Day Four Hundred Seventy-Three

Found myself on the sands of Manhattan Beach last night, which isn't unusual. This summer we spent a lot of time at the beach, both for fitness work and playtime. And even as the days grow shorter, I've been going out to watch Jon play volleyball with this new group he's met. What was different yesterday was the mental battle that resulted in me playing beach volleyball for the first time ever.

Having spent most of my life on the sidelines because of weight and insecurity issues, I've become accustomed to "watching." In junior high school, I went to dances and sporting events just to watch, never participating. Friends joined cheerleading, got into sports, performed on stage...I watched. I've always settled into the supporting role.

Yesterday Jon mentioned that a group of non-regular volleyball players would be joining his group for one night. I was invited to come down to practice. And I was actually excited about it. But as soon as we hit the sand, the battle began. All the worries of inconveniencing someone, screwing up the game, looking like an idiot...it was all there. If I had paid more attention to what was going on, I would have seen that no one out there really knew how to play. They were just having fun. But I couldn't get past the anxiety.

Jon headed over to join in the game and I moved to that court to - once again - watch. As I sat there, I realized I probably looked more like an idiot sitting on the sidelines than I would if I just jumped in. So after that game ended, I joined in for the last two. And much to my surprise, I wasn't half bad! Worked on some drills with one of the regulars, who is incredibly encouraging. I really had a great time.

On the way home, I was explaining to Jon how difficult it is to break through these walls...experience all the "firsts." My fears and lack of confidence have always led me to sit it out when faced with something new. So each new thing seems like walking up a steep hill. If I look back at previous entries, I'm sure I can read about the anxiety of walking the bike path, the anxiety of starting to run, the anxiety of wearing my first new bathing suit in over fifteen years. But I will also read about conquering each of those fears, so I know volleyball is no different.

I'm trying to remind myself to view new things as opportunities to grow, not chances to fail. It's a daily struggle, but at least I'm thinking about it now, instead of pushing it all aside.