Day One

I did it. I attended my very first Weight Watchers meeting, and lived to tell about it. In fact, I enjoyed it. That's right, you heard me! I went to a room full of overweight women struggling to lose an ounce at a time, and I enjoyed myself. You know why? Because the myth was broken. When I walked into the room, all eyes were not on me. Everyone didn't look at me like a hideous creature had just entered the room. And as I scanned the faces I didn't see the look I expected...that smile full of pity that said, "Oh that poor little fat girl. She thinks she can be skinny." I was just part of the group. I finally found a sense of belonging.

The meeting itself was very informative and totally non-threatening. You can share as much or as little as you like. The program is structured but relies on self-discipline, not a bunch of skinny counselor women supervising you to keep you in line. Whether you weigh 400 pounds or 100 pounds, everyone is on the same page. I like that.

I came away with the belief that I can really do this. I'm not the fattest in the land. I'm not the exception to every rule. And I don't have to eat dirt and grass, I can eat real food. I just have to monitor my quantities, believe in myself and trust in the Lord.

Since the commitment to lose weight came as part of a package deal in which I promised to be more honest with others and with myself in all areas, I'm going to lay it all on the line here. No shame. This is who I am. I'm 5'7" tall and my starting weight is 213 pounds. Based on these numbers and the BMI index (that some doctors and scientists somewhere spent a lot of time figuring out), my goal weight is 153 pounds. If math hasn't changed in the last few years, this means I need to lose 60 pounds. This was surprisingly not a surprise to me.

What's also not surprising is that I've begun to re-live some childhood experiences that I know partially contributed to my feelings about my weight and about myself in general. There's all sorts of emotional junk that comes along with that. Things were said to me (on more than one occasion) like, "You're big boned, so you'll never really be thin," or "Well, you're just a big girl. It's how you're built." Or my personal favorite, while shopping for a junior high school graduation dress, "Let's just get this one and go because we're not going to be able to find anything else." I know these comments were not meant as insults, but the fact is they played a big role in developing my self-perception. And I didn't like them.

But tonight, right at this moment, I'm in a pretty good place. Today was a great day and a bold step for me. Everything else from here on out is just work, and I can handle that. I do find myself asking, "Why did I wait so long to do this?" I know, I know, everything in God's perfect time. But my weak self can't stop thinking about this reunion my husband is planning with some old friends from elementary school and darnit, I want them to meet the skinny Carrie, but she's not here yet. Oh well, it's outta my hands.

Here's to tomorrow. Another day, another 26 meal points (with a couple extra from the special "weekly allowance").