Day Four Hundred Fifty-Nine

"I've started running." That's what I've been telling people who ask about how Weight Watchers is going. And it's half true - I have been running. It's another one of those things I never imagined I could do and now I'm doing it as a part of my commitment to fitness in year two. But recently I realized that the other half of that statement is false - "I've started." The fact is that emotionally speaking, I'm no stranger to running and I've been doing it most of my life.

About three months ago, Jon asked if I wanted to try jogging a portion of our usual beach run, and I decided to give it a shot. It wasn't a very organized thought and I didn't expect much to come of it, but with him there to pace me and set small, achievable goals, it worked. What started as a jog between lifeguard stations on the bike path has turned into running about half of our three mile course.

The physical act of running has pushed my mind as well as my body. The challenge is shaking things up, changing my physical expectations and forcing me to look inward even further than before. It's been a part of a shift that seems to be taking place in all aspects of my life...like a transition brought on by seven years of marriage, the responsibility of parenting an ENERGETIC (to say the least) almost-three-year-old, changing relationships and facing the unknowns of running a business. Let's just say things in our household have been...less than calm.

All of this has got me thinking about running and its purpose. Many would say it's a good form of exercise, a way to get your blood flowing and be refreshed by the air on your face. Running can also bring you to a destination or carry you away from somewhere you shouldn't (or don't want to) be. Most of my running has always taken place in my mind, motivated by fear. Running from what others will think or the possibility of disappointing someone. Running from the image of myself in my head. Running from.

I think this transition period is so difficult because it requires a complete turnaround. It's not easy to change the thirty year momentum of running away from the past into a brand new momentum of running toward my future. It involves admitting that I'm not in control, that I don't know what's around the next corner, or even where my very next step will lead. It involves admitting that I'm afraid, and learning to trust in God more than myself. Basically, it involves releasing the fears that have too easily become my security blanket.

So after losing 49.6 lbs and with about 8 more to go, I'll keep running. With hard work, the motivations will change and results will be defined. And along the way I'll realize that it's not a sprint, it's a marathon, meant to charge and strengthen, rebuild and renew.