout-out-happy recently, but I can't help it. I have to give kudos to A, for taking chances, following a dream, being willing to learn more about herself. And to J who is finishing up his first week at a great new job. And to M, who is slaving away at work and school, but is always ready with a hug (even a virtual one). You guys are awesome...thanks for listening to all the ramblings of this crazy fat girl.